Thank you one and all for all of the wonderful support. It has been a very trying month for me. OEO has not held back in the mental abuse that he has in store for me. First, it starts with how I am being a horrible parent because I need time to heal from his infidelity. Then, he decides to consult with many expensive Ls in order to file stupid motions against me. He is hell bent on trying to get full custody of our son even though there is nothing to stand on. In the process, he is draining our finances so that we have nothing.....absolutely nothing. I have been reduce down to asking friends for hand me down clothes for my son because I cant even afford to buy him a coat or pants. Our mortgage payment is now 2 months behind. I truly think he is going to just let the home go into forclosure so he can fight me on god knows what.
I am tired. So very, very tired. This is not the path I wanted to take. I did not want things to get ugly. He feels he is justified in his actions because I asked him to no longer have any contact with me. I think I have reason to ask this of him. I mean I had to face a life threatening disease w/o him and deal with my son's depression and suicide attempts alone as well. Why is it so wrong for me to say I need my space to heal??? Even my son's therapist has said that O' Enlightend One should NOT be in my home. He says it triggers abandonment issues with our son. This is not healhty for him. Does OEO listen???? No, instead he uses this as his ammo to fight against me. I feel cornerd and dont know what to do. On one side is me and the therapist saying OEO should not be in the home....on the other is him saying that I am being mean and vindictive and he will not stand for it. He will fight me for full custody because I asked for peace. He is claiming I am being a horrible mother now, even though up until this point he has claimed I am a great mom. WTF????
SO, I have not been posting much because I am drained. I dont want this to go to L's but at this point dont see any alternative. He is the one chosing how this fight will be conducted. I am done. Completely done. Its funny, my brother made the comment to me that he could tell that I now see this as a finacial decision while OEO still is looking at this as an emotional deciasion. Why? He left me for his fat ugly maggot. I am now moving on and letting go. I dont want him in my life anymore. This is what is triggering all of the uglyness. I just dont get it. Maybe somebody who is a bit further along can shead some light on this........please??????
I am just trying to live buy the 90/10 rule......10% of life is what happens to us and 90% of life is how we chose to react to it. I am trying my hardest to react in a positive dignified manner...lord knows he is making that hard as well.
Thank you friends for being my support and checking on me. It has been a very rough month and I feel emotionally drained at the moment.........
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Do you have a lawyer? If not, get a good one promptly. Tell them you want to aggressively settle this. Your lawyer will tell his lawyer that. His lawyer will tell him. Tell you lawyer what is happening. Like mine they may inform you that he's using bullying techniques on you because you still have a soft spot in your heart for him.
He's throwing blame, that's his frame of mind now. He had to justify leaving.. hence pinning it all on you.
Send him blessings, good wishes when he upsets and annoys you. Though I didn't believe it, doing that eased the anger so I was in a better place. That leads to forgiveness, which is a beautiful gift given to YOU.
Talk to your counselor about what you need to do to be in a good place to make good decisions. Mine works closely with my doc to monitor that the antidepressants I'm on are taking care of the depression. "Be in a good place to make good decisions." is one of my mantras.
Stop talking or speak of his actions minimally. The more I did, the more power I gave him, the more I put myself in a victim mode. What was I going to do? What were MY plans and actions? Focus on how YOU are going to resolve this. You are the primary person, not him. Take the lead.
Rejection, betrayal and departure by a spouse wreaks havoc in the soul, mind and body. I've found that by taking care of me I move forward. When I fall into old habits, I get stuck and feel lost and hopeless. This is YOUR journey now. What do you need in your life?
You can do anything you want.. The world is your oyster.
wow BH, Im so sorry he's being such a jerk! well, even if there isnt' much left guess it's time to get your own L involved to protect yourself from loosing the house. Dont' know if they have them in your state, but in mine there is a court appointed person who speaks in behalf of the child, this person can tell the judge how badly OEO's behavior is affecting him, no way in heck can they give him full custody.
As far as of why OEO is behaving like this... who knows, it's just impossible to make sense of these idiots hon, you'll go crazy trying to figure them out, they defy all logic. Will pray for you and your son)))))) I hope you get the space you need from him.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I feel guilty....I know I should be checking in on my fellow friends and lending them support, I just cant. I am so tired. I am worn out. OEO has been filing motion after motion to try and take my son away from me. He is using my cancer as reason to show that I am no longer a fit parent. How could someone sink so low? How could the man I once loved used a deadly illness that I overcame against me? He will have to face the piper one day.
Thank you everyone for checking back in with me. It has been a rollercoaster of a ride. I thought that by going NC I would give myself peace, instead I have just created more problems. Here is a quick update...and please know that if I had the strength I would be there for all of you. I just cant right now. As soon as this storm passes, I look forward to re connecting to everyone. There is only so much one can do. Anywho.....so I spent New Years Eve with some friends in Indiana. I had a wonderful time. When I arrived home OEO has left me a 2 page letter that was nothing but spew. It was all justification n his part and how I am such a terrible person and I have force him into a corner because I will no longer communicate with him. I have to admit that it made me VERY angry when I read it, not to mention confused. It truly was not a very coherent letter, me and my friend could not make heads or tales of it, yet he was spitting venom one minute then wishing me peace the next????? I just let it go. That is his issue, not mine.
