Continuing to work for your M versus letting go and moving on is simply a decision you make for yourself. Detaching makes you stronger so that you can optimize whatever you decide is right for you.
So the answer is yes, it does make it easier to move on if that is your choice. It also increases the possibility of reconciliation since it frees you up to be a stronger person with a better attitude, and makes you more desirable to your WAS.
You decide which road is right for you. DBing takes the rocks out of your backpack so the journey is not quite as hard, and you can hold your head up during the journey.
lol I'm analogy man lately.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Well I had a week that started off well from a great weekend with my wife & kids and then I went away on a business trip and when I got back she was very cold, withdrawn, borderline angry, etc. I asked her if everything was ok and why she was acting the way she was (smart a$$ comments, poor attitude, etc.) and she told me she can feel anyway she wants to feel. It basically threw me for a loop, it's hard to stay on this rollercoaster, 1 weekend she is angry, another she is happy. When I got back from my trip, I had the kids for a few days last week and I asked her if she could watch the kids for a couple of hours in the evening while I went to the gym (hadn't gone in a while), she came by and watched them but was still cold & distant - didn't know why. I went to the gym, did my thing, came back and tried not to pay attention to her bad behavior. The next day same thing, I asked her if she could watch the kids for a couple of hours while I went to the gym (I've done the same thing for her countless times in the past and these were the only 2 times I had ever asked her to do this). A friend called me and asked to come by my place, I came home after the gym, told her thank you for watching the kids and told her my friend was coming over for a visit, well she flipped, got so angry and told me I could find another !@#$%$ babysitter in the future - I was like WOW!!! Totally didn't expect that response. The weekend that followed, I got rude phone calls, txt msg's, etc. I've often heard that hate & love are two shades of the same emotion but this was too much even for me. I told her I wouldn't ask her for favors anymore since she responded so poorly and she could use all the foul language & poor attitude she wanted. I also told her she would apologize for how she talked to me and her poor attitude. I haven't gotten an apology yet but she did text me this morning to ask me to say good morning to the kids and when I was dropping them off. When I didn't reply quickly at first, she texted again but this time adding "Good Morning Rob" to the same text msg she sent earlier, I then responded back telling her good morning and when I would bring the kids by.
I just don't feel like rewarding her bad behavior anymore, I'm not afraid to fight with her but won't get sucked into every pissing match just for the sake of it.
She is influenced heavily by her family & friends (I wish I had as much influence as they did), she currently lives back home with her mom & dad and she deals with a form of depression (possibly even some form of bipolar) and I know that sometimes her outbursts may be caused by these problems but I need her to know that I'm not going to shrink back into my corner and become a doormat for her to walk all over when she has these attitude changes & becomes angry.
Was standing up the right thing to do? Should I have told my friend to stay home instead of inviting him over when she may have wanted to stay a while longer?
We went from having a really great weekend last weekend filled with alot of physical intimacy to barely talking this weekend.
It's like any progress I make gets destroyed by events like this? It really is discouraging, we've been separated for 1 year & 2 months and it's times like this that I wonder if the writing is on the wall and I just don't want to read it.
Thoughts/Comments? Anyone else go through similar episodes?
Standing up for yourself is fine. Remember you can have boundaries, you don't have to compromise your values. It is how you enforce those boundaries that matters. Try switching roles in your head and think about a way that she could stand up to you that you would respect her for.
Getting sucked into a fight and angry words is certainly not the way, but yeah I know how hard it can be, I did exactly that this weekend.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
I'm not pursuing her/chasing her and when we do spend time together, I do try to make it pleasant and I know that she does have fun when we're together doing something as a family. We don't go out on "dates" or outings without the kids and the times she does spend over at our place, she probably gets the 3rd degree from her parents (she's 35 but they still treat her like a little kid asking where she is, why she's going out, etc. and I'm sure it bothers them quite a bit if she spends the night at our place).
The times that she is acting nicely towards me, she texts me and asks me "how's it going?" and "hi, what r u up to?" and I do respond back in a very positive manner, I want to meet her positive energy with the same so that she feels comfortable to continue talking or txting and she usually does.
Maybe I should limit my contact after what happened this weekend, limit my responses, don't show any emotion, try not to be to attentive to her and only respond in a minimal matter.
After a year+ of being separated and truthfully only recently applying techniques like these books (I also purchased a program from Mort Fertel, anyone have any experience with his stuff?).
