I do wonder if she'll ever position that mirror in front of herself enough to see what she's doing to herself. I guess I'm kind of prepared for the same alternative as you with your X...We're into the eight month now and it's still just anger from her and very little in between...the only times she hasn't been angry were after she told me she was going to move out the first time - and then the few days before she moved out - it was weird - she acted kind of giddy around those times - like she was just so excited to be on her own and living out this fantasy of what she thought it would be like...I wonder if the fantasy has held up at all - no...I don't really wonder that...I figure that if it had she wouldn't need to be angry toward me all the time...it would just be unnecessary.
Ah well...I'm just getting more and more into this time for me and my kids...It still hurts sometimes, but I keep seeing more and more signs of how it's getting better.
Yup...some old story...bitter and angry when she came by to pick up my baby boy tonight...this time my S11 noticed it - he was standing at the door saying goodbye to his baby brother and saw her turn her back on me as I was talking with her - and ignore me as I mentioned something to her about tomorrow...really, it's just kind of annoying now...tiresome and petty...and I think she was annoyed mostly because I called her to find out where she was - after she was almost 20 minutes past when she was supposed to pick up my baby boy - and I wasn't sure if I should make dinner for him or not - since she might arrive at any minute (as she's done before).
...just venting...since I was really just annoyed that my S11 had to see it...and be exposed to that kind of negativity...after she left he said, "I'm glad you don't have to live with that anymore...I just worry about [baby brother]." Me too...at least I know that in my home he'll grow up with a better example of how to be respectful of others...
I've never posted to you before...in fact I don't post her very much at all anymore. I've given up the fight after enduring so many long and grueling months filled with the lies my H told me. I'm posting to you because what you said about your wife not being the same person anymore struck a chord with me. I have experienced the same thing with H. When I look in his eyes, I don't see HIM anymore...he is just gone and there is someone staring back I don't recognize. It is so painful to see this happen to someone I loved so much. It is also painful to try and fathom the hurt he is capable of inflicting on me...the mother of his child. I was served with a restraining order day before yesterday packed with absolute lies about me. If you can believe it, this correctional officer and his six foot correctional officer girlfriend are afraid that me...the 5'6 healthcare worker is going to harm them physically. He has accused me of keeping my daughter from him since 12/6 when she has actually been to his house 5 times since then and is there now to spend the weekend and accused me of sitting outside his house "staking him out". I have been to his house 1 time in 8 months. What in God's name is he talking about??? I wonder if he has mental issues.
At any rate...I'm rambling now. Just wanted you to know I feel for you and know what you are going through. Keep your chin up.
Sounds like a terrible situation - and I'm sorry you have to endure that...sounds like your H is in a crisis of his own - and that it's best for you to stay clear.
It's been ages since I've seen my wife in my W's eyes - I caught that glimpse yesterday - and it made me miss her terribly - though today the glimpse was gone - completely and utterly gone - and so it was like a reminder of the value in detaching from her. She's got too way too much to work on - and any part I play in it becomes a negative to her - and so, once the threats to call the police (and before that, the threat of going to a battered woman's shelter and claiming I had beaten her - which she said in a phone call to her mom) - I just knew that we had to be apart for her to deal with her demons...I didn't want to play the role of the demon for her - and it just got to be more and more obvious that she needed to see this demon in me...and re-live what might have happened to her - and stand up to that demon now...but the risk was too great for me...I have two children, I have a family, I have my own life...and she could have ruined so much of it so quickly with just a phone call...and so now her anger is her own - and the demons are her own to confront.
So far as I know she's not getting help - and she's still saving a lot of her anger for me...and so I'm just detaching myself completely from her - and acting "as if" she's not a part of my life my decisions - save for matters affecting our baby boy - and even when it comes to him she manages to find something to get angry about...before she moved out she once yelled at me for singing to him in the kitchen - saying, "I'm sorry if you think this is abusive, but can't you just shut up." That was the problem we had at home - her primary mode of interaction with me had become abusive - even our MC said this to her in session...and after that session my W accused me of manipulating our MC into believing she was abusive...it was amazing...it made my head spin...it distorted my sense of reality...it hurt like hell...and then I finally found a good T who was able to help me regain some sense of perspective...
Hi Purple - Happy New Year! That website is just packed with useful stuff, isn't it? I felt like I just had a few sessions with a T just by reading through page after page tonight...I literally had to stop myself.
How are you doing? Is your D back from the trip yet?
