Rob, I'm having similar results. I have gone VERY dark - I don't answer any of her calls at all, just check voice mail. I also only respond to texts that concern the kids.
At first she was nasty as well - put up pictures of OM, etc. She also refused to talk to me as well. I simply kept dark and sweated it out. Then she started texting me about the kids, and slipping little conversational things in - I am still simply responding with "OK".
In my case, it is probably too late, so my focus is to simply put myself in a situation where she cannot hurt me, and cause as little hurt to the kids.
It is having an impact - I'm seeing where she is feeling the vacuum, it's whether she cares enough or not.
It is an effective technique - whether you go completely dark as I have, or "dim" as you are doing just responding as necessary.
It's funny how a WAW will get all indignant with you - even though they are the ones breaking up a family, marriage, etc.
While I was out last night (gym, grocery shopping, life in general), I left my cell in my gym bag and she had called twice and texted at least 3-4 times asking where I was, if I was ok and if she could come over for a bit when she dropped for the kids because she wanted to talk.
When she dropped off my son, she had also bought lunch for him and brought it home and she picked me up something as well. She apologized for acting poorly last weekend, she tried to rationalize it by saying that I am limiting her con.
I told her that although I appreciated the apology, she continues to do the same thing over & over again. It's like this book we bought our kids a few years ago titled "I'm sorry", basically this kid keeps doing things and saying sorry and then at the end he's told that sometimes sorry isn't enough and if sorry isn't enough, he has to learn to do better. I told her that book was just as good for her as it was for the kids.
I won't tolerate that kind of behavior. Everyone can have a rough day and I can understand that (most anyone can for sure) but I told her she focuses that crap on me too many times for it to be coincidental and I'm just not taking it anymore. I appreciate the apology but actions are louder than words.
As for me, I'm doing good.
You said she would apologize.....and she did! Didn't take long, huh? You are using tough love and it is shocking her, I'm sure, but seems to be working. Stick to the list, you are doing fantasic!
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Rob Just wanted to stop by and check in on YOU for a change! I appreciate all of your advice, you really knocked some sense back into me and I really appreciate it! I don't know if I would have done what I did last week if it wasn't for you stopping by my thread..so a big thank you!
How did your weekend turn out? If you don't mind I am going to steal some of the steps that Sandi gave you ;)Those are great!
Hi robx, How are you doing? I survived (intact) through the long weekend, and even chalked up the first ever MC session. Even for someone who's not really that into Valentine's day as a holiday, I found it to be really hard. How's it going?
lemonsnap
Me - 29 H - 29 M - 6 months T - 8 years ILYBNILWY - 1/24/09 Recovery begins 3/1/09
Hi Rob, just checking in to see how the weekend went. I was reading back over some of your post and this caught my eye again. I meant to comment on it before and never did. You said:
Quote:
I was that weak man who believed that bad things happen to bad people and the reason I was treated so poorly and had such bad luck with my life, my wife and everything in this world was because I was somehow a bad person and I didn't do enough
This is a common belief amoung people, but the truth is that bad things happen to good people. I can't explain that without getting off into religious doctrines, but the truth is that bad things happen to everyone. I do think that bad thing happen a lot to good people b/c it has to do with "good vs. evil".
Anyway, I am so glad that you have overcome a lot. When I read that list it is over-whelming to know that you were carrying that burden around with you and how you have overcome all of that. I would think that once your wife gets her eyes open and can see this new man in front of her that she will practically swoon at his feet. You deserve a woman that would feel that way toward you after all that hard work. At least you have the dignity that you want and I think you will always strive to keep it.
Hope you have a great week. Stay in touch.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I had the kids this last weekend starting on friday (and for part of this week, we trade over several days at a time - it works) and we had a good weekend.
Let me start off by saying that: 1. I didn't say I love you 2. Didn't wish her a happy valentine's day 3. Didn't buy her any gifts
This is a huge departure from what I normally would do, last year at the same time a couple months after we separated I wrote her a huge letter professing my love for her, bought her an expensive gift/gifts, etc.
I truly believe you have to show them what it will be like when you're gone & out of the picture. The attention you used to provide your spouse, the gifts, the love, etc. You literally have to make that stuff disappear - they expect what they normally rec'd from you and when you don't provide it to them, that is what causes them to notice.
Another thing to point out is this, if you profess your undying love & devotion, purchase expensive gifts, write beautiful cards & love letters to a person who is separating from you - it demonstrates to them that you have low value and low self-esteem and validates the point they are rationalizing in their head that it's a good idea to leave you. I mean they are treating you poorly, disrespecting you, rejecting you and you are still pursuing them. It's very unattractive to do these things with someone who is leaving you. You are showing them that you are conquered, you are showing them that you are willing to take any treatment you get from them just for love which shows how much you don't love yourself. How can anyone love someone who doesn't love & respect themselves?
