The Jealousy Button (men only)

[Phoenixdeux]

Phoenix I have been thinking about this alot lately. Even though my W was unhappy in our marriage I was unhappy too. I just tolerated it more than she did.

I often wonder what I'm holding onto and why: My W? The R we could have and not the one we did have? Keeping my family together? Atonening for my mistakes? Avoiding the pain I see ahead/financial struggles/time away from my kids/the house we bought together?

At this point I really can't answer that question. There's a mix in there somewhere but as far as my R - it wasn't good for a long time, and it was really chity for that past year. What the heck am I pining for?

Steady, I think it's good to think about this stuff. It doesn't in any way preclude busting the divorce. Like you, your wife has problems and contributed (and continues to contribute) to the demise of the marriage. Nothing wrong with recognizing that. In fact, I see a lot of newcomers that appear here and say, "I killed the marriage". They heard every piece of trash that came out of their spouse's mouth and are convinced that they tore their spouse down to little tiny pieces and they are about the worst people ever.

[Coach]

Be happy with who you are, and if that isn't what your spouse wants, then why do you want them?

Be authentic, be your true self, be your best for yourself then share it.

[RobD70]

Yea that's why for me this is a last resort. I've known this forever but it wasn't an avenue I cared to go down until recently and only because I feel my M is close to an end. When my W first left I knew one day she would be back so I did all the 180s and waited it out. Today I don't have that confidence anymore so this is not only a last ditch effort but an opportunity to really move on. I would not suggest this to a newbie that's for sure.

If I thought waiting around a little longer and she'd be back again I would do that. I'm thinking too much damage has been done now so I'm not risking anything. The OW I'm talking to is actually a good catch so who knows, my W was a rebound after all.

This is supposedly what the W wanted to maybe it's time to give it to her. Like Steady, I wonder sometimes what it is I'm holding on to anyway?

[Bworl]

I see frequently the advice to not answer the phone or e-mail, which is essentially a ploy to give the impression that you are away doing something. You're supposed to "fake it until you can make it"; pretend you're happy. So, all this dissembling is fine, but not really dating?

I thought the point of not immediately answering phone calls, of pretending to be out and having a life, was to keep from sending the message that you are still hanging on every contact from your spouse. You're trying to not appear desperate or incapable of being on your own.

And I think that's a GREAT deal different than actually dating another person.

Seems like a good rule of thumb is, "If you would do it with your spouse at home in a good marriage, then do it. Otherwise, think twice."


Blessings,

Bill

[RobD70]

They may object to the notion on their own moral and ethical ground (That is that it transgresses against their marriage vows and religious principles) and that is their right to do so and yours if that is how you feel.... but, many of these same people also erroneously believe or let their moral "stance" on the issue cloud their thinking, confuse their own personal disliking of the tactic and leads them to deny the effectiveness of the tactic....

Having a affair is a effective tactic to get your spouse to wake up to the issues in the marriage. It is very effective.
Cheating is a effective way to win at sports.
Fraud and blackmail are a effective way to make money.
Sorry my morals and ethics are clouding my judgement, I don't buy it.

Many will say that the tactic doesn't work, that it will backfire or will do harm to the relationship that they are trying to save...but this really is not true (although of course there can be exceptions I guess).

So is it true or not? If the author has to guess, makes me wonder.

it can be the absolute quickest way to get a partner (that is leaving you) to turn their head long enough to see what they may be losing...

Absolute leaves no doubt, yet the author uses the phrase "can be" to describe the effectiveness.

This article is full of double speak and contradictions.


How come there is no welcome to the female perspective on this thread? If they are the "opposition" wouldn't we want to know what their thoughts are? I know I only control me but having a great scouting report makes preparation a whole lot more valuable come game time.

Hey Coach, I see all this as a means to an end and like was said before, is it really that different than "acting as if". Of course you can act "as if" you were dating which works too.

The author isn't an absolutist and knows there are exceptions to every rule in these cases. The probability is high and there are many stories of people doing this sincerely (not as a tactic but moving on) and found their WAS chasing them. So the options are "fake it" and date to see what happens or completely fall out of love with the WAS, date for real and become a WAS yourself as they beg and plead for you to take them back.

