Lodo, What do you know of working for a PhD and divorce? It seems to be common. Isnt' that partly your sitch? Is there any research on it?
Hi Login,
This has been my sitch - twice now. Quick synopsis: My XW and I were together 12 years. When we first got together, she warned me that she'd never had a serious relationship because she couldn't balance those demands with her academic ambitions. I ignored the red flags. 3 years later, she started a Master's at a prestigious research university; 3 months into it she broke up with me. I later discovered that there was OM, a grad student, she'd started seeing 1 month after promising me she'd be true forever. Long story short, she said no way to me, gave her heart to OM, and 2 months later realized she was lying to herself and she couldn't relate to him like me. It was rocky trying to get back together but we eventually figured it out. By then she'd passed her quals for a PhD but later dropped out because she wanted teaching experience rather than doing research. 2 years later we married.
That was 2002. In summer of 2007 she reinstated in her PhD. 2 months into that, she slept with OM on research trip. 2 months after THAT, she told me she couldn't deny her feelings and moved out. A month later I came to this site and the rest is on my threads. Currently she's called it quits with the first OM and now she's started up with ANOTHER researcher. Our D was final at the end of October and she says she's happy doing what she's doing, though she keeps breaking into tears around one of my friends and has started to tear up around me (until I bundle her out the door).
So that's been my experience and I went crazy at first, scouring the internet for research on PhD pressures and divorce. There isn't a lot out there, but what I've seen isn't good. I work at a research university and see what goes on. It isn't pretty. Especially in the medical school. One spouse supports another all through the tough times and then when the student finally get close to finishing the degree, they dump the spouse. Usually because they feel they're on a "different plane" and they want to just be with their colleagues who share the same interests, teaching loads, who work into the wee hours writing proposals, etc. Things are obviously different at a research university, but ... And I've decided this is more often the case with women than men. Maybe it's because women file for D more than men, but I definitely notice it. And it factors into some things I've read about how women deal with stress vs. men. That said, every sitch is different.
I'm sorry - I know your W is the one pursuing degree. Obviously what I know doesn't hold true for everyone. What's going on with you guys?
Mine was the opposite - I started the work on an advance degree, and my X walked. He decided that I didn't respect him, or have him high enough on my priority list.
Maybe he was trying to pre-empt the above scenario?
I have three classes left... I had a 4.0 until the world was pulled out from under me. I made the mistake of trying to keep up, but just couldn't keep up with the work or concentrate, and either dropped or failed (not submitting work), so I finally took a break. I just started back up this month, and hope to graduate by August.
My X was very supportive, but deeply resentful and never said anything.
I just read that middle-child-syndrome makes for men who need a lot of attention...his girlfriend was certainly there to give him that while I was working full time and trying to go to school full-time. I was also competing with the "new relationship" high of daily love letters and gifts, compared to a 20 year reality.
are you doing a masters? I am. working on thesis now. I also lost it when the rug was pulled out from under me. The incompletes stacked up but I kept taking the classes and finally made up all the incompletes. I'm way behind on thesis - should have started on it last summer, but it is what it is.
I don't know your how things worked with you and H, but I was resentful of some of XW's behavior re: grad degree. I hated the way she failed to include me or make me feel welcome at social gatherings of her peers. I felt unimportant when she expected me to match her schedule but would never match mine. I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that she slept with one of her field researchers and then refused to take even the slightest amount of time away from her work to do something together, even though that was her main complaint - that we weren't doing enough things together. One thing she kept acknowledging was that if we were to work on M it would mean her ending contact with OM/researcher. That would've affected her research project. Plus, she kept saying that her feelings for him aside, she was excited about future research collaborations with him.
Much of that was XW and how she chose to balance work and personal life. But I also wonder how much holds true for others in grad programs. At the research university I'm at, they call Law, Medical, and MBA degrees the "Divorce Degrees". And a study came out last spring saying women with one of those degrees was more likely to divorce than their male counterparts. Here's the WSJ article.
Do you hold much regrets leaving the simple life? EDITED - PERSONAL CONTACT INFORMATION is NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.
I dont recall, but I seem to remember it was your XW that needed to move for her job that compelled the two of you to leave that qaint little town.
I think that I can understand why it is harder for you to move on and that is because your X and you were very compatible and probably were soul mates. It is too bad that she lacks the character of monogomy with one person for life.
I'll be getting an MA in Education. All the work has been online, using my classroom as the "lab." No research buddies (beyond my elementary students), no peer gatherings.
I'm divorced since June 08. He started a PA with a neighbor 7/06, he moved out 7/07.
Getting my advanced degree never made me want to stray from my then-husband, and he is a high-school grad. I always thought our differently-intelligent selves complimented each other very well. Who knows what he thought, but his affair partner/girl-friend is a high-school grad who is not as intelligent as he is, and has no marketable skills to speak of. I think she is a file clerk at a dr's office part-time, and was stocking shelves in a Walmart for a while.