We have been trying to work out a contract for conduct during mediation. It has not been going very well. I finally decided enough is enough. If I sign this contract he gets to keep invading my home and forcing me out on a weekly basis. After talking to my S IC, I now can see how this is not healthy for him or me. To make matters worse, he filed a motion for change of venue. If it goes threw I have lined up a shark of a Lawyer here in St. Louis. This new L will force him out of my home until the D is final. If it does not go threw, then I am awarded a default motion since he missed the first two hearings. That means my D will be final and I will get everything I ask for. So, I am feeling ok and confident. I am ready to just be done with him.
Anyone who would threaten to use an illness as a defense to take a child completely away from a parent is scum in my book. Yet, despite everything he is trying to do, I still believe it is in my S best interest to have contact with his dad. Why do they stoop so low? Is it the OW whispering in his ear? From what I can tell things are not so rosy in that corner either. He is trying everything he can to get his own place. Too bad, you made your bed now you get to live in it. I am trying to let go of the anger I have. It is not nearly as intense as it was a month ago, but still there. That just tells me I am healing, but not healed.
I hope everyone is having a better year than the last one! Thinking of all of you and I am so appreciative of all of the support you have given me.
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I think it's great you know what's good for you, what works, what doesn't. This board is a good example. You know it's here, you know folks care and accept you. Drop by when it's right. You're wonderful! *hugs*
Save the letter he wrote to share with the lawyer.
Kids need both their parents with or without divorce.
People react differently to fear and pain. Sometimes it's passive aggressive, sometimes it's being rotten, sometimes it's lashing out, crying.. the whole gamut. Forgive him for what he's doing. It's a great help for you.
Make no assumptions about OW, nothing. Work with the facts and what your goals are. Avoid being sucked up in his drama. My spouse abruptly left me while I was recovering from a serious head injury. People feel incredibly entitled to what's right from them when they make the decision to leave. Their reality is their own. What was important in the past is pushed aside for their new awareness. That's a place they're stuck in until they decide to move on. You can only work on you.
Thanks for stopping by and sharing. You're a good woman and a sweet heart!
Nice to hear from you. I agree with you, you need to take care of YOU and your R with daughter first. Remember that we are here for YOU whenever you need it. Don't worry about us. We have others here supporting US.
I wish you well during this difficult time. Stay focus on what is important.
We are praying for you. You are a strong woman and things will be OK.
*hugs*
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Howdy everyone! I am doing really really well. Funny how there are so many ups and downs in this journey, hopefully the ups starts to out number the downs. It seems to be going that way.
Today I met with a local lawyer to talk about my case. He was very nice but pretty much a shark as well. I liked that. Anyway, he advised me to go ahead and have the venue changed. Then, as soon as the case is changed to St. Louis, he is going to file an emergency motion to establish temporary custody, temporary maintenance that includes enough to cover the house payment and utilities, a motion barring him from the house, and a motion that places a judgment against his upcoming bonus so that I get half. Then we talked about how to pay him. I told him my parents where willing to loan me the money....he stopped me right there. He said that I should get a credit card and charge his fees. This then becomes part of the marital debt and insures that OEO HAS to pay for at least half of my fees. He said in a case like mine where I can prove misconduct and bullying tatic, the judge tends to throw that debt back at the WAS. I told him that OEO was going to try and fight for full custody...he just started to laugh. He asked me a few question - have I ever been convicted of a crime, history of drug abuse, any proof of child abuse/neglect - obviously the answers where all NO! He said dont even worry about it. No Lawyer, after seeing our finances, is going to try and fight to win full custody. I told him that Owen's IC would testify on my behalf as well. He said it wont even come to that. I walked out of there feeling so confident and secure. The new L kept commenting on how organized I was and that it would help my case and keep cost down. I now feel like I have plan, a direction. I finally feel safe again. It is worth the $3500.00 to just get this over with and be able to move on.
After I got home, I check my email and had several different friends just checking in on me to make sure I am doing ok. I felt so loved. It really made my spirits soar. Then to top it off, and really close friend called and paid for me to go to a yoga class tonight. It helped to calm my mind and soul. I am truly blessed to have such supportive people in my life....including all of you here!
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I was going to somehow get you my phone number because I had a great atty for you (a shark as well), but you are in terrific hands. That's what you need. Push it away, bh, give it to the lawyer. That's what he is there for, so you can stop worrying so much.
Your husband is desparate and reaching. Not to mention hurt and frustrated by your NC rule, and lashing out. Typical behavior but doesn't make it any easier. At some point, I think for your son's sake, you'll need to get to a place where you can have peaceful exchanges and communicate about son.
No need to hurry that though. Just continue being the amazing mom you are, get your rest, take care of yourself, and remember that what H says about you isn't true.
Its amazing how empowered you feel to have the good attorney, isn't it? I am so glad you found someone, I just don't think mediation would work, you guys have such high emotions at the moment.
