Your post. Well, both. I needed the 2X4. I have been wallowing, and that is not like me. I cried myself to sleep last night, as a matter of fact. Day by day.... looking too far ahead is overwhelming.
Am going to visit my son today for lunch. If you were good at getting subtle clues, you would know where that is!!! Big Ten, Baby. Big Ten.
I have been baking cookies all morning for him. I'm a sucker for these kids!!!
What do you have planned for today?
How's running going? I have a question for you- how long does it take to build up to a 5k? I don't run at all now...but I do aerobics 2-3 times a week. I know its not the same, but I can do the 45 min class with no major troubles. How should I start training?
It is actually warming up in my neck of the woods.
40 degrees.
Snow is melting.
I hear the weather is beautiful by you.
Hope you weekend is great.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
You do these cryptic posts often! I wonder why you never eloborate on what you are feeling? Come on, you don't have to be as verbose as TP and I.... somewhere in the middle?
Hope you had a fabulous Sunday!
We will get thru the week (especially Saturday) just fine!
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
went to the "new" church alone today. i feel that is where i am suppose to be ..for d12 for sure and maybe for me. it is small...i liked big..it is not dynamic..i liked dynamic..but it is friendly and it seems like a place we can dig it.. Anyway - alone.... and in that i realized (yet again) that EVERYTHING that we do in life, whether married, divorced or single HAS to be alone - if it is really for us. So ALONE is good - but alone was HARD! VERY HARD!
Also, I found out some things this week about my life with my xh. About who he really was. Found out that what had brought us here (literally to the state we are in) had happened before.. he had been fired a time before and I never knew why...now I do. THAT has brought on alot of emotions and thoughts.
What else? My counseling right now is tough...really tough..really deep. So many things inside of me that are holding me back from ALLOWING myself to see hte truth of who xh is.
I am struggling with other stuff too..
Like...if I go on and become happy and whole..to me that says "then everyhting that xh did to you was for you good..that him leaving you, ripping out your heart etc. it was all good..." SEE I can't differentiate between that being hard and bad and me choosing to live and have a healthy life without him as good.
My c was so frustrated saturday his face turned red..it was kinda funny...
i feel like another layer of me is being stripped. EVERY TIME I get to an "even" zone I go through more pain... I cried alot yesterday...cried. AND I KNOW my family is sick of it adn wants me to get over it and that puts more pressure on me...cause i too want to ....but i cant just flip the switch and they want me to.
and as many on the board you see your x and they seem so ok. Your head knows different..but not your heart..
so that kinda sums it up...
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
So sorry you're having a rough couple of days. I know exactly what you mean about being alone. It is HARD.
Thinking about selling my house is hard, because in one way I'm looking forward to moving to a new place that is just mine and the kids, with no memories of H there, but on the other hand, it just reinforces to me that I AM ALONE in all of it. Yes, I know God is always there with me, but it is daunting not to have the strong, male, human presence by my side that was there for so long.
Quote:
Like...if I go on and become happy and whole..to me that says "then everyhting that xh did to you was for you good..that him leaving you, ripping out your heart etc. it was all good..." SEE I can't differentiate between that being hard and bad and me choosing to live and have a healthy life without him as good.
I totally get it.....at least I think I do!
It's like I don't want people to be able to say to me in a year or two or five..."Hey, TP, aren't you so much happier now? H leaving you was the best thing that ever could have happened to you!"
It's almost like it lets exH off the hook---like it makes what he did okay. But I don't like that. I don't feel that way. Just because I'm surviving it and learning to make the best of it, and maybe someday will finally be able to be happy again should NEVER make what he did to me and to his children okay.
I struggle with this, too. I know the Bible says that God can take any and every situation and use it for the good of those who believe in Him, but it's almost like I don't WANT that!
And how does that make sense, for heaven's sake!!!???
Originally Posted By: cagzmom
AND I KNOW my family is sick of it adn wants me to get over it and that puts more pressure on me...cause i too want to ....but i cant just flip the switch and they want me to.
Yep, I'm hearing that more and more now, too. "It's been long enough, now." "We were all hoping he would come to his senses, and that hasn't happened, so it's time to move one." "This is how things are going to be now, and you just have to accept it."
Yes, I know that, thanks. But them telling me those things, and me knowing it in my head doesn't make it any easier for my heart to accept.
Some days are easier, and some days are still just really, really HARD.
I'll be sending prayers your way today.
Me:40, xH:41 M:19 T:21 D14, S10, D6 IDLYA bomb:12/22/06 OW bomb (21 yr. old employee):12/23/06 H move out 2/07, OW move in 5/07 D papers served 6/07 D final Nov. 26, 08 :-(
