The Jealousy Button (men only)

[RobD70]

I think of dating as a LRT. Believe me, I'm not interested in other women right now but I will one day and my W needs to know this is the path she has chosen. I want my W back but there's little to nothing now I can do but wait her out. I've made major changes but having the OM is clouding her judgment. This has a chance of speeding things up a bit and giving me something to do to boot.

I'm treating my sitch as a platonic thing for now but the W doesn't need to know that. I do plan to be honest but that doesn't mean I have to show all my cards either. I'm just going to avoid R talk and have a good time.

[gucci loafer]

And we haven't even mentioned the person you would be dating. Are you completely honest with her about your sitch?? How fair is it to them if the only thing you want from them is to make your WAW jealous.

Good question. This one is a tightrope.

Kind of a lousy place to be. The interesting thing I found was that the two women I went out with kept bringing up my sitch. I was 1000% honest about it but figured they wouldn't want to hear my problems. The opposite was true. They kept asking.

Yea, what is up with that? I have found the same thing. My wife still to this day is curious about my ex's.

I think part of it is because women just love talking about relationships. Did you ever hear a couple of women when they get together? It is a huge part of who they are. When they are interested in us, they want to know all about us and what makes us tick and what kind of women we are attracted to and such.

[gucci loafer]

I told this before,but it bears repeating on this thread...

I have a good friend of mine that had been dating this woman for YEARS. I believe around 5 years or more. She kept seeing this old boyfriend of hers too. The old boyfriend would come over and mow her lawn and do things around her house. She kept telling my buddy that they were only "friends". He would talk to me about it and I kept telling him to give her the silent dump and start being seen around town with other women.....


He would listen, but I knew he didn't believe it and thought if he could just be the better man that she would suddenly fall deeply for him and tell the other guy to get lost.


This went on and on and on. Then I woke up and realized that he was as responsible for allowing her to do this as she was to keep doing it. It was no longer all her fault. I was thinking that nobody was making him stay and be unhappy and if he kept allowing it, then he was just as much to blame.

Then I stopped trying to help him see the light.

I finally realized that he is going to do what he is going to do and that I was wasting my time and breath. I stopped giving him any advice. When we talked to each other we kept it to sports and other things...

And then one day out of the blue he tells me.. "I am done"

FINALLY.. He finally has enough. He stops calling this woman. He starts seeing someone else.

His ex finds out. Starts calling my wife (they are good friends)
Asks my wife to ask me what she can do because she realized she loves him. She drops her other friend. Writes my buddy a huge long letter of how sorry she is and for how rotten she treated him.

He doesn't even respond. She is devastated to this day. She STILL wants him back. He is now seeing both of them. It is driving this woman crazy because he goes out with her and doesn't make any moves or say he wants to get back with her.

He will call her up once or twice a week. He asks her to do things with him sporadically. After every date she calls my wife and tells her the whole date and then asks for the old Gooch's opinion on what she should do.

Total 180 and total turn around. It didn't happen until he had someone else. I thought..... "There it is again, a guy finally gives up and starts dating and boom"...

[silvagod]

I am in a position of having my W say to me, several times, "when will you realise that we are no longer a married couple, there is no more us". Also she refused to 'not' have any other R before we have gone through the D.

So, I guess I have been given carte blanche to get out and about.

However, I was telling W the other week what my IC had told me to do, which was leave W alone and chat other women up via the internet. W said "she is right, well, not about chatting the women up, but you should move on".

Interesting comment from her.

I can fully agree with the self esteem boost. I have been made to feel REAL crap. (not found you attractive for years, you are a -2 on the scale and sex wasn't what I wanted) This is all without a continuing OM.

My eldest S (23) tells me to get out there and do it. Leave W to it, it's her mess. Younger S (21) is closer to W but I have told him of all the attention I am getting. He doesn't discuss things with W though, so I don't knpw if she has heard that.

When, not if, but when I date again, it will not be to make W jealous, it will be for me, to boost my ego and to make me feel liked and wanted again, for the 1st time in years if I am honest.

[RobD70]

I want more post in this lol.

Here's a quote from Homer's book I mentioned earlier about dating:

"These methods work, and they work because of the low self-esteem of the wife. She values what she can’t have, and does not value or looks down on what she can have."

I think my W falls into that category.

One other thing I noticed it that it take about 2 weeks for the WAS to act out over this. I'm sure the effect is immediate but I think they probably try to avoid thinking about it at first or think it's not going to be a big deal. The 2 week mark must be where the breaking point is and they get scared.

When I went on my date it REALLY bothered the W even though she had completely written me off. She didn't want to hear about the date and was worried I would like the date more than her.

This is a great time to test this because V-day is in 2 weeks. I know if the W found out I'm dating it will kill her to know I spent V-day with a OW (even though I know she'll be with the OM but it might put a damper on her fun).

Now if I can just keep my head straight and not think about her I might be ok.

[Bworl]

I love that this thread refers to dating a woman as a "tool."

How lovely it must be to eventually find out that a man took me out for a relaxing, social evening, hoping to get his wife jealous enough that she would begin looking back in his direction.

