Hey Ali- Personally, I think it would be cruel to talk to you about his relationship with Helen. If I have compassion and care for someone that still has feelings for me (that I was in a long term R with), I am not going to 'rub it in their face' that I am 'with' someone else. Blech.
Regarding reaching out or not-- I'll leave that to the experts. My only observation is that you have been expressing a lot of regrets for how you handled things this past year. (ie, not speaking up, acting like you're fine, etc.) Whatever you decide, try to make sure it is something you can live with no matter the outcome.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
Hi SIrPrize, thanks for posting! No, I wasnt going to turn up in a raincoat! If we were in piecing, maybe, lol. Thankyou for the analogy. He does have to come to his own decision. One thing I know about my ex and he had said he is like this, he is VERY slow to make up his mind and speak up/act, typically 1 - 1 1/2 years!! So this is par for the course, IF he is still undecided (as his friends seem to think, but who really knows!?. He's a master of concealment, so I'll believe it when I see it.
I am trying to love on myself, its hard though when things keep coming in to doubt myself. For example, my BMF has dropped me like a stone, which is probs for the best now his W is back, but he's been a bit dismissive and offish when we have spoken, maybe its his dented ego, or partly to 'show' her I'm nothing to him. My sister keeps hanging up on me too, as she is going through a bad breakup and starts rows with me (shes 41 !!). And whenever someone doesnt reply to a text or return a call I take it much harder than I would have in the past. So.. got to keep trying to build myself up, but it is hard. There are new friends around though, and old, that tell me really nice things and build me up and I'm grateful for their support.
Thanks Snodderly and Trixi.. I am happy I sent the text NYEve, I thikn that was ok, I didnt say much! And he responded in kind, so no damage done. I would like to email him to say thanks for the gift, but IF I do, it will have to be with ZERO expectation of a reply from him, so I'll think on it.
Hi Al!! I am glad I answered to that message!!! You are sad and lonely and down and therefore vulnerable. But you kow what? We'be through worse times together this last year. You will soon feel better... xxx K
Dont eat all those chocolates. I 've gained weight lately and it bothers me very much!
Thanks K, I'm not so sure.. I seem to be sinking even lower today. Its becuase he's 'back', in Cornwall now and NOT contacting me. And the realisation that I have seen him twice in 4 months. I must be crazy to be holding out for him to want me back. He is dating someone else. We're barely in contact anymore.
I have a strange sensation today.. I feel angry. I feel wound up, cross, frustrated and angry. I want to rant and rave at him. How could you leave me like that, with so little warning and not a single discussion, or argument, after all those years? How could you put me through such shock and devastation to save yourself and not have to face any unpleasant explanations? Why did you string me along then for 6 months and phone me every day and see me every weekend to turn round and 'leave' me a second time for that woman you met at work? The one you swore you werent interested in.
Why phone me a week before Christmas and talk for an hour about yourself and not even ask me how I am or what I have been up to? And if you care enough to go to the effort of sending me a Christmas present and card, why then, when I (embarresingly) said it would be nice to meet up sometime, you sidestepped the quesion with a "I dont really know what I am doing"..as if you dont really want to see me.
And why take me for meals and drinks and bike rides and to the cinema and out with friends and stay overnight with me and email me every day often 3 or 4 times and phone most evenings for months and yet.. not let me know where you live?? And now, after all this time, to still talk to friends about me, as if you are weighing things up, but to not even contact me, thereby making me feel even more worthless and that I am a 'failure' for not being able to do enough, be good enough, interesting, alluring, pretty, funny, special, whatever enough, to win you back.
Why do all of this to me? Why be so cruel, after all the love and kindness I showed you for a decade?
Well, guess that saved me writing an angry letter to him. I think I've lost all self belief and confidence.
Whoa Whoa Whoa!!!!! Back up. Let's examine what you just said.
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How could you put me through such shock and devastation to save yourself and not have to face any unpleasant explanations?
