I have never for a moment thought you were stupid, but I do believe there is something slightly out of whack here. It takes all sorts to make the world go around though and this place is for people to come and vent and let off steam etc. Maybe it is just not your time to move on.....it IS different for everyone, and you do sound as though you are getting closer - but another year(!).
I just feel that when people don't wiggle their ra ra pom poms at you and shout 'good job Ali' etc you get very defensive.
You have gone through the realms of his depression in huge detail, you talk about his communications endlessly and what others think he may be thinking, (which is anybody's guess; real crystal ball gazing). You agonise about when/ if to contact him and what to say??????
But if this place gives you the outlet you need and the support you require then it's a good place for you.
Personally I would get an agent to manage your joint properties and move to an area populated by more eligible guys your own age when you can.....you sound like you would be a great catch for some guy.....and way to GOOD for this one.
Enough said.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hey Saffie... I do understand you're trying to help, as everyone is, but I've always thought about stuff alot! Its how my brain works when I have a problem. I dont expect rara's, really I dont, its too late for that! But yeah its taking me quite a while to get over him hey. Sorry, the another year comment is about the Uranus/Saturn on my Mercury/Sun.. but the effects will lessen by September.
No, I wouldnt get an agent to manage my properties, I do a good job of it, besides agents charge the earth so not a good idea! Its no bother and I never speak to my ex about it, so its not about connecting with him. Its isolating here, but I dont want to move yet. He wanted to move away and we planned it, but it was my dream to move to the sea and here I am. We wouldnt even be here if it wasnt for me making it happen...
Thanks for saying I am a good catch and too good for him..I am sure he would agree. I do still need some goodbye with him, some closure, I need to be able to lay this to rest.
Like everyone here Saffie's perspective is important and helpful.
I'm surprised in a way that I'm still standing for my m after 10 months of separation. Many good friends are disapproving, not openly critical, but simply don't acknowledge let alone support me in this.
The support I get from this board is critical to my journey right now. At some point what Saffie had to say will feel like it is what I must do... not just to detach but to let go and move on. I'm not sure when we will get there Ali, or whether we'll have to, but if we do, we'll do it; we'll want to do it.
Hey Whatever, yeah, exactly. I am as surprised as you. I have lived with 2 other men (4 1/2 years and 3 years) and moved on within weeks on each occassoin, but then it was more mutual, or something I also wanted, and not a shock when it was over. This feels more like a death and it takes time, typically 1-2 years. Its a grieving process and it can do funny things to you. But yes, we will get there in time!
I was lucky that people in RL supported me waiting for the most part, but then they are just as sad we split up! My Dad said to me this week.. he is a nice guy.. you lost a good man there (yeah, thanks Dad!).
Talking of astrology.. I've got a major alignment coming up later this week. (pertinent to all Pisceans).
Uranus is at 20' of Pisces, slap bang between my Sun at 18 and Mercury at 22. This is once in a lifetime! (Uranus takes 84 years to go around)....and on Thursday and Friday, Venus is conjunct Uranus... both on my Sun/Mercury. Thats once every few hundred years and massively huge for me, falling where it does.
At the same time, the sun is conjunct Jupiter on my Venus, happens only once every 13 years. I think something is likely to be revealed later this week and into the weekend that will shift something for me. Its about revelation, revolution and change. It IS huge and I saw this one coming a long way off, last year. Its also a solar eclipse on Monday.. again, bang slap on my Venus (once in a lifetime) conjunct the expansion planet, Jupiter. Its going to be a big week, but how ever sudden or shocking or upsetting the events.. it will be by far for the best, but its likely to take quite some time to see that.
So.. just wanted to put that out here and see what occurs! Ok.. off to the gym! Yay for me being a person who doesnt just sit on her *rse and drink tea all the time.
Just wanted to say hello and let you know I am keeping current with you.
I think we all struggle with the question of when to let go and move on. I, for one, have always followed my gut. My gut has never led me astray, so I am listening to it in my decisions regarding my relationship with my H.
Like you, I have easily moved on in the past after breakups. But more than the shock of it, I think for me anyway, the difficulty lies in the unwell and confused state of my H. If he ran away from me unwell from cancer I would stick around and work on my end of things, so it's really no different for me that he has mlc or depression. Anyway, the gut says keep going so, for today, I will.
I am trying to follow your lead with all of your GAL activities. Got to increase mine.
