Jeffrey Darlin', you may want to set your sights higher.
Hugs
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
there sure seems to be an awful lot of militant type hostilities around here. but, i think that it will die down soon enough. the two of them seem to have released what they felt that they needed to. fair enough.
i do not wish to come down on either side of things but if my attitudes and feelings about things seem to do that ..then so be it.
in examining a bit of the objectionable things that you listed about H. my mind immediately returned to my own sitch. i was accused of many of the same things by my darling, cookie.
at various times in our M, when things were at there worst, my darling used to remark that she doubted that she was meant to be M'd. she just didn't think that she could handle it. there are a whole host of reasons why, which i won't necessarily go into but suffice it to say that a contributing factor was the destabilizing nature of her early life experiences.
there are so many parallels between you and my darling i think.
stay balanced, be contemplative and prayerful my dear sc.
i will step up my prayers for your family. may His will be done.
I read a book years ago about near death experiences. Almost everyone stated that when they entered the loving, accepting, brilliant white light, they were asked
"how well did you love & what did you learn?"
It's my life motto.
Cookie,
That's a great life motto. I think once we all latch onto the LOVE concept, our giving will increase and we will reap the harvest.
I got XM in my new car last summer and listen to a lot of the Oprah channel (not Oprah herself, but the other programs). They have a great line up of health, mind and body shows. Don't know if you've ever heard of Marrianne Williamson (I know she appears on the TV show at times too). I've seen her speak at a church outside Detroit that she used to pastor at before she made it big. Anyway, she just rocks. She's deeply spiritual and god believing, but subscribes to a new age work - the course of miracles. She brings everything back to love (and has written at least one book focusing on it). She talks a lot about forgiveness, loving ourselves and giving our love freely.
In most of our sitches, I think the last thing we want to do is deeply love the one that is hurting us - not a romantic love, but a healing, and spiritual love. I know I'm not there, but I'm shooting for it - for myself and others that I will cross my path, with whom I will share profound happiness and joy. And I will also continue to fall in love with myself at the same time.
I am unable to post or share because I am still effected by your anger from many months ago. Or rather, I choose to be because I don't want that directed at me again. Weird, huh? How folks who were once close .. aren't... because of fear.
*hugs*
I am sorry that you feel that way. What I recall is that you sent me a pretty strong post, I responded with anger, then we spoke on the phone & both apologized.
I wish you the best, always.
Cookie...
As I always wish you well and the greatest of happiness.
Yet what happened after the strong post, the angry response, the mutual forgiveness, the friendship and trust did not return to what it had been. So although everything was done 'right' it wasn't healing. Perhaps a trust was broken, fear crept in.. who knows.
This is an example of what goes on beyond the words and intentions. Trust cannot exist when fear is present.
A lesson learned, but how to apply it in life. Your anger touched off a fear deeper than I could handle. That is my issue, not yours, the same way the description of your counseling sessions ripped and rended something deep within in me.
Perhaps I could not embrace the apology because what upset me was too deep inside. I forgave you, but not myself.
It's just an example of how I.. anyone.. can be their own worst enemy. Instead of blaming another for their actions, I have to look in the mirror and accept ownership of mine and move forward.
And that's what scares me the most about your situation. Blaming your spouse for his years of verbal and physical abuse, glossing over the good he did; the effects of the trauma you've gone through surfacing over the past two years, the consequences of your actions when you were unhappy and frustrated and potential patterns repeating themselves are a popcorn bag of red flags.
No, you should not stay in a relationship that does not involve trust.. but it's a two way street.. and your kids are smack dab in the middle.
So those are my concerns from looking afar based on what we've shared in the past. I'm not in your shoes, I'm not living your life. It's great to hear the confidence in your tone.
May joy and happiness fill your life and that of your family.
I read a book years ago about near death experiences. Almost everyone stated that when they entered the loving, accepting, brilliant white light, they were asked
"how well did you love & what did you learn?"
It's my life motto.
Hi SC,
You wouldn't happen to know what the name of that book was, would you? That is a brilliant and moving motto!
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
PortlandDad, I believe it was Embraced by the Light.
Sterling Ellsworth, PhD, also talks about the very same thing in his seminars on inner child healing work.
take care
M 19 years, MC for 8 months, DB'd for 8 months 4 kids; 18, 15, 14, & 10 I was never meant to be a doormat. It took me years of therapy to become assertive enough to stop his abuse.
SC-I have read your original post many many times and everytime it moves me. In the beginning because I too was that woman. Now because I WAS that woman and I'm not anymore. By the time I came to the boards, I had way more anger than you can imagine and I too had tried everything in my M including turning his own behavior around on H which led to bomb. Somehow, and it actually happened pretty quickly, I got to where you are now. I was ready for the D, even though we were living in the same house (still are in fact).
I reread your original post today and read your follow up. I remember the day I had that awakening and realized just how much I had been missing and then my eyes were open. It was a few months after that day, when H finally saw that I was no longer going to take his crap and I was much much stronger, that I posted on here that I was done. Tomato told me not to quit quite so quickly. Another very good friend actually pushed and pushed until I took my heart out of the box. I didn't have a choice because I couldn't open it to anyone without taking it out. That meant risking opening it to H. I didn't want to but it did happen. I have never said I don't love him. I don't think I will ever be able to say that regardless of what he does or doesn't do. I like having my heart open and with that comes the risk of hurting but the joy is much more worth it than you can imagine. My H too still trys occasionally to behave like he has in the past. I refuse to take it anymore either. When that happens, it is so easy to say "I don't love him and that it it". But he is doing it less and less. I know once I get over the hurt and brush myself off, I still do love him.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, please don't rush the decisions. Take your heart out of the bubble wrap. I don't know what will be the right choice for you in the end. I don't know what the right one for me is going to be either. I will tell you, one of my biggest fears, as H is not all that different as he was for almost 20 years, is that I will not be strong enough to stand up to him if I don't protect my heart. I am afraid I will become that woman again if I let him in. And that he will go back to being that man all the time if he lets me in. So right now we are really at a standstill and that is ok. Healing takes time. Opening your heart to all of the possibilities takes courage. And you have taken the time and built up the strength should you decide to use the courage and risk it one more time. Good luck which ever path you choose to take.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
