It's headed that way..just tidying up some financial accounts so that the settlement is easier on both of us. I've stayed because I've felt in the past I hadn't done all in my ability to try and save this M. Now that the W has moved out; I've detached and my future feels brighter every day since Oct.
I have the kids, the house, and she seems to content to keep it that way. I'm rolling out of the M now. I've prayed and prayed about it; but my W has no interest nor has she exhibited any action toward a reconciliation. I'm tired after keeping it together for nearly 3 yrs since the BS began.
Hi Jon, I don't know if I'm posting on your thread or somebody else's I know I wrote to you somewhere else today....I think....I'm soooo confused!
First, let me say that I did not realize that you had already been at this for over 2 years. Here I thought you were taking off like a jet after a short time.....and I don't know where I got that idea, but the point is, you are doing good and you will still have those sucky days and have to get through them the best you can.
It is soooo hard when there is a little child involved. The debate about exposing affairs has been ongoing for some time on the board. My outlook about it has turned quite a bit since I have come through the fog and can see better these days. However, I feel very strong about telling children that are younger than 9 or 10 very much information. I have an 8 year old granddaughter who I think is as sharp as they come (naturally) but I don't know what would happen to her emotionally or mentally if she was told that her mother has a boyfriend or was having an affair b/c I don't think she knows what that is. I think she knows a little about sex, but I don't know how much.
If your D8 is over at your W's while OM is sleeping there......oh man, I don't know how you are dealing with that at all! If he is not sleeping and is visiting while she's there, that is still hard on you, I know. The fact that D8 heard what grandpa said about "how's your boyfriend" concerns me. I think she has probably overheard a lot of adult conversation that she should not have been exposed to. Most of that was out of your control. It still is out of your control to a great degree. That has to tear you apart as a parent.
I know you told your wife that you would raise your D8 with your idea about M and she could raise her in her ideas. However, I realize that you were angry when you said that. My heart bleeds for this child, as for so many others, b/c she is the one caught in the middle of two parents pulling her in two different directions with different viewpoints and will be telling her opposite morals, norms & standards. Very tough, indeed. My suggestion for you is to get her into therapy as soon as possible. And....listen to me here, okay? I hope you aren't a school counselor or this will make you angry, but in smaller school districts that do not have the money to afford "real" therapists, the word "counselor" is misleading. They are academic counselors......that's all. Do not inturst your D to an acadmeic counselor to talk to her about physiological problems. That is from my personal knowledge about them. In fact, I don't have a lot of confidence in just physiology counselors b/c of my bad experience with them. Most do not have any more hours in physiology than a high school academic counselor and so they can really mess a kid up mentally. I would take her to a very well known and trusted physiatrist/therapist. I am not trying to scare you, but I would not let this go very long with the signs that she is showing. I think she is under a great deal of stress and does not know how to manage her feelings and sees all the distress between her relatives and especially her parents. Maybe I am making too much out of it by suggesting a physiatrist, but if she were mine, I would not take any chances. There are so many messed up kids b/c of what they are exposed to when they are little. You can't help a lot of that and I am not trying to lay a guilt trip on you. I'm just trying to encourage you not to let this ride very long before you make a decision about your D8. Kids are very smart, but their little minds can't handle as much as some adults seem to think that they can.......and I don't care how mature she may seem for her age. Yes, they are resilient to a lot of things in life b/c they have to learn to be, but there are some things that you just think they are dealing with okay, only to discover that it will show up later in their life.
Well, hope I did not completely distroy you with this post. That was not my intentions. I know you are upset and angry and concerned. Our emotions make it hard to think clearly sometimes. I only want to help, and I hope you believe that. And, I am only offering suggestions.....I'm not telling you what you must do.
Oh, about finding other people's posts or threads.......when you see their name out by the side of a post they have sent, you click on their name and scroll down to view posts and it brings up the ones they have posted to. You can usually go all the way back to the beginning (unless they've been here a real long time) to find their first thread. It's not too hard to figure out where their story is posted.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok, I'm spewing here, but I need a 2x4 - I have already given myself several, but I should admit this, and be done with it.
As I said, when I asked W about OM coming over and spending the night, she got real weird about it, and wouldn't answer me. Up until now, she has said they were just friends, etc.
