My thought is: if you do date does it make you want your W more or less? If more, then you shouldn't date because you will just miss her more. If less, then maybe its saying something about the strength of your marriage. I assume my WAW is dating/intimate but its out of my control and not my concern. I have to continue to work on improving me and my addressing my issues so I can be healthy for either W or another woman in the future.
When my W came back the second time, it was right after she found out about a date I had. She even txt me during the date to tell me it bothered her more than she thought.
I'm talking to women on Match and I just started talking to one lady that would be perfect for getting my W jealous. She's separated also so chances of a long term R is remote but for the time being I'm sure we can support each other. I don't plan on getting physical with anyone until the D is finally but I don't see the harm in casual dating. My problem is my W does not snoop and we are in NC mode so leaking what I'm doing will take effort. I have a plan for that though.
The W don't really believe they will lose you until you start seeing someone else, even if they can't stand you. Women are competitive by nature and this does work. The problem is I don't really want to date and when I think of replacing my W with other woman it kind of sickens me then I think that's what the W did to me. That gets me all kinds of angry and I wonder how my W can sleep at night doing that. That gives me motivation to go through with the dating thing and either her find out through word of mouth or maybe even rub it in her face lol.
Bottom line, yes this works and if you can pull it off do it. If you have to fake it then fake it. Don't let your W think you are waiting around for them. Remember, we all want what we can't have and that goes for them to.
Me:38 W:40 Bomb/EA 03/08 Recon twice 1/09 W files for D Story
She even txt me during the date to tell me it bothered her more than she thought.
This is the thing that I have heard happens often. The two former WAW spouses on this board that are trying to get their men back both got a huge wakeup call when they found out. Now THEY are the ones seeing how it feels....
I don't plan on getting physical with anyone until the D is finally but I don't see the harm in casual dating.
You got it. THAT is what I have been saying. It can only help you. It levels the field so to speak. Your WAW may finally understand how it FEELS. You get an ego boost. She feels you letting go and starts to wonder for the first time in a long time if she is making a huge mistake. Especially after she has seen you try so hard to make these changes that another woman may now benefit from...
I still see it on this site and around my personal life that women are very competitive in this area..
I guess if it has a possiblilty as being a tool that can work (and I have seen it work often) then I think a man is silly and not seeing clearly to not at least use it....
A tool is a tool.. The right tool for the right job..
This thread is something I've been wondering about for some time. I have no desire to go out and date at the moment but I would think about it if I thought it may help with my sitch. I'm heading out with some friends this weekend for a few drinks to take my mind off things. A couple of these friends are women. I have absolutely no intention of making a pass at either of these women as they're just close friends. I live in a very small community though and have no doubt that some of my W's friends will see me out. I intend to enjoy my night as much as I can anyway, but if it was reported back to my W that I seemed to be having an amazing time in the company of women, it intrigues me to think this may make a difference. I'll definitely have to post back afterwards to let everyone know how it turns out. Also, we're planning on starting the night at my house. My W's grandmother lives next door to me so it may be interesting to see if she passes on that she saw a couple of women coming to my house.
What an excellent thread. Well done Gucci.
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Bottom line, yes this works and if you can pull it off do it. If you have to fake it then fake it. Don't let your W think you are waiting around for them. Remember, we all want what we can't have and that goes for them to.
I know. That is why I believe it works. And we get bored and tired of the things we already have. It is like the kid who has a friend over to play. The kid hasn't picked up the G.I. Joe in 3 years. The friend comes over to play, sees the G.I. Joe, starts playing with it.. Guess what happens?
Suddenly the kid wants the G.I.Joe... They are then fighting over it....
Fast forward twenty years.. G.I Joe.... is now YOU...
You wife is the kid who hasn't played with it for 3 years...
The friend is YOUR new friend that you are spending time with....
Those old childish things we did back then are still somewhat within us... We may have matured some (at times I wonder if I have matured at all) but we still have those same tendencies deep inside....
Here's a little story that at the time I didn't think much of it but now, lol.