-jc.
I'm okay....d doesn't get back till 24th Jan. They had troubles getting there and got delayed in LA for 2-3 days and then flew to Miami on Christmas Day. I'm glad I didn't go. It would be too stressful with h AND his dad (who are as stubborn and hot headed as each other).
I'm so glad I have my dog and work to do. We are currently doing end of year reporting which is full-on work for a team of about 10 of us. We worked New Years Day and are currently working this weekend at least. So I'm busy. But I've got to pull my finger out and do some exercise and lose about 8kg to feel 'hot' instead of 'blubbery'
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
Hi Purple - that's quite a long trip - too bad they had that delay in LA...and then had to go through Miami...sounds like an exhausting trip...glad to know that you're enjoying the calm you have - and that you're staying so busy.
I've been thinking that someone should put out a book called the LBS Diet...since it seemed to do wonders for me...I had been wanting to shed about 20 pounds for a while - and have finally managed to do that over the last three months...especially before my W moved out and I got into this mode where - whenever she started to get angry at me, I would just excuse myself and go for a run...for a while I was running three miles every night...funny thing is that she now holds it against me that I exercise - says it's proof of how self-centered I am...and that I cared more about going for a run than being home with her...it's weird...but I'm sitting here laughing at these memories right now - thinking how absurd they are...how nice it is not to be judged for wanting to be healthy...
For you it's swimming, right? Got to make some pool time, Purple...Purple time...
Well...kind of a bummer of a day for me...my baby boy isn't feeling well - he started to seem sick yesterday - so I thought it might be best for him to spend the day with his mom...since nursing seems to comfort him while he's under the weather...She seemed surprised when I suggested he spend the day with her - but it just felt right to me that he feel better. I had planned on going to a park with the boys today, and meeting up with a friend of mine, his wife and their son - but the plans have changed.
It was odd when I called my W this morning to ask about my baby boy - she was distant and cold at first - seemed offended as always when I asked how she was doing...and so I just shifted the conversation to my baby boy and how he was feeling. That seemed to soften her up a bit...and so I just asked her a few more questions about him and his symptoms. She asked me if had had a busy day planned, and that's why I thought he should stay with her - I said, no, just that I was going to a park with him and some other friends - but that it would be best for him to get some rest.
My S11 was disappointed - he loves seeing his little brother - so I'm going to have to make sure we get out and do something fun today - something to keep him happy and engaged. I did ask my W to let me know if my baby started feeling better today - and if so, if she wouldn't mind bringing him by for just a couple hours...for the boys to play...we'll see what happens...I'm not expecting her to do...but I didn't see anything wrong in suggesting it.
This morning I started wondering if the bitterness of yesterday had something to do with the glimpse of her that I caught in her eyes the day before - like maybe she felt something she just didn't want to feel - or wasn't ready to feel - and so she had to pull away again - and replace those emotions with anger...I know it's useless for me to think about these things...and I'm not really going that deeply into it - it just occurred to me as part of a pattern I may have noticed - in that whenever she opened up just a little bit (before she moved out) she would follow it up with more anger and distance. Then again...maybe she's just angry about something that has nothing to do with me - and just can't resist throwing it my way. Either way - my response is the same - to be happy and positive - since no matter where it's coming from - it's not my anger or bitterness - it's hers. Time to go and make the most of my day...
Carlos Sorry for your S11 had to witnessed, but again you have shown him how to handle the situtation perfectly. You boys are growning up to be good men just like you.
LBS diet book is not a bad idea. I lost like 45 pounds myself. How are you doing today anyway?
NW626
Me:33 STBXW:38 S:3 It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you fight the fight....!!
Well color me surprised...she just called a few minutes ago and asked what time I would like for her to bring baby by to play with us for a while today...that's different...I said it was up to her, whenever he seemed like he would be up to it and feeling better...and she suggested bringing him by right now...so my S11 and I get our S2 fix for today (which I am so happy about!)...I just hope he starts to feel better...
I'm doing okay, NW - better now that baby boy is coming by - even if just for a couple hours. Wo you wenti - ni you mei you yige fb-de mingtze? Hope all is well with you.
I am glad you are happier now that you will have both of your boys with you.
I love that we get these small surprises. I really do. Every time one occurs for me or any of us here, it reminds me that anything can happen at any time. While I agree we should not make them into more than they are, we should still see them for what they are - reminders that good things, however small, can still occur at our WAS's hand.