FYI - I am a Christian, and believe the only right way for divorce is adultery...
Anyway, I'm thinking now it is PA, and I told her "If you are having a physical relationship, just tell me so I can proceed with divorce, and feel right before God."
Yeah, I know - whiny and wimpy, sigh... She, of course, didn't respond.
Jon, why do you think your statement was whiny and wimpy? In accordance with your beliefs (and mine FTM) you have just informed her, matter-of-factly, what you intend to do.
Thanks for your input - D8 has said stuff that completely isn't true, and I do believe some of it because of the conflicting morals she is getting. W obviously doesn't tell her that divorce is great, and OM is great - but my guess is that she doesn't want to believe that Mommy could do something so bad. Sigh, even when I did have the divorce talk, I told her I loved W very much, and that it didn't make her a bad person...
OM is not sleeping over, at least when kids are there - if I found that out, there would be WAR! Where I live, you can get an injunction to stop spouse from having overnight guests!
Your suggestions are always very thoughtful and well-received - I believe you have a lot of wisdom to share! Thank you so much for taking the time to share with me!
Like I always say, there are so many here who's situations are a lot worse than mine!
marriedCrazy, You are right - but it still is an element where she holds control over me, and I hate it that she can still control my emotions with that. And, that I have to find out an ugly truth to be able to file for divorce, and finally, not 3 months ago she dismissed our divorce and told kids we were going to "see what happens."
I guess I'm a little scared to know for SURE that it is PA - as well, but would rather just get the punch in the gut, and get it over with, you know?
{{{Jon}}} I guess my question would be why wouldn't wife answer you about that, that would make me suspicious and I would want an answer yes or no..don't tell her you are freaky about it, just maybe don't want kids around it while they are there or something..use it to say you want to talk about some boundaries or something..
Funny you mention that about divorce/adultery/the Bible, because I mentioned that to my husband too the other day, but the Bible ALSO says that, if in your mind you lusted, you in reality have committed adultery..so, with that in mind, my hub, whether it's a EA or a PA (which it is AT LEAST an EA) has already committed adultery in my book. You know, I never really quite understood how that could be so when I'd read it in the Bible, but now, living it, I can see why and I actually said to my hub and to my mom when I was talking about it, whether it's a PA or EA doesn't matter..it's like he's sleeping with her even if he's not :P
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
{{{Tawnya}}}, I see your point on the Bible thing - but I guess if you read the "original" text the word adultery doesn't even mean a sexual relationship. I'm too frazzled with it - really, what it comes down for me is this: it would be the ultimate disgrace, and I would mentally completely close the door on her. I don't know if I would ever reconsider her after that point. That's what scares me. As far as EA, I actually told W the EXACT same thing - EA or PA is the same thing!
I felt like I approached it very carefully. She knows how I feel about the EA, so I basically said this: "I'm not mad, and I won't say a word to the kids. I will not be unkind, and I won't bring up again, but are you sleeping with him?"
I mean it too - if she says "Yes", it'll be the end of anything with us, probably forever, and I will not even honor her with my conversation.
If we had just started having problems a few weeks ago, instead of 2+ years ago, and if I hadn't done what I have done, it might be a different story.
Believe it or not, my PMA is still pretty good. I thought this would make me lose my mind. She hasn't responded it yet, but I'm 99% sure it'll be "yes" to the PA. (If it's no, I'm not sure what I'll do - I'm not going to ask every week)
If it is, I'll be OK - I think its this: my "hurt-meter" has pretty well maxed out, so another thing to pile on top doesn't really matter that much.
Again, I'm continuing the detaching - I'm going to stand by my course of action: 1. Told W I loved her more than anything 2. Told W I would do just about anything to save our family 3. I detached
Who knows what happens next? I'm not POed, but am pretty hurt, so I'm going to sleep on it for a couple of days. I will NOT let it ruin my PMA - going to go chill out with my kiddos!
Jon, I can tell you that it took me more than one PA before I finally had all I could take. I stood by longer than most men; if you can muster the courage to pull the trigger after the first one you may save yourself much heartache down the road. But only YOU know when you can do that.
I know I wrote to you somewhere else today....I think....I'm soooo confused!