Do I smother her in kindness and be super nice to her all the time even if she gets angry and gives me attitude and acts poorly?
I read somewhere on this site about dating other people to make your spouse jealous - any thoughts on this? Is this safe? Does it work?
I also read somewhere that you should apply these divorce busting techniques for a year and after that, if you haven't gotten back together, you know you tried your best and should proceed with getting a divorce. My wife has initiated filing for divorce and I get the feeling that if left to her initiative she could possibly leave this as is forever and I'm certainly not cool with that. Spending years in limbo rather than enjoying a loving relationship is not my choice on how to spend my life and probably doesn't set a good example for our children either.
I have rec'd my books: the divorce remedy and divorce busting, they read "step by step" instructions to get your spouse back but going through them, they are more or less a list of examples of other couples, I don't see the step by step instruction part that she is referring to (I could be blind).
All the time - I think you did the absolute right thing by standing up to her.
She may not like it, but she'll respect it if you handle it in a calm rational manner. Don't let ANY spite or anger come back from you, or it'll ruin it.
W has called me all spitting fire, and when I respond calmly and rationally, she backs way down, and ends up usually feeling stupid.
I would just avoid your W at this point honestly. If she isn't willing to explain to you what the deal is, then you're just going to keep hurting yourself.
I did that - kept hurting myself over and over again. I went COMPLETELY dark on her a week ago, and it is awesome now. Incredibly painful the first 3 days, but I'm over the hump.
Of course, after being cold and distant, she has started texting me nice things, asking me to watch kids, etc.
I am not going to "ride the roller coaster", and until your W is willing to get some bipolar medication, or show some consistency, I think the best thing is to back off.
You asked nicely if everything was OK, and you got a nasty response. Don't honor that. I tell my W if she can't have a rational conversation with me, I'm going to hang up.
Also, find another babysitter - if she doesn't want to have an opportunity to spend time with kids, then fine. I will bend over backwards to be with my kids if I possibly can!
Standing up for yourself is fine. Remember you can have boundaries, you don't have to compromise your values. It is how you enforce those boundaries that matters. Try switching roles in your head and think about a way that she could stand up to you that you would respect her for.
Getting sucked into a fight and angry words is certainly not the way, but yeah I know how hard it can be, I did exactly that this weekend.
I feel kind of selfish putting my schtick out there and I don't offer to ask others how they're doing so please feel free to comment on your own situation here, I wouldn't consider it hijacking a thread, I think we can all learn by hearing about each other's situations and how we dealt with them.
I haven't read about the "going dark" technique (is it in the book), it's kind of hard to do that when you have kids that you share with your spouse, you want to hear about your kids and if necessary discuss them, "going dark" in my situation may make me come off as an unfeeling brute who doesn't care about how his kids are doing plus I like to say goodnight to them every night, tell them I love them, ask about their day, etc. They're too young to pick up the phone and dial themselves so I have to contact my wife to ask her to speak with them (and she does the same when I have them).
All the time - I think you did the absolute right thing by standing up to her.
She may not like it, but she'll respect it if you handle it in a calm rational manner. Don't let ANY spite or anger come back from you, or it'll ruin it.
W has called me all spitting fire, and when I respond calmly and rationally, she backs way down, and ends up usually feeling stupid.
I would just avoid your W at this point honestly. If she isn't willing to explain to you what the deal is, then you're just going to keep hurting yourself.
I did that - kept hurting myself over and over again. I went COMPLETELY dark on her a week ago, and it is awesome now. Incredibly painful the first 3 days, but I'm over the hump.
Of course, after being cold and distant, she has started texting me nice things, asking me to watch kids, etc.
I am not going to "ride the roller coaster", and until your W is willing to get some bipolar medication, or show some consistency, I think the best thing is to back off.
You asked nicely if everything was OK, and you got a nasty response. Don't honor that. I tell my W if she can't have a rational conversation with me, I'm going to hang up.
Also, find another babysitter - if she doesn't want to have an opportunity to spend time with kids, then fine. I will bend over backwards to be with my kids if I possibly can!
I often wonder if standing up is the right thing to do because it's almost like welcoming an argument and constant arguing got us where we are right now (us meaning my wife & I).
She got very angry when I told her that if she couldn't watch the kids that I would ask my mom and she doesn't like my mom (no worries, it's not a requirement) so it's possible that because I had a backup to her saying no to watching the kids that she got angry (or angrier, she was already in a mood).
I like that part about the rational conversation and if she can't do that, I will not talk to her until she can do that.
