Wow, a year sounds like a really long time! I have said before I have a serious lack of patience. I'll have to take things one day at a time, but I don't see myself slogging through this for more than 4-6 months if I don't see serious progress.
Pearl, I don't know squat about saving a marriage (check out my thread) - but a year isn't squat. I feel like my situation has only been a few months until I count the months up and realize holy smokes it's been 6 months? I'm half way to my divorce. Wow. You're right you have to assess the situation as you go to make sure you are on the right track: make a change, take your feedback, adjust your plan......continues on and on. When you change a process in order to make it better you have to give it time for the changes to have the desired effect. Your 4-6 months is going to fly by if you guys are working to make it better. I would think a year is going to go before the bad moves to a place in your mind that you don't have to force it away. But others that have reconciled can give you a better idea.
Originally Posted By: pearlharbr
And that's exactly my sticking point. I don't feel at all secure that he won't hurt me again.
This is going to take time but you should have some sort of idea if you are being honest with yourself. You request to quit bowling league will start to build on this
Originally Posted By: pearlharbr
And right now I can't see his good qualities outweighing the bad. The only thing I see working for us is the shared history. Is that enough? I'm not sure.
Like I said my marrage is in the toilet but this one should make you think. I don't want to talk you out of anything but you should re-read what you wrote here. Shared history is a great tool for a realtionship. Sharing memories will bring people closer but is there anything in your house that has more bad benefits that good. Those are called liabilites and people normally get rid of them. Perhaps you are mad, hurt or haven't made a list to really reflect on this. Perhaps the bad qualities are things he did in the past that won't be repeated? But if you have really given this thought and it is true you should take time to think about it. Sorry, just trying to be a friend.
I need to feel like he is willing to do whatever it takes to earn back my trust before I lavish my time and attention on him.
I understand your point. But do you think that this isthe way he's showing effort? By proving to you he wants to spend a Weds nite w/ you intead of OW. To prove he Wants you and not her. I think he's making an effort the way he knows how for now.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
Pearl, it just seems to me like you're daring him to succeed, and that you're being overly stubborn. And I am the KING of Stubborn, so I know what it looks like!
I'm not even saying you have to meet him HALF way, but I do think you need to meet him SOME way.
Yes, I do think this is his way of showing effort. And I am willing to reschedule my yoga classes in the future if he wants/needs to be with me on what was formerly bowling night.
But not the first week. Not after he has already told me he's not spending time with her only for me to show up and find them standing side by side.
I am holding out for proof through his actions that he is done with her. If he is so weak that he can't last one week without seeing her on his own, without using me as a crutch, then he is not the man for me.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I see your point 100% ;), but at the same time I agree with Puppy. It's confusing LOL. But I do think that since it's the 1st wk, now would be the time to put in some extra effort than farther down the road. That's just MO.
M:28 H:30 DD-9| DD-7| Baby- Due 11/10 T-14 | M-8
10/08- Bomb 4/09- Failed attempt at Marriage Fitness Program 3/10- WH moved out. 7/10- Informed me he's filing in Aug
I know I'm stubborn Puppy. But it's the only way I'm going to get through this. I cannot start out feeling like I'm giving more than my fair share, even if that's what it will take.
I know I caused our problems. But I can't get to the point of working on them until I know that he really wants to be here. He said many times that he only stayed with me for the past 5+ years because it was easy and convenient for him. It's not going to be easy and convenient anymore. I don't want to go out of my way to make it difficult, I just know that it's going to take a lot of hard work and effort on both of our parts. I am not going to take the pressure off him so early in the process. He needs to work at it starting right now.
And if he were some random guy I just met and was interested in dating, I wouldn't drop my plans for him the same day either. I would expect him to ask me out in advance and make plans.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
2gether, sorry if I come across too strong. I really do appreciate getting feedback from others!
I think this has been a long and difficult decision to make and I can only see it working one way in my mind. I'm ready to go with the flow in the future, but it has to start out on the right foot or else I don't see it working.
Plus I don't want to risk losing myself again. I know what I want and I'm not willing to settle for less.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I know I'm stubborn Puppy. But it's the only way I'm going to get through this. I cannot start out feeling like I'm giving more than my fair share, even if that's what it will take.
I know I caused our problems. But I can't get to the point of working on them until I know that he really wants to be here. He said many times that he only stayed with me for the past 5+ years because it was easy and convenient for him. It's not going to be easy and convenient anymore. I don't want to go out of my way to make it difficult, I just know that it's going to take a lot of hard work and effort on both of our parts. I am not going to take the pressure off him so early in the process. He needs to work at it starting right now.
And if he were some random guy I just met and was interested in dating, I wouldn't drop my plans for him the same day either. I would expect him to ask me out in advance and make plans.
Totally off topic...sort of...are you sure about signing over your share of the business to him at his stage? Do you have legal protection if you do? I know in my state it didn't matter who's name was on the business...it was a marital asset and as such was divided equally. Have you checked how it will be handled in your state given your status?
I only bring it up because if things don't work out, you want to be entitled to all the assets that you should be, and you don't want a long drawn out battle over that...you want to keep it simple if possible.
If you have already checked, and it's a non-issue, then it was a good move...showing your effort to make his life less complicated!
If you haven't, I'd be hesitant to sign over something without legal advice. In my case, even though it doesn't really matter because it's a marital asset, my attorney is still demanding a promissory note that says he'll eventually pay me for my part of the business...the market value of the business not just the value of the assets.
Other than that, I have to say, I agree on keeping your plans tonight. I might not have been able to do it, but I think it was the right move...just my 2 cents!
Amy
Me 39 H 36 S 7 S 4 T 15 M 12 H out 8/1/08 OW confirmed 8/6/08 D final on 6/12/09...I'm doing good!
- but a year isn't squat. I feel like my situation has only been a few months until I count the months up and realize holy smokes it's been 6 months? I'm half way to my divorce. Wow. You're right you have to assess the situation as you go to make sure you are on the right track: make a change, take your feedback, adjust your plan......continues on and on. When you change a process in order to make it better you have to give it time for the changes to have the desired effect. Your 4-6 months is going to fly by if you guys are working to make it better. I would think a year is going to go before the bad moves to a place in your mind that you don't have to force it away. But others that have reconciled can give you a better idea.