W texted me after the exchange above that she was coming to get S6 - I replied that I would drop him off, because we were playing Wii golf. She came anyway to get him, and she was spitting fire...
She came up and whispered in my ear, "I HATE you." Then she announced to D8 and S6 that she was going to start keeping them on Monday nights, and Daddy wasn't going to keep them anymore. I smiled, and said that I was very sorry she felt that way, but we could have a conversation about that wasn't in front of the kids. She kept on going, then marched them out. I told her we could have a calm civil conversation, but I wasn't going to fight, and she said, "No, I'm calm, just not letting you control me."
WOW!!!! Couldn't imagine my W busting in the door and grabbing the kids. That is complete disrespect toward you and even worse for the kids. What kind of lesson does her little rant teach the kids? It's OK to throw a tantrum to get your way? WTF.
Maybe it's time set a boundary about when W is "allowed" to come over? Was she supposed to pick your D up? When was the exchange supposed to be?
The control comment stems from the back and forth earlier about NYE. We talked about that. You have to make it seem like her idea.
Originally Posted By: JonF
Then, "I can't believe you, you never change."
As Puppy would say, this is script for WAS.
Originally Posted By: JonF
She rolled out - I was not going to make a scene in front of the kids, so I just smiled, and kept saying, "Not in front of the kids."
Good job defending the kids!!!! Keep them far away from this sort of behavior. That is being a man (and a dad).
No need to smile if your pi$$ed. "Not in front of the kids. I think you should leave now" is all you need.
The rest is a pi$$ing match you don't need. Avoid it or don't play into it. It's counter productive.
Notice how one bad exchange leads to another? You have to end that cycle.
I will work backwards, start with your second post - she mostly "burst in" because she knows I won't do anything in front of the kids, and I refuse to involve them in any way - even if it means me losing out or getting hurt. Will I give up 10 minutes with S6 so she can have her tantrum? Sure. This is not a weakness - in court, I would fight her down to my last ounce of breath.
I fought back SO many things in this - I chewed my tongue off to not say anything. I made my one little slip, but it was 5 seconds out of 10 minutes, and I even ended by offering to have a calm discussion with W to figure things out.
She refused and stomped off. You know, the good thing is that the kids just wanted out of there. They will see me with a calm expression, and politely asking W not to talk in front of them, and they will hear her being nasty and angry, and I can live with that.
I would rather keep my relationship with my kids than get a few cheap shots in.
I think that is weighing on W too - kids are getting REALLY close to me.
S6 told me last night that he wished he could stay and sleep with me.
Anyway, best thing is that I did a 180 - one of my dubious talents is getting in really good parting shots that just sting and burn. And I just stayed calm and polite the entire time.
W is usually cold, distant, and emotionless towards me - I'm sure she's pouring out tears and emotions on OM.
I'm frustrated at myself - I complain to myself that W is just "not there" and then have an opportunity where she opens up to ME, is vulnerable emotionally, and I use it to get in a couple of moral cheap shots. She was not a whiny crybaby trying to get her way - she absolutely is not like that, never has.
I realize it would have been a drop in the bucket to have been nice there, but you have to start with a single drop, I guess.
Of course, the opposite is also true - I'm sure the very next number she dialed was OM, and he probably stepped right in, validated her feelings, said lots of coochy-coo things. Sigh, round one, I lose.
Also, I do mention OM on here, but am not obsessing - I just see him as another person that is taking down my wife. I had this sort of arrogant attitude that he didn't matter because I was the H, and he was just some guy - but that's a pretty stupid way to look at it, and that'll lose you your marriage real quick! I have to see him as basically competition. All he really is a way for me to keep myself in line, because I know I have to work 10 times harder, and he barely has to do anything. I do not mention OM to W.
My lesson for the month - now, I have to wait three weeks until she gets over it.
I had to go by W's apt a couple of times to get to a client, and to go to Walmart, and I noticed that her car was gone. She is with the kids, and is sort of a homebody, so of course, I let my mind wander, and thinking, after last night, she was down at court doing who know what.
