Well, having read the back and forth between Puppy, you and 2gthr. They do have a valid point when they say that he's trying to show you he wants you instead of OW. HOWEVER, in letting you know only the day of, with only a couple of hours notice, I don't think you should just drop everything to be with him. It puts you in a weak position. Let him show you in action again that he's not been to the bowling place before you drop your plans to accomodate him!
Thanks for worrying about my future Amy. I have thought about it and believe it will be ok since I have asked for the financial settlement to be drawn up now before we start anything else. We have agreed in principal to how to split everything up and I asked xBF to put it on paper. I think I may call him some time this week to discuss getting this done before we go out on Sunday.
Since we are not married, it's complicated legally. I have had a consultation with a lawyer to discuss these issues. Bottom line is that I can sue him for what I want, but it will cost a lot of money so the lawyer recommended trying to come to an agreement on our own. I didn't put any money into the business to begin with, xBF just wrote up the paperwork that way. And he points out that the business is losing money because they can't keep the houses rented so as a partner I should be putting money into the business.
So part of me wants to wait and see what he comes up with and the other part wants to draw up my own paperwork because I don't trust him to do it.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I'm glad that you have looked into the finacial side of things carefully especially with you not being married. Last thing you need is for all that side to go belly up on you.
With regards to your Yoga. I side with you for not giving in this early. I can see the thought process about making efforts early on, but who is to say that it wasn't HIS plans that went wrong and prompted him to see you at short notice? (must try not to be TOO cynical here )
It takes two to rebuild just as it did in the first place. This time however, there are new rules and indepedence should be high on your list of priorities. You like the new Pearl and so it seems does Xbf. If you start losing her and altering your ways too soon, that attraction may wane.
Just observing and learning.......(but since you asked )
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But not the first week. Not after he has already told me he's not spending time with her only for me to show up and find them standing side by side.
Yep. Good. I agree
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I am holding out for proof through his actions that he is done with her. If he is so weak that he can't last one week without seeing her on his own, without using me as a crutch, then he is not the man for me.
Smart, wise. Exactly as I would recommend
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I know I caused our problems. But I can't get to the point of working on them until I know that he really wants to be here. He said many times that he only stayed with me for the past 5+ years because it was easy and convenient for him. It's not going to be easy and convenient anymore. I don't want to go out of my way to make it difficult, I just know that it's going to take a lot of hard work and effort on both of our parts. I am not going to take the pressure off him so early in the process. He needs to work at it starting right now.
The only thing I don't agree with here is the "work" part. I don't view it as "work" to have a relationship with my wife. I view it as a great joy and privledge to have and be with my wife. Love works best when it is FREELY given and when the betrayed knows how to PULL IT AWAY if taken advantage of. Pearl has done an excellent job in this regard. This is why he has been turning around. She is right in being cautious here. IF he makes the right moves, then there is no doubt that she will WANT to do her part. I am glad to see that she knows and acknowledges this.
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I think this has been a long and difficult decision to make and I can only see it working one way in my mind. I'm ready to go with the flow in the future, but it has to start out on the right foot or else I don't see it working.
Correct and wise. Good thinking. Mature.
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Plus I don't want to risk losing myself again. I know what I want and I'm not willing to settle for less.
BINGO.... Anybody reading this statement? Strong, confident and wise. NEVER settle for less. Far too many on this site are settling for less than what they want. How sad. There are at least 15 men posting on this site right now settling for less than what they want because they are scared to stand up and show their wife that they will NOT tolerate someone who wants out. All doing basically the same thing with the same result. The blind leading the blind. They can't see how a strong stance of saying "enough" works far far better. As they continue to whine and complain and wave in the wind hoping that their WS will come back to them. O for 15 at the moment. Not good results in my opinion. Settling for less and willingly. Doing what isn't working. Not enough advice from successful men who know why you shouldn't be doing the things they are doing. Most of them have spouses interested in someone else and can't or won't face that truth. They have bought into a lie and are believing that she is "depressed or hurt" or any number of other excuses that aren't really the facts. The facts are that she has her mind on another man. Plain and simple. We can't talk about that though. I have been doing this for 20 plus years and I have still not seen how men can believe that chasing and hanging around trying to win a woman that doesn't want you works. IT DOESN'T. The woman just can NOT respect you and love you when she is showing a man that she is doing everything in her power to let him down easy,and yet he refuses to show her that he can and WILL let her go. When he does, is when he has his best chance to get her back. I have seen it again and again and again. Of course, why would we do what works huh?