Hey Veronica, thanks and same here.. the fact that he was bereaved and then so depressed all year (and still is), made it confusing for me. Its not like he left and was happy, which would have made it clearer. Plus, also, I had daily contact with him and saw him 2/3 times a week until August, so, that kept me dangling !! Of course, now, it seems he is sticking with ow and we arent in very much contact, so hey ho.
I've got a real sense of there being something I should know, or something needs to be said, to me, or maybe its me that needs to say something. It would be nice if he would say something..unlikely hey! I'm still wierded out that he sent me a thoughtful christmas present! Bit confusing and frustrating.
Anyway.. tonights GAL is Tang Soo Do! I hope I dont get kicked in the head too much
I'm majorly impressed by all of your highly active GAL activities. I really wish I had some time to do things like that for myself. Keep talking about it here so I can live vicariously through you.
Personally, I like to hear your 'ramblings' and debates you have with yourself. You pour your thoughts out here and it's so funny because what you seem to ask yourself over and over are the same things I have asked myself countless times but am too scared to voice even here. Bravo to you for your bravery in putting yourself 'all in'.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Congrats on all the activities! I hope some of them can become longterm interests. With regards to the WAH, I shared your tendancy to black-&-white thinking, expecting him to either care only/think only about the OW (with no affection left for me) or vice versa. Or, if he was in a being warm to me phase, I expected that meant he'd lose interest in the OW. When he decided he wanted to work on our marriage, I expected that meant he no longer had feelings for the OW, and would behave towards me as if we were beginning a relationship.
Of course, I was wrong on all counts. His depression meant he was acting from his emotions, not from a rational perspective, and as we know, emotions are constantly changing in their focus, intensity, etc. I only caused myself pain by assuming that things were more clear-cut than they were, and by trying to project his future behaviour from anything he did.
Whether your BF takes a whim to send you a Christmas present, or tells his friends you're the best girl he was ever with, or calls twice a day for a week--it's still just fleeting emotions ... until he's done enough work on himself to actually know what he wants and how to gain control of himself again.
You talked about having a "closure" conversation with him. I'd strongly advise against that--he wouldn't get out of it what you wanted him to, and you'd run the risk of feeling rejected/too vulnerable because you opened your heart to someone who can't really see your pain at this moment.
Do, however, have a closure ceremony for yourself. Write a long and explicit letter that you never send, or do a forgiveness program. (There are some excellent multi-step programs available on the internet, or you can work through one with your C.) It's a way of getting some control back into your life, of showing yourself that you are the most important person you know, and of affirming how you would like to be in a healthy, grown-up relationship.
You say you'd take him back if he wanted to, today. Would you really want to be with someone, again, who was still depressed and had not yet learned to be emotionally available? Despite what your dad says, he's NOT a great catch until he's grown past his current limitations.
Hey Cyrena. Thanks so much for your post, as always, I think you must be a bit of a gaurdian angel, making me see sense whenever I go round and around in circles. It came at the right time.. I just cried all the way home. I pulled a muscle and I remembered how my ex was so caring last time I did that, ran me a bath, rubbed my leg, made me a cup of tea. I miss him and wanted a hug.
Thanks Mish...I was thiking that I do lay myself open for stuff, as I am SO honest. Isnt that what the BB is here for? You could practice being honest? We are all just cyber friends hey, no need to hide stuff from us!
So, you are right Cyrena, thats what I am doing, being too rational and b&w, thinking, if he does X, does that mean Y, or will he keep doing X...but no. Feels like lots of time has gone by. It surprises me that he talked about me alot on the holiday and as my FF said, had a long convo about you, one night. Yet that was early December, which was over a year since he left. Its hard to hear about that stuff then.. nothing.
I will let go of the idea of a closure convo then. He probs wouldnt give me what I needed, no. As for taking him back.. thats assuming he HAD grown and come realise he had lost something precious and was emotionally available again..if he hadnt got to that point, he wont ever come back anyway?
So I had a good time! The instructor said to me its better than the gym, as you dont get time to think and you forget all your troubles, whereas in the gym your mind wanders. So true !! And...I met a nice guy! He was young, probs 10 years younger than me.. but I noticed him as he came in.. and when it came to choosing a newbie to spar with, out of me and 2 new lads.. he chose me, even though he was about 6''! So, thats interesting hey? He was nice looking, hairy chest.. I found myself wanting to just snuggle in to him!!
.. I made him laugh quite a bit and at one point he couldnt do the groin jab on me as I had him giggling so much...and I was goading him.. go on.. do your worst.. really smash my face in...
I wasnt sure I would go next week, it was fun, but alot of tedious instruction, but I might go cos of him!
