Another One Bites the Dust (3)

[Gypsy]

Hey Ms. Hearted..

I like your lawyer! I wish I could have settled the first go around.. or even known how to settle. With the way your spouse is behaving the longer it lasts, the worse it will get.

Good job on moving forward and letting go of the uck. Excellent!

Let us know how you're doing!

*hugs*

[cat03]

glad you have a good L, I pray that this whole things gets settled)))))

[No Longer BH]

So, I talked to my L once again on Friday. OEO's L sent some kind of confusing letter that did not address any of the issues that are going on and only wanted to know if her client (OEO) could still maintane visitation in the house. Um, hello......we have ALREADY established this is NOT going to happen. OEO keeps lying to her as well. He told her that I had family in town so it should be ok for me to leave the house one weekend a month. I just started laughing and said to my L.......um, hmmmm, his brother lives 5 minutes from him while my brother is over 2 hours away!

So, OEO's L is out of town until Tuesday. I still have not gotten ANY F'ing money from him since he pulled his check. My L advised me to send an email asking him to please pay what he promised for support. OEO's responce back was....you already took what was left in the checking account. Consider THAT your support for this month. Also I want to see exactly where you are spending my money. I suspect that you are paying your student loans.....that is NOT how my support payment to our son is suppose to be used. I just sighed and thought what an ass. He left us with utilities that are being disconnect. I had to use the money in the account just to keep the gas on. Now he is saying "Too bad, that is all you get." If I had a bat, I swear I would hit him over and over and over and over and over again with it. So, there is no money for anything any more. But hey, he has got to keep his entire paycheck to take his whore out for Valentines dinner. Good for them and may they rot in hell. Unfortunately because I still do not have a judge yet there is nothing I can do at this moment. <Sigh> I have to believe it will all work out in the end.

So, the utilites are going to be shut off this week, my car payment is due and now I found out that I need to have surgery......but here is the kicker....OEO changed our insurance plan to an 80/20 coverage so now I can not even afford to get medical treatment. I talked to my doctor and he thinks I will be ok until this fall. I told him I am planning on getting a job when this is all over, so I will have insurance then. [censored]'s comment about the insurance was "Owen and I dont need it that often so why should I pay high premiums for us?" Meaning I know you need it but I going to try and screw you while I can. At least there is some kind of coverage right now, even if it sucks. I am wondering how much all of the test I jsut got done are going to cost me. I still have not paid all of my medical bills from before.

I did make a huge mistake this weekend. OEO had Owen on Valentines day from 10 am - 6 pm. Apparently, after he picked Owen up they went to the coffee house around the corner to have breakfast. They were there for a short period of time when OEO said that he saw someone that he knew and was going to go over and say hi. He would be right back and asked Owen to stay put. The woman was very chatty with OEO and laughing a bit. Owen watched the conversation very closely and for some reason became convienced that this was OEO's girlfriend. He immediately became overwhelmed with the situation and did not know how to handle it. Once OEO came back to Owen, Owen felt betrayed, sad and angry because of his assumptions. OEO told him it was a friend named Piper.....but by this time Owen was convienced it was his dad's girlfriend. For the rest of the day Owen was consumed with this thought. He told me that on a few occassions he broke down crying and when his dad asked what was wrong, he lied and said he was feeling bad about the divorce. By the time he got home he was so overwhelmed with the guilt of lying to his father all day long that it was "crushing" him. He just did not know how to handle having his dad's girlfriend so close when that is not what he wants to see.

When he walked into the house he immediately began to sob and tell me about his day. He told me that his dad had his girlfriend there. I did not jump to any conclusions, I just asked him what occured. He then told me about the coffee shop incident and I began to wonder if it truly was his girlfriend (although I would not put it past HER to do that kind of thing because of past behaviors where she has wanted me to know she is around). I asked Owen to tell me what kind of hair she had......Piper has really curly hair where the girlfriend has wavy hair. He could not quite remember. I asked if he could tell what color hair she had....was it brown (Piper) or Red (girlfriend)? He could not remember. I wanted to reassure him that it was not the girlfriend. I kept saying that I truly thought it was his friend from work, not his girlfriend. Owen would not listen to me and insisted it was the girlfriend. At this point he was in such distress and I made a bad judgment call. I said "Owen, your dad and I have talked about this and he has agreed to not bring anyone around until he is sure that it is someone that he loves and he knows you will love. I dont think it was her." After a few more moments of arguing with him, and I so hate to admit that I did this, I pulled up a picture of OEO's girlfriend and asked "Was this who you saw?" He said No, so I said then you did not see his girlfriend.

