Since most all of us were not the ones driving our divorces, the LBS if you will, then we have to recognize that we are on a different timeline than our former spouses. Most of our X's had affairs, decided they didn't want to be married, and we are where we are. They are WAY ahead of us on the timeline. Also, they weren't/aren't the ones hanging out on a forum like this.
So... it is a safe assumption to say that in general, they are all AHEAD of us on the timeline of "moving on" and they don't have the same thought processes that we do. So in general it is probably pretty safe to assume that they will be a) looking for relationships with more gusto since they are farther down the road, and b) will probably have more failed relationships because they haven't dealt with the things they need to deal with.
So, don't get jealous of the relationships you see them in. In general they are just killing time. The relationship will most likely end in failure and they aren't doing anything constructive/healthy. Also, don't read too much into little bouts of thinking they might be trying to reach out. Chances are it is because they are feeling alone and they are reaching out to something they know. IF, and this is a big IF, they are truly reaching out, then they will continue to do so and if it is meant to be then it will happen. DO NOT DRIVE IT.
Your mission ought to be continuing to find yourself and to recover the heart that you lost. It is out there, and it will come back when you least expect it and when it is ready. Do the healthy thing, don't mimick what you see them doing, don't play the game anymore.
Thanks - all good things to hear. I'm trying to find myself but recovering the heart I lost? Seems distant right now. The thing is that XW and I, above all else, talked. I thought it was unique when I first met her. And now as I go on without her I still think it is, can't talk to anyone else like we used to. I'm sure I'll meet someone else, but feel frustrated at the setback. At the lack of commitment. At everything. At myself. And of course, as mentioned initially, we don't even connect when we talk anymore, mainly due to me keeping things shallow.
Recover the heart I lost. I guess part of the difficulty is that to do so is to really abandon XW and I have to admit that still I haven't done that completely. Even after all she has done and said, I'm holding out a bit of hope. Pathetic. But I made a commitment and it has been hard to truly let that go.
Steve, you're right. She moved on a long time ago. I'm the only one keeping this thing alive. I pretend like I've moved on to her, but here I am on this board. I miss her, what else can I say? But missing someone that much is ultimately not trusting enough in yourself.
Recover the heart I lost. I like that. It doesn't imply baggage but rebirth.
I pretend like I've moved on to her, but here I am on this board. I miss her, what else can I say? But missing someone that much is ultimately not trusting enough in yourself.
lodo
Glad to see you Lodo!!!
I don't know; I miss some of that too. The friend I used to have in H, he was family and I wonder if he always will be in some respect. But I kind of find myself missing the H that's gone now, he's really become someone else. I think I can miss that old R and still go on to work on forming new ones. And maybe with time you miss less and less I'm thinking. Karen
Good to hear from you. You shouldn't feel bad about not moving along as quickly as XW. I think the gift was for herself - to make herself feel less guilty. I suspect she feels bad for hurting you, but not enough to change herself. Just remember, she checked out of your R before you did. It was a decision she made consciously, it wasn't thrust upon her unexpectedly. It's no wonder that she is further along than you in the process. But it is not a race.
I found out right before Christmas that my XW (1st M) is getting remarried. I have no romantic feelings for her any longer, but after being married 13 years, I would lie if I said it didn't stir up ANY emotions. It sounds like you are doing well, my friend.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
For me the abandonment of hope is a gradual process, but one that picks up steam as days roll by. You aren't even 3 months divorced yet, so it is still very early. I guess I'm coming up on 7 months since D-date here in a few but I tend to mark my journey as beginning the day I moved out. There was no doubt as to the path she was on.
For you it was the ability to talk, for me it was the "feel" when I held her, so it was physical. In the 14 months since I've moved out there has been no one that "feels" as "right" as she once did. Now I've held some women with SMOKIN bodies in that time, much nicer than hers, so I know it isn't a physical characteristic. They sure ought to feel "right"! For you, I imagine you will meet women who have the capability to "talk" with you so the missing ingredient must be on your end. This is what I mean by the missing heart.
At first I thought I was heartbroken, heck that still might be it, not sure but don’t like the classification. I like to think of it in terms that I gave my heart away a long time ago. She had it and decided she didn't want it. Whether it is still with her or just off on an extended vacation, I'm not sure. I just know that there is something missing from me. I'm not broken, I'm not dysfunctional, I'm not heartless, I'm just not "back" to where I once was. However, I don't worry that I won't get my heart back I just know that I need to wait a while. I know that I need to get it back before I can give it away again. I like to think of it as Nature's way of protecting me from making any mistakes.
Now instead of being upset about this like I was about a year ago, I’ve learned to relish this time. It sure makes my life simpler, which is good! I don’t worry about being in a relationship and I refuse to pretend in order to be in one. I know that I am getting myself together and that I’m going through what I am supposed to be going through. I don’t burn bridges with new women I meet and I don’t “play” any of them. I don’t ask any of them to try on the glass slipper anymore. I figure that someday I’ll look down and either someone I’ve already met, or someone I’ve yet to meet, will be wearing it. I’d like to think that is the proper attitude and I would hope that it would work for you as well.