If you have kids, and your wife has involved herself with another man, I bet you could get pretty steamed about the prospect of your kids being with the two of them together. I'll bet you could get steamed just thinking about your kids KNOWING about the two of them.

So we should go out and do the same thing?

Well, whatever floats your boat. These are just questions that run through MY head. Doesn't mean they are in any way right, just that they are mine.

To me, the two major problems associated with the idea of dating are the following:

1. If our marriage went in the crapper, we are insanely delusional if we don't think WE had something to do with it. One of the major premises of DB'ing is to focus our efforts on ourselves. Take a good long, honest look at ourselves and see if there aren't some significant things that need fixed/changed.

It's also one of the hardest things to get new people here to do. Everyone points the finger at the spouse who walked away and makes that spouse the one and only bad guy. We instantly dismiss any of their complaints because they have committed the cardinal sin of breaking their marital vows by wanting to leave the marriage.

The truth is that broken marriages are almost always a TWO-PARTY issue. Almost always. One of the best things we can do for ourselves and our future relationships, no matter who they are with, is to truly take the time to self-assess and better ourselves. Too many people are satisfied with losing the "Crisis 25-30-40" pounds and call that improving themselves.

2. This art of deception through dating impacts not only us. It impacts our friends, our family, our kids if we have them, and it certainly impacts the one we date with. It also puts us in the same boat as our spouse. What's good for the goose is NOT good for the gander.

Now both of you have other person issues to work through should a reconciliation occur. That makes the piecing process even more challenging.


Is there a time and place for dating? I'm sure that there is. None of us should be doomed to life alone if we would prefer the company of another. But there is a TIME for it. And I don't think rushing in to this kind of approach is anywhere in the top 10 list of things you should first be doing when your spouse decides they want to leave.


Just my opinion.


Blessings,

Bill

[JDOllie]

Bworl,

You hit something for me - I've stayed out of this mostly because I wasn't sure, but for those of us with kids, you are exactly right.

I tell my kids divorce is wrong. I tell them adultery/affairs are wrong, and I explain to them why. I tell them that I love Mommy very much, and I am committed to her, and I would never be with anyone else.

I am their rock. I am their stability, their consistency. I have kept them in their home, W moved out. I have kept them in their church, their school, their normal habits.

W has spent most of her time with OM, and the kids are very conflicted and confused about it.

If I pick up OW - they will lose their rock and their example of how to treat a spouse, and how to love your spouse. They see me respond to her anger with kindness, and they see me spend time ONLY with them.

Dating would just blow them away... They can't discern what a "friend" date is - that's what Mommy told them OM was at first, then she lied about it.

[RobD70]

Yea, if you don't make the changes then if this gets them back they wont stay. This is kind of a last resort thing when all else fails and you need to show you've moved on.

In my case there are no kids involved so it's a no brainer. I am a completely different person than I was since the bomb dropped and my W knows it and thinks I'm the perfect husband now. However she is having a hard time feeling connected to me because I'm too "safe" and it's not exciting and women crave excitement. I'm also competing against an OM who had gotten an OW when she can back to me the first time. Seemed to work for him.

Me dating is to add excitement and show her I am desirable to other women to spark interest in me again. It sucks no doubt and looks looks bad but sometimes you have to shake things up to get their attention. It's technically a rebound R anyway and chances are it wont work long term. I plan on being careful and aiming for friends instead of a full blown R but the W doesn't need to know this. If it doesn't bring her back then I got a new lady friend. If she does try to get me back she'll need to make an effort in order for me to give up the new friend assuming I want to. The thing is, the WAS left and the odds are against us for them coming back. There's not really anything to lose.

If kids are involved then I can see problems but you could still fake it (act suspicious) and still go out, just don't bring anyone around the kids.

[Coach]

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Replace "wife" with "husband" and "she" with "he," then that's the mentality you are adopting. If you are married and want to date then push for the D. But why would you want to play a "game" that has real consequences for lot's of people because of your vendetta?
You can have a great M either with your current W or in the future with someone else. Be strong ,wise, honorable and compassionate. Lead by your example, if she doesn't see your character shining thru then it then it's her issue. Have character - don't be one.
The way you all are describing dating it sounds like "little boy" behavior. She hurt me so I am going to pout and then hurt her back. Are we that needy that we have to jump out and find another woman to validate our manhood? This in no way excuses or dismisses the hurt by the way you are being treated by your W. You only control your actions. So do you want to follow her lead or be your own man?

Strength and Honor

[RobD70]

I want to add that yes, there is the issue about using another person to make a WAS jealous. That is a potential problem so I am brainstorming way to pull this off.

So far I'm plan on just talking the OW up to get the rumor mill going but playing it cool with the reality. I will do maybe a lunch date or go for drinks once or twice and call/txt/email but most likely draw the line there. The OW I'm working on is on a dating site anyway so I'm sure she'll have plenty of other guys to talk to if I need to pull back. I doubt she'll be too into me anyway since I'm not going all gung-ho. It should be relativity safe for now.