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Valid point 2gether and Puppy, but I'm just not willing to go that far. If that's what he needs, then so be it. I do not want to start out with me giving something up for him. As far as I'm concerned, he is still the one who has to prove he is ready for the work. If he is going to be derailed so quickly and easily then it's better to know now. I need to feel like he is willing to do whatever it takes to earn back my trust before I lavish my time and attention on him.
He has already responded to my message with: Ok – any particular time on Sunday?
Good. Very good. Healthy. This is why you have such a good chance of this working.
All in all.... Very, very good job in knowing how to pull a man back to you. (you were wavering there for awhile, but you seem to have righted your ship)
Pearl's is a real success story thus far in the power of taking a firm but loving stand, and not "settling." We have literally seen her grow before our eyes!!
Pearl, sorry to hijack for a moment, but gucci's post made me reflect on my own sitch...
Originally Posted By: gucci loafer
BINGO.... Anybody reading this statement? Strong, confident and wise. NEVER settle for less. Far too many on this site are settling for less than what they want. How sad. There are at least 15 men posting on this site right now settling for less than what they want because they are scared to stand up and show their wife that they will NOT tolerate someone who wants out. All doing basically the same thing with the same result. The blind leading the blind. They can't see how a strong stance of saying "enough" works far far better. As they continue to whine and complain and wave in the wind hoping that their WS will come back to them. O for 15 at the moment. Not good results in my opinion. Settling for less and willingly. Doing what isn't working. Not enough advice from successful men who know why you shouldn't be doing the things they are doing. Most of them have spouses interested in someone else and can't or won't face that truth. They have bought into a lie and are believing that she is "depressed or hurt" or any number of other excuses that aren't really the facts. The facts are that she has her mind on another man. Plain and simple. We can't talk about that though. I have been doing this for 20 plus years and I have still not seen how men can believe that chasing and hanging around trying to win a woman that doesn't want you works. IT DOESN'T. The woman just can NOT respect you and love you when she is showing a man that she is doing everything in her power to let him down easy,and yet he refuses to show her that he can and WILL let her go. When he does, is when he has his best chance to get her back. I have seen it again and again and again. Of course, why would we do what works huh?
gucci, reading this, I have to ask: would I be one of those 15 men? I don't believe I am settling for less, but maybe you see it differently from an outside perspective. You don't need to sugarcoat your comments for me. I am open to any suggestions you might have.
Well, yes it makes total sense to men like me who have been successful with women over a long period of time. It doesn't seem to make sense to many on this site, or they would be doing a LOT of things differently. However, it is their loss if they want to continue down a cheeseless tunnel. Nothing wakes a woman up faster than a man with some guts and some morals and some strength to show her that even though he prefers that they work it out, he will NOT share and there is nothing to talk about EXCEPT how soon she is going to move out. It then gives HIM his self esteem and confidence back and he starts to feel better. She then secretly respects him because she knows what she is doing is against her morals. UNTIL he lets her go in that type of way, then he is destined to be the men this site. Day after day after day..... Foot rubs, back rubs, making dinner, cleaning up, watching the kids, believing her lies, let's go to counseling, let's communicate, "I validated her today".. on and on and on and on... Men such as me who KNOW better, just shake our heads in disbelief that these types of things are accepted and even promoted by others when they obviously have not been working. AND if they do, it is a very small percentage. (which I do keep track of)
If they want to do a true 180.. Imagine if some of the men that we follow day after day would do like the ole Gooch has suggested..... It sure makes the WS suddenly ask the right question or questions.. Which is .... "Is this what I really want now that he has "released" me and the choice may not be mine anymore"....
When the answer is to stand up and say to her with your actions.... I WILL NOT be in a relationship unless it is exlusive and unless we are both WANTING it. If it can't be that way, then yes I will be hurt, but I WILL go on. And then LEAVE HER ALONE and let HER COME TO YOU.
