Jeff, my thoughts are you should probably stick to the agreement, every other weekend and one night if she doesn't come up with something else you could agree with. Then make plans for the weekends she has the kids and make her act like a grownup. I don't think many parents let their parents see the kids whenever they want whenever they may feel like it. That's making life way too difficult for you and too easy for her imo.
Her email makes me want to gag. It sounds good, but if you look at her actions has she really tried to do any of this? Does she think the D is going to make other people happy? I personally think being a full-time mom is the best way for your life to count for something!!! I just think she's feeling a little guilty and is hoping you'll make her feel better. I don't think you should say anything to her that would make her feel better! Karen
E-MAIL SHE SENT ME: I don't talk about it with anyone either. I really have not told anyone except for (best friend) about anything that is going on in my life. I feel like a failure. I don't like to talk about it. I don't see any way around it, however. I hate that this happened. If I could turn back time I would. I just want to do the very best I can do for everyone from this point forward. My time on this planet is growing short and I want to do good with it. I want to be happy and I want to make other people happy. I want my life to count for something. Sincerely,
Gag me. If it were me, knowing what little effort she has put into this, I would respond "Maturity isn't about doing what makes you 'happy.' It's about 'doing the RIGHT THING.' I'm sorry, but I'm just not seeing where you even tried."
But that's just me. I'm sorry, but she just pizzes me off. She did NOTHING but run away from a damned good husband AND HER OWN CHILDREN.
Karen: Her email makes me want to gag. It sounds good, but if you look at her actions has she really tried to do any of this? Does she think the D is going to make other people happy? I personally think being a full-time mom is the best way for your life to count for something!!! I just think she's feeling a little guilty and is hoping you'll make her feel better. I don't think you should say anything to her that would make her feel better!
Puppy: Gag me. If it were me, knowing what little effort she has put into this, I would respond "Maturity isn't about doing what makes you 'happy.' It's about 'doing the RIGHT THING.' I'm sorry, but I'm just not seeing where you even tried." But that's just me. I'm sorry, but she just pizzes me off. She did NOTHING but run away from a damned good husband AND HER OWN CHILDREN.
Thank you for your comments, I still have anger issues, but I'm also sad and sorry for her. She is sick and I want to lead by example, I want to take the high road, I've put up with a lot of her crap and I gone through a lot in my life. Whenever I had to face hardships or pain in my life, I've taken it without complaint, without it breaking me, finding out about OM knocked me to my knees, I'm getting up slowly from this, it was the worse thing I've ever had to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I still carry the anger and I get depressed sometimes, but life moves on. What defines us is how we handle the hard times, its easy when things are all going your way, its the hardships in life and how you handle them that truly define you as a person.
I haven't responded to her e-mail yet, keep posting your thoughts. Its 11:35pm, Laundry is done, kids had a bath and were put to bed hours ago, bills are paid, having a beer, trying to relax a little before bed, tomorrows another day.
Thank you for checking in on me.
M45 W41 M10.75 years D9, D7, D7, S6 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me New Abbreviation = WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08
Hi Jeff. I'm not surprised by her email. You are not either. I'm glad you are able to face hardships the way you do. It's very hard. I'm sure the praying helps.
I'm going to disect her letter:
I don't talk about it with anyone either. I really have not told anyone except for (best friend) about anything that is going on in my life. I feel like a failure. I don't like to talk about it.
SHE'S EMBARRASSED AND GUILTY. RIGHTFULLY SO.
I don't see any way around it, however. I hate that this happened. If I could turn back time I would.
SHE THINKS THAT THERE IS NOTHING SHE CAN DO TO CHANGE HER FEELINGS. SHE DOESN'T SEE THAT SHE ISN'T SEEING CLEARLY. SHE DOESN'T SEE THAT LOVE IS A CHOICE AND THE FEELING THAT SHE IS LOOKING FOR IS JUST A BEGINNING LOVE OR A LOVE THAT IS ONE THAT SHE HAS GROWN TO BECAUSE SHE IS OLDER. 10 YEARS FROM NOW SHE WILL WANT ANOTHER KIND OF LOVE BECAUSE SHE IS OLDER. WILL SHE DO THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN? SHE IS ALSO PLAYING THE VICTIM ROLE.
I just want to do the very best I can do for everyone from this point forward. My time on this planet is growing short and I want to do good with it. I want to be happy and I want to make other people happy. I want my life to count for something.
OF COURSE THIS WAS SAID BECAUSE RATHER THAN LOOKING AT HERSELF IN THE MIRROR (VERY HARD TO DO) SHE CAN SAY THAT THIS IS FOR THE BEST BECAUSE IT IS NOT FAIR TO YOU. SHE DOESN'T SEE THAT FOR HER LIFE TO COUNT FOR SOMETHING SHE NEEDS TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AND FOLLOW GOD'S PLAN. GOD HATES DIVORCE. COMMITTMENT AND LOYALTY COUNTS FOR SOMETHING.
