<Sigh> I hate that I had to see him, that my 4 months of NC have pretty much gone done the drain. I woke up to a couple of different emails from him. See, now he is feeling really good because he gets to act like the shiny knight saving the day. I have to just swollow it all until the D is final.
THe first email was him thanking me once again for opening up to him and explaining some of the reasons behind the decisions I made. He is glad to see that we are not thinking the worst of eachother, that we are trying to rebuild trust. <Snort> Yeah, right, like Im going to trust him with anything and I still think he is a no good mother F'er who deserves every bad thing that comes his way. I swear he must not have heard half of what I said because I really let him have it. Even said I didnt know how he could look at himself in the mirror, that he should be so filled with shame over what he has done.....anyway, I digress. In his email he tells me that he has made Jan house payment and that he is giving me some money. It is still $1000 short of what he is suppose to give me. I was so pissed off. He is expecting me to pat him on the back and thank him when he still is not fulfilling his obligations. What a self centered @ss!
I replied back that I am glad he has finally made a house payment but he still owes me more than what he just gave me. I also told him not to worry about trying to change the insurance because if he was agreeable on Wed, we could be D in 30-45 days. That was not enough time to get my surgery scheduled. I said I am just going to have to learn to get by w/o coverage. He responds back that I will have cobra for 3 years.....um, no I wont. I cant afford the $500 a month payment. He said that you never know what Wed will bring. He is trying to make me think that he is going to take care of me. Last time he made that promise, he came back offering a 1/3 of the alimony that the courts would have granted me. He is just such a smuck. I think it is sad that he is still trying to seek my approval for things so that he doesnt have to feel so bad for what he has done. After all, if I can be grateful to him then he must be an ok kind of guy. It is so clear to me now. I can see it for the BS it is. It is all about him, has nothing to do with actually doing the right thing for me or Owen. I am trying not to rock the boat until Wed in hopes of getting an easier settlement. Once that paper is signed it is NC all the way. Life is so much easier when I dont have to deal with him. ITs funny, me going NC really really bothered him. GUess he will get a taste of it agian when things are done. GOd, I miss the peace that I had there for awhile, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel.......
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
Hey, BH. I feel the same way. The more I NC the more peace and calmness I feel. The WAS are kind of crazy it seems like. Just a short time for you and then you can NC as much as you want. I'm glad you're trying to work with him keeping in mind that it's just a little while longer. It sounds like you're doing pretty good.
I get the anger sometimes too. My H told me a month or 2 ago, I should trust him rather than my L. Hah! To be honest, I think he's less trustworthy than my L, but I've learned to be less trusting. I was the kind of person that trusted 100% of people 100% of the time. And that's just not gonna work for me anyway. Now people have to earn my trust, or not as the case may be. I pray and read the Bible and I'm hoping with time the anger will get better. B/c I think it hurts me more than it does anyone else. Karen
Karen, I believe this journey leaves us with scars.....like making people earn our trust, but we are the ones who get to decided how deep they go. DO we keep picking at those wounds over and over again or do we just leave them alone to finally heal over. I feel have come to a place where I no longer keep opening up myself to that pain, and the NC was the bandage I needed to leave it alone and heal. SOunds like you are right there with me.
I had my meeting Wed morning to try and fianlize the terms for the D. I should have known with OEO so messed up in the head that things would not go as planed. It was me, my lawyer, OEO and his lawyer. Talk about one expensive day! Anyway.....So, I get there at 9 am and start to go over things with my attorney. We talk about visitation, maintenance, property division, debt division. Me and my L have our proposal all lined out to talk with them. They show up and we go through it all and I can see OEO getting angry. After we are done presenting it to them, they go into a different conference room and are in there for over an hour talking. Then his L comes and ask to talk to my L alone. SHe starts off by saying OEO is just devistated. THere really isnt anything to talk about and they have nothing to come back to the table with at this point. My L says, back up...what do you mean there is nothing to talk about. Cynthia (his L), our clients NEED us to negotiate this out. They dont have the money to fight over this stuff in court. She says that they have a problem with the dollar amount we proposed for maintenance. OEO was completely crushed over me only offering him the bare minimum for visitation (Wed and every other weekend). OEO does not like how I structured the debt division and they need to go over that as well (um, hello, I split the d@mn debt in half @sshole!). So, the next thing I know OEO and his L are packing up their stuff and leaving. Reminded me of our meditaion appointment all over again. My L keeps telling me it is not a bad thing, we made some progress and that they just need to take some time to process the information.