I am in the minority here on this site. The blind are leading the blind. Wives running around on the men on this site right beneath their noses and the men keep falling for the excuses the WW's are giving them. How naive. The women will keep doing it as long as the men want to fall for it. How sad, but oh how true.
Well, I wonder which WS gets a footrub tonight. (pathetic) (which is unattractive to a woman that is trying or thinking of getting away)
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Pearl's is a real success story thus far in the power of taking a firm but loving stand, and not "settling." We have literally seen her grow before our eyes!!
Love has nothing to do with it. HE didn't view it as loving. It has to do with self respect and confidence and what Pearl has been telling others now. Which is.... I will not accept anything less than what I want. Those who take that stance and follow it are the ones that get the results. It isn't loving "them" enough to let them go as it is "loving myself enough" that choose to let them go....
I had no doubt that he would turn around if she followed the plan. It sure works far better than the plan she started with huh?...
She now is in the reconciling stage..... Good for her and a testimony to being strong and confident and letting them go because you will NOT share with a third person....
As you know, I don't disagree with hardly ANY of that. I do think adding the "loving" part is important in that you can't just come across as a total DIKK to a WAS -- they have to still feel loved, and not just judged.
"I love you -- you know that -- but I also love MYSELF enough to not be willing to put up with an open marriage, one in which you continue to violate my boundaries of personal integrity" is, I think, the message they should be trying to convey.
Other than that distinction (which you're free to disagree with), I agree with everything you say.
Here's one of the other problems I'm seeing men, in particular, struggling with here: that's this concept of "I can't pull away, because her complaint is that I pulled away too much throughout the marriage." The problem with that is twofold:
a) "pulling away" (detachment) simply WORKS, and they're unilaterally disarming themselves of one of the very best tools they have to end their spouse's waywardness and draw them back to begin repairing the marriage; and
b) The complaint is usually bogus anyway, and is just another re-writing of marital history by a fogged out, usually-adulterous spouse -- the betrayed spouse is left responding to faulty data.
gucci, reading this, I have to ask: would I be one of those 15 men? I don't believe I am settling for less, but maybe you see it differently from an outside perspective. You don't need to sugarcoat your comments for me. I am open to any suggestions you might have.
You would make 16. I didn't count you in the original 15, but I was only on page 2.
I will take a look back at your thread and refresh myself on your situation. Glad you don't want it sugarcoated though. Good thing.
However, I went back to just look at a few things happening in your situation and came up with the following quote in less than 30 seconds. Just by this quote alone, I would already venture to say that, YES, you will be another man I am talking about. I will do my research on you from start to finish so that I know the whole story (as told from YOUR perspective) If you have a link to your other threads, that would save me some time.
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I still have not had any reaction from my W regarding the email. She does seem to be a little bit more open, more communicative with me. I will need to ask her pretty soon about it tho, because I have a list of availabilities from the MC.
Taking it slow! Giving her some time to process....
These comments from you are exactly some of the things I have been talkikng about. "Taking it slow", "Give her some time to process".... "She hasn't yet responded to my emai". etc. etc. etc....
The other 15 men (or more) I have tracked are doing and saying the same types of things. Same types of results. I keep hearing "patience" .. "she hasn't yet responded"
Almost verbatim from one thread to another...
The thing I don't see is....
She fell back madly in love with me and things are perfect and she is soooo sorry she did this to me and will never want me out of her life again.
One out of a hundred? Or don't you ask these questions? Or don't you ever wonder why so few seem to turn around or be saved on this site? Or are you scared to bring that up on this site? Why so few saved or reconciled? Why the same results from someone on here a week as someone a year? The facts show that the WS is STILL not sure. Doesn't anyone ask the question of maybe we are following the wrong road here?
Not me. I already know why. It very rarely works to "hang in there" "fight for my marriage"... when the WS is having an affair....
You show me more success of the things you are doing that actually works to save the marriage and I will start recommending them. For every one marriage saved, how many do you see still floundering? Why? Why not 5 or 6 saved per week some weeks if your ways are working so well?
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