Please help

[Can it work]

Hey LTL

Hope you're doing ok today? I just thought I'd pop on to answer your last post.

The author does indeed have his own website. It's http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com and also has a forum. I would warn you though that the forum isn't quite so forgiving as this one. Some of the guys on there take quite a hard line on standing up for yourself. I did find it useful in its own way though. I think if you can be subjective about it and use it in conjunction with this forum, there is a place for them both. Just don't expect many guys on there to have a sympathetic word for your W.

As for whether there are CD's available, I think there is indeed. I just got the book but I'm fairly sure it's available on disc.

Good luck and keep trying.

Kev

[lovetwinslost]

Kyle: Thank you for taking the time to respond. I understand your point of having goals. I do have goals. My number one goal is to avoid divorce. So far it is working. I believe that as long as my W and I are together than I am able to see my children all day every day if I'd like and I at least have 50% say in raising them in contrast to becoming a Divorced father and parent that may not be able to see my children as much nor having much say or being a presence in their up bringing. I hate the thought of losing my wife to another, her having the majority of the custody and time with the children, and then some other man is raising my kids.

I have a goal to hug and kiss my wife at least twice a day. I am able to achieve this fairly easy. The challenge is that she does not reciprocate and for the most part it is my impression that she tries to avoid me.

I have a goal to call or text or at least once per day to let her know that I care and that I am thinking about her.

I have a goal to have at least one decent conversation a day with her without conflict or controversy. This is not always so successful. She seems to consider any question a threat and most of her responses are argumentative.

I have a goal of setting up a date night at least once a month. Any more has not been successful, but at least one seems to work.

One might say that all of this is considered pursuing behavior and I agree, but I've tried the opposite where we never even speak or touch in other words give her ultimate space, but that gets me no results either.

Like I said the ultimate goal is to prevent divorce.
Another goal is to prevent another A. I believe if it were to happen again, I would pursue the ultimatum or make the effort towards the Big D myself.

I also attempt sex at least once a month, but am lucky if I get it once every couple of months.

I still need to make an effort to purse either a divorce coach or one of the other seminars that have been suggested.

I expend my energy with my kids, work, and doing what I am doing now surfing the net. Otherwise I am overwhelmed with pain, grief, anger, etc. All I really desire is some affection from her and I get none.

What else can one suggest as far as goals?

[lovetwinslost]

CIW: I checked out the website and believe I know where this guy is coming from. I don't believe that I am a nice guy. I am just passionate about my wife, marriage, and my children, therefore give her the space that she desires while still standing my ground. I mean obviously I can't force her to hug, kiss, and have sex with me. I could just walk away, but then what I am leaving my kids and I do not desire to abandon them. Believe me I don't back down when my wife initiates an argument, but the problem is she never sees my side/my point and therefore she gets even angrier and as I have said before has threaten or has actually hit me. She has threatened to call the police if I were to hit her back, so obviously I haven't ever done or even thought of that. I have told her I need a break and taken off on my MC on an evening or two and she doesn't say anything. I'll stay out late and come home when I feel like it only to go to bed alone and wake up havinng to take care of the kids. What's a guy to do?

[PositivelyMommy]

Hi LTL,

I like your goals, only I think if I were the one writing the goals, I would adjust them just a little bit. Rather than you initiating everything, I would want your W to be the initiator. E.g. a Date night every month, two hugs a day,etc should be all initiated by W, don't you think? Otherwise, you are just plain pursuing. I think what is happening is that she is feeling suffocated by your pursing. Maybe I am wrong, but that is what I hear from your posts. So in order for your goals to be effective, then they are only meaningful if your W was the initiator.

So then the $64K question is, how to get your W to initiate contact? You are not going to like the answer because you are a man-of-action. My answer (and this is only one gal's opinion) is you have to do a 180. You don't initiate any physical contact to get her. Firstly this is done to let her have some physical space (and no pressure to have sex) and secondly this is to get her curiosity going on what you are doing because it's something different. The old saying, if what you are doing is not working, do something different!

You may ask, if I don't initiate then I get nothing! Well, honey, you ain't getting much now anyway so why not give it a try. Why force affection and hugs if she don't want it, you don't want it that way anyway. You have to turn the tables and make HER the pursuer and yourself the prey. If you act like prey and she doesn't want to pursue then you have your answer anyways. She is not interested (not now and maybe not again, you don't know). But at least you have your answer. It's NOT the answer you want to hear, I know, I know EXACTLY how you feel but at least you are trying something new and changing the formula. Good luck.

[lovetwinslost]

Yesterday was my 9th Wedding Anniversary.
I called during the day to wish her Happy Anniversary. She acted like she didn't even hear me and proceeded to speak about something else. I said it again to make sure she did hear me. There was a silent pause and then she finally said the same. It was obvious that she didn't want to. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was tired.
I gave her a dozen roses and a nice card after work.
She didn't even say thank you. I asked her what she thought and she said the card was nice. I asked if I could get a hug and a kiss and I got the typical peck and I hugged while her arms were at her side. If she doesn't want me, I don't know what is up.
Should I stay or show I go...I ask myself this everyday several times a day.

[PositivelyMommy]

Why are you torturing yourself?

[lovetwinslost]

What do you suggest?

I thought in divorce busting we stay at all costs.

[lovetwinslost]

Today was my birthday. She saw me this morning and didn't even acknowledge it. I took the day and went shopping for a new car for her. I just got home. I had a few drinks along the way to celebrate my birthday. She and the kids had ballons and some ice cream cupcakes. I proceeded to hug and kiss her with thanks. She just then told me that she is leaving me and taking the kids. I said where. She said to an apartment. She said she can't stay here any longer with me. That she needs space from me. I can't believe it as it has been three years since the A and I believe I have given her lots of space. She said she feels nothing for me and never will. How hurtful. I said don't take the kids. She said she is not going to leave them with me. She said she will take them even with a fight. What should I do? I feel dead inside.

[PositivelyMommy]

LTL,

Please post in Walk-Away-Spouse forum right away. You will meet many others in the exact same situation who will check your post everyday. I am already talking with a couple of them. Read their posts to give you ideas.

Remember, don't believe everything they say and do. It's not over till it's over. This is not the end. Don't lose hope but don't pursue anymore. She is feeling stifled and that is why she is leaving. She needs to find her own way as well.

[lovetwinslost]

Will do thanks.