Ok, just had an attitude shift that I hope I can maintain.
I was sitting in the job counselor's office talking about the phone campaign and that more than what you say, it's how you say it. And I was thinking that I've never had a lot of confidence when it comes to interviewing even though I know I'm a good worker and do a damn good job when I have one. [Background: That's the main reason in my procrastination on this job hunt. I HATE the whole interview process, like some people hate the dentist or flying. Shudder.]
Anyway, I started to think that I'm an amateur actor and that what I really need to do is play the part of a good salesperson. "I'm not a confident, self-assured woman but I play one on tv." I can do that. I'm not an amazing actor, but I have had some leads so I'm sure I can pull this off, at least on the phone.
As I was driving home feeling pretty good about myself I realized that it's just "acting as if" in a different area of my life. I will act as if I will get an interview with every person I talk to. Aha moment.
And to top it all off, I stopped at the grocery store to get milk and discovered that Breyer's makes lactose-free vanilla ice cream! Woo hoo!
So now I'm going to sit outside, enjoying the lovely sunny weather while I read for a bit, then head to happy hour with a girlfriend.
All in all, it ended up being a good day!
Last edited by pearlharbr; 03/19/0910:06 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Anyway, I started to think that I'm an amateur actor and that what I really need to do is play the part of a good salesperson. "I'm not a confident, self-assured woman but I play one on tv." I can do that. I'm not an amazing actor, but I have had some leads so I'm sure I can pull this off, at least on the phone.
As I was driving home feeling pretty good about myself I realized that it's just "acting as if" in a different area of my life. I will act as if I will get an interview with every person I talk to. Aha moment.
I think that's a great way to look at it -- very true!!!
OK, so it seems I always catch up on your sitch AFTER you are considering doing something significant that I wanted to comment on. LOL!!
This time it was the trip to the bowling alley. When I read that, I remembered you saying that you were looking to catch him in one more lie to make your mind up. My thought was that that could be it, he'd be there with OW when he's told you he's "not hanging out in any capacity". BTW, for the record: I'm a guy and I would consider bowling "hanging out". He's not on a date with her, but I would call it "hanging out".
Anyways, what I was gonna say about that plan is that you have to make sure that you're ready for both possibilities when you go do that: OW is there or not. What are you gonna do in each case? It seems to me that you weren't ready for it to clearly steer you one way or another, just MHO.
In the phone convo, you DID tell him clearly that bowling is hanging out to you. I think spelling it all out for him one last time was a good move. He can't claim to not have understood what you meant anymore.
How long has it been since I had a good cry? Not long enough. I thought those days would be getting and fewer and farther between but I feel like I'm back the middle days (in the early days I was just numb).
I would love to chalk it up to being hormonal. Can I please?
Was talking to JD in the alt and said I was disappointed that there was no word from xBF today. I'm not ready to take him back and still not sure I want to, but I keep hoping he will care enough to make some type of effort. I guess not and that's enough to tell me what I need to know.
JD suggested that I'm all over the place emotionally and that xBF may just be confused and usure of what to do now. I will allow for him not knowing what to do, and I am a little all over the place emotionally, but not in front of xBF. I told him plainly what I expected and he has obviously chosen not to respond.
I think the emotions are in response to letting down my guard for a bit while we talked last night. When I decided to kick him out of the house, I was done with him. I closed off my heart to him and made the decision to move forward without him. When he first asked for another chance it was so pathetic it was laughable. But he persisted and I thought it was only fair to at least think about trying because that is what I wanted when I started this.
Now I'm disappointed, sad and feel like I've taken about a hundred steps backwards. I'm really regretting even considering taking him back because I didn't want to be hurt by him again. But I know that I am responsible for my own emotions and that was the risk going into this.
I need to get back on the detachment bandwagon. Fingers crossed I do it before I eat the whole carton of ice cream.
And at least I have great hair.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 03/20/0905:06 AM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
{{{Pearl}}} HA..yes great hair and ice cream is an AMAZING combo on the path to healing LOLOL
You know, I just dunno if men don't THINK at all like us..guys help me out here..but I ALMOST asked you if you'd heard from xbf today..because I, like you, think that he should have been sending you flowers or trying to get up with you or something..you know the whole "crawling thru broken glass to get you back" scenario..
