Forgive AND forget?

[WCW]

I feel like a messy mixture of emotions. Skip to the last line for explanation.

Forgive and forget. Can that ever really happen? forgive AND forget? I can and do forgive but it seems that to forget would be silly and make it easy to relapse.

I feel progress from H but I never feel any security, I keep asking myself is any of this real? Is H turning the bend? Is it my imagination?

This morning H had a handful of medical insurance cards and asked me if any of them were still good. The answer was no. I carry the insurance for us thru my work. I asked why, are you sick? He had made an appt for a physical for today. I gave him my card to take with him. To condense the story H asked if I would check on some things for him and I did. I like to do those sort of things for H and it's been quite a while since he's asked.

The good news -
H took this initiative, he hasn't had a physical in 4 or 5 years and told me in advance of his appt, even though it was just a few hours. We ended up talking about me and mammograms and I said I had been lax on that after I got an all clear from having to have 6 month checks and could go back to annual. He said 'at your age it's important to have them'. I did well, I didn't bristle at his age comment. lol. I know what he meant. Today I made an appt for myself.

I've been fielding more requests for H to do horse training again, he is agreeing.

We already agreed on and have an appt made to see the accountant in March to do taxes. This is a very BIG step for us!

The bad news - H's cc debt. Over the top..!! I am fretting and in a tizzy about it but trying to stay calm and figure out what plan to take.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

If you cannot forgive, then...what's the point of trying to be married again? Waste of time, this time it's your fault.

If you cannot forget...as in NOT using it against them in a fight over why are the dishes done...then it is just as pointless.

Don't forget, but don't live in the past either. You have no future.

Switch roles, why would you want to be with someone who brings up, even occasionally one of your terrible mistakes?

[Phoenix_spark]

Just had to say hi and post something on a new thread. Kind of like clean sneakers or a white wall. I love seeing positives on your thread, go with it, work with it. Was thinking of you the other day as I went by a large horse farm.

[cat03]

there is no such thing, you can never forget, but you can remember without condemning, without anger, reminding yourself "yes, this was painful but it is in the past".

Wil rehashing past hurts add to your life, will it be helpful to your R? if the answer is no then press the fast-forward button. In time your mind will pass right over those thoughts when they come up.

What does he see in your eyes, doubt or love? which are you going to feed today?

[WCW]

I think for me to give forgiveness it comes in stages. I didn't just decide one day I could get over it and forgive. To get all the way there has to be something more from H to meet me on the bubble. I am probably thinking too far into the future again. I need to work in the present.

Don't forget the past but don't stay there either. Use the past to move forward.

There are some triggers that can still send me into orbit and once my lips start moving I can't zip it. It isn't often but it happens yet. I wouldn't want to live with someone that kept verbally slapping me in the face. Yet at some point shouldn't the offender understand that the offended will have backslides of outbursts?

cat, I just made that comment earlier tonight that I wish I had a fast forward button! I get tired of thinking of how many more stinkin' baby steps are needed.....

What does he see, doubt or love? Ironic you ask that because I've been wondering that. When H walks in the house and we make eye contact what message am I sending? 'hey jerk, you're home late again and you make me feel like a dog pile because you won't call' or does he sense 'hi, I'm glad you made it home safe tonight and thanks for being here'. Probably more of the first than the last.

Phoenix, what's your update?

[NNP1965]

Found you! You can run... but you can't hide...

I am in no place to offer any advice, just know that I am here reading and cheering you on. I hope that wall your H has built up will begin to cruble soon. For both your sakes.

[brandnewday]

WCW,

Forgiveness does come in stages, begining with choosing to forgive.

Every day it gets a little bit easier, but it is definately a process and something you have to choose to do daily.

Eventually the "triggers" won't set you off as much, the the things that would cause you to "spin" will just give you a little twinge.

Hang in there, and take each day as it comes with no expectations but with hope.

Embrace every single positive interaction, and give him happy thoughts and memories to dwell on.

SMILE alot, just force yourself!!

((((hugs))))

[MidwesternGirl]

BND is right.

It took me a long time to even begin to forgive--over a year and a half!!

[WCW]

I think it took me a year and a half to even think about forgiving and then longer to begin to put it in practice. I am getting there but there is always a but or a what if. Although H hasn't verbalized it in quite some time he says he has done nothing wrong and nothing to be guilty about. That gets me, I wonder if he will ever fess up to anything in the past or the current debt. Some of what he should be guilty about is in black and white and I don't get how he can maintain innocence. So then if he is innocent no forgiveness is needed. Just babbling in circles.

Maybe I have the cart before the horse, and I certainly know better than that! That's a wreck for sure.
Stay in the present, not the future and not the past.

Did anyone else notice they reduced the amount of characters in the signature line?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

says he has done nothing wrong and nothing to be guilty about.

I am interested in this only because, I am wondering how the conversation got to that point. Most people out of the blue won't say stuff like this...so I am wondering who brought the word "guilt" or "blame" into it?