The Jealousy Button (men only)

[RobD70]

I thought you'd never ask!

I am a WAW who came home to my marriage. FYI - no OM.

And there's the issue, no OM. When a OM is involved the WAS is able to distract from thoughts of the LBS with fantasies of the OM. Like I mentioned earlier, if there's no OM then don't try this.

Your H was lucky, 90% of the time there's an OM. I wish my wife took your path instead of being weak and using an OM (a married one at that) to leave.

[K4D]

My W must be different than most. She has asked me to go get laid. She wants me with someone else so I take my mind off of her. She would be more than pleased because then she would feel less guilt about it herself. But my W has always been different than most women I have known which was one thing that attracted me to her. She has always been the cool wife that would encourage me and my friends to go off and do stuff when the other wives were against it for whatever reason.

But now her being different is coming back to haunt me. Because she herself has no problem doing what she is doing now. Wouldn't work in my case. If it would, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

Kevin

[RobD70]

Don't be so sure, she tells you that because she doesn't think you have the balls to pull it off. It's one of those "beware what you wish for..."

She's too confident that you can't do it so it's easy for her to say. My W didn't think it would bother her either (she told her son she wish I would date) but I know now that's not the case. You never know how you'll (or they'll) feel until you/they actually experience it.

[Kettricken]

If a guy uses one woman to make another woman jealous, he's objectified both of them. And if he thinks that's ok - maybe, just maybe, that is why he is a LBS.

Big "ditto" to this.

And what Coach and Bworl said.

[Can it work]

I'm still reading this thread with mixed thoughts about the whole issue. I have absolutely no interest in dating anyone other than my W at the moment and I'm not going to pretend I am just to make her jealous. I will however be socialising a lot more in my effort to GAL. Some of my close friends are women. Some of whom my W was always convinced were interested in being more than just 'friends' with me. While we were together I made a concious effort not to see so much of these friends but I see no reason to restrict myself like that any more. I'm seeing one of them tomorrow night but among other friends. I have no romantic feelings at all for this woman but my W was convinced she had them for me. Now, if my W reacts to me going out with this friend it will confirm to me that she still has some feelings for me. I don't have to stray or do anything untoward. The fact is, I could never handle the guilt of being with another woman when I still love and honour my W and my M. It is an interesting subject though.

[RobD70]

That pretty good and a more idea setting. I don't want to date anyone either and I do feel some guilt even talking to any women even though my W is with another man.

The point is to make them worry, not engage in another R. In some of our cases it's probably best we did date when we either know our M is done or no longer want to save the M anymore.

I wont have any type of PA until the D is final no matter what. I don't want or plan to go out on a "real" date either, just friendly meetings. I'm at my breaking point so I'm ready for this but it's not for everyone.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Where's Gooch on all this? He's all over his thread when everyone agrees, but where are you when we got a good, old-fashioned DEBATE going on, buddy?

C'mon ... step up!

Puppy

[Bworl]

So, explain once again the rationale...

Either

a) My wife has left and is having some kind of affair SO...I will take a new partner of my own and that will fix our problem?

or

b) My wife has simply left and isn't interested in working on our marital problems SO...I will take a new partner of my own and that will fix our problem?



"Acting as if" is a coping mechanism FOR US, not our spouses. WE are trying to learn to be less dependent, to focus on ourselves, to NOT be caught up in their drama. It's a tough lesson to learn. So for awhile we are faking it till we make it.


And you would compare THAT to going out and involving yourself with members of the opposite sex?


For REAL?


Let's see, one is a way to retrain MYSELF to handle things in a healthy way and get my emotional legs back under myself again.

The other is but a door or two away from becoming the very thing that so many of us come here DREADING.


For me, dating another woman while I still entertained hope that my marriage would be reconciled is hypocritical. Using such a thing as a TOOL, especially since it involves other HUMAN BEINGS, is worse than hypocritical. It's unethical and immoral.


We don't solve our problems by moving in the direction of becoming the very thing that has turned our world upside down.


And I think Greek is so incredibly on the mark when she says that if you're really thinking this is a good route to go, that may well speak volumes about what might have led to some of the problems between you and your spouse.