That's just it. He was saving himself Ali and that is all he is responsible to do. He had a commitment to you, yes, however those are broken every day. That would be why we are all here, right? Broken commitments? He made a decision based on his feelings of desperation and unhappiness. Again, he is only responsible for himself and he took care of himself. Period.
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Why did you string me along then for 6 months and phone me every day and see me every weekend to turn round and 'leave' me a second time for that woman you met at work? The one you swore you werent interested in.
In a word - detatchment. He didn't know how to detatch after so long together. Even though he knew he couldn't be with you, he didn't know how to let go completely. You were a comfort zone that he knew how to deal with.
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Why phone me a week before Christmas and talk for an hour about yourself and not even ask me how I am or what I have been up to?
Self-absorbtion.
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when I (embarresingly) said it would be nice to meet up sometime, you sidestepped the quesion with a "I dont really know what I am doing"..as if you dont really want to see me.
I'm going to be brutal here so brace yourself (I do it out of love). He doesn't want to see you right now Ali. He can't. He is still holding on in some ways the same way you are. You have to let him go completely Ali.
Stop asking why. You will never have the answers and you're going to have to accept that the same way we all have. It's not easy but you have to do it for yourself or you will keep cycling like this for eternity.
I know that you don't want to hear this right now Ali but you really do need to concentrate only on you. What he is doing or will do or has done are all unimportant. You can only control yourself and your reactions. You are letting things far beyond your control have control over you.
STOP NOW! Again, I say all of this out of love for you Ali. I'm very sorry you are cycling again but please know that once you let go completely the cycling will stop.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Thanks Mishka..thanks for caring. My diatribe of 'whys' was more rhetorical! I cant help wondering WTH happened? But its unlikely I will ever know. My life feels like the last days of Rome right now. I only have a small family and its disintegrated this week which is upsetting and it makes me miss him all the more. On top of that, I have lost a good mate, but that was inevitable, considering the sitch. Unfortunately, he was my best friend and main support here, other than my ex, over the past 2 years, so thats a blow.
I know he took care of himself, I just felt after all those years, he owed me a little more care. He finds it hard to discuss his feelings though, so its not surprising in hindsight. His behaviour last year just made a bad break up worse. He probably knows that, which compounds his guilt. I didnt really expect to see him, but of course it would be lovely to. I'm sure he is having a tough time anyway, he does have depression. despite me imagining his R is all rosy and he is happy.
Like my Dad said earlier, its been hard on me hearing news of his 'confusion', but then the reality is, nooone knows how he really feels or if he will ever tell me. I probably need to face up to the fact he is in a mess/new R and just try and be his friend, of sorts, although, one that cant really contact him or see him hey!
Ok, good. I'm glad to know the 'whys' were not questions you really thought you would get answers to or that you needed answers to. I was getting very concerned for you.
It sounds like you and Cher are developing a good friendship. Hopefully that will grow into more eventually and you will have a new BFF there in Cornwall.
You said that your family disintegrated this week. What have I missed? What happened?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Yes, I have got Cher, but shes got a tonne of issues herself and her fiance took me aside NYEve to confide in me he's not sure he can stay with her for life.. so not looking good! My sister is rowing with me and lying to my parents, as she has gone back to her abusive BF and my parents are very upset about it all.
I have had difficulties over the past 10 years, but my ex has been there for me since August 1998..(until he met Helen). And likewise me for him. I feel so anchorless and everything around me feels like its crumbling. My BFF says it isnt really, its just things are changing and thats a good thing, its just scary at the time.
Symbolically, it helps me to know that I have got Uranus (planet of change) DIRECT on my Sun right now oppositie Saturn (planet of stability and structure), so its very much a feeling of "tearing down structures, breaking up the old for the new" and it feels a bit internally like I am being torn assunder. But I know I only have another year of this (blimey!) and then hopefully things will settle down again for the next 14 years!
I'm sorry to sound negative today. I got all excited to hear he said he is 'confused', so its a blow to have NC.
