Ali, why does he have the power to throw you back into the loop? I really cant explain that. Even if you didnt want to detach, time should have managed to ease the pain for you. You are doing something self-destructive... It doesnt matter anymore what he does. It only matters what you do for you. Snap out of it! xx K
Hi Cyrena.. I will post in a mo! Hi K, Hi Jeff! Thanks for the slaps, I think!
...you dont understand?...its because I heard all that news and it got me excited didnt it...then I came back down to Earth with a nasty bump !!! The family/BMF stuff has been a bit hard for me this week too.
BUT.. as my BFF pointed out, I had a lovely week back home with my parents, BEFORE my sister arrived home, so hold that thought! And I had a few great nights out, so not all bad. x
Wow Cyrena. thank you so much for taking the trouble to post that and I hope its helpful to others. Thats really intersting, my ex seems to fit the on off angry/depressed stages like your H!
Firstly.. I totally agree about BMF! I have no intentions of calling him. I guess we will be friendly when college starts back, but thankgod I wasnt interested, or encouraged him. Lucky for his W too!
For his timeline...he watched his Dad die, end July 2005, which fits with his comments to BMF about fear of dying/ageing and it being 'too late' soon. He went into denial and refused to admit he needed to talk about it within a MONTH of his death. He became withdrawn, shut off and silent. By Oct 2006, he was depressed.
He then became angry and resentful and started talking about "what I want to do" and pleasing himself by Feb/March 07. He rewrote our history that summer and started dressing younger. He was phoning Helen secretly and staying late at work through bomb time Aug/Sept 07, but when I asked him, he got angry and said he wasnt interested in her and it was nothing to do with her. He bought an Ipod and younger music (left ALL his old favourite CDs behind when he moved out) and began spending money like water on holidays, new music, new phone, PC etc and moaned about not being able to afford an expensive high spec.. sportscar!!! (he always despised modern cars). So is that REPLAY then??
He was angry and depressed until he started this R with Helen in August 08, but refuses to admit he was interested in her before then. He's not so angry at others now, but full of self-loathing and still depressed.
..my own EA spanned 2 1/2 years from start to finish from our first meeting, but the first year wasnt fully conciously admitted to myself. It took me a year to tell BFF and then my 2 week sort of PA was at the 2 year mark! When I snapped out of it, it took me 6 months to fall back in love with my ex.
I found some old emails last night from end Jan 07.. I kept asking why he had to work so late and saying I missed him, come home! I forgot he was doing that. I know she started working there Jan 07 from her records. So he could have had a crush on her right away, or when they worked together June 07, I dont know. So he's either at the 18 month mark, or 2 years. I wonder if he is losing interest yet?
You had a hard road to travel and yet your H didnt leave to have an A. But my ex has ended it. I know that if we WERE M though, theres no way he would have mentioned the D word, even now.
Whats helpful about your post is.. dont take it personally. Dont expect understanding, real explanations or hearfelt apologies. They are in pain, so they cant feel your pain. My ex often said last year he couldnt handle anyone elses upset (inc mine) as he was depressed. I cant really understand how he can stick with Helen if shes as awful as everyone says, but I guess its 'easy', as he said, he's just 'going along with it'.
In light of this..should I stay friendly and reach out to him a little, if he is depressed and in MLC?
Oh, yes, younger music and clothes, uncontrolled spending, sportscar envy and immature, often drama-queen-type GF--that's all replay. Plus evasion, drinking, and hanging out with a younger crowd. And generally acting as though the spouse is a controlling mother-figure.
Under these circumstances, I'd suggest staying friendly to any contact he makes. But until he's ready to stop being the defiant teenager, he's likely to take any sort of "reaching out" from you as control. Show him how vibrant, well-adjusted and happy you are when you have contact. And don't worry about not having contact with him frequently: you're still in his thoughts. When he comes out of the depression, it'll be like Rip Van Winkle waking up: he'll be amazed by how much time has passed, and he'll remember more about your pre-MLC relationship than what followed.
Until then, ignore him. The BF you knew is in a coma and unreachable, so make the most of your time, your talent and your energy. The relationship he's had with you is abusive (you can check the symptoms of an abusive relationship for a checklist--including hiding a new relationship and thereby implying you were the problem). My H, as you point out, never left home; at some point I therefore had to face the question of why I'd been willing to live in an abusive relationship. That helped me get to the point where I was ready to move on without H. (Ironically, of course, that was the point when he wanted to recommit.) I suggest it might be useful for you to examine why part of you feels it should remain in an abusive relationship--not in a negative way, more in a now-that-I-get-this-about-myself-I-can-move-on sort of way.
