Regrets-I wanted to suggest MLC but I didn't want to put ideas into your head either. My H is also in one and it started when he was 33 in 2006. It is now 2009. No I am not trying to discourage you. I only realized what it was last year when everything really went to major he**. I used to have threads but they were really for me to vent out several years of frustrations so I don't think they will help too much. What I can tell you is that if you focus on you, which is what you have to do right now, you will find your way. There will be days, there will be many many days when you will wonder what am I doing? There will be days when you will say I give up. But it does get easier. Follow Beary's advice on making self stronger. Try not to take everything personally. And try to remember if things start to get worse, you may be in the calm before the storm right now. But that doesn't mean they can't get better. I had finally come to a really good place. Accepted what I was pretty sure was the end of my M, started making my own friends and was doing well to have him poke his head out and say something completly contradictory to what he has said for the last 2 years. Nothing has changed and I honestly don't know if I even want it to if it is possible but I am starting to see that they do open their eyes every now and then and after all this time, I really didn't think that was possible. Read here, read the MLC threads, especially the resource threads. Make yourself calm and strong. Prepare for this to take time. Vent, vent, vent here. There is lots of good advice and support and help.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Thank you so much Kelaaron. I think it is too but how to suggest it? He is not being nasty to me, I don't think he ever will be. I'll help him through anything, I really will. I believe in for better or worse and as pathetic as it is, I want him to be happy so if leaving me makes him happy, so be it.
I was just telling myself it's an affair when remembered he had an appointment at the hospital a few weeks ago, about 4 and said he would pop in to see me. I work there, it's a very busy ward so I said I may not be able to chat.
That's not the behaviour of someone who has fallen out of love is it? Oh I don't know, if it is a MLC then I know I need to be strong to help us both but if it's not, what to do?
He seems happy enough when talking to friend and family on the phone but maybe that is his way of dealing with it. He looked so unhappy on Sat night. This is all so tragic and I'm so pathetic.
I've even considered love spell LOL how totally out of control, and I didn't go ahead because felt bad in case I was interfering with his 'free will' how crazy is that? lol
Honestly, I would not suggest MLC to him. He will probably tell you no anyway. At this point, put nothing past him. It is an unfortunate thought but if it is MLC, there is no rhyme or reason. That is why we call it the rollercoaster and alien sightings around here. I know you want to help and support him through anything but I will tell you and so will anyone who is on this side of the MLC, you can't do the work for them, you can't make them do it, and honestly if you suggest it they probably will take longer to do it to spite you. That being said, you can validate his feelings, you can listen without trying to change his mind, without showing him you have a differing opinion, without trying to convince him of how happy you were etc...He may really open up to you or he may not. This is really new for you. Eventually you will be strong enough to set forth boundaries for your self.
Right now, you just need to breath and get over the shock and read others stories. Unfortunately there is no one right answer and no one right way. You will find many differing opinions on this site alone. You sort of have to try and see what works and doesn't work for you. Read on here, read the MLC forum. Right now just read. First to make sure you really think what he is doing resembles all of the crazy mlc stories out there, to realize you aren't alone, and to maybe get some ideas where to start.
If you focus on the past, you ruin the future. You can only live for today.
Regrets, listen to kelaaron. There really isn't very much you can do with MLC so you need to put yourself first.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
The term MLC is a bit of a misnomer. It kind of implies that these things happen at a certain time. Sometimes you hear these things referred to as a transitional life crisis, which is perhaps a better term. As you can see from others on here, you are not alone in the age of your H, and these 'problems' arising.
I know it is your H who is causing you such distress, and your H that the 'crisis' appears to be happening too, but if you are getting panic attacks perhaps you could go to your GP to get something to help you with those and so you can continue functioning and being supportive to your H.
My sitch was quite different to yours, but I had awful panic attacks, and my GP was able to give me something that really helped....it wasn't something you took all the time.....just as and when one needed it.
(((HUGS)))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks saffie, I'm going to get some kalms and see if they help.
You're all going to think I'm horrible here.
My mother has a bit of a drink problem, not alcoholic just has a drink most nights and slurs etc, anyway I hate it and it's always caused problems as when she would call I'd get upset and then he would lie and say she hadn't been drinking.
