Just keep reminding yourself to DB the kids. Do those 180s. Before you react to anything they say or do ask yourself what would happen if I did the exact opposite of what they expect from me. It works Alison - it really does. I did it to my boss today and it worked like a charm.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
Just keep reminding yourself to DB the kids. Do those 180s. Before you react to anything they say or do ask yourself what would happen if I did the exact opposite of what they expect from me. It works Alison - it really does. I did it to my boss today and it worked like a charm.
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
At least you had a positive interaction with your S. Do you think your D will try dragging those boys over to her dad's? There might be something to be said for making her antics his problem for a while.
Just keep reminding yourself to DB the kids. Do those 180s. Before you react to anything they say or do ask yourself what would happen if I did the exact opposite of what they expect from me.
I did just this with D13 tonight. As soon as I walked in the door from uni she started with the lip. I ignored it in the main. Then she did something which I could not ignore and I told her off for it. Her retort was that this morning H said to her 'if I sell my flat and rent somewhere bigger would you consider coming to live with me?' she said she told him she might. I just replied 'if that is what you wish to do D13 then you should do it'. The chat back stopped instantly.
She has been off ill today. She let me know and so did S16 bless him but H did not bother to tell me. Typical. He must have let school know b/c I did not hear from them in relation to her absence. When I got home the same two boys were here and b/c I had occassion to tell D13 off she then retaliated by saying ok i am going out. I reminded her she was ill but when I went to the toilet she went out anyway. She wasn't gone for long and she brought her friends back with her and they sat in the dining room. So far tonight she has not gone to Hs but I'm beginning to suspect that might be b/c he is working away today but I might be wrong.
D18 had an interview for a summer job todaty. It was held at a university near to our home and so she drove up after lunch, went to the interview and then came here for her tea. She has just left. We have just chatted all evening. It's been so pleasant. I miss her so much.
I have not heard from my L today so hopefully I will tomorrow.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
H said to her 'if I sell my flat and rent somewhere bigger would you consider coming to live with me?' she said she told him she might. I just replied 'if that is what you wish to do D13 then you should do it'. The chat back stopped instantly.
Nice work girlfriend. That is very cool. I don't know how it works, but it does - every time.
Take care, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
In tough times, our thoughts are supposed to turn to friends and loved ones. We are supposed to think fondly of them. We are not supposed to wonder why we ever let certain people into our lives. We are supposed to be full of magnanimity and enthusiasm for our involvement with those around us. Though you've got a lot to question and re-evaluate at the moment, you will soon have an encounter that you truly enjoy. There will be depth of communication and warmth of emotional rapport as you discover that one special person at least, is a true source of much-needed support.
This is my horoscope for the week ahead. It summarises exactly how I feel about my most recent situation.
I tried to talk to D13 this morning about her bad behaviour over the last week. I tried to involve her in decisions about the best way forward. She was not interested and things were getting heated again so I stopped the convo.
This afternoon she went with H to see his aunt. S16 knocked on the door when they arrived which I was surprised at b/c he was supposed to be at work. Apparently he got a message this morning not to go. He is less than pleased.
When they came back S16 told me he couldn't stay for tea as I had suggested as he was meeting his friend. I asked if he at least had time to have a cup of tea with me and he said no b/c H was waiting outside for him. What do I have to do to be able to get my S16 to spend time with me. It never crossed him mind to ring me when he found out he didn't have to go to work.
After a while I asked D13 if H had mentioned her going to live with him again and she no not really. However it seems that they did have a convo with his aunt about him wanting to move and how he would need 3 bedrooms so he is clearly still on that thought path. D13 said that in an ideal world she would like to spend half the time with both of us as she wants to rebuild a R with her dad.
I applauded her for this but mentioned that she could do that without physically living with him. I'm just worried b/c S16 wanted to spend his time half and half and H has made it almost impossible for him to do that. If he did that again I'd have no-one left.
One thing for certain is that this time I will not be allowing anything to happen without a written order so that if he goes back on it I can do something about it.
Does this nightmare ever end?