Sincerely,
SHE CAN'T EVEN SAY "LOVE"? YOU ARE RIGHT THAT SHE IS LOST. I WONDER IF SOME DAY SHE REALLY WILL SEE WHAT LOVE IS.
She sure missed out on you, Jeff. I'm so glad for your kids, though. They are lucky to have you. I just got the Love Languages Book for CHildren and am reading that. I love my son more than anything and show him often, but that book gives you a way to look at it and refreshes those ideas. Not that you need it. Just a good read.
Jeff, I think you need to stick to the agreed upon schedule. that way everyone can plan, the kids have a routine that they can count on, and you can live your OWN life.
I'm not saying that there couldn't be times when you could be flexible; but have that agreement written up where she has every other weekend. You want the agreement to NOT be flexible.
That's just my $.02.
Just like my wife, she cycles in the amount of time that she wants with the kids. So if you're agreement is written that you'll let her have the kids upon request; you'll always be a slave to her whims. It's time to let go of that. Let her suffer the consequences of her behavior and grow up. You and I have been too nice in dealing with our wayward spouses. So I'm writing this as much for me as I am for you.
I hope you remember me. It is Sara who is also from the St. Louis area. I think and pray about you often and I hope you are able to find the love you deserve. I haven't been coming to the DB site lately because it is just so painful to read. But know that you do have someone who prays for you on a regular basis, even though I am not always here.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Sara, the past week or so I've really been wondering & thinking about you. I was so glad to see your post and know that you're ok (or sounds like you are anyway). How have things been going for you??? Sorry for the hijack Jeff! Karen
WDID: She sure missed out on you, Jeff. I'm so glad for your kids, though. They are lucky to have you. I just got the Love Languages Book for CHildren and am reading that. I love my son more than anything and show him often, but that book gives you a way to look at it and refreshes those ideas. Not that you need it. Just a good read.
Thanks WDID, my WAS is messed up, thinking that the grass is greener on the other side, I feel sorry for her sometimes.. I'll have to check out that book Thank you again
MC: Just like my wife, she cycles in the amount of time that she wants with the kids. So if you're agreement is written that you'll let her have the kids upon request; you'll always be a slave to her whims. It's time to let go of that. Let her suffer the consequences of her behavior and grow up. You and I have been too nice in dealing with our wayward spousesI know I need to set a regular schedule and then I think I can just hire a babysitter if I need one. (I like waking up hearing the kids running through the house, cooking breakfast for everyone) Yes we have been nice, but what other option do we have, let them be the bad, rude, selfish, self centered, crazy, unstable ones.
Sara, I haven't forgotten you, I keep you in my prayers. I feel the same way about reading everyones situation, seeing the pain and confusion.
I signed the D paperwork today - D should be done by 2-10-09 I really never had a L, but on the final paperwork, I got one to review what W's L put together, his exact words were "you did good" meaning I negotiated a good settlement for myself.
I still cannot believe it all its all so strange I'll be divorced by the end of the month
Thank you for checking in on me.
M45 W41 M10.75 years D9, D7, D7, S6 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me New Abbreviation = WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08
It is an extremely strange feeling, isn't it? I know I felt like the divorce just suddenly happened. I just signed some papers and it was all done and over. The day I signed the divorce papers was the single saddest day of my life. I remember I left the laywer's office and as soon as I stepped outside, I burt into tears. I sat in my car for a long time in the parking lot crying. It is difficult all around, but I know you can handle it Jeff. You are a good man.
Sara
Me-31 H-38 M: 5 yrs T: 7 yrs No kids Went to Prostitutes 10-1-06 Found out about OW 12-24-07 Bomb on EA/PA: 1-2-08 OW ended it with H "for good" 3-8-08 OW is back 4-19-08 H and OW tell me that they are in love 5-19-08 Filed for divorce 6-5-08 Divorced 7-2-08
Sara: It is an extremely strange feeling, isn't it?
Yes it is Sara, its even more strange with kids involved, because you WAS is always around. Like a bad cold, that you can't get rid of.
my stbx called the other night about D9 girl scout meeting, thats 2 weeks away, don't know why she could tell me in peron when I see her in the morning. But I found her comments strange, becuase she told me when the meeting was and said, now that's the day before her birthday, like she was reminding me that her birthday is comming up soon.
This is the crap that drives me nuts, If I don't tell the kids they would never know its her birthday, My plan is to make sure the kids know, that they each have a birthday card for her and I bought a present for the kids to give to her. Becuase its on a school night, I'll have to ask her over for cake so the kids can sing happy birthday to her. Am I going to have to do this for the rest of my life
Well I should be D by valentine's day, I was thinking of mailing ex-w my wedding ring, I want to get rid of it, becuase everytime I see it it's upsetting. Just going to put it in an envelope and mail it to her no note or anything, post marked on valentine's day.
Thank you for checking in on me.
M45 W41 M10.75 years D9, D7, D7, S6 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me New Abbreviation = WAM (Walk Away Mom) 05/31/08 W files for D 07/18/08
