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Bridgestone, I am so glad to be able to reach out to you honey. S19 is frustrated, but that doesn't obligate you to be or do anything differently than what you know and feel is right for Bridgestone.

And I'm sorry, but H does not have the right to label you as "doing this to your family" as if he gets a pass for any of his crud. You and I BOTH know that you are choosing to value yourself - as you should.

I value you. And his poor me pity party is going to be a very lonely place when you find your stride.

It took me so long to get there and now I'm stepping out. Take my hand and we'll go to the mall and buy shoes.
DAM anyway. Sr and Jr.


Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08,
S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012!
Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.

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(((Purple))) thanks for stopping by. I miss talking to you here & in other places!

(((Tim))) I was hoping as well. I have had an OK week-end, it has been focused on the kids, not on H.

S19 headed back to college 10 hours away.. so it was busy getting him out the door yesterday. D14 & I had a good day packing up Xmas stuff, doing a bit of cleaning, & watching some movies. Her & I are getting along really well these days.

((Wifey)) I am glad we are finding each other here as well & that you are reaching out to me. I understand what you are saying about it not being my problem (logically).. not sure how I disconnect that from the 'emotions' that are triggered when I hear disapppointment in my son & H's voice.

It is getting easier... reframing decision making has helped a lot.. I know that I can make & have made good choices for me and that disagreeing with H or S19, does not mean my stuff is automatically 'bad' has helped me be at 'peace' with their temper-tantrums.

Update:
A female (single) friend & I were suppose to meet for drinks & listening to a live band at an Irish pub last night (we did not because the weather got really bad & driving was all but impossible).

I told H this, day before yesterday and he threw his temper tantrum that it was not with him. He heard me say that my friend & I were meeting her friends from the band for drinks.

I had said that she had a friend in the band that had asked her to come to the pub to listen to them (not meet them), so her & I planned to go for drinks & to listen. When he finally heard what I had planned (24 hours later) he apologized.

I then asked him what was so bad with his scenario? To him, me meeting people from the band (friends of a friend) was a 'date' and as long as we were each working on things individually to see if they could eventually work collectively we were exclusive to each other.

If I was going to 'date' then for him he was done working on things for him to eventually work on things for an R.

I am conflicted & having a hard time thinking this one through. This feels controlling to me, 'blackmail' almost. While I have no interest in 'dating' or even looking at other men in that light at this point in my personal life (even if I was single)... agreeing with him is not true to me. I don't view meeting friends of a friend for drinks as a 'date' or looking for a date.

Any input?
thanks & peace
Bridge


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Ooh...I get this too. I don't know how to handle it without sounding like I'm saying "I don't care what you think, i'm going to do what I want to do". This would quite easily sound to h like "Don't stick your nose in to my business, If I want to meet other men for drinks and then shag them senseless I will"

*sigh*

Have to think on this more...right now I'm late for work.


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Purple

As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe

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(((((Bridge)))))

I didn't realize you had this thread..plus I've been gone a few days. Hang in there honey...you're really doing great even though you don't feel like it. Think how far you've come in learning how to just be you!!


Me-42,H-41,M-14
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Hello all,
I have been away from home for a few days. I had been hoping that I could relax & move this sitch to the back burner for a few days.

H. called the evening of the day I left & told me that he had scheduled his IC for the same date & time as mine. My IC & his IC & he stood there & had a 3way discussion about doing this & agreed that it was do-able if we wanted to be able to do a joint MC with all 4 of us 1/2 the time & IC the other 1/2.

While this is my long term goal, I was very surprised by this, as I have only seen this new IC 2 times and for those 2x we have only talked about the R for about 20% of the time. We have spent much time talking about my issues & how to view my actions with through a more healthy lens.

H has seen his IC 7 times and much time has been spent talking through his side of things with his IC. While H was clear that he understood if I didn't want to do this in 2 weeks, I was also clear with him that this made me very anxious.

For me, walking into a room with an IC who doesn't really have my side of things about our R., and two adult men, one of whom has been verbally, emotionally, & physically abusive to me and the other who has his back & I have never met, is really, really scary!!

The 'want' to be in the positive side of this situation (with two well-trained professionals & my H) to hopefully affect positive change is strong, the fear of being in the negative side of this situation (with an IC who doesn't really know me, my former abuser, & the man who has his back &I don't know) where my feelings & side of things are not 'taken care of' is stronger.


While he was very clear that if I didn't feel safe yet with my IC, it was OK that if I didn't want to do this, we could each just do our own IC and leave, no need to meet for MC at all. In that sense he was giving me the out to say 'no, I"m not comfortable, I'm not doing this. Period" no explanation needed at all.

However, I REALLY wanted him to understand WHY this was SOOOOOOOOOOO scary for me at this point. I wanted him to get my explanation.

