Women can observe, but I would prefer you make no comments on this thread about the subject. Feel free follow along though, but please don't post your thoughts on this issue on this thread. I am only interested in what the men think on this issue.
Men, This has been an interest of mine for awhile. It is an unspoken white elephant in the room on this site.
The issue I am talking about here is going out with, or seeing, or going to lunch with, or emailing, or dating other women when you have a WAW.
I think that many of the men on here have considered either dating or wondering if their WS would be jealous if you would start being seen with "a female friend".
Here is the Gooch's belief.....
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I believe that seeing (dating?) other people while the WS is having an affair is an effective tool to win them back in many cases. I have seen it work quite well a number of times.
I would like to hear feedback from the men on this issue....
Also, how many of you scope out the "dating" sites and yet don't admit it on here for one reason or another...... and why are you looking?....
NO WOMEN PLEASE. You can read along and observe, but I am ONLY interested in what the men say about this topic.
I've scoped. I hemmed and hawed. I've told myself $crew her, I'm getting a girlfriend but not had the guts to ultimately pull the trigger.
Does it really win them back? Or does it just bring them back long enough for you to believe things are getting better and then you forget about seeing someone else? I know my wife wants to see other guys and even had the nerve to tell me what is good for the goose is not good for the gander.
Last edited by DownNotOut...yet; 01/28/0909:09 PM.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I have mixed feelings. I do think that women probably see more response when they push the jealousy button than when men do it. Have I done it? Yes. Did it make my wife jealous? Yep. She cried. She was upset. And she said it was a sign of how much she must mean to me that I'd look (in other words, she must not have been that important to me or I wouldn't even look around). I know what her words were, but you know they could easily have been said for effect. If this weren't a "men only" thread, I'd ask her to post what she thought of it now that we are back together.
I personally think that looking, even flirting, is kind of an ego boost when your self-esteem is shot. I think it helps with detachment if you realize that there are other fish in the sea, even if you would prefer your wife.
Me
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I believe that are at least two women on this site that were WAW that are trying to win their ex BS's back. The men now have another woman. I read from one of them that said THAT was the thing that woke her up.
My observations over the years has shown me it can be an effective tool. I am only talking by observing what the "reality" shows. It seems to me that women are very competitive about a man when he seems to have an interest in someone else and not her.
I also have a suspicion that many men who are on this site are secretly checking out the "dating sites"
It seems to me that the men who have the most success are the men who move on the fastest and refuse to chase a woman that says or shows she doesn't want him. When he shows by his actions that he gets the message and leaves her alone, she then isn't so sure she made the right decision. My observations in watching the reality, is that he convinces her more quickly that he has let go by seeing other women. I don't mean instantly clinging to one woman. I mean going for coffee. Going to a movie. Being seen around town out with one.
I don't want this thread to turn into all or nothing. I am only talking meeting and mingling around with women. Or even as Puppy has suggested, the "idea" of her thinking you may have something going on....
personally think that looking, even flirting, is kind of an ego boost when your self-esteem is shot. I think it helps with detachment if you realize that there are other fish in the sea, even if you would prefer your wife.
Very good point. I agree with that too. I think it helps with detachment. Sometimes there really is nothing wrong with us that having a new relationship doesn't solve. I know we all want to say that we need to be fine without a woman, but we can also be just fine with a woman. We never seem to mention that.
I mean.. I can get along just fine without my remote. However,if my remote wasn't working and I couldn't fix it, then I would go find another one. I wouldn't sit around for months and months pining after my old one. I may be upset, but I wouldn't say to myself.. Gee.. Maybe I need to be alone without my remote for awhile so that I can show myself that I am just fine without one...
I am not trying to downplay how hard it is to uncouple. I am only wondering why we keep trying so darned hard to win back a woman who is doing everything she can to tell us she doesn't want us, and yet we still don't get the message and cling to hope. And yet, my reality keeps showing me they don't come back until you seemed to have moved on and she is in doubt about YOUR feelings for her. What's up with that?
I agree with those observations. I'd also like to add that it is my opinion that women see better success when they kick their husbands to the curb in no uncertain terms. Maybe it's just anecdotal, but I've seen time and again the cheating husband that is immediately booted that starts chasing like crazy. I think the same goes for men (although it is just an impression I get that it's less effective). But men can't do it....someone else having their wife is just too much, they HAVE to have their wife back...even if up until the point the affair was discovered they couldn't stand their wife.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
"I HAVE done some things to personally leave an impression, if you kwim "
hi there Pup - does this mean that you have given the impression of dating, but without actually dating? i mean - would your other half have "believed" that you were dating even though you were not?
Best - gfI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
even if up until the point the affair was discovered they couldn't stand their wife
Hilarious. It is true though.
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I'd also like to add that it is my opinion that women see better success when they kick their husbands to the curb in no uncertain terms.
Without a doubt, this is my observation too. She suddenly is getting offers from him for backrubs, foot massages, he will now do ALL the laundry, watch the kids for her (while she is out with the OM) validate, look directly into her eyes, offer to bring her mail over across town at midnight...
Complete and total 180.. He then wants to talk about "us", after not wanting to talk about "us" for upwards of twenty years. He reads Men are From Mars, DBusting, Dobson, and anything else he can get his hands on....
All starting when she says she is done. (and usually has another man) She put up with it all those years. Then when she finds another... Boom..
Well...in my case - I'll see i guess...i have a date on Friday night...and actually am really looking forward to it for what it is - without any intentions of using it for any purpose other than for myself and for her - ie to have a great time out with a great woman.
My W is now with an OM who seems to be a pretty permanent fixture and nothing seems to be shifting on that front and I'm done with "babysitting" hopes and feeling sh!t about it.
I suppose i have reached the point of acceptance - and i have or am getting close to being fed up of being lonely, of slogging my guts out; just to get a few crumbs of friendship, although i do value my W's friendship and she would always be my No1 choice. If there ever was a possibility of her reconsidering me as a R partner i would walk over hot coals for her...but all the evidence that I see and hear is the opposite.
I've felt guilty and that i owe it to my W for a full 2 years now - have known that she has been gone for something like 4 years in total.
I have bumbled forwards for what seems like an age and managed to recover a friendship with her - but with the arrival of OM no2 in the middle of 2008 think that the chances of a reconciliation are slim...to nil...
I will continue to have a friendship with my W no doubt - as its in the best interests of our S7 but now I have to exercise my romantic and sexual muscles again...I have resisted for a long time but am getting ready.
I'm doing nothing to make her aware of it.. its not about that...and likely it will not turn into anything - but it might I suppose.
But if there's anything in the proposition of this thread i may have something, at some stage to report back...
The reason I was interested in Puppy's position was that it seems to me that there is not an awful lot, at some level, to choose between not dating, and giving the impression that one is. The "impression" is created in the WAW's mind that one is dating or seeing someone else.
Now if someone actively gives that impression, but is not actually doing it, dating or actively flirting, but citing vows and religious beliefs (and guys I am not making any judgements at all about anyone's religious beliefs here) as a justification...then I find it difficult to understand how the whole thing is squared up..Puppy - it may not be like that at all - which is why I asked!!! So sorry in advance - possibly!!!
I apologise to you all for my use of "one" - that's just UK English teaching for you!
Best to all on this thread - i think it has the makings of a really useful discussion...
KBO - GFI
Me: 40ish W: 40ish Together: 20 ish years Married: 10ish Years