Once he saw the picture of the girlfriend it was like reality hit him hard. He was finally faced with seeing who his dad chose and he began to cry very hard. He said that he now knew that his dad had been lying to him this entire time and it crushed him. He never wanted to see her picture again. I hugged him and said I was so sorry for even showing him that picture. I was not thinking staight and he should never had been faced with seeing what she looked like until his dad was ready to introduce them.....if ever. My intent was to show him that his dad had not brought his girlfriend into his life at this moment, but instead I caused him more pain by showing him the reality of what is actually occuring. If I could take that moment back, I would.

He was so consumed with the guilt of lying to his dad all day long as well. OEO kept asking if he was ok and he told me " I kept saying yes even though all I wanted to do was cry. I just wanted to come home to you." I told him that I thought his dad would understand what he was going through and that he should not feel bad for what he said. He is just not ready to talk to his dad yet, but maybe in the future he could say "I'm just not comfortable talking right now." That way he did not feel like he was lying, but got to have the security of knowing he did not have to open up right then.

When I asked Owen what they did all day he said that they went to the coffee house for awhile, went to have lunch, then went back to the coffee house to play World of Warcraft until he had to go home. That was 6+ hours doing nothing but playing on the freaking computer!!!! It makes me sad to hear that this is the only connection that OEO is providing for Owen. I think it is truly affecting Owen, but I dont get to say how they spend there time.

I feel just awful for what I did and wish I could take it back. Now I am left wonderfing how I can make things better. Today was a better day and we did talk some about how he felt yesterday...he seems to be in a better state, but still I wonder how much damage I caused. God, I just wish there was a manual on how to handle this stuff. On one hand I want to be honest with him so he can trust me, but on the other hand there are still things that he doesnt need to know. ARGG! I am still so angry with myself!

[Gypsy]

Hey Ms. Heart..

No one is perfect. Guilt consumes. I try to forgive myself, apologize to those concerned and move forward adding one more thing to the 'what not to do' list.

What does your lawyer say about your utilities, etc? Your spouse can see your general expenses in a financial affidavit you have to fill out as part of the discovery process through the lawyers.

One note of caution.. and talk to your lawyer about this. What is your strategy? What is his experience with spouses who behave like yours? Tap into his experience to get the best overall outcome. In my case I hit the 'get it over' stage. Ex was depleting all our assets on legal fees and blaming me. Oh, how I wished I knew how to cut and run.

Look at the standard settlement, know your priorities. Take care of things without emotion. Easier said than done.

*hugs*

PS.. remember.. the more it's about you, rather than him, the better you feel!

[Ready2Change]

*HUGS*

[cat03]

you did nothing wrong, I would've done the same (show the pict) if my son got that upset. Picture or no picture he already feels bad about it, you didn't bring this upon him, his dad did.
I'm sorry about the $ being such an issue, Ihope your L can make that jerk pay you, praying for you and your little one))))))))))))))) it breaks my heart when our little ones cry because of these jerks. HUGS))))))))))))

[LL44]

How are things bh?

[No Longer BH]

Thanks Gyps for your beautiful words.....they are always uplifting. And Ready, you always come through with hugs when I need them. Cat, I love your direct point of view, you seem to share my anger and that makes me feel like what I am feeling is normal. lwb, my fellow St. Louis friend, thank you for your continuing to check on me and for always being so positive. You all have been such pillars of strength to me.


So, I talked to my L today. We discussed a few different things about what is going on. First, we have all agreed to meet next Wed to try and just settle everything once and for all. OEO has voiced his concern that he doesnt feel that I am truly interested in getting it done because, according to him, I made our last mediation appointment a complete failure. Hmmmm......I thought that a bit odd as he was the one who spent 3 hours doing nothing but arguing about his right to kick me out of the house......whatever. My L knows that I am very motivated at this point to finally get this crap over with.