I spent almost the past 36 hours while away the past 2 days, trying to explain this to H, via emails, texts, phone calls, IM'ing.

After telling him I needed to vent this to someone else, as we were both getting frustrated in no 'hearing or being heard'. He was in his 'fix it' mode I was in 'understand me' mode.

I talked to a good friend & she let me vent, validated, & allowed me to understand it was OK to let the professionals know my concerns, ask for more information & what I needed to help feel safer.

I sent an email to H's IC doing just that and cc'd H on it.

When we talked at suppertime last night, he was happy that I had found someone to talk this through with, but very sad & dissapointed in himself that he could not do what I needed.

We started back down this path of me being heard... this time when he started to validate my feelings... "I hear you are really scared and are hesitant to put yourself in that situation" I stopped him... because I had my friend do what I had really needed,

I asked him... do you want me to give you a script for what I want to hear & how I want to hear it? He said.. yes that would be very very helpful

so I told him the following

in a quiet, sensative voice..
"Bridgestone, I can tell you are really scared to put yourself in this situation... I can hear the shake in your voice, the tightness in your tone, that tells me you are really, really scared.. "

I said.. can you honestly do that? He said of course.. I just didn't know what you needed me to say & how.

So he did the above (more or less in his own words..and then added the following...

I bet you are picking at your fingers, maybe even shaking, your breaths are shallow & you are sitting stock still just looking at the ground.

I started to cry... "he notices, he understands what I look like when I'm really scared!!!"

It was like an emotional orgasm.

Strange I know. I gave him some more 'script' about seeing my actions which he did the same basic thing with.. taking what I gave him & tweaking it with his own style.. again.. more tears for me, more emotional orgasms.

I have more & more hope.
but damn.. it's hard when I'm not numb.


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Oh.. he also told me later, when I called to tell D14 good night.. that he had been thinking about the past few months and my actions.

He broke down & said, he couldn't believe how patient I had been with him learning new skills. He compared me to Job, he gave examples, talked about how he had seen my frustration & then my patience kick in & try again (I think it's the teacher in me)

totally unsolicitated, totally unasked for but oh so welcome....emotional orgasm.
I was spent..content.. but back wanting more this morning.

I am holding off calling... I will let him initiate contact again today. I hope that him giving me 3 of those in 6 hours (yes I told him how it compared to sex) is enough for him to come back wanting to give me more...

Damn expectations.


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Hi Bridge. I am so glad you are having some good 'sex' with your H! I love the idea and feel pretty sex starved too! Do you watch the show Brothers and Sisters? That was a subject on that show recently. Be careful....it led to the real thing!

Is your H less busy with the family business this time of year? a little less stressed and he has time to put this M on the front burner? He does seem to be trying to figure things out.


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Wow - bridge! I don't know what to say. This is tremendous! Maybe a word of warning - just because he is getting better doesn't mean he'll consistently give you the same thing. And honestly, I think it'd be hard for any man to do so; you know, the whole men vs. women thing. So indeed do damn those expectations! Otherwise, take what you can get \:\)


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Originally Posted By: lodo
Maybe a word of warning - just because he is getting better doesn't mean he'll consistently give you the same thing.


I know... I'll take the emotional orgasm occasionally. Is it a fair trade to ask for one of those from him for me as often as he used to ask for & get a physical one from me?

As long as the respect is consistant and I know that he CAN do it (be that empathetic) & I can ask for what I need, when I need it.... that gives me hope for long-term change that matters to me.

Originally Posted By: lodo
Otherwise, take what you can get \:\)


uh-huh ;\)


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Originally Posted By: WCW
Hi Bridge. I am so glad you are having some good 'sex' with your H! I love the idea and feel pretty sex starved too! Do you watch the show Brothers and Sisters? That was a subject on that show recently. Be careful....it led to the real thing!

Is your H less busy with the family business this time of year? a little less stressed and he has time to put this M on the front burner? He does seem to be trying to figure things out.


Good sex... I think I'm excited just typing the word \:\) I have found putting my emotional needs in terms of physical needs and our interactions we have had in the bedroom has made a big difference for him 'understanding' me. Those analogies seem to fit & make sense to him.... I guess whatever works, huh?

He is less busy in some respects, but the end of the year tax scenario & financial planning for next year seems to consume the hours... of course just around the corner is the 'new life' season which requires plenty of preparation. As you know.. it never ends... the season just changes.

He is learning to delegate better & admit that his management of his time needs work on priorities... hearing that out loud from him, helps me be hopeful that he is looking for ways to not be obsessive about his work and put family first in many, but not all ways. Still watching & waiting on this one.. as it is truly a deal breaker for me.

Thanks for stopping by!
Bridge


Divorced 03/2010
Mom to two amazing kids

Taking the road less traveled because those encountered on the way may be just as unique.

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