I know. That is why I believe it works. And we get bored and tired of the things we already have. It is like the kid who has a friend over to play. The kid hasn't picked up the G.I. Joe in 3 years. The friend comes over to play, sees the G.I. Joe, starts playing with it.. Guess what happens?
Suddenly the kid wants the G.I.Joe... They are then fighting over it....
Fast forward twenty years.. G.I Joe.... is now YOU...
You wife is the kid who hasn't played with it for 3 years...
The friend is YOUR new friend that you are spending time with....
Those old childish things we did back then are still somewhat within us... We may have matured some (at times I wonder if I have matured at all) but we still have those same tendencies deep inside....
My SBXW has thrown away her m & kids to plan a life with the OM. Has been away on 2 "vacations" to Alaska to rendezvous with Mr Wonderful. 3rd trip is planned Feb 6-22. For 1st 4-5 months I DB, tried to show her how much I had changed, etc - all the stuff that just wasn't going to work since she was emotionally invested in OM. New year hit & I finally accepted she wasn't coming back & decided to move on & be happy. Not interested in dating but not going to become a monk either if opportunity arises!
All along I have had a great confidant of the opposite sex I talk to daily about the sitch who lives in Sacramento - 8 hrs away from me. Had to go to a weekend meeting there back in Sept & brought my kids with me. She met my kids, we all did a few things together, all had a good time - nothing romantic. My son has brought her name up to my SBXW a few times so SBXW knows of her existence.
I also have gotten reconnected with a high school classmate from FL who has taken an interest in me. She is planning on coming out to visit me Feb 16-19. Had to inform SBXW that I needed MIL to take kids overnight those days since I have company coming from out of town to stay & did not want to expose kids to any new people. No details other than that.
Now mind you OM has been helping pay SBXW's bills, bought her a boob job, pays for plane tix to AK. She has every intention of moving to be with OM in Sept 09. She should be happy & content she is getting everything she wants. You would figure what I do would not matter to her.
Through a mutual friend, she disclosed that she is bothered with fact I am having company - speculating it is friend from Sac. She has made a couple comments to me about it - saying that she assumes my visitor is a woman, etc. I just smile & nod my head. Personally I am relieved that she will be out of town to avoid any problems. Have a feeling it will be on her mind during her next vacation.
Just wanted to use my sitch as an example that jealousy still rears it head to a WAW such as mine. Nothing wrong with having your ego stroked & self-esteem replenished.
If you don't want to date then take a trip to your local gentlemen's club - sure ladies there are after your money but they sure know how to make you feel better about yourself!
Me/W 39/37 T/M 9/6 S 4, D 2 Bomb 7/17/08 OM confirmed 7/23/08 D Filed 7/25/08 D served 9/17/08
This is a good topic. EDITED - ADVERTISING is NOT ALLOWED. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here. WAS never really take that into account and I think in the back of their mind they see us as safety nets (that they hope to never use) to fall back on if they get in over their head. We have to take that away from them.
It of course helps us to detach in case they don't come back so it's win-win. My biggest issue is motivation since I don't feel like dating but I know I need to. There is some guilt as it makes me think about how my W met her OM but I'm pushing through that so I can make her experience what I went through.
That reminds me of another story. This guy was dating a serial cheater (she cheated like 7 times, just PAs). One time she went out of town and cheated on him BUT at the same time HE ended up hooking up with some chick he met at Sonic. Well she found out and it tore her apart (even though she did the same thing) and after that she stopped all her cheating. She had no idea the effect it had on the other person until she went through it herself. I think the WAS are in the same boat, they have no idea what we are going through. It's time they learned.
Last edited by Tia; 01/30/0905:26 AM.
Me:38 W:40 Bomb/EA 03/08 Recon twice 1/09 W files for D Story
This inspired me to get the ball rolling on my end. I have only exchange some txt/emails with this one woman I like but I decided to send my brother an email just talking her up like I met my soul mate or something.
See, my brother's wife works for the OM and is great friends with my W's best friend. This is the grapevine I use to help get my wife back the first time (but not since now that my Bro/SIL do not like the W anymore). My bro will tell his wife who can't keep a secret which will tell the friend (that wants the W to stay with the OM because he has money). The friend would want to tell the W thinking it's giving her a reason to get away from me which should instead back-fire (as they always do, her friend is a moron) and upset the W. I'm debating on telling the IC about it since the W and I share the same one but that might be going overboard. I may hint but be vague about it. Wow, I'm really over-thinking this...
For once in the past few weeks I feel like I have a chance at accomplishing something instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Now if I can keep from scaring off this OW lol.
Me:38 W:40 Bomb/EA 03/08 Recon twice 1/09 W files for D Story
Interesting topic here. The one thing I will add is the impact a few dates have on your detachment. For me personally, this was huge. Made me see that there is life after all this stuff. My W beat down my self esteem by what she said to my kids about me - never to my face. A few dates fixed that for me.
In fact - Phoenix gave me the "rose colored glasses" speech at least twice LOL (and word-for-word I might add!). It is true. But to play devil's advocate - here is what I faced after a few dates: tremendous guilt. Not towards my W. Towards my kids. A great friend here (in fact a couple of them) asked me how I would feel right now if my kids saw me on a date. That hurt. Because I wouldn't like it. So there is a lot to consider. And you have to be careful about clouding your judgment. You have to decide personally what these dates are for. And we haven't even mentioned the person you would be dating. Are you completely honest with her about your sitch?? How fair is it to them if the only thing you want from them is to make your WAW jealous. Kind of a lousy place to be. The interesting thing I found was that the two women I went out with kept bringing up my sitch. I was 1000% honest about it but figured they wouldn't want to hear my problems. The opposite was true. They kept asking.
Don't get me wrong- it definitely helped me. I have no clue if my W knows about them.
I don't doubt the use of this "tool". But if you have children there are more feelings to consider than just you and your W. Tough call - you walk a fine line in terms of strength and honor. And I'm not judging anyone here in the least. I think everyone here that I know has put up with some unbelievable BS in this process and would be perfectly justified in dating. Heck my W's family and my family therapist told me to start dating. But you also have to be very careful.
Great topic Gooch!
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I have suffered greatly thinking about the life lessons W is teaching my kids. She is dating a married man, so what lessons are his kids learning as well?
The likelihood of the relationship lasting is slim to none, so THEN what does it teach them?
I have some very available, very attractive women that would go out with me in a HEARTBEAT - but I will toe the line for my kids.
First off, in my sitch, there is no OM, just a checked-out WAW that is distant, but cool, and biding time for the finances to get in order for the D. In my mind, I am doing less in DBing these days, less for her reaction. More for me, me, and me.
I won't give up till the papers are signed and would not consider dating or scoping online. Having said that, I do look more - around me. Look for wedding rings on women at church, the grocery store, the gym. Wonder who I will be with if my W decides to leave.
I lost 30 post bomb lbs., work out a lot - got into the best shape of my life - at 49! Get out more. Bought new clothes (had to for sizing), wear cologne more and smile more at the opposite sex. Found more women smiling back and even saying hi before I do. It's all I need for now as my W has no interest in me. She can do whatever she wants - I will be ok. And I don't want to go down the path of who will do better - I want the best for her and the best for ME.
