What we each did wrong that hurt our marriage

[lees]

Lees' contribution to creating the marriage that allowed an affair to happen.

1. Not taking seriously the WAW's "the housework is making me ill." She may still not realise or admit that she has OCD, but that doesn't excuse me not taking it seriously enough to work that out until our marriage was burnt toast.

2. Not modifying my argument style. WAW likes to scream and shout. I like to walk away and discuss it when we're both calm. We needed to learn to meet half way. I was far too defensive in arguments, and that wound us both up. I'm pretty sure she mostly didn't mean to personally attack me, but that's how I often interpreted it. She interpreted me walking away as ignoring her needs.

3. Not communicating my needs, but just sucking it up and glossing over things and allowing resentment to build up as a result. It never came out in the marriage, but boy has it come out since it's been over. I won't be doing that again. Clear and brutal honesty all the way.

4. Ignoring the blatantly unhealthy relationship with one of my best friends and colleagues that quickly became the EA and PA. Should've seen the signs, talked about it and nipped it in the bud instead of thinking "she would never do that" about both of them and sweeping it under the carpet before it was too late.

5. Not learning quickly enough that her love language and mine are quite different. She needed actions - housework in particular. I am an old fashioned romantic, but whilst she seemed to like the cards, poems, gifts and surprises, what she really needed was for me to hoover and iron more often. Similarly she felt that by incessantly doing housework I would feel the most loved woman in the world, when what I really wanted was love notes and rose petals.

6. Letting life get in the way. Work, internet, general dross of life got in the way for both of us. We both seem to have found so much more time for hobbies and fun things since separation, that we never found in the last six months we were together. I won't let my hobbies take a back seat again.


Additional lessons learned include "once a cheater always a cheater" and "never marry someone who's parents don't think is capable of a long term healthy relationship - they know her best"

[stephanie]

Where did I pollute my marriage, well looking back now I worked a separate shift from my H and this rarely left for time for us to have alone and fun time as individuals and as a couple, but he always said he did not need a lot of 'coddling' from me. he was happy with the way things were except for he had no freedom. And when there was time for us to do our own thing or spend time getting away from the house and the kids, I always wanted him to be there with me. I was a little co dependent with him. But that was no reason to have an affair. In fact the affair started after I went to first shift and we could have time together. But essentailly I think that to begin with right from the star I was not as in love with my spouse as I should have been. I was in love with the idea of being someones wife. And that was the real pollution. But I don't believe I ever did anything to deserve him being unfaithful. And that is my honest opinion, and worse yet with someone who was supposed to be a 'friend.' But really it also boils down to track records and that is his. He has always cheated on his currents with the new until he can make the change.

[luvless]

STBXH kept saying I was "controlling" when he first admitted he was done. I could never figure this out. I was not possessive.

I was too controlling over MYSELF. I never fully let my guard down with him. He never got 100% of ME. I am a VERY guarded person...nobody's going to take advantage of me, nobody's going to f--- me over, I will not be used. I always had a wall up protecting myself from STBXH

OMG this is me! This is exactly what happened in my marriage. I had a reason to mistrust though. He lied and cheated with a girl when we were dating so even though I loved him still I lived guarded.

We always bickered in our marriage and things got discussed (because I had to talk about them) but he didn't like talking about issues. We did everything together and even 19 years later he'd be excited to come home to spend time with me. I think as I was beginning to "love" him freely I let my guard down and it was too late. I wasn't there for my former husband and he couldn't talk to me! or how I see it - never tried.

Anyway this is my story too. I do have a hard time accepting an affair as an escape though. No matter how bad a marriage gets - you leave you don't cheat and lie period!

Luv

[newmama]

I was too controlling over MYSELF. I never fully let my guard down with him. He never got 100% of ME. I am a VERY guarded person...nobody's going to take advantage of me, nobody's going to f--- me over, I will not be used. I always had a wall up protecting myself from STBXH

Same here! Plus--I stopped putting him first on my priority list. I also got lazy about nurturing our relationship

[soleil]

I know now something that really upset my H was going out a lot. I felt he didn't want to do things w/ me so eventually it was like we were leading separate lives. Have changed a lot since last year and hardly go anywhere (not that I'm a hermit but my life is not a socially busy anymore).

Also, I should have validated more of what he saying.

[maurinsky]

One big thing I did wrong was enable him for many years. I took care of everything and let him get away with not being responsible for anything, and I didn't include him. And I sometimes used sex as a negotiating tool, which is not cool. And I didn't always communicate honestly with him, and instead manipulated to get the result I wanted. I'm definitely at fault for some of the problems in my former marriage. But I did change those behaviors before he ever cheated on me.

