Trying flirting on for size!

[BeingMe]

Omigosh, ACJ! Wow! One little point .... perhaps one can understand why H wanted money so badly. But, it would be nice to have her not come back.

[Truelove]

Hi ACJ,

I would like to say hi and wish you a lovely and relaxing week-end. (((HUGS)))

[ACJ]

OW is due back today. I don't suppose I will find out for a while if she does indeed come back but I'm pretty certain she will as she has too much to loose.

This week's events have played havoc with my emotions. I thought I had them under check. It was easy to be indifferent to H whilst he was behaving in that way to me. Don't get me wrong he has gone right back to that place BUT I'm still on catch up. Why can't I just let him go for good? What's stopping me?

[ACJ]

So she came back I've just been speaking to my son and it came out in conversation when I asked him how things were. He didn't elaborate as he was sat in the same room as him.

He tells me that as of today he has dropped physics. He said college are not very happy with him (and I told him neither am I). I know he was struggling but that was partly b/c he didn't put the effort in to make it easier for himself. That means with his 3 remaining subjects he going to have to make sure he does exceedingly well just to get a place at uni. I can see at this rate he won't go. If that's what he really wants then fine but I don't want him to regret being lazy later on in life.

[Truelove]

Hi ACJ,

Sorry that OW came back. I guess it was wishful thinking she would stay where she came from!

Hopefully, your son will realise soon that it is very important in life to have a good education.

Have a good week. (((HUGS)))

[ACJ]

Had a MAJOR melt down yesterday. I don't know about H revisiting previously felt emotions but I sure as hell am in a big way.

V day it was my brother's 40th and D13 and I went with his family and my parents for a meal. It was very nice and for the first time in years the awkwardness that always seemed to exist did not appear to be there.

Yesterday my nephew but on a CD belonging to my mother. It was Cat Stevens Greatest Hits. As soon as 'Father & Son' came on I welled up with tears as when I listened to the words it made me remember how H was not there for my S16 when he first hit adolescence. I have virtually not stopped crying since

When I got home an email from Hs aunt in Australia awaited me and in it she told me how another of his aunts (maternal, she is fraternal) had said how 'wonderful' she thought OW was for taking in a 16 yr old boy. That just set me off big time b/c this particular maternal aunt has been very supportive and knows exactly how I feel about S16 living with H and OW. It just about finished me off.

This morning I looked like I'd been in a car crash my eyes are so swollen.

Mid morning I realised I had a missed call on my mobile. I'd been trying to reach someone who didn't know me so I thought it was them trying to contact me back so I rang the number. Turns out it was H. I was really hesitant when he answered the phone and thought perhaps he had dialled my number by mistake. He hadn't!

He started off by telling me how S16 seems to have settled down and that like me he is disappointed that he has given up studying for his physics exam. He said S16 didn't really consult him either. Then he went onto his real reason for calling He said his solicitor was telling him to pull out of negotiations as nothing seemed to be happening and that he should just let it all go to court. Apparently they had called my Ls and they had told them they were still waiting for me to send some paperwork back. I quite literally had that very same paperwork in my hand ready to post when I rang him back. So I told him that. I also told him that the problems with the mortgage were out of my hands as it was the mortgage company who were messing things up. He thanked me for the information and said in that case he wouldn't pull out of negotiations as he didn't really want to do that anyway.

Just like the last time we spoke a couple of weeks ago he was nicem reasonable and understanding. I'm finding that waaaaaaaaaay harder to handle than the nastiness. I know he is only doing it to get what he wants but it really is getting to me.

I backslid way way way way back. After I had posted the paperwork I sent him a TM saying I had posted it. I told him that a D is still not what I want but that if it makes him happy then so be it. I said it was better that one of us was happy rather than both of us being miserable. I asked him to try and encourage S16 to spend more time with me. I knew I wouldn't get an answer and I haven't. I know I shouldn't have told him how I feel but I did. I didn't tell him I love him even though I do. I didn't tell him how much this still hurts even though it does.

What a mess.

[Truelove]

H ACJ,

I am sorry you had a major meltdown yesterday. I know exactly how you feel and how you hurt. The WAS just never leave our minds, do they.

Despite this I wish you a good week. (((HUGS)))

[BeingMe]

It's hard to unlove someone, isn't it? I don't think one can - you just let them go. I don't believe your H has stopped loving you - he's just forgotten and let you go.

((((ACJ)))) I so understand how you feel. Wish I could say the right words, but sometimes, there just aren't any.

[ACJ]

BM I think you might be right.

I did, surprisingly, get a reply from H eventually. It just said 'Ok. Please don't use this number again'. So he is still in replay after all this time. I'm not surprised. I think he will be there forever.

S16 is pushing my patience to the limit right now. I phoned him on Tuesday and told him I was off all week. He instantly replied 'Well I'm not. I'm working every day until Thursday and then dad is taking me camping'. I was so upset I just said 'So mum misses out again then. Goodbye'. I know he has replenished his punishing routine with me as I didn't gush all over him and rush straight away to collect him when he wanted to come home a couple of weeks ago. However I KNOW I did the right thing by telling that if he came home it had to be for the right reasons.

It is half term here hence why S16 has gone camping with H. H has spent no time with D13 during the school holiday. Says it all really.

I'm glad I took the week off. I have been going out and getting data for my dissertation but I've also had a really bad cold. I think if I'd had to go to work I would really have struggled. It's ages since I felt this ill but I guess it's because being in a new working environment I've encountered some 'alien' bugs and they finally got me

I just phoned the mortgage company again as I still hadn't heard from them. They confirmed that they have received the info they needed from my employer but I got cross when they said they would prompt the next stage going out today. Why haven't they done that already as it's over a week since the information was received? Anyway they said everything was going well, that I have been given approval and that speed of the next stage will depend upon how quickly my L gets the paperwork done. So I may well be D by the end of March after all! (as you can tell I have very mixed emotions about that)

Well that's all my news I think so I'm off to go an interview yet another person for my dissertation.

[Truelove]

Hi ACJ,
Welcome to the club - I might be D by the end of March as well.

Gald that everything with your mortgage will be fine.

Good luck with your dissertation, and have a lovely week-end. (((HUGS)))