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
As for all your "why's"--try checking out the results of low seratonin, which is what happens during depression, on the human mind. Essentially, the depressed person's brain works quite differently. Things that seem to make no sense to non-depressed people almost seem to be the norm to them--at least, so many of them act and speak in almost predictable ways. Is it really worth going over and over the "why's?" Until his brain becomes un-depressed, he's not going to be able to see things from your perspective, period. So try not to get stuck on that; take care of your own happiness instead.
You asked about timelines in my H's depression/MLC. This is what it looked like: His mother died suddenly and he entered denial--a time of numbness, passive aggression, when he seemed quite shut off from me and the rest of the world. Then came the stage when he was angry about everything: work, the news, my family, the kids, where I flossed my teeth, etc etc. These 2 stages together lasted about 13 months, though the anger could flare up for another 2 years.
Next came his replay stage, in which he neglected the house and his children, and focused on new (younger) friends, new music, new clothes, more alcohol, talked about getting a new job or moving or getting a sportscar (which, out of nowhere, he'd suddenly "always wanted"). He completely changed his history so that I'd forced what had been mutual decisions on him. Then, of course, he met the EA, and she became the focus of his thoughts. He talked about how he'd always had to be responsible, but "now it's time for me." He was always tired and achey, and spent all his time either away "for work" or on the sofa, complaining the kids wouldn't let him sleep. This stage took another 2 years.
His "awakening" came on the day he could finally admit that he had been lying to me about the extent of his connection to the OW. He also began cycling--one day he could see that she wasn't "just a friend," but a threat to our marriage. The next day he'd ask, "what's wrong with having a good friend anyhow?" It was scary to listen to him: he clearly had 2 minds (the teenaged and the mature) but was unable to control which one dominated. On a day when he thought he wanted to choose me over her, he said good-bye to the EA.
Immediately, he slipped into the depression stage. He thought a lot about the agony of not having EA in his life anymore. He'd lie around sighing deeply at night, admitted to suicidal thoughts, had virtually no sleep, stared vacantly through alien eyes, and occasionally hugged me as though I were a wooden post. He was completely oblivious to my pain, just asking "why did all this have to happen to me?" and feeling like a victim.
Then came the withdrawal stage, during which he rarely communicated about his thought processes to me (although he spilled his guts to all sorts of inappropriate people). He renewed his contact with the OW, but felt terrible guilt each time. He felt more aches and pains than ever before. Because he was seeing a counsellor thorugh this time, these 2 stages lasted about 9 months together.
Finally, he said he wanted to work on the marriage. He said goodbye to the OW (who he still saw as virtually perfect), and took an interest in the kids again, and stopped feeling such pains. Of course, I expected he'd apologize, and recognize my strength in getting through this nightmare, and be his loving self again. Wrong!! Coming out of the depression took another 9 months. He didn't get me anything for our anniversary--though he'd put a lot of thought into it--because he couldn't make a decision. He seemed to stop all attempts to improve things between us. For the longest time he would shut down if I said anything about his whole MLC and EA, or even if I was obviously upset about anything. He'd occasionally say "sorry," but couldn't explain which part he was sorry for.
Gradually, he became his happy, positive self again. We can talk about pretty much anything now, and he can even laugh about the past. But we could never talk about it while it was more "immediate," and as a result, most of what I would have wanted him to know never got said. And that's probably all right, because it's not as if he can remember a lot about his time in depression.
In total, it took H 4.5 years from the time his mother died until he felt happy and in love again. Without his C I think at least a year could have been added to that. Your BF looks like he still has several stages to go through--the infatuation with the OW usually lasts about 2 years, for one thing. Until he has completely come out of the depression, he won't understand your pain, frustration, anger, etc, so you're better off dealing with those on your own, as in Passionate Marriage.
As an aside, I'm very pleased to hear that your BMF is choosing to end your relationship . That really is the only chance his marriage has, and I hope you will be a big enough person to break the connection, for the sake of his wife and child.
