D8 has said stuff that completely isn't true, and I do believe some of it because of the conflicting morals she is getting
Jon, it is too long of a story to get into, but I use to have a step-granddaughter that there was the same situation and it was awful what it did to her. Her mother left her when she was a baby and the dad raised her and had full custody of her, but she went to her biological mother's every other weekend. Her mother had no morals at all. My daughter M the little girl's daddy and we took her and loved her as our own. They tried very hard to raise her right. Ten years later my D and SIL divorced. I saw the girl one time after that. The last I heard it was not good what had happen to her b/c of the influence her mother had on her. But during those ten years, every time she would come back home from being with her mother, it was as if my D and SIL would have to start all over and try to get all that garbage out of her mind and instill the right morals. So, I guess that is one reason I was so emotional about your stitch and I hope I wasn't sounding too over-bearing. I shared this personal experience to just let you know that I realize some of the hell on earth that it can put a parent through, plus the grandparent that love her and want to see her grow up to be a good person.
You have my prayers. I hope you can find out the truth and if your W is having a PA, you can move on and get a life. There will always be that connection b/c of the kids and that is so difficult even under the best of circumstances. But, I pray you will find peace and that God will give you guidance as to what to do.
Take care, Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you so much Sandi - I hate this with all my heart. I know W will look back some day with deep regret. I make it a point to speak positively and complimentary of W in front of D8 - the only negative thing I have said was when I explained to her why divorce and "boyfriends" are wrong.
D8 is just having trouble - W had been very devoted mother and wife, very firm about commitment/marriage, very much against people that don't stand by spouses - W has done a complete 180. This has to be confusing to D8 - also D8 in the past has sobbed those deep heaving sobs, and begged W, "Please don't break up with Daddy!" W didn't shed a tear, and looked at D8, and said, "I've made up my mind, and won't change it." Imagine what that does to a little girl when you pour out your heart in anguish to your mommy, and she ignores you?
I'm having D8 meet with a family counselor in a couple of weeks - I want to start the healing process now, and do everything I can. I want to make sure that I'm not adding ANYTHING to her pain.
Even now, with W, she knows that I suspect, and she knows D8 suspects, so she's getting weirder about it, but I'm still being as nice as possible while staying detached. She was sick again with stomach flu today, and I asked if she was OK, and needed anything. I will now not contact her again until Monday afternoon when she drops off kids - she may not even come in, her choice... Best thing is that I'm doing it for my kids - I would love to be able to say to them, "When Mommy was with another man, I stayed by her side, and helped her." I'm not going to SAY that to them, but they will figure it out. I am getting a life, moving on, regardless of W's PA or not. I deserve better!
Ok, I feel like I know have my thoughts together. Attorney said we have a very good case on marriage ending 2.5 years ago because ML ended then, and W moved into a separate room, opened a separate checking account, etc. This will protect my business, reduce alimony and child support, etc. Also, W's A helps me a lot too - adultery is still considered bad here!
Anyway, I'm into new territory now. I have completely detached - doing very well, only occasional comments for past 2-3 weeks have been about kids or illness. D8 brought up staying all night situation with OM, and I asked W to confirm, and she would neither confirm nor deny.
::side note:: P.S. I love this - W started to tell me that OM's W "liked her" and I cut her off, and said, "I really don't want to hear your attempts to justify this situation - just do what you're gonna do." Hee hee, she immediately shut up. ::end side note::
Anyway, what matters to me is balance. I went over to the affairs board for awhile, and I've read some different things.
1. You cannot work on R while OM is involved 2. You should still be a friend 3. GAL like crazy - done!
The one I'm struggling with is #2 - how do you balance between being a friend and appeasement? W is being very friendly but in a sort of distant way - even after the PA question yesterday.
I understand A's usually die on their own, and the fact that OM is married, has 3 kids that W would have to start taking care of (5 total), lives hour away, and is TOTALLY not W's type - but still, I have to wait until it blows over. (I am of course prepared for finality)
Is it enough that I have told W that A is wrong, and I have explained to D8? How do I show her that I'm "there", but I don't approve of relationship? Maybe I need to jump over to that forum for a bit, but I hate to do it!
Jon..you sound like me in that "how to be a friend but not a pushover or seem like I'm cool with the cake eating"..I guess just be who WE are, be nice, but not overly nice and certainly not be nice about anything pertaining to the A..like you cut off the convo about the OM's wife..like you care or WANT to hear that!
Just my thoughts..I'm right there with you
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
W wants us to be "friends" - I guess a way of getting her off the hook for what she's doing, but not having to have any consequences. I have told her that "friends" don't do to each other what she's doing, and it's what selfish people say to make themselves feel better about breaking up a family (not her favorite thing to hear).
Where is the line between letting her feel like she's got the best of both worlds? Cake-eating? Is it OK to let her feel like that in order to allow a friendship flourish, and wait out the A? Most WAS I have seen on this board suggest growing a pair, and standing up, and being hard-core. Which actually, in review, I have been! So maybe that's it - be abundantly clear that any sort of A is wrong, even EA, and then be nice? My only breakdown occurs when it impacts kids - I just lose it there.
Jon- Interestng point about wanting to be friends. The way I look at it, you get to pick your friends. Does your W have the qualities you look for in a fried? If not, I would treat her like a business associate.
Well, thus is the question. What happened in our M is that we let the friendship lapse - got busy starting a business, etc you know the drill.
I want more than ANYTHING that if R comes back that it starts with core friendship - I would refuse anything physical, etc without it.
I guess it's this, and I could be way off base - I honestly don't think the A is serious. I think it is someone to talk to, essentially. Once it sinks in that W is going to go from a part-time mom of 2 to a mom of 5, things will go down hill from there, and fast, and I'm only picking the easy stuff!
She is also about to start working 40 hours a week, and also going to RN school full-time - with OM an hour away, good luck!
I'm staying completely out at this point - she is on break so has plenty of time to chat and do fun stuff with OM, especially since I have kids 50% of the time.
As for your question - she has many qualities that I would look for in a friend - wouldn't have married her if not. Don't worry, I will not be a "friend" while she has anything to do with OM, however, I can be "nice".
I know I'm sort of babbling and rambling, but I guess I don't know what to do with myself. I thought I would lose my mind with anger and disgust knowing about OM - even considering that it could very well be PA instead of just 'friends'. I thought this would end it all, emotionally I would have closure, I would cease to love W, and so on.
I know I probably need a punch in the eye, but man...
I guess it's this, and I could be way off base - I honestly don't think the A is serious. I think it is someone to talk to, essentially. Once it sinks in that W is going to go from a part-time mom of 2 to a mom of 5, things will go down hill from there, and fast, and I'm only picking the easy stuff!
Well, here is your punch in the face ...
Stop guessing at your W's R with OM. How do u know it will end badly? Maybe she thinks you were that big of a jerk where D kids is a better option? It is a WAS. Logical isn't exaclty the foundation of her thinking.
Your W is/had an A because of what she was missing from you. This goes back to working on you. It will be this way until your a better option.
Of course you married her because of many friend qualities. What about W now? That was my question.
Quit guessing and get back to work. If R fails w/ OM, are you ready?