My L once again addressed that I have not recieved support from OEO. He said that OEO's L seemed truly surprised and said she would definately talk to him and she what she could do. Hopefully she can convience him to give me some money. I have managed to pay the gas bill to keep it on, but dont have enough for any of the other bills. To top it off, I just got my latest statement from L and I have already used up my entire retainer just on this back and forth crap that OEO's L is pulling. Nothing has been filed, nothing has been done and all of my money has been spent! Im just trying to look at it like five years from now, that bill will be paid and I will have gotten the representation that I needed to get a fair settlement.

Final bit of news is that OEO told his L that he would NOT be getting a bonus check this year. He told her that his boss pulled him aside and said that he has been put on probation and if things do not dramatically improve in the next 2 weeks, then he will be let go.........talk about a range of emotions. First, as much as OEO has lied and stolen money from me and his grandmother, I dont believe for one moment that he is NOT going to get a bonus. I truly believe this is just an attempt to hide around 20k from me. But then I swing the other way and think...holy sh!t....what if he does get fired. I mean the man obviously is screwing up everything thing in his life. Is it so hard to believe that getting fired isnt just next on the list of wonderful MLC achievements? So, I sit here and wonder to myself "How can I protect myself from the crap he is pulling? How can I make sure Owen and I are safe if he truly does lose his job?" I have alot of thinking to do and alot of planning to get into place. God, this is just so tiring at times!!!

Other than that, emotionally I am actually doing great. I dont dwell on his shenanegans any more. I just leave it to the univers to handle things. I cant imagine that his life is very fulfilling, especially when I know he is not even connecting to his son. I also know that I am happy. Funny, my life is completely falling apart right now, but for some reason I feel like it is ok. It is like things have to be torn down before they can be rebuilt. Once this rebuilding process is over, my life will be stronger than ever. I'm not even feeling the rage anymore. Just a twitch of anger when something new happens, but then it is gone....I leaving it to the Lawyer gods to determine the course now. (((HUGS))) to everyone one of you beautiful people who have helped me so much.

[Gypsy]

Wow.. Ms. Heart..

That was beautiful! I'm taking notes!

*hugs*

[No Longer BH]

Thanks Gyps.....I find your words so inspirational as well.

Ok, I am going to share my day. Lets just say I got to visit crazy town today. I arrived at Owen's IC appointment and OEO was already there with my son. I went to "my" waiting room area while they stayed in their secluded corner. The Dr took Owen in and talked with him for about 45 min. He then called me and OEO in to talk about how things are going. I had already sent him a very detailed email talking about problems Owen is having, and I copied the angry emails OEO has sent to me and I attached the letter that he sent with the pic of me cut out. When the doc talked to us he started out by saying that neither one of us is putting Owen in the middle (I think he said this because of the emails OEO sent me accusing me of putting him in the middle). I told him about some of the concerns the school counselor has passed on to me, about how Owen doesnt open up but tries to find ways to divert attention from uncomfortable situations. As the session progressed, OEO monopolised the conversation with all of his talk about how he is trying to show Owen a more positive path, a way to see the good in every situation......I just rolled my eyes at this. The doc could see that I was seething with anger by this point. Finally, I just could not keep it in any more and said "Dr Mike, could you PLEASE inform OEO that I am not a bad mother. Could you INFORM him that me talking with my son about our financial situation is not child abuse or me taking his childhood away."

Well, this opened a can of worms and OEO tried to say he never accused me of being a bad mother. He had his therapist read the email he sent to me and they both agreed that it was a very peaceful comment about his concerns. I looked at Dr Mike and said "I forwarded his email to you....did that seem peaceful to you?" The doc was visiably uncomfortable being in the middle, but looked at OEO and said "Tell me how you think that responce was peaceful. There was alot of accusations in what you wrote and I can see how BH felt attacked." I looked at OEO and said "Yep, I forwarded what you sent to me on to Dr Mike." He stammerd a bit and then started to talk and talk and talk about how he is just trying to be a good dad and he just wants what is best for Owen and that he did not accuse me of being a bad mom........whatever.