[Phoenixdeux]

I thought the point of not immediately answering phone calls, of pretending to be out and having a life, was to keep from sending the message that you are still hanging on every contact from your spouse. You're trying to not appear desperate or incapable of being on your own.

So basically lying. Should your wife be interested, all she'd find is a needy desperate person that was just pretending they were okay. As I said, get a real life...don't make one up.

[RobD70]

I see frequently the advice to not answer the phone or e-mail, which is essentially a ploy to give the impression that you are away doing something. You're supposed to "fake it until you can make it"; pretend you're happy. So, all this dissembling is fine, but not really dating?

I thought the point of not immediately answering phone calls, of pretending to be out and having a life, was to keep from sending the message that you are still hanging on every contact from your spouse. You're trying to not appear desperate or incapable of being on your own.

And I think that's a GREAT deal different than actually dating another person.

Seems like a good rule of thumb is, "If you would do it with your spouse at home in a good marriage, then do it. Otherwise, think twice."


Blessings,

Bill

Not just that but make them wonder what you are doing. They wont really want you back until they think they can't have you. My dad use to say "Always keep them guessing".

Now I wouldn't suggest this if there isn't an OM. If your W is going solo then I'd say wait her out. If there is an A then all bets should be off.

My W didn't leave and have an A to get my attention, she wanted out and the past 10 months I've been resisting her wishes and trying to make her stay. Technically I should be D by now according to her. If she thought I could change the A wouldn't have happened so I'm on borrowed time as I see it. Hell she may be moving in with the OM as we speak so I'm not overly concerned about being her safety net if it doesn't work out again in a few months. I love her to death but there's just so much I'm willing to take so if dating makes her pause then so be it.

I've done so much and my W knows it. There's nothing left for me to do but go dark anyway. As long as she has feelings for the OM I'm going to be in limbo or worse, D. There's nothing left for me to try.

They main problem is hurting an OW so I'd say fake dating or keep it in the friendship zone and have it "appear" like it's more than it is to make them worry. Is that really that bad?

[RobD70]

It's nice that this is being debated, there are pros and cons for sure. I am wondering what the women folk (especially former WAS) think about this?

I think of it like this, my wife is dating an OM but yet I'm still wanting her back and will to try to forgive her (IF she puts an effort in the M). Am I to expect she would act different if I had a OW? It not like I'm looking for a PA and yet my W is having a EA/PA right now. I don't even want an EA and plan on staying back enough to avoid it as much as possible. It could still happen but maybe that would be for the better. I have to look after me after all and so far the W doesn't seem interested. I bet a lot of people are in that boat as well.

[Greek]

I thought you'd never ask!

I am a WAW who came home to my marriage. FYI - no OM.

This is a poor theory being floated in here. In my case - and I'm betting in many others - the WAW already knows what she is missing. YOU! It's likely why she walked away - she couldn't have 'you'. Why would seeing you share yourself with someone else be helpful? Perhaps momentarily it would 'attract' her but it would be an anemic attraction.

I came home when I saw my H taking care of himself for his own sake. I saw him changing his communication style, to include listening, considering my perspectives, partnering with me on ideas, really SEEING me...now THAT'S attractive. And it doesn't hurt anyone. And it doesn't fertilize doubt. It's positive, lasting and HONORABLE.

If a guy uses one woman to make another woman jealous, he's objectified both of them. And if he thinks that's ok - maybe, just maybe, that is why he is a LBS.

As someone who traveled a long way personally to come back to my M, I am thankful we didn't have any additional hurdles to clear (dating other people) while putting this thing back together. It's hard enough without all of that.

Cheers ~

[Phoenixdeux]

the WAW already knows what she is missing. YOU!

I doubt it. I honestly doubt that in many of these cheating situations that there is any MISSING going on. I do think that anyone reading should take careful note of how you were attracted to him taking control of his own life. A blubbering pile of flesh is unattractive....someone with their act together is not.