One thing for certain is that this time I will not be allowing anything to happen without a written order so that if he goes back on it I can do something about it.
I spoke with my L again today. She finally heard from Hs L on Friday and now it seems it is H himself who is holding things up with giving most recent financial info. Ugh when the hell will this ever end?
I mentioned to her having some sort of written 'contract' between H and I if D13 does go live with him (even partially) and she basically told me that in English law there is no such thing. I'm beginning to realise that English law is very much against those who a) uphold the law and b) have decent morals.
Yesterday D18 phoned to say H had even tried to involve her in his latest scheme. She said he had rung and said that if he sold his flat, rented somewhere bigger would she like to spend time with him when she was home. She told him no b/c when she is home she spends most of it not here but at her BFs mum's house. Apparently he sounded very upset. After he hung up she said she texted him and told him to stop playing games and trying to get her and D13 to do his dirty work for him. She said he tried to ring her back but her battery went flat on her phone. Maybe just as well. She told me she wants nothing to do with him until he 'sorts his godamn self out!'
After speaking to my L today I decided I would play H at his own game. I rang S16 and asked if he too would like to spend half his time with me. He said he hadn't thought about it recently but would give it some serious consideration.
On the issue of discipline. The main problem I am having is getting D13 to sit down in the same room as me to even talk about it let alone argue (which obviously I don't want). All last week H made sure he kept at his house long enough to prevent me from taking any action. This may sound weak, gutless an excuse (however you want to label it) but I feel quite literally powerless. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
You know girlfriend, in a perfect world you could live what we perceive as the "perfect" mother daughter relationship where you have discussions about boundaries and sensibly discuss rights and responsibilities, consequences for actions etc - but we don't live in that world.
You daughter is 13 and really the skills she has now to discern right and wrong are those you've given her as she's been growing up. She knows when she's pushing her luck and she knows when she's behaving badly. You don't need to have a discussion with her for her to know that.
Please understand - the "getting her in the same room" part is about you - it's not about her. You want to have your say. I understand that - but it's not helpful.
What about if you do a 180 on this and see how it goes. You could say something to her like - "I don't respect the way you are behaving, but it's your life and you need to live with the consequences of your actions- I suspect you know that this behaviour is really borderline kiddo." It might not be as satisfying, for you, but it will put the ball back in her court and she'll need to think about how much she values your respect.
Someone else said earlier in your thread that the more you try to hold on to something or someone, the more elusive that thing becomes - and it's true. The tighter you hold on to her, the more she will struggle to get away.
Alison try to think about your relationship with your mum - the things she did that you found difficult. You might find you are repeating some of those learned behaviours.
I'm glad D18 is sticking up for you - but understand that doesn't vindicate your position, it just reflects on her values - the ones that you instilled in her.
DB them Alison - don't have R talks, do 180s, show them that they are not the most important thing in your life, you have other interests and activities. Soon they'll be clammering to be with you.
Take care, V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I have done a complete 180 this week. For the last two nights D13 has stayed with H. The first night she came home first and then went virtually as soon as I got home from work but last night she didn't come here. I did not contact her.
I've just come home from work today and after giving her a hug I asked if she had had a nice time with H. Her reply said it all 'it was ok!'. When I said 'only ok' she said 'well what do you expect I go there to sleep and it's only on a settee!'
Earlier on today I read an email from a friend who was inviting me out on Friday night. I sent D13 asking her if she could stay at her dad's. When I got home I asked if she had had an answer and she said she hadn't asked him yet. I asked her to let me know as soon as possible so that I could let my friend now if I was able to go or not.
She then went on to tell me that she was 'probably going to go and stay with a friend on Saturday night' this friend lives some 25 miles away so I said 'shouldn't that be please can I go and stay with my friend'. This particular friend was someone she knows from primary school and now that she lives so far away they hardly ever see each other. My dad is coming to stay at the weekend partly b/c my mum is away and partly so I can go out on Saturday (when he volunteered I didn't know about the invite on Friday) and I just said if you do go there isn't much point in grandad coming as he was coming to be with you so I could go out. She started off on one so I just said 'Listen D13 whatever I say you can or can't do you will make your own decision so there is little point in us getting into yet another arguement'. This stopped her dead. Of course I will tell my dad he is still welcome to come as I'm sure he would appreciate a bit of company during the day and on Sunday.
It's Mother's Day here on Sunday D18 has not mentioned coming home, S16 is unlikely to visit and it looks like D13 will be elsewhere so for now I'm preparing myself for the fact that it will be just another day where my children choose to disrespect me.
I am trying my best to let go (honest ) but when you've had nearly 42 years of being a control freak it's not an easy habit to break
WB you may be right about learnt behaviours although part of me wanting to discuss things with my children is b/c my mother never did. You either did her way or no way at all and as a consequence tempers were always high. She has admitted since that perhaps it wasn't the best way and we do have a much better R now. Sadly it is also part of the reason why I've always been a loner as without realising it I withdrew b/c I couldn't handle the constant arguements.
Oh well I guess live and learn needs to be my motto from now on.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Great job on the 180s. I love how you just get on with it and try new things until it works. That is a sign of a woman who is prepared to learn and grow and self reflect - really important skills.
It will be interesting to see what D13 choses to do this weekend - you might be surprised. But if you are not surprised - don't take it personally OK. Right now it's not about you for your kids - they are growing their own wings and all they are interested in is negotiating the best deal they can for themselves. With a bit of patients, doing what works and keeping the road home paved with love and kindness you will all get there.
I have a lot of faith in you. You are a fab woman.
Thinking of you.
V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
I really can't tell you what this means to me right now. Although I must admit I'm struggling to believe it.
180s were useless. H won't have D13 as surprisingly he is going away for the weekend (again). I am so angry and frustrated I don't know what to do with myself. I just have this overwhelming sense of defeat! I know that sounds stupid and self centred but that's the way it is.
All I'm asking for is for H to take his share of the responsibility that parenthood brings. For over 3yrs I've had the burden of all of the childcare. Again that word burden probably makes me sound incredibly selfish but right now that's how I feel about it. I'm suffocating under all this responsibility and stress and I really don't know what to do next.
It's a good job there is only me in the office today as I can't stop crying.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Oh, please dry your eyes. You are under a lot of strain. Funny how we did the parenting with our H at home and it all seemed so much easier(even when we did the majority of it). It sounds as if you need a few days just to yourself. Just to recollect yourself. It happens to everyone, so no need to feel bad.
Do you think d13 could maybe stay with the friend on Friday night instead? Ring the parents and see. Just slow down and take one step at a time. If you don't stop and take care of yourself a bit who is going to be there for your lovely children? You are doing a good job, just a bit overwhelmed.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
It's Mother's Day here on Sunday D18 has not mentioned coming home
Hi Alison, hmm have you got the date right for this? I make it on the 22nd so maybe that why d never mentioned it. Hope the day gets better. You can do this parenting thing. You have had some good advice and its only a few more years before tehy will all be gone and then you will miss them like we all do, but even then they still need you but in and on there terms for a while. Enjoy your week end.
((((ACJ)))) Please take care of yourself. Sometimes, I think you care too much, but that is a sign of a loving parent and wife, not a selfish person at all.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
) but when you've had nearly 42 years of being a control freak it's not an easy habit to break 
Sometimes, I think you care too much, but that is a sign of a loving parent and wife, not a selfish person at all.