p- I dont think you are stuck "on purpose" you are just like me...you had a dream. We just have to have the courage to BELIEVE that God has a dream for us. I am stuck there right now.
Wierd thing happened-- found out that my x texted my sister last night-actually at around 3:00am our time!! Said some bs stuff...of how he was thankful she had been there for me and other bs. It is weird as they haven't communicated since summer... and it was not pretty!! Lots of very very very mean words....
just more drama....ugh
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
I am trying, J, I really am. I need to work on gratitude for what IS instead of worrying about what isn't.
Don't you just hate events like your X texting your sister? I mean, WHY??? It is like you are cruising along, doing great, and they have to stick their big heads back into your life in some weird capacity. And, as much as you don't want to, you end up spending time pondering the sense of the whole thing. Then, nothing comes of it and we end up beating ourselves up for wasting brain space on it all.
How did you KNOW that I was pondering, thinking and wondering! AH the life of those of us who were left. IT is the SAME isn't it. My sister was first very worried -- remember he tried to kill himself before... so she said she sat in the bathroom and prayed (and cried). She didn't cry for him,but for me and my kids. She prayed for God to reach him and more importantly that my x would foI will call it "fold" you know put in his cards and stop.
His montra is pity. Always has been -- and when i read what he had texted I saw his pride. He said "thank you for being a good sister when she (taht would be me) needed it most..." she didn't do it for HIM she didn't even do it for my kids --she was there FOR ME!! Long story but well in short she was 6 years older than me..she moved out to a college prep school when I was 9 -- i felt abandoned by her as she was my protector. Alot of really crappy things happened to me when I was 9 and my home was a bit violent. (never on me... but it was angry). But for years we were very combatitive. AND through this I have realized just how much I really really liked her and how much I loved her.
So when this all started originally the last person i wanted to know was her.. (remember I thought she didn't like me) and now -- she is the FIRST one that I go to...and she has been there for me through it all. the stupid stuff and choices that i have made--all of it. I really don't trust anyone -- but if there was ONE person that I want to trust -- it is her. I actually can honestly say I probably do trust her. That her motives with me are really pure adn for me and me alone.
My x-- he always has the wo is me syndrome. and false hummility. And yes being pulled in - though he didn't contact ME directly is messing a little with my mind.
CMNM we have to believe the GOD STUFF. It is the only way out of this mess. I am praying now that GOD will help me believe that HIS dreams for me are the BEST for me. And that means letting go of my ideals etc. and that is very very ahrd. Because we think are dreams are the best. (it is kinda confusing....and i believe until we EXPERIENCE it kinda hard to believe)
Ok enough babbling. My little one (who is stinking 12) hasn't felt good all weekend and my son is home for the last day of spring break. I am sad cause we didn' go to our new church -- but believe that watching out for my family is always best!!
Have a good day my friend.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
Weird stuff. Maybe trying to reconnect with sister in law, maybe not?
Did your sister say mean stuff or did your ex?
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Have a hearing on April 15. Child Support Recovery is taking over my case. Honestly X has paid ok...but I got tired of "wondering" if he was going to pay, when etc. I gave him ample opportunity -- even lowered it with him verbally through the holidays and he chose not to pay..... he forced my hand. Enough talk about the money -- done with it.
I got my notification this weekend..thinking he got his.
Last note... again thier selfishness. When xh dropped of d12 on Sunday he said "See you Tuesday" I said "Why??" He reminded me that she had a softball game.. even said "its over by me.." hmm do you think he showed last night?? NOPE!!
You know-- I am so so very sick of empty promises to my kids. He is doing it again with my son too. ALL these GRANDUOUS promises....
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
I am so stuck - so very very stuck. I want to live - I want to move forward and I believe I am. But I am stuck in this newness of "Single". I dont feel "married" anymore. That is wierd. I can say "I am divorced" I can call him my x now. I remember when I couldn't do that.... strange how time makes that happen. But I dont know how to do this single thing.
He and I have no contact anymore -- he doesn't reach out for friendship- conversation- nothing. Not evil angry attacks -- nothing. He drops of d12 and picks her up and we have a civil hello or a short convo. about the plans for the weekend...thats it. And yes - taht makes me sad. NOTHING from someone that you spent half your life with.
I CANT pursue a friendship with him. He doesn't want it..adn I dont think my heart could handle that. It would WANT more - much more I know it - I can't lie. AND again, he hasn't pursued ANY friendship with me. When I think about it -- it is JUST LIKE a friendship with another person....why would I reach out to someone to be friends with them when all they do is reject me? If it were my daughter doing that with a friend I would tell her to AVOID the HURT. So - that is what I am doing.. avoiding teh rejection...and isn't it funny you still feel rejected.
In my counseling we are so focused on me right now and it is really really difficult for me. Talks of doing things just for me - for cagzmom. Taking time for me.. It puts literal knots in my stomach.
I need to stop it - just stop! So much going on within me --- about me -- not about him and it is harder then dealing with the pain of him. This is wierd.....
I know I have to heal. Heal the hurt little girl. This is the tough part... this is when I decide to grow - or stay stagnate. I know I dont want to be empty anymore....but this is so much work emotionally.
ugh............
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
I hear and feel your pain cag. I don't think I've talked to you, but I've seen you on other people's threads. It is so hard. I was with h since I was 18 and now I'm 32. It's dam* HARD to have that person cut out of your life all of the sudden. Even with the problems going on, that was the person you reached for when you needed help or to tell someone something. The hardest habit to break is reaching for the phone to dial him every time something happens that you want to tell.
Stay strong, enjoy your kids, and lean on your friends when you need to. That's what I'm trying to do. Not that it works that well for me all of the time right now...lol but I'm trying.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
thanks soconfused... And I too have been "watching" you. You are doing wondeful!!
side note -- my car check engine light was flashing - not a good thing-- I did contact x. he said he would help (he works in teh auto field.) this all stirred up alot of garbage!!!!! but you use who you know when you need help.....and taht is what i did....
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