Part of my problem (my marriage's problems) was that I loved my wife so much that I was afraid to lose her when we were going out, got engaged, got married, etc. I told her this often and she knew it was the truth and she took advantage of it. When you don't love yourself as much as your spouse and your spouse knows this, it's possibly a subconscious thing but they lose alot of respect for you and walk all over you like a doormat. I learned this the hard way but alot has changed in the past year and I'm not the doormat anymore, I don't allow anyone to treat me badly. It's not that I walk around "guarded", it's just that i don't tolerate that kind of behavior, I have alot of self-respect and my self-esteem is much better now and I'm a better person for it, regardless if I'm separated from my wife or not.
All the time - I think you did the absolute right thing by standing up to her.
She may not like it, but she'll respect it if you handle it in a calm rational manner. Don't let ANY spite or anger come back from you, or it'll ruin it.
W has called me all spitting fire, and when I respond calmly and rationally, she backs way down, and ends up usually feeling stupid.
I would just avoid your W at this point honestly. If she isn't willing to explain to you what the deal is, then you're just going to keep hurting yourself.
I did that - kept hurting myself over and over again. I went COMPLETELY dark on her a week ago, and it is awesome now. Incredibly painful the first 3 days, but I'm over the hump.
Of course, after being cold and distant, she has started texting me nice things, asking me to watch kids, etc.
I am not going to "ride the roller coaster", and until your W is willing to get some bipolar medication, or show some consistency, I think the best thing is to back off.
You asked nicely if everything was OK, and you got a nasty response. Don't honor that. I tell my W if she can't have a rational conversation with me, I'm going to hang up.
Also, find another babysitter - if she doesn't want to have an opportunity to spend time with kids, then fine. I will bend over backwards to be with my kids if I possibly can!
I often wonder if standing up is the right thing to do because it's almost like welcoming an argument and constant arguing got us where we are right now (us meaning my wife & I).
She got very angry when I told her that if she couldn't watch the kids that I would ask my mom and she doesn't like my mom (no worries, it's not a requirement) so it's possible that because I had a backup to her saying no to watching the kids that she got angry (or angrier, she was already in a mood).
I like that part about the rational conversation and if she can't do that, I will not talk to her until she can do that.
Part of my problem (my marriage's problems) was that I loved my wife so much that I was afraid to lose her when we were going out, got engaged, got married, etc. I told her this often and she knew it was the truth and she took advantage of it. When you don't love yourself as much as your spouse and your spouse knows this, it's possibly a subconscious thing but they lose alot of respect for you and walk all over you like a doormat. I learned this the hard way but alot has changed in the past year and I'm not the doormat anymore, I don't allow anyone to treat me badly. It's not that I walk around "guarded", it's just that i don't tolerate that kind of behavior, I have alot of self-respect and my self-esteem is much better now and I'm a better person for it, regardless if I'm separated from my wife or not.
before I left for my recent business trip, she did come over, gave me a hug, told me to have a safe trip (I was driving) and she gave me some snacks she had made for me to eat while I was driving (some peanut butter oatmeal squares which were surprisingly good or maybe I was just damn hungry - LOL!)
I called her during the trip and left a quick voicemail to let her know that I appreciated the snacks, I was very hungry that morning and they really hit the spot (it was the truth), the voicemail maybe lasted 10 seconds. When she got it, she texted my cell and said thanks for the voicemail and she told me I was very welcome and that she was glad that I liked them and followed it with a happy face emoticon.
So when the mood strikes her, she can be very warm & friendly and making me a snack for my road trip I think shows that she cares for me (even if just a little bit) but she is guarded because she doesn't want to get pulled in and make me think that it means something (that's what she says during other similar occurrences).
What are your thoughts on going out to restaurants with her & the kids? I always pick up the cheque at the end of the meal, should I let her do this every now & then, get her to invest a little bit in me since I'm always doing it or should I just pick up the cheque and not worry about it. I read somewhere that it's good to have your separated spouse invest in you as much as you do in them because something becomes more important & valuable when you invest more time & resources into.
Yes I'm very yappy today, it's been a while since i've posted an update ;-)
Hey Rob... you don't know me, so let me introduce myself first. I am Ian and I have been on the boards since 10/06. There... I am now qualified
Couple of things here......
Quote:
After a year+ of being separated and truthfully only recently applying techniques like these books (I also purchased a program from Mort Fertel, anyone have any experience with his stuff?).