I was dating/living with a girl for about 4 years then she left me (pretty much for the same reasons my W left, I didn't learn my lesson then). Anyway 3 months later I meant my W and about 4 months after that I hear from my ex-GF. She had been dating this married (but separated) man for a couple of weeks and it was wonderful....until he decided to give his marriage another try. She was devastated and I was like "that's what you get for dating a married man". Anyway she wanted to go out with me again and even though I was really tempted I decided to stay with my current gf (W after 2 years). I found out 5 months later my ex-gf got married but not to the married guy.
Anyway, who wants to wager that the married guy's wife found out about him seeing my ex and wanted him back?
Me:38 W:40 Bomb/EA 03/08 Recon twice 1/09 W files for D Story
OK..this is not exactly dating, or seeing someone, but I just wanted to relay a story that I thought was sort of amusing.
Last summer, about 4 or 5 months after the bomb, I made plans for a 3 day camping trip, asked my wife along, but ended up going by myself.
The site I ended up with was across from a group of young college girls that ended up befriending me for the weekend. We hung out, drank beers and cooked back and forth at each other's sites over the day or 2 that they were there.
Also, one night during the weekend I ended up in a little town up the road at a tavern, hanging out with the locals, and ran into the girl that checked me in at the campsite, along with one of her friends....spent a few hours with them, drinking beers and playing pool.
At no time over the weekend was I unfaithful to my wife. Also, to the best of my knowledge, infidelity has never been an issue in our marriage, before or after the bomb. We have had several conversations about this, and have what I have always called, humorously, a "gentleman's agreement and handshake" that while we are together...no matter what the future..there would be no indiscretions on either of our parts.
So long story short...when I got home from camping and my wife asked about the trip, I was honest and open about the whole weekend..the girls at the site, the bar, etc. I figured at that point, with her still reminding me every few weeks that we were going to separate, what reason did I have to hide it. Besides, I did nothing wrong.
She didn't say much, other than "Well..glad you had fun", but was much more reserved and quiet for 2 or 3 days after that.
One night while we were sitting and having dinner she looked at me and said "H, you remember our agreement, right", and I played a little dumb...what agreement?
"You know...no other people, no emotional attachments, no cheating while we are in the middle of all this?".
...and she proceeded to tell me how much it would hurt HER if she found out I had cheated on her, then even went so far as to ask about past possibilities of me cheating with other women during our marriage...basically asking for reassurance, once again, that I never had and would not cheat on her...physically or emotionally were her exact words.
I have to say it. It's about rose colored glasses. This may come as a shock, but your wife isn't "all that and a bag of chips" and your marriage likely wasn't picture perfect prior to the bomb. If you were really honest with yourself, your wife is probably a fairly piss poor match at the moment. She's pretty self-centered and maybe has more than a few screws loose. Why shouldn't you do a little comparative looking around. I think it helps to see that. We need a little kick so we think, "why am I pining away for this woman. She's the one cheating and running around like a teenager. Why shouldn't she be chasing me?"
P.S. When I said "your wife", I wasn't talking about anyone in particulars wife.
Last edited by Phoenixdeux; 01/29/0904:46 PM.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
This thread is something I've been wondering about for some time.
ME TOO...
and my conclusion from my reality is...
IT works very well if done correctly... (notice I didn't say always)
I mean... Do any of you notice that the women who are betrayed get madder at the OW than they do at their husbands? They call them skank, slut, and yada yada yada, and here their husbands are out doing and acting the same way as the OW... AND they are more than willing to forgive and forget and will even go so far as to suddenly become a HD wife when they were LD for years...
Yet they HATE the OW and will fight for her husband. They actually get MADDER at the OW than the husband. The husband now has TWO women fighting over him. And they think he is depressed? He is loving it. He now has his wifes attention. The OW is doing everything to win him to her. The two women are FIGHTING over him. I think jealousy has a huge impact.
Note: the guys do this too when their wife is having an affair... However we aren't talking about that... We are talking about womena and jealousy and why it is not used as a tool more often because it does seem to have merit that it has been used successfully...