I just dont get it. Everything we proposed was incredibly reasonable. I made sure of that. I was not going in with a screw you attitude, but with a "lets spilt it all 50/50 and be on our way". Why cant he stomache that? And to not even be able to come back with a counter offer....WTF? He was even crying right before he left. I think it is kind of sad that he is the one who has wanted this, yet I dont think he really has processed what it really means....oh well, I just sat there with no emotional attachment to him anymore. He would not look at me, but I had no problem looking at him. To me this was just business.
THe last thing my L talked to me about is how OEO is still so pissed that he cant spend his weekend here at the house. He told me "Look BH, if I was his L I would be telling him to get an apartment asap. It will lower the alimony that he will have to pay to you because his expenses are calculated into it as well. SH, we need him to stay living with his girlfriend right now. We are only talking about 2 maybe 3 weekends that he will get to stay there before all of this is settled. It is in your best interest to let him come into the home." ARRGGGG!!!!! So, I said if he gives me just a bit more money so that it will cover my expenses for that weekend, then fine, he can come into the home. What a waste of a day.................
After I got home, I knew he was very upset and thought to myself "Hmm, seems like things will go better if I just reach out to him. So, I sent him an email saying I was sorry that he felt things went so badly that he needed to leave and not come back with his own proposal. I told him that I was just looking forward to getting this over with and was trying to be fair. He responded back with how he could not believe that I was so manipulative and he felt played. I told him that was not my intent, could he explain why he felt that way.....anyway, after appearing to be completely open to him (which I am way too smart to actually do, just give him pieces of information to make him feel better) he was once again thanking me over and over again for all of the wonderful communication.
See, I get it now....as long as I stroke him some and make him feel better he gets to avoid all of the guilt that is eating away at him. This then allows me to ultimately get what I need. I have no feeling for him anymore and realize that it is my best interest to play nice until the D is over. He will be more willing to work with me if he thinks we are still "friends". Whatever. Once the papers are singed it is NC all the way again. I still will not let him see me or talk with me on the phone. The only enteraction we have at this point is email, but that is still too much for my taste. I dont want him in my life at all. I only hope it will end soon.....................
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I wanted to take a few moments and post my thoughts on my journey. Saturday it will be a year ago that he moved out. A year ago that my life completely changed and the fairy tale ended. I can remember believing that I could not live with out him, that I would shrivel up and die. Then as time passed, I knew I would survive, but still didnt really want to if he wasnt going to be there. Those feelings then transitioned into not wanting him to survive, to finally where I am today - only thinking of him as a sad little man that is truly broken.
I have found myself in this journey and have found my happiness. You never truly see how lonely you are in an empty relationship until others step in and give you the love you were missing. I thought when OEO left me I would never be loved again. Well the truth is I am now loved more than ever, my definition has just been changed. I have connected with my friends in a true and meaningful way that was lacking before. I always reserved that love for my husband. Now I know better.
In the begining I focused only on what a wonderful marriage I was losing. I could not understand how he could break us apart when we were so obviously soul mates. Later, I only focused on the negative aspects of our relationship. How could I have been so blind to how selfish this man has always been??? Now I realized that for 17 out of our 20 years together, there were good and bad. I am glad to have expierence the positives with him, and am trying to learn from the negatives, both his and mine. I learned what to look for next time around and what to stand up for as well. No longer will I play second fiddle to my own needs. No longer will I allow my boundaries to be crossed. They are there to protect me and my love that I give out.
From this site I have learned how to focus one minute at a time, then one hour, one day, one whatever. I learned to do what I needed to do just to cope and then to grow and finally to live. I am not the same person he left. I am better an more fulfilled. Ironic how the person he left bloosomed back into the person he fell in love with, but this time even stronger and healthier. He put me into a crisis that forced me to learn. It made me see the things in myself that I didnt like and then change them. I am glad I was given that gift, still hate the paper it came in. He, on the other hand, has digressed and has fallen even further. He craves the "fun" friends as to the meaningful ones. THey are easier to maintain and require little giving. I know that I am the last person he will have truly bonded with because he no longer is capable of be able to give of himself in that way. It is sad for him, but it actually helps me to know that I was the best thing that happend to him and he will never have me again. It gives me closure to know this and that I will be the one who is better off.....h#ll, I already am.