I wouldn't spend any money on Mort, he will send you a daily email that is pretty good, but the rest is basically DB techniques that you have to pay for... you get more info on these boards.
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I read somewhere on this site about dating other people to make your spouse jealous - any thoughts on this? Is this safe? Does it work?
Simple answer, would you like to be divorced??? If yes, go ahead and date. Look Rob, your a married man. Your still honoring your vows and hanging on to restore your marriage and family right? Do not do anything that you will regret if and when she decides to reconcile. Jealousy is not the reason you want her to come back into the marriage, her love for you and your kids is the reason. Many many people have fallen into this trap, it's all about loneliness and need for companionship. Buy a dog, hang out with friends, whatever you need to do.
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I also read somewhere that you should apply these divorce busting techniques for a year and after that, if you haven't gotten back together, you know you tried your best and should proceed with getting a divorce.
Don't worry about time frames,just focus on what is within your span of control and that is your behavior, your actions, and your commitment to your family.
Quote:
I have rec'd my books: the divorce remedy and divorce busting, they read "step by step" instructions to get your spouse back but going through them, they are more or less a list of examples of other couples, I don't see the step by step instruction part that she is referring to (I could be blind).
There is no cookie cutter answers Rob, it's a guideline and based on your situation you gauge what applies to you. I don't know if you have used the coaches or not, but they are excellent. I used Chuck when I started here and he was amazing. They really help you to focus on what aspects of DBing apply to your situation and can guide you to some realistic steps for you to take that can help.
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Maybe I should limit my contact after what happened this weekend, limit my responses, don't show any emotion, try not to be to attentive to her and only respond in a minimal matter.
You have the typical problem of most newbies. You seem to overthink things to death instead of just letting go and accepting. My biggest mistake I made in my first 6 months was overanalyzing every interaction, every mood swing, and every feeling that I had. My advice, figure out how to stop doing this to yourself. Let go, accept where you are today and simply be yourself. Work on you and your life. Look at what you did wrong in the marriage and try to figure out how to improve on it. Take this time as a gift, a gift in that you now have some time to "fix" you so that you will be a better husband either for your wife, or future relationships.
You said in an earlier post that you do not want to reward bad behavior. I agree, except you also want to avoid it. Do not get into conversations about it right now. Odds are she doesnt even know why she has attitude. You asking her also tells her you are watching her every attitude or move. If she gets like that, remove yourself from the situation rather than pursuing the answers to why she's pissed or being bitchy. Reality is, as a guy with his world turned upside down, you aren't asking her what is wrong with her, you are asking her what you did wrong....big difference.
So look, what I think you need to clearly see here is that separation is not marriage ending, it is an opportunity to step up to the plate. It is an opportunity to show her that you are not simply self absorbed and the kind of guy that will do the woe is me thing because your marriage is struggling.
Now is the time for you to be a champion, a knight in shining armor so to speak. It is a time for you to show your wife what she means to you and that you have the ability to step up and carry her while she is in a weakened state.
So answer these simple questions Rob....
1. Do you understand that this is hurting her inside just as much as it is hurting you?
2. Do you understand that she has feelings and it is not simply a "hey I dont like you anymore so go away" type of thing that causes separation in marriage?
3. Are you capable of letting go of the selfish nature of men and instead of looking at this as a how could she do this to me ordeal, looking at it as an opportunity for personal growth and to strengthen your marriage by being the man that she needs you to be?
Many men in this situation tend to lose their focus on what this is all about and they for some reason loose all capability of empathy for the woman that they love. They believe that they have been hurt and abandoned. Well, reality is that your wife probably felt that way for many months before coming to a point of walking out. She probably felt the way that you do right now with the only difference being that she had to just keep living with it every day until she simply couldn't take anymore. In other words, this situation did not start the day she dropped the bomb Rob, it started long ago when the two of you forget that a marriage needs tending to and is not just going to be fine with no work put into it.
I will finish with this, I know this is a lot to absorb. I think it's important that you let go of the hurt and clear your mind of anything except for working hard to save your marriage. Once you feel clear, sit down and read the books, do not read them as your saving grace, read them as self help books that are the model for things you can do and work on to improve yourself as a man/husband and hopefully those changes will cause the magnetism that initially attracted your wife to you. Not one of us guys were the perfect husband. It took me a long time to get that.
This takes a lot of work, a lot of courage, and a lot of true love for your wife if you are going to be successful. Do you have it in you????? We shall see......