I have been flipping out ALL night - thinking the worst. I know it's stupid...
So, glory day, she actually CALLED me a few minutes ago, and said she was working. She is going to drop the kids off tonight, and let them stay until 2pm tomorrow, then I will have them all New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day - in exchange, I will give them to her early on New Year's Day at 5:00pm.
Basically this is what I agreed to yesterday at like 5:30PM - then she spent the rest of the night flipping out and losing her mind. I have no idea what that was about. She was very aloof, but told me she had talked to the kids about the schedule, and set it up. Then, I thought this was really big, she asked me if it was OK.
I'm SO glad that I kept my cool - I know I slipped up in some spots, but believe me, a year or two ago, A in Ohio would've spent 3 hours going over what I did wrong. I figured that W would sleep on it, and cool down.
So the best thing is that she isn't going hardcore, filing for child support, trying to keep kids away. She is pretty frigid right now, but at least I'm back to square one!
Wahoo! I honestly believe her asking me if it is OK, and going with the schedule is because I mostly kept my cool, and just said "I'm sorry you feel that way." Complete 180s for me, and I know the next time will just be better.
One other thing - the kids decided to go to zoo without her because she had to work, and instead she is going to have a little family party Thursday night. So I texted her, "I'm sorry you have to miss the zoo". She responded that it was ok, they'd have fun Thursday.
Just wanted to show her that I know she probably wishes she was there. I tried to make a joke and she didn't respond, so either had to go back to work, or it's too early for funny stuff.
Now, I so need to CHILL OUT, and just give her a few days!
WHEW - I had to go by W's apt a couple of times to get to a client, and to go to Walmart, and I noticed that her car was gone. She is with the kids, and is sort of a homebody, so of course, I let my mind wander, and thinking, after last night, she was down at court doing who know what.
I have been flipping out ALL night - thinking the worst. I know it's stupid...
So, glory day, she actually CALLED me a few minutes ago, and said she was working. She is going to drop the kids off tonight, and let them stay until 2pm tomorrow, then I will have them all New Year's Eve, and New Year's Day - in exchange, I will give them to her early on New Year's Day at 5:00pm.
At a certain point, you'll stop worrying about where and what your W is doing. There is a no good way expedite this. Once you internally realize your the best option for your W, it will go away.
You'll notice a WAS will always make eveything their idea. Just roll with it. The idea is to let them think it is their idea. This sounds mean, or controlling, but if you do it properly, the effect is profound.
Originally Posted By: JonF
Then, I thought this was really big, she asked me if it was OK.
Now were talking!!! Very good. The more calm and stable you are, the more good results you'll get.
Originally Posted By: JonF
I'm SO glad that I kept my cool - I know I slipped up in some spots, but believe me, a year or two ago, A in Ohio would've spent 3 hours going over what I did wrong. I figured that W would sleep on it, and cool down.
Your doing well. My perspective is that you have years of your own bad behavior to make up for (or correct). It will take a LONG TIME for your W to trust you again. You must be consistant.
Originally Posted By: JonF
So the best thing is that she isn't going hardcore, filing for child support, trying to keep kids away. She is pretty frigid right now, but at least I'm back to square one!
This is very good. Keep the momentum going. The great news is that YOU control the momentum. The calm, cool, strong, funny, understanding New Jon has control of this!
Originally Posted By: JonF
Just wanted to show her that I know she probably wishes she was there. I tried to make a joke and she didn't respond, so either had to go back to work, or it's too early for funny stuff.
Making jokes via text messaging isn't the best idea. Maybe once in a great while. Too choppy. Focus more on solid communication than jokes. Consistency is paramount right now. You must show her your stable and not reacting to her. Sometimes joking can be looked at as you trying to get a reaction from W. When a joke goes wrong, it gets uncomfortable.
Originally Posted By: JonF
Now, I so need to CHILL OUT, and just give her a few days!
Bravo Jon! Now disappear (from your W). Very little contact. Stop the texting, only call when you have too. When you W picks up the kids be short and kind. Be distant and focus on you. Make yourself better and get more self-esteem going. LET HER MISSS YOU.