There were so many things brought up in this session...how Owen does not feel emotionally safe with his dad (which OEO then accused me of brainwashing him to this point of view....surprise, surprise), how Owen felt he needed to lie to his dad and how he hates that his dad lies to him. OEO said that this was all my fault because I told Owen about OW and I had no right to do that. I simply said "I will not lie to him. You need to get that through your head right now. If he comes to me and ask if you are living with you girlfriend I am going to say you need to talk to your dad about that but yes he is. I am not going to protect you. YOu need to start answering his questions instead of lying to him because you are harming your relationship with your son!" Well, he did NOT like that answer but I would not back down. I told him that if Owen was asking these questions, he was needing answers and I was not going to lie to him on anything.

Ok, here is where the weirdness starts. While in with the doc, the contempt I feel for OEO is just dripping from me. I dont hide my emotions well and OEO could tell that I hate him. The doc even ask at one point if I thought I could have a friendly relationship with OEO and I replied h3ll no. I never want to talk to him again. Thank god for email because that is all he is going to get from me anymore. So, the doc calls Owen back in and OEO is in his corner and I am in mine. All I thinking is "God, he is such an @ss." Then I started to think about the fact that I am going to be negotiating my D next week and it may not be in my best interest to leave things the way they are. I walk over to OEO and ask if we can talk. He says absolutely. He is very eager to talk to me. I start off with "When you called me to tell me you wrecked your car, all I could think was, d@mn, the F'er didnt die in the accident." I told him I reconized this was not a healthy place to be, that I did not want to continue to be the bitter exW. I wanted to let things go and move on but it was impossible with him coming in and out of my home. That is when the NC started.

I then appealed to his emotions and talked about how things have been so rough for Owen because of the financial choices that he continues to make. In our conversation I pretty much told him that I hated him, that I would not have contact with him as long as he was with his amoral maggot, that he was a sh!t because he change insurance coverage so that I now could no longer get the surgery I need, that I didnt know how he could look at himself in the mirror knowing what he has done......I did not hold back. I just didnt care anymore, I let him have it. But, I also was appealing to his since of wanting to be the hero. I kept telling him how hard things have been for OWen, how I could not make things work because there just wasnt any money. This is why I say things where wierd...for an hour I told him what a sh!t he is while mixing in pleas of we need money. By the time we left he was thanking me for having this conversation. He was so glad we could communicate and was hoping we could continue doing this in the future. He even called me after I left to leave a voice mail thanking me. He then called again....I handed the phone to Owen. OEO asked if he could talk to me. He told me he was going to pay for the internet connection from here on out, that he was going to try and change insurance coverage so that I could get insurance, was going to call the home owners insurance policy to try and fix that and he was going to give me money as well. Lets just say my jaw hit the floor.

After thinking about it I realized the reason he thought it was a good talk was becasue I gave him the opportunity to be the hero in the situation. It made him feel good to play the good guy and rescue us. Personally, I dont care how he feels, I am just looking at the end game. If I can get him to have simpathy for us while we are discussing the D, then I am in a better place when it comes to the settlement. Still it totally confuses me that he would think our conversation was a good one....not going to question it, just going to chalk it up to the crazy MLC mind. I did bring up how his job is going. Once again, he deflected all blaim from himself and placed it on his mean boss who's performance is not good so needs a fall guy.....OEO is insisting that he is just the fall guy in this situation. I looked at him and said that his life has been a total wreck and maybe that is why he is on the verge of getting fired.....his reply "Yes, it has for the last 18 months, but from Jan 1st until now things are going great." I almost snickerd out loud at that one. Gee I remember last May him telling me that things were bad before but now he is doing great because he found OW, then in July him saying that he had been fighting his depression but he finally got it under controll and was happy, then in Oct him saying that things had been pretty rough emotionally but he finally figured out how to be happy......it was so sad to see the denial spewing from him. Glad I am not caught in that mess.

After it was all over I did have an emotional reaction. It still hurt some to hear some of the things he said, and seeing him reminded me of the feelings I USED to have for him. Made me sad that he chose to take the path he did instead of working through some of the problems we had to make a stronger relationship. But then it was also a reminder of how weak he is and that I deserve so much more than he would ever be able to give me. The good thing was I did not find him attractive at all. I was waiting for that attraction to go away. It is so hard to let go when you are still drawn to them. ANyway, it was a hard day, but I got to say so many things that I wanted to say. I know it went in one ear and out the other....the fact that he thought we had a really good conversation proves that, but at least I think I am in a better position to have better negotiations next week. Here's hopen!