I think the bottom line to all of this is the fact that we are creatures created with a will of our own who can make choices.....even about love. I don't think anyone has fallen in love with a person they did not want to love. Movies may appear that women are swept off their feet in spite of fighting their feelings, but I doubt that in real life it is that way. However, we females may fantasize of that happening.....LOL.
That is a good point that I don't think has been made before. It reminds me of the myth of Psyche. Psyche marries the god Eros, but she is not allowed to look at him. And she falls in love with him and wants so badly to see the man she sleeps with. She fears that he looks like a monster. One night she lights a candle and drips wax on him, and he wakes up. It's a long story with a happy ending. But I guess my point is, if he had been an ugly monster, she wouldn't have loved him.
So, here's the thought that was running through my head the other day - what if we flip that question around:
Is love completely outside of our own control?
That would be the conclusion, if love is NOT a decision - wouldn't it? I wonder how many people would find that concept appealing or agreeable - not me!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Yes, but that is the commonly held belief. You are minding your own business, and bam! you get hit by Cupid's arrow. There she is, your soulmate! Of course, you have no choice but to go have a drink and then to the nearest hotel room! And when the dart wears off.....you make your apologies, it was supposed to last forever, there must be something wrong, and you wait for the next one. Isn't that how you live your life?
Here's a question for everyone. My parents' birthdays are tomorrow and thursday. What do you give a man for his 88th birthday, and a woman for her 80th? We will go visit them for the weekend.
Give them an experience if they don't need any more "stuff". How about tickets to some event that they would enjoy, but normally would not splurge upon? Off the top of my head, is the Glenn Miller Orchestra coming to town any time soon?
And if going out to a crowded theater is intimidating to them, then buy tickets for yourself and escort them.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Thanks. Those are all good ideas. I spoke with my brother and we are going in together on a necklace he liked for my mother, and a digital picture frame loaded with family photos for my father.
I appreciate your ideas. You both picked up on the fact that these people have enough "stuff" (although my mother doesn't mind new niceties for herself). My husband and I will visit them and spend the night this weekend. That is what they want most of all.
My mother suggested that since she and my father already had plans for the night we'll be there, perhaps H and I could get tickets to see the ballet. I gave it some thought and told her no. I said that I had tortured my husband with a dance event last weekend, and I didn't dare try that again. I really would have liked to see the ballet. Marriage is being thoughtful of the other person.
Better yet...why not find a good game to take your husband to? Your surprise. That would be fun to watch his face when you told him that on the way to the game.
Hi, thanks to Sara for starting this thread. Wdid and Sandi - can you guys explain how you went about getting your feelings to come back? My H semi-made the decision to work on "us" a few months ago, but he had that loving towards a relative feeling, no romance and no passion towards me (Oh God how much that hurts!!). I tried waiting it out to see if those feelings could come back for him, but it seemed like the more time that went on, the further apart we were becoming. He'd sleep in the same bed with me and we'd have no physical contact. I mean I would snuggle up to him and he'd make sure his body was touching mine, but he would not put his hands on me. No hugging, no kissing, of course no S. I finally told him I could not go on like that anymore and we've since separated again. It just hurt too much to know he wasn't returning my feelings at all.
I know he's been waiting for the feelings to just "come back." He felt that if we spent time together (it was just as a family, not as a couple though), then he would feel passionate and romantic towards me again and then have those loving actions actions towards me. I don't think it works that way when a couple has had 20 years together and have been through so much crap. So how does it work and how do you get to feeling romantic towards your Hs again? How in the world do you fall back in love with your spouse who you have drifted away from?
My husband and I were pretty rocky a couple of years ago too. He had an affair with his long lost love, and didn't want to have sex with me anymore. We had had a good sex life even when other things were bad up until that point. But after the family took a stand and made him lose his girlfriend he tried to put me on ice.
I put a lot of effort into seducing him back, even against his protests. I was lucky in that I was able to prime the pump, so to speak. After that, it was only a few weeks until the Retrouvaille weekend that we went to. It was the dialoguing at Retrouvaille and sharing our feelings about our lives in notebooks that rebuilt our relationship. The website for Retrouvaille is http://www.helpourmarriage.org. We followed their advice to the letter and more than rebuilt our relationship.