I appeared happy (well actually I was happy, so it wasn't that hard to pull off, LOL!) Had a great time with my kids, we did a ton of stuff together. My wife had a temper tantrum again and said some mean & hurtful things and she apologized again - I won't tolerate that crap behavior anymore, seriously why should anyone have to tolerate that?! She asked if she could spend valentine's day with me & the kids because she missed the kids and because it was valentine's day, I wasn't heartless, I could see she was hurting so I told her it was more than ok as long as she was civil towards me and didn't start any fights/arguments.
She was very nice to me this weekend and tried to explain why she has been acting poorly (it's the same excuses all the time but that's ok, I allowed her to vent as long as it wasn't at my expense). I also told her that if she thinks she can wiggle her a$$ because she knows I want sex that she is mistaken, she doesn't have that kind of hold on me and it kind of surprised her. She asked for hugs a few times and I didn't reject her, she would come to me and I would hold her and it's possible she may have been acting but she really needed to be held and I held her. We had some good periods of conversation (non-relationship focused) and generally had a good time together.
I also told her that if she thinks she can wiggle her a$$ because she knows I want sex that she is mistaken, she doesn't have that kind of hold on me and it kind of surprised her.
Well, brace yourself my friend, b/c now that you have made that statement, she will be determined to break you. She will pour the heat on like you won't believe! She won't mean it. she only wants to "prove" that she can break you down.
I am glad you have stopped with the gift buying, saying I love you and taking her crap. She could also learn to control her tempter fits. Anybody can that truly wants to, but she will do it as long as she knows you will allow her to do it. If it spoils your day or the kids's.....I would tell her..."no more".
You are doing great.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
as always, thanks Sandi, I appreciate the reinforcement and the reply back. Yup, I'm going to stick to my guns and truth be told, her ways are getting boring and I'm getting tired of them, I don't think resisting will be that hard (yes I will try to remember this when the "hunger" returns - I sound like a vampire at this point LOL!)
well my wife has the kids for the rest of the week until sunday and I won't contact her, initiate any phone calls, emails, txt's, etc.
- she does seem to need to be around us when I have the kids and she gets emotional and the temper tantrums happen, etc.
- she also notices that I'm not needy and seem to have my life in order ("it seems so easy for you, none of this affects you, etc."). If I have to be honest, it has been much easier these past few months so if anyone is asking the question of whether or not any of this gets easier, it does eventually (it did for me anyways). Detaching and "going dark", limiting contact & communications, etc. works both for you & your spouse. When you limit the amount of time you spend thinking about them, pursuing them, etc. After a while you get used to them not being there (and i don't mean that in a mean or angry way, yes I still love my wife) and life really does go on. The effect is that you're not pursuing anymore, you allow a fair amount of noticeable space between you and the spouse that left you or wants to leave you, whereas before you were pressuring and pleading for them not to leave them. When they have you and don't want you, they're pushing you away and you're trying to pull them closer. When you get used to detaching and getting a life and finding your individuality again, you're no longer pulling them towards you, it is similar to you pushing them away (indirectly) and they feel the difference and for the most part they are drawn to you by sheer curiousity - "why aren't they pursuing me anymore, my ego was enjoying this feeling of power & authority, it felt good".
Does this work? Every situation is different and I can't say there is a guarantee for everyone because I can't say that there is a guarantee for me.
This morning she (my wife) called me after I dropped the kids off at school. I had already told her the previous night that she would be picking up the kids from school today at specific times. She called me this morning and said "good morning" in a pleasant tone(being nice to me, I haven't done anything for her and I didn't give her any gifts for valentine's day) asked what I was doing (driving to work today since you have the kids I will work from the office instead of home today), asked me if I had seen her mp3 player recently (why would i know where that is? - that wasn't my response just the thought in my head at the time), told me to drive safe and to have a good day at work (and I replied the same back to her) and I said bye first, she said it too and then I hung up, short & sweet, no questions, no asking her what she was going to do today on her day off because it wasn't my business and I didn't really need to know. I was polite without being overly interested in her affairs and what she was doing - she was very polite and nice to me during the phone call.
Detached, getting a life, being independant and going dark, it does seem to work in bringing them closer to you and having them gain interest in you. When you're not there everyday, not talking everyday, you have a certain mystery about you and they are inclined to wonder about you and ask questions. It also makes you more attractive to them because you aren't with them anymore and they can see that you're functioning just great without them instead of wallowing in self-pity.