Its funny, when I first came here I refused to believe that my husband was following the same script as everyone else. I thought to the core of my being that he truly was different......didnt we all though? I got the same ILYNILWY speech that everyone got. I was told how this was all my fault just like everyone else. I even found out about there being an OP, just like most of us here do. For some reason, it still didnt click. For any newbies that might read this, they are all the same, they truly are. What finally convinced me was when we were having a conversation and he told me that he just had not been happy in the marriage for over ten years. I smiled inside and thought to myself "I was wondering when that little speech was going to happen. Guess now it has."
The ugliness that they exhibit is pretty standard as well. When I filed for divorce because he refused to attend MC with me and told me he wanted our R over with, he pulled his money and tried to cut me off. When I would act like his friend in hopes of establishing R, he was your typical cake eater.....loving the attention both women were giving to him. He would lie to my face, steal things from the house, and always play the victum no matter what the situation was. H#ll, I was fighting cancer and he STILL managed to make everything about him. Then, when I finally went NC, darker than the blackest night, wow did the meaness start.....threatening to try and take my child away from me, draining every penny from the bank account, trying to force the home into foreclosure, utilities getting disconnected.....its a wonder I didnt go mad. If I would not have had this site, I probably would have crumbled into a million pieces. Instead, all the strong LBS here helped me to keep standing and to keep fighting.
So here I am....a year later. No longer affraid to get divorced, actually looking forward to it. He, on the other hand, has now become the one to drag things out. Gee, isnt that in MLC the book as well? Once reality starts to set in on what divorce life is going to look like, the MLCers try and avoid facing it because it becomes too overwhelming for them. <Sigh> Guess it will eventually get done, that is what my lawyer is for. I need to read the script again because I dont know what comes next. From what I remember it is one of two things......he marries his OW as soon as possible and lives an empty, sad, shallow life that eventually becomes full of regret......or........they crash and burn and he shows up on my doorstep begging for a second chance (that is if I dont already have someone else). These two situations I have prepared for and both are the same - dont focus on his life at all, only focus on mine. He is no longer allowed to be a visitor in my kingdom. This princess deserves a prince and when I am ready, I will find him. Enlighten Fools my not apply!
Broken Hearted ------------------ Me - 36 H - 37 S - 8 Married - 1992 ILYNILWY - August 2007 Moved Out - March 2008 OW Revieled - May 28, 2008 Filed for D - July 2, 2008
I know that I am the last person he will have truly bonded with because he no longer is capable of be able to give of himself in that way.
I also try to remember that my xH loved me as best he could. While I saw myself giving my 'all' to stay married, he also gave his all. Its just a different amount of 'all', not good, not bad. His choices were bad after he gave up (the A, etc), but before that, he gave all he could.
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Its funny, when I first came here I refused to believe that my husband was following the same script as everyone else.
Yup. Did that too.
I agree with Katie/Gypsy. Time for a new name....'healingheart' maybe...
I also try to remember that my xH loved me as best he could. While I saw myself giving my 'all' to stay married, he also gave his all. Its just a different amount of 'all', not good, not bad. His choices were bad after he gave up (the A, etc), but before that, he gave all he could.
you took the words out of my mouth... I believe the same, at the time he was a good H trying his best to live a good life, after he left and let all that was good being drained out by bad friends, binge drinking and ow there was nothing left of that good person who loved me, whom I was proud of getting married with. That hust that pretends to be him is not the man I married, we got married loving each other with a future planned, he didnt' marry me because he was lonely desperate & miserable... that kind of M is what he will be having as soon as the D papers come through, in a week or so.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I wanted to take a few moments and post my thoughts on my journey. Saturday it will be a year ago that he moved out. A year ago that my life completely changed and the fairy tale ended. I can remember believing that I could not live with out him, that I would shrivel up and die. Then as time passed, I knew I would survive, but still didnt really want to if he wasnt going to be there. Those feelings then transitioned into not wanting him to survive, to finally where I am today - only thinking of him as a sad little man that is truly broken.
Hi BH,
I saw this post from a R2C link. All I can say is Wow, you sound so strong. Thanks for your words, they help all of us stay strong.
Jireh
H42 W36 M9 yrs D8 D5 d-day: 21/11/07 S and moved out: 22/2/08 Still S: 22/11/10
