Focus on the positive, stop trying to fix the negative . . . This has become my focus for the past few months and I certainly feel better.
I am frequently surprised at how long piecing takes. I guess it's because I'm waiting on my H. And I do feel like I'm waiting on him.
I am weary. I can't fix anything. Our M was irretrievably broken. We have many positives now. But it's still difficult, and there is still something missing - the spark. It's gone.
What do you do when the spark is gone? What happens when you are in a relationship and the spark is not there? I've had this happen in dating relationships, but what happens when it is in your marriage?
I believe in my vows. I even believe in my husband. But I don't want to live like this. I want to have romance, and sparks, and heat, and passion, and children . . . and yet, I can't fathom being intimate with him. I can't imagine what that would be like – and it’s been years – almost FOUR years! And then I worry. I worry that we will never have *that* kind of marriage. That this is all there is - a deep friendship that at best will one day be solid and fully built on mutual respect. But I don't want *just* that.
As usual, I'm trying to "level" up and my H is just not there yet. Will I ever feel like I’m not just pulling him along on this ride? Will I ever feel like we are on the same page? Will I have children? Time is marching on - I turn 35 in '10. I'm worried. I'm scared. I don't want to wake up at 40, childless, in a really great friendship-marriage.
What is our next step? I have no idea how to get where I want to be. . .
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
If you want to stay in this marriage, and you want children, then you can adopt. During the interview process they will ask why you can't have children of your own, and you will need to explain that. But it can be done.
Wow! Been awhile. Nothing like a newbie to pull me out of the woodwork - new posters just tug away at my heart.
Passion-LESS. I keep banging this drum, I know. Things have gotten better. Not steamy, not even smoldery, more like we're thinking if we want a fire we better begin gathering kindling and logs, and so we are. Make sense? We have great cuddle sessions. Great hugging. Great fun together. And I see us getting closer. We talk about the LESS part of our R, which is great. And I don't get frustrated and walk away.
He keeps telling me that I need to share more of me with him. That I need to open up more and tell him how I feel about stuff. That's really difficult for me. But I'm working on it.
SOmetimes it's really hard for me to share stuff when I don't know what it is I feel. Or even what it is I think or want. Sometimes I feel like I am walking around in a fog. I keep trying to clear my head and truly focus on what it is I want/feel/think.
I think journaling more will help with that.
All in all tho, I truly don't have many complaints. H is good, we're good. I'm working on being more honest with me and with him - that will definitely help all the way around.
happy easter and passover all!
Last edited by ediemarie; 04/03/1002:23 AM.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
EM, I remember reading your posts quite some time ago. Has your hubby gotten a new job? Are you moving to New England? Did I read correctly, it's been four years since any sex? And you want to have children?
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Hi June - yeah, I post from time to time and read from time to time. I feel like this piecing thing just takes so long and sometimes I feel really discouraged. Lurking around here seems to help.
I feel like H and I are doing well, but yes, no sex, and yes we both want kids. We're gearing up for some heavy duty counseling - I'm sure. Lots of postives here though: we're talking about the sex issue - HUGE plus - and without fighting - another HUGE plus - and both owning our own issues. We both are hesitant. I'm grossed out and so is he. We've got to somehow get through this. We've also both been dealing with bouts of depression, so I'm sure that's contributing to it all as well.
H quit his job last year, but doesn't have a new one. And that's ok with both of us. He's spent the last year in counseling and handling a lot of his issues. He ended up in a pretty deep depression last year and was unable to work. He's starting to get bored around here, though, and that is a really good sign. We'll see what happens with his work.
We are not moving. At least not anytime soon. We're here for the long haul and both of us are comfortable with that decision.
ETA: I was able to journal a lot this past week and that helped me get some perspective on how I feel about our situation. I realized I have some anger that I need to work through and I have some trust issues. I was also able to share how I felt with H without him asking what was bothering me and that was a huge plus in terms of building intimacy with him. Just wanted to remind myself that journaling worked!
Last edited by ediemarie; 04/11/1002:38 AM.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
EM, I am sorry to be negative here... but... this man many countless times crossed boundaries, how many times have you set boundaries and not followed through, you gave up an opportunity to move away, counselors stated to you that you should leave. You are hoping for children but are with a man who: 1. Suffers serious "issues" and severe depression 2. Does not have a job, nor looking for one 3. Has not had sex with you for many YEARS!!!!! 4. Seems content with the status quo and is extremely slow to change, if at all
Do you think this man would be good, solid father material? Dependable, responsible, reliable? A good role model?
I guess I have to ask you. What are you not worth more? You had stated a while back that you thought he married down. Well, do you still feel this way? Your absolutely wrong you know. Why are you content to settle? Fear, guilt, inertia, lack of confidence, insecurity, poor self esteem?
What do YOU find desirable in this man? What trait or qualities? How long are you going to live with less than you deserve? How is he filling YOUR needs?
You have anger and trust issues with this man? Well, hell yeah!! He treated you so very, very wrong for such a long time and the worst of it. He is still treating you this way.
I know you may want to "mother" or "care-take" this man. It is not healthy. Are you co-dependant?
How can you be with a man that has not had sex with you for years and you would like to be sexually active and have children? How?
I don't want to be blunt here... but you are missing you window for getting pregnant. Once you hit 35 it gets harder and the chances of a risker pregnancy goes up. Why are you squandering your opportunity to have children, waiting on this man!!!!!
Where instead you could be moved on onto a HEALTHY relationship with a man who loves you and takes ACTIONS to make YOU HAPPY! Do you see the one sided dynamic here?
I am so sorry for the harsh post. I really am. I just see a woman who is living less that she should be and hoping for more and...IDK, what do you say when you see something so fundamentally wrong.
Even in the eyes of God and your church you are justified to end the marriage b/c 1. He has a very long affair 2. He has not had sex with you for many years
So what gives, can you please tell me why you are with him?
Am I missing something here?
Again, I am truly sorry to "stomp on your progress" I just have a totally different opinion of things
You are worth better woman, why don't you get this?
You feel discouraged b/c the situation has changed very little for you. You needs are still not being met and I am certain that several years from now. You could possibly be stuck in the same place. WAITING..... HOPING....FRUSTATED..... Realizing that life has quickly passed you by and you lived it not the way you have wanted. Your real life has been on hold waiting for your huband, well, to be a husband. It seems like you are living your life for him and not for you. Are you grasping for the dream of what could have been? Stuck in a loop?
You have given years of your life to a man who does not appreciate you (b/c if he knew how you felt, if he knew how many sacrifies you have made for him) he would never leave you in this spot. He would move heaven and earth to make things right by you.
He is not doing that. You deserve more, you deserve what other wives are getting, nothing less.
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
Wow, reread my post. I don't mean to come off so strong. I have a tendency to do that. Sorry.
I just feel very "strongly" (for lack of a better word) that you are not getting what you deserve out of life here....
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
my ol' battle buddy, hope counceling works out, perhaps there is a medical issue? it'd be like taking a cat to a tub, men hate drs. but is there a chance he can get himself checked? Anyways hon, all the best to you! I rarely come here anymore, i'm in FB with a few peeps from here, hugs and I'll say a prayer for you tonight))))
ps, if you have Aud's FB info i'm her friend there.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