I pretend like I've moved on to her, but here I am on this board. I miss her, what else can I say? But missing someone that much is ultimately not trusting enough in yourself.
Nothing wrong with any of that..nothing wrong with acting "as if" you have moved on..nothing wrong with continuing to come to this board..this board should be a safe palce for you to express what you feel and hopefully not be judged..
It is very interesting the contrast in our situations - you very seldom hear or see your X, and it stirs up strong emotional thoughts, whereas, I have to talk and see my X almost daily and I have little regret that we are no longer together. It may be that the time apart causes deeper thoughts of reflection for both you and your X.
You or anyone else should not be wasting thoughts on what the future holds for your X. Just realize what she is - a person that cannot live in a long term relationship. She lacks commitment.
There is someone else that will come along that will lift your spirits and recapture your heart. The new person will have their own flaws and qualities. For myself, it is difficult to not make mental comparisons, but the thought that sticks out most in my mind is that the one I am with now believes strongly in developing a life long relationship. You may be thinking that you wont find someone like what your X once was - dont look for and have hopes for finding such a person as it may only bring back memories. You have grown over the years and your tastes and interests have changed too. Keep an open mind and you may be pleasantly surprised someday.
Karen, I agree - my XW is someone different now. I don't really know her anymore.
G - how you doing man? Hope all is well. Saw the pix of the house - looks like it's coming along.
Steve - thanks for your advice. It really helps to read that and you have a great way of saying things succinct and to the point.
Hey Mike - Beer? I got a SELECTION of beers. Wasn't it something like landshark or something you were always asking for? I don't know - you guys on the east coast drink some weird sh*t. Here, have what I'm drinking - Knob Creek whiskey.
Hey Kerry! Been checking on you though haven't posted. Sounds like your love life has kicked back in. Hope you're doing well!
I'm glad to be taking the time I'm taking for myself because more and more I realize I wasn't the person I wanted to be. Saw a great movie tonight - "Benjamin Button". I think it's a movie all DBers should see. First, it drives home the point that just because you love someone doesn't mean you're meant to be with them throughout your entire life. You come together in the periods in which you were meant to be together and when it's time to move on, be happy for the good memories, sad for the parting, and optimistic about your own future as an individual. It also underlines the message that we all need to take stock of our lives now and then and see if it isn't perhaps time to make some changes. No one wants to get stuck. To live a worthwhile life, we need to ensure that we are not only doing things we love, but doing things that continue to challenge and invigorate us. Emerson walked the same trails over and over yet continually found something new to discover and became one of America's greatest writers. He could have easily been lulled into complacency and no longer looked for something new in the familiar, or even worse, decided the path wasn't worth walking again since he'd already walked it. We all benefit by discovering the life around us, and if we can't see that life, it's time to make changes. That's the essence of DB for me.
lodo
PS - Steve, I should mention that it was the conversations for me because our sex life was lousy. Always was. XW doesn't know what she likes, didn't like to talk about it, and generally never got into it too much. Never initiated. After awhile I gave up on trying.
I was with another woman when my XW broke up with me 9 years ago (before we were married) and the experience was incredible. So I DEFINITELY look forward to finding out what being able to "feel" the one you love feels like!
Hey Lodo, just watched Benjamin Button the day before yesterday. The movie is not out here yet but H brought me an illegal copy for "awards nomination viewing only" LOL!!! It is a good movie. In my case, an alarm went off. For me it meant "change what makes you unhappy = my H", LOL!!! Funny he liked it too. His whole life has been resisting change and being stagnant. During our common life I was always pushing and trying and risking for both of us (nothing much, little things). He used to just come along when he couldnt find an excuse not to. That has been very draining for me. Very. Come to think of it, I think I really need to divorce him. LOL!! K
your post made me sad. I've read bits and pieces of what you've been through, but haven't gotten all of it so don't feel like I can comment (will anyway). But I'm sad for the pain you feel.
I think change is hard for men. Men resisting change is a complaint I've heard a lot from women. When it comes down to it, though, I don't think men really are that adamant about change. Just fears. Maybe it has to do with some sort of left-over evolutionary alpha-dog thing. I don't know. If you want a relationship, you have to compromise at the same time you find ways forward. If you can still do that with H, while being patient with who he is and who he'll never be, great. If that just isn't for you, then you should realistically address that.
Here's the kicker. I think my XW looked at me and said, I can't see being with him. He's complacent. He's boring. And I was because I didn't know what I was doing. I was lost. I'm still lost, but I've begun trying to recapture those dreams from 20 years ago. Funny enough, it was the expectations the XW subconsciously was weighing me down with that helped drive me into depression and lose touch with my dreams.
So, cut him slack if it's deserved. Otherwise, do what you need to do. But I'm sad that you've gone through what you've gone through and that you still face what you face.
Hey, I've never been to Greece. If I happen by, wanna meet for dinner? Need to go visit a friend in Istanbul and thought I'd make a trip of it.
lodo
PS - I'm enjoying my favorite petite syrah and am pouring you a glass!
For you, I imagine you will meet women who have the capability to "talk" with you so the missing ingredient must be on your end. This is what I mean by the missing heart.