Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[CMNM]

OK, Cagz, now I feel kinda guilty for asking you to share! That post was painful to read, so I can't imagine what it took to write.

First off, HUGS. Lots and lots of them.

This stopped me in my tracks:

Like...if I go on and become happy and whole..to me that says "then everyhting that xh did to you was for you good..that him leaving you, ripping out your heart etc. it was all good..." SEE I can't differentiate between that being hard and bad and me choosing to live and have a healthy life without him as good.

Ouch. That hurt to read. The honesty of it makes it so. That being said, I don't think you can look at it in terms of "good" and "bad," as those 2 things are just too black and white. Life is not that simple, and it is rarely black and white! There were good parts of your life with your H, as well as bad. There are good and bad parts about your life now. Why do you feel the need to label/compartmentalize the two?

As for your family...how do you know they are getting frustrated with you and are needing you to flip the switch? Have they come out and said anything?

Don't beat yourself up, Cagz. I spent the weekend crying, too, and I have been at this a lot longer than you. It happens. Dust yourself off and move on. It will get a little easier with time. WITH TIME. Now, if we are here in the same exact place in a year, we will talk. But, you are moving ahead. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Oh, and make sure I didn't end up in the bulk mail section, you sly lady, you!

XO,
P

[Dawn of Hope]

[...]it just reinforces to me that I AM ALONE in all of it. Yes, I know God is always there with me, but it is daunting not to have the strong, male, human presence by my side that was there for so long.

I'm right there with you! I want (as the little boy said during the scary thunderstorm) somebody with skin on!

Like...if I go on and become happy and whole..to me that says "then everyhting that xh did to you was for you good..that him leaving you, ripping out your heart etc. it was all good..." SEE I can't differentiate between that being hard and bad and me choosing to live and have a healthy life without him as good.

I totally get it.....at least I think I do!

It's like I don't want people to be able to say to me in a year or two or five..."Hey, TP, aren't you so much happier now? H leaving you was the best thing that ever could have happened to you!"

It's almost like it lets exH off the hook---like it makes what he did okay. But I don't like that. I don't feel that way. Just because I'm surviving it and learning to make the best of it, and maybe someday will finally be able to be happy again should NEVER make what he did to me and to his children okay.

I struggle with this, too. I know the Bible says that God can take any and every situation and use it for the good of those who believe in Him, but it's almost like I don't WANT that!

And how does that make sense, for heaven's sake!!!???

Ohhhh yes. I go through this whole cycle too. I think for me, part of the trouble is that I have not yet released my anger about the sitch and come to the place of being able to forgive. I think the key here is this: The end does not justify the means. Even if a LBS is able to learn and grow and benefit in numerous areas, and find happiness somewhere down the road without their S, it will NEVER make what the WAS did okay/right. It's not a matter of making lemonade out of lemons, it's more like making clean, pure lemonade out of poop. Only God can do that...or would even try.

I myself have gone through such complete he!! over the last year and a half that what I have gained (which has been significant), and what I had before the bomb, does not come ANYWHERE close to making up for it. And I'll bet a lot of people on this board would feel the same way.

Cagz, I'm sorry to hear that you are having such an emotional low, and I send you my prayers and best wishes.

Peace and blessings,
Dawn

[tpaschal]

Cagz,

How are you doing? What you posted yesterday morning really struck a deep chord in me, and you've been on my heart ever since. I hope today has been a good day for you.

TP

[cagzmom]

weird thing happened tonight at my counseling session.

first off let me just say it is so strange to not sit and cry and talk about xh anymore in those sessions. Oh yes he is brought up-- but so different.. so strange..almost foreign to me.

then -- have had a friend in my life for close to 30 years. he (yes he) is a friend..a man of character and he is engaged so please hear this... I said tonight to my c.. "where is my JOHN DOE"... I was talking about my friend. I have alot of respect for him, the decisions he has made etc. BUT it is the FIRST time in 2 years that I have said "i want someone like XYZ" not I WANT X.

It is a step in healing for me. In knowing that in a relationship i deserve to be treated with respect and honesty. It is a step.

of course my heart still says... well xh could be that .... but his actions speak .... thats all there is to say as there are "NO MORE WORDS..."

[TRUSTING]

Baby steps are good Cagz.

Never lose track of how important and wonderful you are.

Respect and honesty are not too much to expect from a relationship.

You do deserve this.

[cagzmom]

Strange to me.

I know if X showed up - having worked on himself and wanting to date again that I would be all over it.

BUT--- in moving forward the realization that he is not even there yet becomes stronger and stronger.

AND-- the fact that if he didn't I will be ok and moving forward is what I am suppose to do... that is strange.

How is it really, that we loved so deeply and that love wasn't enough? i know I know no 2x4 just wondering. So many people just give up, quit. LOVE --- it really really is commitment.

The further away from the bomb and from being married etc the truth about love has become more and more evident to me. Loving somenoe is awesome - at least it was for me. BUT REAL LOVE means that even if i don't "feel" it you the person I love are WORTH it. Worth being respected, treated with honor - and just honest with.

LOVE itself does change and grow. AND committment is what glues it together. There are times LOTS AND LOTS of times when you can think this isn't worth it - this stinks....but once you have made that committment to love - you dont quit.

It is like a great friendship---- some are worth it -- worth working through.

i know early morning ramblings.....

[cagzmom]

found out tonight that x things i have a "main man" in my life. he mentioned it to d12.

he is now onto #3.

[CMNM]

Hmmm. And just how did he mention it? Where do you suppose he got that notion? Inquiring minds want to know!

[cagzmom]

dont know really. i did get thsoe flowers..maybe he saw them..i did tell him (in sorts) about that weekend awhile back.... CMNM he could care less.... and that has made me sad..

[tpaschal]

Cagz,

I don't know the story of the weekend you mentioned or the flowers, but if he's saying anything to your daughter about you having a "main man," that proves he has thought about it. Maybe it's just that he's curious, but I bet it bothers him more than you think.

What I've noticed with my exH since the MLC started is that anything that's not important to him, even if it's of extreme importance to me, his kids, his colleagues, etc.---just flies right out of his head like he never knew about it. So to me, the fact that your ex mentioned it to your daughter means it is percolating around in his head. If it really didn't matter to him at all, he wouldn't have commented about it.

Maybe he's not extremely jealous, and not jealous enough to make any changes in himself, but I've noticed that these guys still seem to be possessive, even in the midst of MLC and OW. They may tell you to get out and find yourself a new man, but they don't think you actually will. And when you do---I think it surprises them that they don't like it.

I'm not saying this to get your hopes up or anything like that, but I don't want you to get down on yourself, being sad that it doesn't bother him. You are an awesome woman, and deep down he knows it.

He may never be strong enough or healed enough to try to regain a relationship with Awesome You!, but somewhere deep inside, he knows the truth.