Tawnya
Me:39 H:40 D18/S12 M20/T21 Bomb 10/11/08 One Two Three Four
You have done a wonderful job standing strong in the past couple of months. I didn't see any backslides until the past few days. You do seemed to have taken a few steps backwards though and have actually been in pursuit mode. Showing up at bowling, then calling him, and then pressuring him by telling him what you needed and wanted are all backslides and pursuit, which I think you have found out, very seldom work..... I think you know this now.
Okay. That said.. What is the game plan from this point?
I believe that you have your answer. He lied. He said he would never lie again. He did lie again. He needs to see and know that it WAS and IS a DEAL BREAKER. There is nothing to talk about. Nada. Zilch. Zero.
As I read and try to get a take on your mindset, it is coming across to me that you are actually happier WITHOUT him. Since you have opened the door a sliver, it looks and seems if it has made you less happy instead of the other way around.
I would recommend that you drop off the face of the earth to him for the time being. Do not return any form of communication from him. You need a complete 180 here. You got your answer. He can't be believed or trusted. Why would a person even want to be with someone who had a chance to make things right, and then is caught red handed so easily.
You are right witht the fact of gaining your self confidence. He dropped the ball. It doesn't seem that what he does is enough for you anyway. Trying to make him into someone he isn't, is futile. He doesn't get it. You gave him an opening. Slam the door shut for awhile.
This will set you up for your "I have done some thinking and this is what I HAVE DECIDED" speech at a later date.
He lied. You caught him in his lie. He told you he would never lie again. Your answer is before you.
I would go into complete darkness and dealbreaker mode. His loss. She can have him....
Pursuing doesn't work. He can't pursue you when you aren't moving away from him. Let him wonder why you are not returning communication.
You have done a wonderful job standing strong in the past couple of months. I didn't see any backslides until the past few days. You do seemed to have taken a few steps backwards though and have actually been in pursuit mode. Showing up at bowling, then calling him, and then pressuring him by telling him what you needed and wanted are all backslides and pursuit, which I think you have found out, very seldom work..... I think you know this now.
Okay. That said.. What is the game plan from this point?
I believe that you have your answer. He lied. He said he would never lie again. He did lie again. He needs to see and know that it WAS and IS a DEAL BREAKER. There is nothing to talk about. Nada. Zilch. Zero.
As I read and try to get a take on your mindset, it is coming across to me that you are actually happier WITHOUT him. Since you have opened the door a sliver, it looks and seems if it has made you less happy instead of the other way around.
I would recommend that you drop off the face of the earth to him for the time being. Do not return any form of communication from him. You need a complete 180 here. You got your answer. He can't be believed or trusted. Why would a person even want to be with someone who had a chance to make things right, and then is caught red handed so easily.
You are right witht the fact of gaining your self confidence. He dropped the ball. It doesn't seem that what he does is enough for you anyway. Trying to make him into someone he isn't, is futile. He doesn't get it. You gave him an opening. Slam the door shut for awhile.
This will set you up for your "I have done some thinking and this is what I HAVE DECIDED" speech at a later date.
He lied. You caught him in his lie. He told you he would never lie again. Your answer is before you.
I would go into complete darkness and dealbreaker mode. His loss. She can have him....
Pursuing doesn't work. He can't pursue you when you aren't moving away from him. Let him wonder why you are not returning communication.
Pearl, my concern about you being "all over the place" was concern for YOU - not your relationship, not what xBF thinks.
You were strong, resolute, you were having fun, moving on, and I know how hard it is to look backward. I just didn't want you to lose that, screw xBF.
But you did - and now you know that you made EVERYTHING clear, you laid it clearly on the line, there is no room for "well, I didn't know".
At this point, I would say, unless xBF REALLY steps up his game, go to SF and don't ever look back.
But in the short-term, gucci is right on. You laid down the gauntlet. After more thoughts, in my opinion, by allowing xBF to talk to you after an affair, you have come 50% of the way.
LOL!!