Wow Cyrena, this is all so interesting, insightful and really really helpful... Thank you so much for sharing! It is really helping me understand some of my h's behaviour.
No probs Julia! Cyrena seems to have a talent for explaining it, thats true!
Wow Cyrena.. my ex is 35 and the mate he goes out drinking with most is...24! Other friends are in the 26-29 bracket. Helen is reportedly a very 'young' 29 who still lives at home.
We never drank at home and didnt go out often before the bomb, but he began drinking wine every night after leaving me, he was on a bottle - a bottle and a half a day, but now he only drinks when he goes out, but always gets drunk. His BMF W told me at Christmas that he is drinking ALOT, but I knew that.
I wouldnt say I was in an abusive R.. as I'm not in an R with him anymore! But I take your point. Theres that thing that if you met a man now who treated you this way, would you bother with them? No! But, we 'forgive' someone you've been close to for so many years. Plus he has never spewed at me, or been mean or anything. I just really miss him. I was in the lucky position of him being one of my best mates for a couple of years BEFORE we got together, and then him being my best mate for the next 9 years as well as my BF, so I miss his friendship and companionship. I do still struggle with the thought he doesnt want much to do with me, although he has told me several times lately that he misses me, which is nice to know.
I do feel he is unreachable and not his old self. The ex I knew saw things like photographs as very precious..but he hasnt mentioned the 9 years of photos we have here. He's never mentioned our joint finances or property. He never mentioned our beloved cat from the day he died (a week before the bomb). He cries more than I do on the occassions we have spoken. He would never let me go to his flat, which is plain wierd, considering the level of contact we were having, and really not rational/normal.
Some controlling behaviours include: saying that he'll talk/phone, but then not actually doing it; withholding information or money (or leaving you in your awkward financial situation with no discussion); withdrawing affection; ignoring or misleading partner. These are considered abusive actions and are done to control the partner, to gain a sense of power, and to AVOID having to feel his own pain. Some of them he did before leaving, others he's doing now--because you're letting him. (And not letting you go to his flat is another act of control.)
In my case I needed to recognize that, as a person who'd been an abused child, there was something "familiar" about being subjected to these controlling behaviours. Something like 90% of the triggers that set us off in our relationships, after all, are just the patterns that were established when we were children. But once the C got me to recognize that I was accepting/tolerating controlling actions, I was much better able to set boundaries. And that change in self-esteem made a huge change in how I interact with everybody, now. I guess this comes back to what Kalni was saying: it's self-destructive to GIVE someone that much control over your feelings. It's one thing to "forgive" someone for mistreating you, but to ALLOW them to continue to do so is quite another matter.
Since you turned me on to Priya's site I just thought I'd share something amusing with you. My horoscope for this month says to trust myself and to value my worth. My spouse's horoscope says to listen to his partner. Ah, if it would only work out like this.
Thinking of you, A.
Married - 19 years Noticed Problem - Aug 2008 THE Conversation - Oct 2008
The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.
Hi Cyrena. He never promises to ring then doesnt, just alludes to ringing soon and then has done every few weeks lately. He did leave me in a financial mess with NO discussion then or since, but he did pay ALOT of money in to our account, first after leaving me and since whenever I needed him to. He always paid for everything last summer when he took me out, wouldnt go 50/50 anymore! So I feel he has been very generous and I put that down to guilt. But you could be right, it could be controlling, but it doesnt seem abusive.
He has been controlling though and I have spoken to my C about it. Isnt it about him and this MLC though? about his depression, being extremely avoidant and for some reason, needing to keep the utmost control since leaving me, maybe some fence sitting, who knows? Like not giving me his address for 5 months, or the phone number for 4! Or sidestepping questions about me contacting him or seeing him, yet contacting me whenever he feels like it and yet being unable to explain these actions.
He was not remotely controlling in our R. He let me do whatever I wanted, was never jealous, possessive, moody or even disapproving. He was supportive and I felt we had a pretty equal R, although in reality, I probably held a subtle balance of power for the first 5/6 years as he said to me at the bomb. Maybe thats why he wants to have control now? I really have no idea though! Its not rational.
As for allowing him.. well, I've been 'dbing' all year, trying to get over him leaving me, get a life AND win him back. So, I have 'put up with' his MLC, his depression, his wierd behaviour. The alternative is to say, I'm done and then it all stops hey. Like you say, once he comes out of it, he wont realise how much time passed or how bad he really behaved. Thats if he does come out of it! I'm still lacking in faith/self-belief, the more time that passes with him gone...
