That's what I'm wondering, whether it's too soon for me, but if I don't respond whether that's just building up bitterness.
I don't know how I'd be with her. So far whenever we've gotten together to talk, she's either broken into tears or started to break into tears and I don't feel like I can handle that.
I guess I feel like 4 months has been a long time, but if you and your texan XH stayed away for a year, that helps put things in perspective.
In my case, we both wanted to forget the failure. For us it wasn't the failure of the marriage as such (vows etc), it was the R, it was a great romance that was supposed to have a happy ending. It was a LDR, different nationalities, ages, that came through, we beat the odds..., alas, for a while, and then we had to admit it wasn't right. We both had to really move on before we were ready to revisit our R. Maybe for you guys, it will be easier... K
thanks k - I don't know where things will end up with my XW and I. I don't know if it will be any easier. I think we both want to forget the failure, but there still seems to be a lot of energy when we're around each other, hence the tears on her part and my need to stay away from her. But I don't know.
I just don't want to end up being bitter. My mom is still bitter over her D even though she's been happily married for 20+ years since and I hate having to listen to her talk about the D. I don't want to end up like that. But I also don't want to get sucked back into that space of feeling like she's reaching out to me because she regrets what she's done. It'll just continue to be a balancing act I guess.
Can I jump in? I almost wrote about my xh the other day when I posted and then deleted it all. Lucky you. What I'll say now though is that nearly 20 years later after I was the WAS he still cannot acknowledge my existance. Just last week he and his current W were waiting for traffic (me) but can't even wave. I am 'sponsor' for xsil's D. When she got married they couldn't invite me to the wedding because then xh would not attend. The rest of the family is friendly when I see them, even have come to see the horses. When I finally decided to leave that M I didn't walk, I ran. The man still scares me, but rumor it his current M has problems because his W thinks xh has me on a pedastal. Crazy!!! He is a bitter man. I have much of that part of my life blocked from memory.
You've got some options. Do you like it or want your xw to stay in contact with you? over time it would eventually fade anyway depending on your actions.
You can stay friendly with some occasional light responses. You can also be direct and ask her what she expects from you.
Better yet, be forward and ask her over for a romantic evening and cook up one your famous meals. That ought to scare her back into hiding. And I don't mean your cooking.
Keep your bubble in the middle.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I guess I want to stay in contact with XW because I still love her. It's hard for me to imagine that question without those feelings involved.
So far I've stayed cordial and responded lightly. I just don't understand why she keeps the sleeve tugging after a full year of not wanting to talk. Part of me just wants to shut the door on the whole thing so I'll never have to deal with her again. The other part says I can take the high road and she'll eventually fade from my heart.
I can tell you exactly what would happen if I invited her over for dinner. She'd say, "That sounds nice, so yes." And then the day of, she'd email saying, "I got some critical responses on my paper today so I feel like I should work on it tonight, so I have to cancel" or "I have a late meeting and I anticipate being tired afterwards so won't be able to make it." I know because she's already done this many times now, not recently but in the past year.
Okay, this is getting whiny, but you get the idea. Guess it's never clear - keep your bubble in the middle, I like that.
I think the answer is rather obvious Lodo... it IS too soon for you. Do what you've done "so far", stay "cordial and respond lightly". That isn't bitter at all. Not in the least bit. You just need some more time to elapse and perhaps a bit more experience dealing with your new found situation.
My D was final in June of 08. It was "too soon" for me up until probably November and December. Somehow, a "magical" transformation occurred within me during the last two months of the year. Once the New Year rolled around I was "good" and could deal with any and all interactions. There was no more sparking between us primarily because there was none on my side, there for there was no "spark" to flow back.
Give it time, maintain status quo. If you are worried that you might be missing a golden opportunity to rekindle something, STOP! You know better than that and you also know that if that is meant to be then she will be the one who has to do it. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Time.
Steve, you're right. I have had a few minor setbacks and usually document those here, but in actuality, something has happened at the 4 month mark. I don't care like I used to. I get upset by things, but that's mainly memories and not reality at play.
It's weird - I feel that, as time passes, the LBS grows more confident in moving on and the WAS might spend more time in re-evaluating. My XW came by today to discuss a work issue. I could immediately tell she was hungry to talk. And indeed, she quickly turned the conversation towards her personal life with family. As usual, I was cordial and light. She sat down and looked for conversation topics. I shared some anecdotes that had happened over the last couple of months that touched upon our past life - new friends living in apartments old friends used to live in, etc. Caught her up on news from the friends in the old town we used to live in. Showed her pix, though a bit weird because they included a wedding pic in the same place we got married. She admitted she had an appointment, but didn't leave until she absolutely had to. In leaving, she said she'd like to see my thesis if I was willing to share.
And I felt ... nothing. I don't know why she acted like that, I don't know what she wants. Well, okay, she's trying to be friends, and she's clearly forgotten everything she said and did this past year. But I just don't see her in the same light anymore. I see her as someone incapable of sustaining a relationship, whether that be as friend or lover. And I guess I'm not so interested.
So that was good to get under my belt. Got feedback from program director on chap.1 of my thesis - A+, excellent, move on and consider this done! Of course, my advisor ultimately needs to sign off on it and haven't heard from him yet, but well on my way. I know I can do this.
Got feedback from program director on chap.1 of my thesis - A+, excellent, move on and consider this done! Of course, my advisor ultimately needs to sign off on it and haven't heard from him yet, but well on my way. I know I can do this.
Hey lodo,
Just checking in on you, you sound like you are doing great. I am glad your thesis is going so well and you are starting to get some closure from your side on your R.
~
Me~34 H~38 D6.5
EA/PA-DEC.07
Moved out~Apr.13,08 Sep. Papers~Dec.7,08 No contact order ~Dec.9,08 and again October 13, 2009
It's weird - I feel that, as time passes, the LBS grows more confident in moving on and the WAS might spend more time in re-evaluating.
Yeah, I think so too. Maybe b/c I think LBS tend to be people that analyze and evaluate almost too much, and WAS tend to not analyze or evaluate much if at all? So we are finally settled and done with it and maybe the WAS is just starting to think about the fallout? And congrats also on your thesis. I'm glad it's going well for you!!! Karen
Hiya Snow! Was just thinking of you last week - a friend came by for dinner and guess what she brought? A bottle of pink wine! LOL.
I'm doing okay, thanks for saying hi. I've lost touch with your thread so will need to check in and see how you're doing. I'm sure you're ready for warmer weather.
Hey Karen - that's a good point. I probably agree. I don't think my XW has done much self-examination other than to say "What's wrong with me?"
