Stepping out and Stepping UP!

[cagzmom]

some days i feel like i have grown and moved on..others no.

[cagzmom]

i am so stressed about going back to my "home town" that i have canker sours all over my tongue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[CMNM]

Get unstressed! You never know who you may want to smooch!

Seriously, Cagz, what's going on? What's stressing you?
((HUGS))

[cagzmom]

going back to the midwest for my sisters wedding...first wedding since the bomb so not looking forward to it. also going back to where i lived when we were a 'happy fmaily'

things are just stressful for me...

[TRUSTING]

I can certainly understand why that would be stressful.

You can only try to do your best.

It is a hurdle, Cagz.

You can do it.

[cagzmom]

been missing my x lately. i wish i could talk to him, like i would a friend that i have missed..just tell him how much i miss him. wish i could tell him that i miss his humor, his smile and our friendship. i wish i could look in his eyes - but i can't.

that part of all of this is probably the hardest right now. letting go. i thought today of death - and how similar this is. he has to be dead to me. no "going back" to what we had. it truly has to be forward life motion.

this whole process this is a continual cycle of change. about the time you heal over one part, you begin to grieve another part.

i wish i could write him a letter and just let him know... but i can't.

[tpaschal]

Cagz,

Once again, I'm right there with you. One day I think I'm detached, the next day I miss him. One minute I think I'm healing, and then something else hits me and I'm grieving again.

I'm tired of all exH's drama! I'm better at detaching, and I'm not sure I'm even "standing" anymore, but exH's actions can still put me in a spin! Why is that? Why do I let him get to me?

A letter sounds like a great idea---for you. Why don't you write the letter you wish you could send him, then burn it, shred it, or tuck it away for someday down the road. It wouldn't do any good to share it with your exH right now, but it might be really cathartic for you to just get it down on paper. Maybe you could even share it with your counselor or a friend you trust who would understand?

Hope today is a good day.

[cagzmom]

Dang softball games.... and this time x was late..standing behind me at the bleachers.. so I said "u wanna sit here..." he says yeah sure... and the night began.

he was a fidgety mess...it was weird normally he just sits still..he kept saying it was the mosquitos. Maybe it was

me..i was normal..nice tried not to pry or ask questions..talked about his work bla bla bla

wierd. just plain wierd.

now i stop and think about the empty conversation, cause that is what it was. think about the lie when i asked him "what did you do for easter?" and i know he went to vegas...he says.. hmm nothing.

again i go back to my own list..what do i want? honesty- integrity.... he doesn't have it.

[cagzmom]

i also realized something. our lives are not even on the same path....
i read my Bible, go to church, listen to God stuff. i don't have casual s**, i have been in counseling for 2 1/2 years, i am healing
he chooses to stay away from church (and i understand that one), hangs around people and stuff that is the opposite of God, does have casual s** and has run from his pain.

what do i really miss? it baffles me still.... cause yes I can tell you i still love him.

[CMNM]

I'm sorry Cagz!

I understand how hard it is--- wanting so badly for him to be the man that you and your children want/need.

Yes, you are healing. It takes a loooooooong time. I can't speak to how long- as I have no idea when I will be there. It is sometimes hard to even imagine it.

You have all of those wonderful things going for you that you mentioned- plus you are so darn cute that I doubt many men will be able to resist you if/when you are ready to move forward.

He's broken, Cagz. And if he doesn't want to fix himself he simply will never be whole. I know you know this- sometimes it needs repeating.

Lots of hugs-
P.