She tells all sorts of stupid lies, stuff like your cousin wanted you to call and I'd call and cousin hadn't said it, really stupid stuff, hard to explain. She kind of manipulates. Anyway, she is a lovely person although a bit of a drama queen. When this happened, I really didn't want to tell her because she always says stuff like oh don't worry me, oh this is so awful blah blah. So she called the morning after it happened and I tried to pretend everything was ok. Ten mins later she called back and said I know something has happened. I said to her that I really needed someone to trust right mow, someone who I could trust not to repeat what I'm saying. I explained how much she hurts me when she lies. She promised she wouldn't so I told her. She had been good listening to me etc, not always giving best advice but was there for me. A few days later my brother then my cousin sent a text asking how I was.
I asked mum if she had told them, she said no, I said mum please, please tell me the truth and she said no she swore she hadn't, I could trust her. This morning she mentioned going to my cousins, I said I know you told them and she again said she hadn't then admitted it. I said the only person in the world I have that I can trust has practically left me, why are you doing this to me. She said as I always knew she would, about how hard this was for her. I knew it. She has my dad to tell, I'm so upset she has broken my trust. Feel like this is my fault all along. She actually said she had to tell them all because I was driving her mad. I just felt like S@it.
H long before we married told a stupid lie to me and I kept telling him how I can't stand lies, it was to do with ex but I kept going on and on about it. Haven't done for a good year though but I'm wondering if I put too much on people telling the truth.
I never, ever lie. I feel like now family know, the rot has spread. I wanted a chance to work this out and now it's blown up in my face. I know the drill, she tells one person, they tell another. I can't stand it. I'm not ready for them all to know yet.
I also explained last week that if she had told my brother I needed to know because I then didn't want to lie and say everything was fine when he knew it wasn't thereby, me telling him lies. I guess I was protecting H a bit because I didn't was my brother to be upset for me.
I know I'm probably taking it all out on my mum but I really believed this time she wouldn't lie to me. My H is better off out my world. His family are so respectable. I was very concerned MIL would call my mum and my mum would be drunk. I didn't want a big wedding but my H said I'd regret it so we had one and I begged, begged, my mum just for one day not to get drunk, Guess what, she got drunk.
Oh poor, poor me :-)
Had to get all that out before I read the DR book again.
Right! enough self pity. another couple of girls from work snet lovely messages so I know I'm loved. I'm not being big headed here but I have many many friends and I'm popular. Actually quite funny person so I'm going to give myself a break and try,try, try move forward.
I've already forgiven my martyr mother, and H sent text asking how I was today which was quite nice of him I suppose. I'm never happy though, I now think he's just feeling guilty ha ha.
I answered and he sent another and I though maybe I wouldn't reply but just don't have the energy for these games right now. Another time maybe when I'm stronger and may actually get some perverse enjoyment from it (joke)
I also explained last week that if she had told my brother I needed to know because I then didn't want to lie and say everything was fine when he knew it wasn't thereby, me telling him lies.
Regrets,
The above two statements conflict with one another. The reason I am pointing this out is to show that we can have a subjective view about telling lies. Your second statement indicates that you would only be telling a lie if you brother knew.....that's not the case though....regardless of your brother knowing about you and your H, you are either fine or you are not. What your mother has told your brother is irrelivant. Your mum was being truthful when she didn't lie to your brother about how you were. Can you see the hypocrisy?
I know what family are like, don't get me wrong, but I bet they mean well underneath it all.....and now they know they can be supportive of you.
If the Kalms don't do the trick please see your GP. I was prescribed propanalol and just used it when required....not on a regular basis.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
yes, But, But..... ;-) point taken. I was horrible to say stuff about my Mum because she is a lovely person. I can see now how I maybe allowed my frustration at my own family affect relations with H. I'm going to work on being more patient with my mum and dad. Won't be easy with my dad.
I've made some small goals, well actually had a list of about twenty but cut it right down and have three which are very small goals. I think anyway.
1. I would like H to ask about my day when he comes home.
2. I would like H to show a little affection/concern, nothing big, just a smile or something.
3. I would like H to stop watching t/v and look at me when he answers when I ask about his day.
Not going to ask for these things yet. I sense that it is a bit too soon.
