Trying flirting on for size!

[BeingMe]

Hope it's something small and easy to treat, ACJ!

[job]

A,
I'm keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers. I do hope that they can figure out what is wrong with your brother and mother.

As for the mortgage, everything will fall into place. I suspect your HR office does have the request, but hasn't gotten to it.

Take care.

[Truelove]

Hi ACJ,

I am sorry to hear about your family's health and your mortgage problems. It seems that there never is just one problem - they seem to come in bunches!!!

I hope for your mother and brother that they will be better soon and will keep you and them in my thoughts.

Have a nice week-end. (((HUGS)))

[ACJ]

Thank you everyone.

Snodderly I spoke to the HR department and they said they hadn't received anything. The lady I spoke to even took the time to ring a colleague based in a different building (the organisation used to be two different ones) and they too didn't know anything about it. I've asked for a duplicate letter to be sent out. I'm not worried about this happening as it gives me a bit more breathing space in terms of having to pay out double the mortgage payments I currently make but I'm sure H will think that I am stalling so that he gets his money later than he wanted. This also does not bother me. The one thing that does bother me is all the telephone calls to my solicitor that cost more and more money.

I just want an end to all of this now. H and I were always in debt when we were together. I have broken free of that on my own but the mounting costs to the solicitor feel like H is drawing me back into his world of spend spend spend (even if you haven't got it) and that annoys me.

[job]

A,
I understand completely. You do not want to be sucked back into the debt world. I do hope that everything gets cleared up soon for you.

How are your brother and mother doing?

A, please take care of yourself. You have an awful lot on your plate these days.

[Truelove]

Hi ACJ,

I hope you had a good week-end despite the health problems of your mother and brother.

I bet you also got a lot of snow in your area.

Have a good week. Take care.

[ACJ]

I bet you also got a lot of snow in your area

That is an understatement I managed to get to work today but tomorrow might be a different story as they were closing the roads near to where I work as I left and we have had a lot more snow since.

DANGER: V long post!

Well a couple of days ago I prayed to God that he would consider doing something about my disparate family. My children hardly speak to each other, D18 is away from home and S16 never responds to my attempts to contact him. As for H well you all know that story!

This morning I think I got some sort of an answer:

At 5am my mobile phone rang. It was S16. Almost immediately the home phone also started to ring. My immediate thought was that there was an emergency but thankfully there wasn't.

S16 sounded in a bad way and asked if he could come round to my house. I immediately said 'of course you can..... but why? what's happened? He said he would prefer to tell me that when he got here but suffice to say he had fallen out big time with H. I immediately then knew why my home phone was ringing. In fact by this time it had rung twice and so I told S16 I would have to answer it before it woke D13 up and that I would ring him back. I don't have a house phone upstairs so by the time I actually got downstairs it had rung a third time and stopped. I have an answer machine that cuts in after so many rings hence the reason for the multiple attempts to ring. Eventually H got me on his 4th attempt.

He told me that I could expect a call from S16 to say he wanted to come back to live with me. I said that I had just received a call and that I had said he could come round but that there had been no mention of him coming back to live. I asked what had happened. He went on to explain that S16 had just come in (at 5am) after leaving for work at noon the previous day. He said that on 3 successive evenings he had come in post midnight after being told to do otherwise. He then went onto say that S16 had also been displaying some very aggresive behaviour recently and that he, H, had found it difficult to deal with him. He told me that if I did have S16 back in his present mood I could be putting myself and D13 at risk of being injured! I repeated that I had not told S16 he could move back in but said given what H had just told that it might not be a bad idea for him to walk round to me as it might enable him to calm down a little.

We spoke for a couple more minutes during which H admitted that at the moment S16 is behaving in exactly the same manner has he had been when I sent him to live with H in the first place. My first thought: 'Yes there is a God' I remained calm and returned the surprisingly gentle voice that H was using towards me and thanked him for putting me in the full picture. I had to stop myself from saying 'I love you' when I hung up

So I went back to my bed to keep warm and tried to ring S16 back as I had promised. However he still had his phone on silent so I couldn't get through. I eventually sent him a TM to tell him I had tried to call him back but his phone was on silent and to call me back to let me know what was going on so I knew whether to try to go back to sleep or not.

