Mind you, I really need to stop thinking what will annoy him or not, too much time spent trying to figure out what is going on when even he doesn't know.
Mind you, I really need to stop thinking what will annoy him or not, too much time spent trying to figure out what is going on when even he doesn't know.
Look at all your posts. You are obsessing about all of it - that's natural.
Yes, if you expose it you are going to piss him off....because you will be showing him publicly to be the two timing rat he is; what person wouldn't be upset by that.. Exposure in my sitch was a bit strange in that some people already new, (ie all my H's staff as OW was one of his employees), but family, friends etc didn't know.
My H told me about the A and I was the last of the four in the two couples to know - OW's H already knew but had been unable to do anything. My H told me he loved OW in the beginning of me knowing. I got so upset because I had been taken to work functions where all his staff had known he was having this aA and OW was there and I was the only one there not to know. I saw red. I told my H that I would absolutely take him to the cleaners. I was extremely forceful and outspoken with him and he knew that I would contact the directors of our Co too to talk to them about it. I also spoke to him about the practicalities of it all - we have four children so things were more complex in our situation. I also made it very clear that I loved him and that I undestood that I was not blameless in the breakdown of the M and that I wanted my M back. For me, being so outspoken was a 180.
It was nasty and very unstable for about a week. I actually tried to commit suicide and was nearly committed but my psychiatrist managed to get through to me that I needed to pull things together so I didn't risk losing my kids. He was actually great and later in the week saw my H and I together and told my H to get his act together and decide what he was going to do and stick to it. None of this going back and forth whilst he tried to commit but then creeping behind my back still seeing OW.
I know exposure seems really scary.....one cannot be sure how things will turn out. But I liken it to taking off a plaster. Exposure is like ripping it off quickly - hurts and stings like hell for a short sharp time but then gets better. Pulling it off slowly, little bit by bit, just prolongs the agony and doesn't make the outcome much different usually.
Don't forget that whilst your H is in these first throws of passion for this OW he will have rewritten your marital history in his head. My H did just the same. It took a full year from the A ending to him just saying out of the blue one day that he couldn't believe what he had done and how he had behaved. He even thought OW was so gross that he was embarrassed at his actions.
You KNOW when they are being genuine about having broken things off with OW. They will be completely transparent in their behaviour, passwords and locks on phones are no longer needed etc. etc.etc......you just know.
Your H's behaviour as you have described it indicates that he knows darn well that what he is doing is wrong - that indicates to me that exposure would actually have quite an effect on him. If you decide to expose then I would personally somehow find a way to contact OW's H - use the phone book if you know whereabouts she lives.
I can only go by my own personal experience regrets, and I see a lot of people on here who don't go the exposure route and then wish afterwards they had. Equally there are others that choose to not take that option. It's all a question of what you feel comfortable with and what you think will work.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Look, Regrets, you can rationalize your fears any way you want and nine ways from Sunday. The bottom line is, at a MINIMUM the other woman's husband has a right to know, and you have a moral obligation to tell him.
That's awful what you've been through saffie. You've done so well.
I messed up and could kick myself.
I'be been living like this is a building site since this happened and builders everywhere, kitchen ceiling just caved in, builders had to speak to H and then put the phone on to me. He was so obnoxious, what is it? I just had enough.
I said what is with your attitude to me, I said despite what happens to us, I don't appreciate the way you are handling this. He actually said handling what.
I said oh grow up. Look at your behaviour, messing around, being cheeky to me, he said it's not messing around. I said yeah you believe that if you like, maybe we did have problems that you didn't share in counselling but the fact is you didn't come to me and I'm fed up with you trying to make out that it was ok to mess around and text XX.
I said I no longer care because I need to move on but don't for a minute think you will manipulate me into covering for you.
He said We'll meet on Monday, I said manipulation again, trying to protect her and yourself.
I know I fecked up but really I've had enough.
I'm so sick of the lies. I was great yesterday and I know I will be fine again, I know fine well I'll be ok without him, it just the actual getting to that point.
arghhhhh
Way I see it, if he was serious about us, he would come round tonight, obviously he is still seeing her. He is actually protecting her.
Feel like telling him to come round right now was what difference does the weekend make You're both right. I'm going to find out this weekend where she stays
There was one man but different country. Think they are youngish so may be on bebo or was thinking of checking out some of the other girls that work there's bebo and making up a fake one to add then see if she and him are on it lol
Listen, you've all been great, and I take my hat off to all of you for trying so hard at your marriage but I just can't do this to myself any longer. I'm feeling stronger and I'm not nearly as scared as when this first happened. I'm giving him an ultimatum tomorrow. He is waiting around for me to make the decision and I think I already have. The lies, deceit, the self obsession. He is out drinking every weekend having a ball and I have had enough. I've lost respect for him. He is not now horrible and arrogant. I don't think I even like him now.
I need to know where I stand and then I need to get on with my life.
I'm going out tomorrow with the girls and I'm going to have fun no matter what happens.
I have so many friends, I'm still young,have a good job, and a good figure now :-) he has so much going for him, financial security for life, beautiful house, great job, freedom to do whatever he likes and this doesn't make him happy.
I need to know what I'm dealing with. I hope some of you can understand.
Issuing an ultimatium might work and H might come scurring home ( I doubt it )
I had an A and exposure stopped it. It is like a bomb gong off. You scramble to protet yourself etc etc and the OW/OM does the same. The fairytale ends. Reality kicks in.
Consequenses are:
1. You tell OW husband and he kicks her out. She hooks up with your H and they think they can be happy ever after. NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. Each has so much s&^% to sort out that they cannot fixate on the relationship and then evryones warts come to the surface. Remember your H and OW are on their very best behaviour right now and are in honeymoom land. NOT REAL.
2. Ok you dont tell OW husband. They carry on happy lappy . No reason to change. It would be time and patience and you waiting till he has had his fill at the pond ( so to speak ) before he might consider looking at you again. If your happy for that to happen and put your life on hold , then go for it.
3. If you tell OW H and he knows already perhaps the 2 of you could share information which could work in your favour further down the track if you were to divorce
4. You tell OW H and she panics and drops your H like a hot potatoe !!!!!! And if that did not hapen immediately , i am pretty certain it would a few months down the track.
Dont envy you your decision and I have to say this decsion will not be the hardest you ahve to face.