Blessings,

Bill

[Lostforwords]

This is an extremely interesting thread with good arguments supporting both points of view. At some point I think we all have to acknowledge that the relationship is over. Maybe not beyond saving, but done in relation that there is nothing more we can achieve by any of the DB techniques. The few times my wife looked at this board she noted that trying for a few months was admirable, but beyond that was silly. When this point is achieved varies to the couple and other things. It is different for all of us and is definitely not a one shoe fits all situation. It is just a reality we need to face before we have tried for years and turn into hate filled, resentment torn monsters who can only think of the limited amount of lifetime we have spent on something that was painfully obvious to those around us. That being said, if ones spouse is making small baby steps then patience is a virtue. If it has been months or years since the last baby step...time to move on sadly.

The other nasty side is that you start dating some one. A few months later you are attached, the new women is attached, and finally the WAW realizes what she has done and wants to return. Then three people are hurt by your actions;

1) The new GF is going to be hurt by losing you if you return to your wife.

2) Your wife is going to be hurt you were with another. She will be guilt ridden because she drove you into going the route of another women. And finally she will constantly be comparing herself to the other women and be less trusting of you and the possibility of you liking the grass on the other side of the fence better.

3) You will be hurt because you hurt some one's feelings (the other woman) with intent on going back to your wife if that became a possibility.

That to me is a lose-lose-lose situation, but it all depends on the situation. I think this is a lot like playing with fire and somebody is going to get burned eventually.

Finally, if the whole thing is just a ploy to make your wife jealous....shame on you. First you are using another human being and could possibly devastate them like you have been. Second, you are intentionally hurting your wife. Maybe that is getting them to rock bottom, but there should be more respect in a marriage than that (even if it is in an affair situation that has only one sided respect). Third, what if your wife returns and you stay with the new girlfriend instead...then you have done everything against saving your marriage.

The last point I want to make is regards to legal effect of this actions. Say your wife is having an affair and your do the same after a year or so of DB'ing your b@lls off. If you hadn't dated the other woman, i am sure the court would have viewed you with more sympathy and split custody of kids or no alimony might have been in the works. But you also cheated and the court might see that negatively and the courts tend to favor the woman or mother a majority of the time. Not a risk I am willing to take. We also need to remember that there are still 7 (maybe a 11..I forgot) that recognize alienation of affection laws and criminal conversation laws. So now you opened up that can of worms if you live in one of those states.

Tread warily and cautiously on this one. I see both points of view, but we do need to live with our eyes open.

[RobD70]

LOL wow, so many emotions here.

Dating isn't design to fix any problems, it's to help you move on when all else fails. If it wakes up the WAS to try to work on the M then you have a choice. Yes the OW can get hurt IF you've allowed an real R to develop. The W could get hurt but considering they have been hurting us with their cheating and we lived I'm sure they will to. Hell you might like the OW better than the W anyway and that may be the way to go.

Is dating a good idea after a separation? I'd say no, you need at least 6 months or 2 years to consider a SEROUS relationship. Sometimes the best way to go over one person is with another as my W can attest to.

Bottom line is this is effective but care must be taken NOT to cross boundaries and not hurt a third party if leaving a door open for the W. My W moved in with her OM one month after leaving me which I found very disrespectful but I never said anything about it. I would not stoop to her level but if she THINKS I might I'm not going to reassure her. The only consequence she's felt so far is guilt. I don't want to list all I have dealt with in order take the high road all this time.

Something like this happened to me as I posted before about an ex-gf of mine. I chose the new gf who later became my W instead of going back to my old R and I don't regret it. I didn't date to make my ex jealous, I did it to help me get over her and it worked about better than I had thought. My W left me for another man and had no intentions of coming back, why can't I say "fine, I'm moving on to" and find my someone for myself?

I've been DBing successfully for 10 months and while I've had lots of success, in the end the lure of the OM was too much for her to overcome. I have a deadline in my head on how long I'll wait for her and the clock is almost up. We don't owe them anything after they leave us for a A. It was out of love that I've waited for and changed myself for my W all this time. If she doesn't appreciate it or even care what's the point?