Then the home phone rang again! It was H again. This time telling me that S16 wouldn't be coming to me anytime soon. I asked why and was told that S16 had thumped a wall in anger and it was looking very much like he had broken his hand as his whole hand had immediately swollen up. He said he would have to take him to casualty. This displeased him a great deal because even at that point the snow was bad and he thought they might be busy with road traffic accidents. I gave H some advice about which was the best casualty dept to go to for quickness and again thanked him for keeping me informed. Again his voice was very gentle and it was even harder not to say 'I love you' when I hung up. I did offer to meet him at the hospital but he said there wasn't much point in us both going (which was true) so I told him to let me know what was happening.

As I still hadn't got back in touch with S16 directly I tried to ring him again and this time got through. They were by this time in the car on the way to the hospital. I asked him if he was alright and he said yes but he was clearly still in an ebullient mood. I told him he needed to calm down for his own sake. He started to throw all sorts of accusations about H at me and I immediately told him that I wouldn't allow him to try and pitch H and I against each other. I said that while he was in Hs care I wanted him to do what H said and then I told him I loved him.

As I was aware that H will only have heard S16s half of the above conversation I took a decision to text him to tell him exactly what had been said. As you all know I'm banned from doing this but I decided the repercussions were worth facing in this instance. So I TMd him the following message:

'This is to make sure there is no misunderstanding: I have told S16 that he has to calm down, that I won't allow him to pitch one parent against the other and that I've told him that he has to do what H tells him'

I was really surprised to (a) get a reply and (b) for it to read 'Ok thank you'. This man has not uttered one word to me since last April, apart from in a formal meeting with our Ls in September, so for him to be civil and actually thank me was a little strange but very welcome.

As it turned out they obviously weren't that busy because H phoned me back again at 6.45am to say they were back from the hospital, S16's hand was not broken and that he didn't know what S16s intentions were with regards to coming to my house. I thanked him for letting me know and said that if S16 wanted to be sure of getting into my house he needed to be here by 7.30am. It was clear from the convo that followed that H did not know that I had confiscated S16s key before Christmas. I nearly succombed to the 'I love you' but didn't.

At lunch time I rang S16 expecting to hear him in a slightly different mood. He wasn't. It was clear that I had woken him up. I tried to find out what had happened and to explain that he needed to stop the aggressive behaviour and his first response was 'I don't want to have this conversation!' I managed to keep him on the line and told him that he knew there was nothing more I wanted in the world than for him to come home but it had to be for the right reason and not just because he had fallen out with H. A few times he got angry with me especially when I intimated that I could not allow him to be aggressive in the company of me and his sister again. I didn't let on but the last time this happened I was very scared of him when he was in full force of the aggressive behaviour. He said he was disappointed in both mine and his father's impression of him. Apparently H had told him that if he came back to live with me he would be in prison by the end of the year b/c I wouldn't be able to cope with him. I was annoyed by this but didn't let it show. I simply said that was unfair of your dad to say that however, he is right in that when you are in a temper I am not able to control you b/c you are so much bigger than me and physically stronger.

Anyway after a while he eventually told me that this has been brewing for over a week. It seems he has been disregarding Hs wishes for a while and two weekends ago H vented his anger and they had a fall out on the Saturday night. The following morning he went into the kitchen for a drink and despite OW being in there he did not speak to her. As he walked back out the kitchen she tackled him about why he had not at least said good morning. He told her there was nothing good about the morning and so he had no reason to talk to anyone! She didn't like that and asked him who he thought he was speaking to (as much I don't like to admit this I think I would have done the same!) Biggggggggggggg mistake on the part of OW!

S16 apparently turned on her at this point and said no actually who the f do YOU think you are talking to? He said he then launched into a full torrent of exactly what he thinks of her. He told her that since meeting her his dad was a different person and not for the better! He said his dad no longer had a life b/c he only got to do what OW allowed him to do. He said his dad spent his entire life running around after OW etc etc etc

As might be expected of an MLC male H defended OW to the hilt when she went telling tales and so S16 felt even more betrayed. So whilst I think he went about it in the wrong way I can fully understand the angst that S16 was under. I did however tell him that if I had been in OWs position I too would not like to have been spoken to like that and that I probably wouldn't be very happy to have a teenage boy around potentially messing up my R with his father.