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Have you ever found that when you hold on too tight, the thing you are wanted to hold on to wants away even more? Relax with your kids. You seem to be projecting your greatest fears on to them.
They know the rules and let them know if they are broken this is what will happen. Then follow through. Kids need guidance and at these ages rebellion starts. If she will be so happy with dad, pack her a bag for a week and let her know that she can call you. Don't ask her back, don't beg her back. Your H is playing the game with you and they are in the middle. If he really is making it sooo appealing, I doubt that it will be since they will be a tad crowded.
Take the time to do things you want to do. It is a mini-break not the end of the world. When your kids do come back and talk just listen, only add your advice if they ask for it.
You are going to be fine. Your kids will see who the stable parent is and gravitate toward you but only if you can be brave, put on a happy face and let go a bit.
Hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Seems as if your H only plays 'nice' when he's having a problem with S16, but when you are having a problem with D13 he uses it as a way to make things worse for you as a way to get her to live with him. This is the same thing he did with S16. Don't trust him when he's being pleasant to you. Your H is not going to show a united parental front unless it suits him to do so and he has something to gain (and you usually lose something). Your H's affection seems to be conditional.
I am glad that you and your D18 seem to be building a wonderful relationship. And here is the thing .... they will all leave eventually ... and they will all realise who was truly there for them. Here is something else to consider (if D13 does go live with your H) .... she is coming to the age when you and her will spend very little time together. You've seen this with D18 and S16. This is not because they are avoiding you. It's because they are starting to pull away from parents, separating and finding their own way. My D16 and I have a fantastic R (which I'm sure you have when things aren't heated and difficult with your H), but if I see her an hour over the weekend it's a lot. After school, perhaps 20 minutes or so, then she's off to her activities. This has been the sitch since she was about your D13's age. My S21 was the same around that age, even left home at 18 with his twin sister, but he's back and around us all the time. He' such fun. He even brings his friends to hang out.
So, why am I telling you all this ... to show you there's hope. Don't 'beg' them to keep you company and when they are around you, have fun (show them your humorous side), while still enforcing your rules. If there are boys in the bedroom, go sit there and engage them in some funny conversation ("oh, hi, didn't know we had company") and then say perhaps something like, "well, it's been nice chatting, but we'll have to continue downstairs as you probably know." IOW, make D13's friends feel welcome in your home, but out of her bedroom. Get to know her friends, their parents, other siblings, their stories. Let them talk to you. Have stuff they can play with at your home ... shuffle board, tv games (outside her bedroom, of course). Feed them ... always have stuff in the 'fridge that they can nosh on ... give them freedom to do so (it's worth it to have a teen boy rummaging in your 'fridge for leftover pizza during a game) and your D13 is at home. Who knows, S16 may find things more attractive at your house. We have even invited D's friends parents to our house for BBQ's, so that may be something to try. We, of course, had boundaries and rules. We went down to their hang-out place, and one of the friend's was necking with another and I felt perfectly comfortable with telling them that no face sucking was allowed and we prefer there be some space between the bods (and it was my daughter who told us to come down ... weird).
I found humour goes a heck of a long way with teens. The things I used to tell my kid's friends. Oi!!! You know the score, you've been there .... you are the adult and you must know how to manipulate them without making them mad. That's exactly what your H is doing, I bet. Omigosh! I remember smiling at one of my daughters and saying, "aw, you're so cute when you're mad ... come give me a hug ... come on, you know you do." Ha ha! Then I would giggle every time she flipped her hair in annoyance at me and give me the ol' 'ugh'. She was so hilarious. I did get really cross sometimes, though. My H worked away from home for several years, so it all hung on me because on the weekends I didn't want any blow-ups while H was at home. Well, that daughter is just so wonderful now and we are close even though a long way from each other.
Anyway, this is my opinion, for what it's worth. I am no expert. I think I was just lucky and I also had my H, so that is a plus for me. Just keep calm, be subtle about this, don't ask or beg your H for anything (not even help with keeping a united front). You can do this, ACJ. Good luck!!!!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
