Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[cagzmom]

I would agree tp that they are possesive. We were "THE WIFE" and that is where we will remain.

I am not making much out of it --- but it was interesting to say the least.

[CMNM]

Hey!
What's been going on? Do anything fun this weekend?
Hugs,
P.

[cagzmom]

My d and stitch and life just keeps causing me to have to heal WHO I am. what a pain! HA! for real though... that is where I am.

Over the past month or so I have come to realize just how broken I CAME into this marriage. AND how I "used" xh to glue me together-- which is impossible.. AND NOW it is time for me to HEAL and rebuild.

let me tell ya....this stuff is hard. the pain of the bomb etc that was painful...this is like HARD.

[cagzmom]

ouch - hurt- pain- and will i see any growth?
dont know..

this is hard.

[TRUSTING]

You have grown beyond measure.

You will continue to bud into the beautiful person you are.

I believe if you continue to do what is right before God, you will be blessed.

In this MLC, we have to deal with so much pain. It comes in such different forms too.

The pain I am experiencing now is watching ex self-destruct into oblivion.

His anger is not so much at me anymore.

He is directing it at himself.

Don't get me wrong, he still blames me, but it is so obvious he is just trying to convince himself.

I am preparing the upstairs guest room for your visit.

Hurry up.....

[cagzmom]

Be careful what you wish for!! flights are pretty cheap right now and your area in the spring is not so scarey!! HA!!

Thank you for the kudos T. Dealing with some pretty deep stuff. and it is so easy to "do" what is good for you when you are sitting on a computer - typing..it is the daily action that is tough.

Your x is cycling.... the depression is a hard one to watch. protect your kiddos... i know you will.

[cagzmom]

Trying to not use the word "trying" anymore.

Coming to learn that through letting go you have to truly detach. I think in the beginning of all of this that caused me the most fear. I remember so well when xh moved out - and moved closer to his work. I told C then, he won't even know me anymore- he wont see the changes in me. C agreed, and XH did not see anything other than what HIS plans were and what HE wanted. When he left I was the furthest thing from his mind -- and that remains the same today.

So, what I have come to is that all my fussing and fretting and crying has been for what? For the loss of the man that I loved. NOT for the loss of a marriage where 2 were one...because in the end there was only 1 and that 1 was me.

Detaching means letting go of the "Dream" and bringing to reality what is. What is? Well my xh left his family, left me and decided to try something different. He decided that he would search high and low to "find" whatever it is that he thinks he never had. My xh is NOT who I married adn yes I believe in for better or worse adn I believe in the messed up mind and dillusio that the MLC'r suffers. BUT I ALSO believe that DETACHING and letting them go to do whatever it is that they are going to do - without WATCHING or SEEKIGN them out is the BEST thing for me.

AND on teh flip side? IT IS THE HARDEST thing. I dont want to let go of the dream of a "happily ever after.." I dont want to let go of what i thought I had. I don't want to let go of someone whom I LOVED. BUT this side... the side of hurt and pain and longing... I don't like it.

What does it mean? NOTHING to him. AND EVERYTHING to me. Because as I have learned through watching his mlc. IT NEVER was about me -- and by doign this it makes MY LIFE about ME. He left and it wasn't about me - it was about his messed up mind.

I am reclaiming my life. If XH decides at some point that he woudl like to venture into my life - take a peek inside I am sure I will let him in. BUT I WONT live in a lie that he wants to or that he may want to. Can't do that anymore.

Detaching from the dream.

[kissak]

Hey Cagzmom...just stopping in to say Hi!

[cagzmom]

hi kissak..hope you are well. i need to pop over to your thread. I will try this weekend.

read the best thing - doing a devotional called "HOPE". The lady who wrote it lost 2 children within the first year of life. One died and they years later they had another child - and it too died. She talks about grieving, healing and the loss of dreams etc. It is good.

Anyway - yesterday and todays were so good - and ones taht cause us to take action. it was about CHOOSING LIFE. In Deut. 30 it talks about Gods call and He says that there are 2 choices before us ..life and death. What am I choosing? The blessing comes when we choose LIFE....

Then today she talked about a lady who had lost her child - HER DREAM was to be a mom, have a family. But she and her husband had llike a 99% chance of going through the same thing again because of their genetics. So the idea of having a "family" was probably not goign to happen for her

Anyway -- she said "you mean God would not give me the desire of my heart..not allow me to have MY DREAM...." and what the author said is huge in my spirit. I so related with her. MY DREAM was taken from me too. AND I have thought that very thing. That MY Dream was BIGGER and BETTER than God's dream/plan for me. So -- there is the challenge.... to begin to BELIEVE that GOD has a DREAM/PLAN for me that could actually be better - bigger then what I even wanted.

Then to "close" teh deal i was reading another devotional today -- it talked about faith an how we can drive a car 60+miles per hour on a highway with 2 lanes of traffic. The little 6" line sepearting us... and the other cars are coming at us at 60+ miles per hour... AND WE DRIVE in "faith" that we will be safe...but we can't trust GOD? WOW!! that hit me over the head!!! And I have to be honest and say -- no I think my dream was best for me... (AND THAT IS SO MESSED UP!!)

I want to get to the point where I TRULY believe that GOD HIMSELF and HIS plan for me is BETTER than any dream i could ever have.

so in letting go -
in moving forward-
in letting go of hurt and resentment -

i am reaching for His dream for me. AND right now I have no clue.....it is dark and unknown -- a place for a control freak like me that causes uneasiness. But I HAVE TO BELIEVE--- i have to.

[CMNM]

Wow Cagz.
That was a wonderful thing to read.
And something I really needed to hear.

Thank you.

You have grown so much- it embarrasses me that I allow myself to get stuck after all this time!

Hugs.
P.