It seems that OW must pay for food out of her wages b/c for the last week she had told H she is not giving anymore money towards S16s upkeep including food. So H has had to use the small amount of child benefit that he gets for S16 to buy him food. This has caused more angst to S16 b/c H has been putting this money away to put towards S16s car insurance when he is old enough to learn to drive and has passed his test. Some VERY odd relationships and behaviours going on in that group of people (I refuse to call them a family - it is my family not theirs). And so the viscious cycle continues

I had to get back to work so I told him that he needed to spend the afternoon considering what it was that he REALLY wanted and why he was actually staying at Hs in the first place. I told him it was not fair on any of us to keep flitting between houses purely b/c one parent or the other was not the flavour of the month. I think for the first time, without even realising it, I exhibited tough love.

As soon as I got home this evening I TMd H again to say that I thought it was important that we talked about S16 as from the convo I'd had with him at lunchtime he was clearly a very troubled young man right now. I added that I had just got home from work if he wanted to phone me to discuss it. Any thoughts by me of thinking that at last H was becoming reasonable were dashed b/c he didn't bother to reply!

I spent half the evening trying to get hold of S16 and even tried to get through to him via his GF and also phoning Hs flat (which I have never done before I always call him on his mobile). It was all to no avail. I was beginning to get worried that it had all kicked off again and that something more serious had happened this time. So I asked D13 to TM her dad to find out if everything was ok as I was worried that I couldn't get hold of anyone. About 10 mins later H rang D13 back, asked what was wrong and when she told him he asked to speak to me (shock horror).

He calmly told me that S16 was much calmer now and that he thought he had changed his mind b/c he had taken his suitcase back out of the boot of Hs car where it had been all day. I felt both sad and relieved at this. He said S16s GF had been round and he was just taking her home and that he would get S16 to call me when he got back home. I thanked him and he said it was no trouble. He finished his call by saying he would speak to me later. This really threw me for a loop b/c whilst I knew it was just a local colloquialsim that everyone round here says when they end any conversation it is the first time in over 2yrs that he has said this to me. I know he didn't mean it but it stirred up a lot of emotions that I have kept bottled away for a very long time.

S16 did eventually ring back and he was less communicative than he was this afternoon. He was back to his usual self and I had to drag conversation out of him. I asked him what he was doing and he said he has not yet decided. I know in my heart that he probably has decided to stay with H but that he didn't want to voice that as he knew how disappointed I would be. Actually I was relieved more than disappointed but I didn't tell him that.

So you might ask yourselves why I felt God had answered my prayer. It's because this is the first calm set of conversations I've had with my H virtually since he left over 3yrs ago. I'm not naive enough to think that this will set him on the road home. That will never happen BUT it did feel good to be able to talk to him without the usual arrogant manner that he has adopted of late.

If you got this far, thank you. I needed to get all of that out of my system.

[Truelove]

Hi ACJ,

I think you handled the situation really well. You seem to be able to do the balance act between H and the kids and stay calm.

It was also good that your H stayed calm.

Your snow should melt soon but then you will probably have floods or at least very soggy and muddy meddows and icy roads at night. Do take care when driving.

Have a good week. (((HUGS)))

[ACJ]

Thanks TL. On the estate where I live the snow will be here for days to come yet. The gritters and snow ploughs don't come down this road as it only a side street and the council doesn't deem it an effective use of our taxes! A couple of houses up from mine the road takes a short but fairly steep incline and now that the snow has turned to ice it is lethal. In past years quite a few minor accidents have happened in similar weather condition b/c of this problem. Add to this is the fact that one of the people who lives in a house just on this incline for some stupid reason insists on parking on the road when the weather is like this even though he has more than enough room on his drive. So if someone does happen to spin on the ice they are likely to have a collision with his car.

Well the karma continues

H went to visit D18 at uni. It is the first time that he has been since she went there is September! Anyway he told D18 that last night OW booked a flight to Czech Republic, her homeland, and she flew this morning! H told D18 she has gone to get away from S16.

I rang S16 this evening to find out if things had got worse or kicked off again. He told me he has patched things up with his dad but not OW. He said he hasn't uttered a word to her in over a week.

OW is due back on Sunday. All my kids (and secretly me) are hoping she decides not to come back at all!

[Truelove]

Hi ACJ,

Yes, I watched the news on BBC about the snow situation in your country. What makes it even worse is that nobody has winter tyres. I remember when I told my H about them and he did not know what they were!!! I hope for you that these conditions will end soon. Luckily, we have no snow and the weather was lovely yesterday and today.

These are "good news" on OW!! I can understand your kids not wanting her to come back. Hopefully, she had enough of the sitch.

Take care and have a good rest of the week.