[irishblessings]

I rarely post outside of MLC - but this is intriguing to me. My H and I were in MC off and on through our 25 year marriage. Initially because of my insecurities and lack of understanding/knowledge of how to make a marriage work. My parents were both addicts and it was a terrible model. I married someone I thought was SO far removed from the trashy way I was raised and I became obsessed with trying to do things the "right" way. I have always put H on a pedestal but felt as if he came from socially dysfunctional background and that I was always "studying" how to do things "right." I was always scared about him leaving. Well - at one point I read something about love being a choice and from that point on - I never turned back / no regrets - nothing. Love, love, love.

What I didn't see until about 5 years ago was even the good intentions of trying to do things "right" were very controlling. So I made a 180 - truly. Kids saw it, friends and family saw it. I got my priorities straight about the fact that the most important thing was my relationship with H and my need to do a better job respecting him and really listening and collaborating.

Problem was...H had by this point entered the MLC tunnel and all of the "good" work we had been doing was a charade. He was involved in sexually addictive or compulsive behavior and he had been lying his way through MC.

I have struggled today - since the separation 4 months ago - with the fact that where we are today is NOT my fault. His choices, his illness, his problems have caused such detachment from me and the family - I'm now working on forgiving myself for the controlling behavior and recognizing that I did not give up on the marriage. I am standing - just from a loving distance (thanks Brooklyn).

[~¤DG¤~]

It takes two to tango, maybe not 50/50 but the issues were not just his fault nor mine.
I could go on and on about the things I did to contribute to the end of my M but in all honesty I have beat myself up enough over everything and I just need to forgive myself and move on.

I will say though, that after being in therapy for almost 2 years, I have learned a lot about myself and finally feel like I have some tools that will hopefully allow me to have a healthy relationship in the future.

[notsurewhat2do]

I've been asked to share some thoughts so here I go.

How many of you are at a point in your recovery that you can accept that you added to the breakdown in your marriage?

When I look back on my own marriage I have finally realized that I'm partly to blame. Maybe I always realized it but was not able to admit it. I'm not talking about that piece of cr-p list your x gives you that lists all the things you did wrong. We all know those lists were made up as an excuse. I'm talking about the real negative contribution you made.

I always thought I had a wonderful marriage. Always bragged because we never had a fight. I realize now that that was a symptom of trouble in my marriage. We never had a fight because we never talked about the things we didn't like. We brushed everything under the carpet or carried it around in our hearts.


Eventually all that stuff eats away at the marriage and the strong base is gone. X started looking for something else and of course a new mistress was more than willing to give it. She sensed immediatly what I wasn't giving him and jumped in. It's not her fault he was out there available, she just saw an opportunity to improve her own life and did! It's X's fault and mine.

Now I'm not saying it's my fault the x ended up in an affair, he knew what he was doing was wrong and did it anyway. What I'm saying is I helped create a situation where he didn't think he could talk to me. I stopped being his best friend and he wanted one.

So my contribution to my own divorce is just that I stopped being my husband's best friend and it cost me my marriage.

Short of a spouse have a diagnosed illness I can't think of a case where we didn't all have some contribution.

So, here's the question, what was YOUR contribution?

Gigi

I full accepted my fault in my marriage. We are not divorced yet (as you can see by my signature), but I accept where things broke down and I admit it was as much my fault as his. We had some pretty weird circumstances, but the short end of the stick was both us were/are good at not talking for fear of hurting each other, I knew H was depressed and stressed about recent job loss/injury/disability. I accept that I wasn't on board with H's "dream" to be somebody in the hunting world. I accept that I kept things from him in an effort to protect him, which probably only caused him to feel shut out even more. I accept that after 2 years for waiting for him to be healed from injury, I got tired of being primary caregiving with nothing in return. BUT, I full accept that I needed to do more and H needed me to do more. I guess we are both hard headed and NOT mind readers.

Now I feel so guilty about it. I wish I could turn back time and just do the little things he asked me to do without whinning about them, just spend time with him. Would it have helped? Maybe not, but the pain is not knowing.

[Soul.Searching]

I have not read the whole thread yet but here are mine. I'm actually surprised how big my list turned out to be. This is the first time I have let go of the reasons why I did what I did and not tried to justify them to myself.


My inability to control my emotions.
My tone of voice and defensiveness.
Loosing hope of trying to fix key issues through communication and ultimately trying to control H instead. How stupid could I have been? Carrying on over someone not spending time with you, will only make them want to spend even less time with you.
Going down cheese less tunnels.
Too many expectations.
Not communicating properly. Eg attacking statements, saying H made me feel a certain way.
Not showing enough gratitude to H, Even if I didn't feel I was getting it either.
Relying on H for my own happiness.
Negative comments.
Not seeing the signs or choosing to talk myself out of them being signs.
Putting my own needs, wants and desires last.
Letting H control me.

Well, that's a pretty big list. The biggest by far that I have read. I've only read a few pages though. I guess I was way more responsible than I thought, even if I did that I was doing it for the right reasons at the time.