I am new to DB and would very much like support and feedback for my situation. My H and I have been M 6 years and in R for 10. We have D7.I originally moved from London to be where we live now; my H's home town. We have had a relationship over the years that has been up and down. My H has a chronic snoring problem that he has never bothered to fix so we have never been able to sleep in the same bed for any extended period of time during our relationship.When we were M my H didn't want me to take his name and I had to buy my own ring. I have often felt that my H was not fully in the relationship but i Love him and had sacrificed a lot to be with him in the first place. My H has been M before for about 22 years and has D26 and D15 from this M. Over the last 5 years, since the birth of our D I have pursued my career; obtaining a Masters degree and commencing a PHD that I am now in the final year of, as well as holding down a job. I have wanted to do that as my husband is a director and playwright and older than me (H 54, Me 38) and I have been worried about the financial security of our family. I have been travelling back and forth to London for the last 4 years to complete this qualification and to carry out some work. On January 2 my husband sat me down and told me that the marriage was over. There was no abnormal behaviour, no warning signs and there was no space for me to respond. His mind was made up. I pleaded with him for a chance for us to discuss things. He agreed to a period of time to see what may emerge in our relationship but was very dubious about any possibility. During this time we were in sexual contact but he was furious with me about it, saying that it had to stop; that it was dishonest and immoral because the feelings for me just were not there. January 21 he came to me and said that he didn't want t lead me on; that his mind was made up and he did not want to continue; his love for me is dead and he was never going to get it back. he denied any presence of OW. After attending a wedding on January 30 of mutual friends I broke down and was very upset.My H moved out and terminated our M once and for all. During the months of Feb and March I have been in hospital and have had two major ops; I have been in agony for around one month.I am still awaiting biopsy results.My mother has flown from Australia to be with me and is living with me and my D in the family home. I have found out that my H has been living with his Development manager of his company and has been in a relationship with her for a while, definitely before Jan 2. I am devastated. He is pushing for a speedy separation. He has completely erased me as a person from his life; he will only talk to me if it is relation to our D. This happened once I found out about the OW and called him on it. Last Friday I was forced to issue a Protection Order on him, with grounds for a Safety Order which will be sorted in our Court Hearing on April 17.I have down this because my H has been saying he will move back into the house -23 days a week once my Mum leaves in order to retain his legal rights around the house and our D. I feel that this is immoral considering his R with OW and the fact that he is committing adultery and has deserted us. The sad thing is that i wanted none of this to happen. I desperately want to save my marriage but he is resolute and steadfast. He is a different man to the man that I married; any advice on whether this can be saved?
Oof, starting a relationship and marriage where you can't take someone's name, and have to buy your own ring - probably not promising signs for the longevity of the relationship.
Probably you can supply more details, but initially my suggestion is to focus on your D7. Kids are the ones who get hurt in divorces, and have the most long-lasting effects. It's "easy" to go get a new boyfriend - not as easy to go get a new dad, or figure out what your relationship is with a stepdad and so on. She needs to be assured of her innocence in this, and she should be your highest priority.
If you want to do ANYTHING to save your marriage, run it through the D7 filter first: is this best for her? Am I putting her first no matter how I feel about H? And so on.
Secondly, I would then protect yourself, and it sounds like you're handling that with the orders you've filed, and so on.
His age is certainly right for a MLC (mid-life crisis). Also, I'm sure the traveling you've had to do has impacted your relationship.
Can you supply more details of the last few months? I'm curious if there are marital problems, or you were just gone alot, and he found someone that would talk to him?
Thanks JonF; The marriage has been difficult in some respects. i have felt alienated a lot of the time; he has been very involved over the last ten years with his two girls from his previous relationship and his ex-wife; often having dinner in her house once a week and staying there over the years when she is away. About 4-5 years ago I met someone who lives in London. There was never anything physical in this relationship (at his insistence) but I became emotionally attached. I felt alone and he gave me the attention that I, at the time, was looking for. I told my H about this; I was honest as I was confused; I certainly didnt want to lose my marriage. He told me that I needed to decide. And I chose my marriage. It has taken me a few years to really come to terms with how much I want this; and committing fully to my marriage. I asked him last year about going into counselling; we went to one session and he never went back again. Yes, over the last few years I have been away a lot. But it has always been with his blessing. I spoke to my H very seriously about taking on the PHD in London and he has supported me all the way.I was away approx. 2 days a week in term time.I do think that he felt alone and i think that he felt that our daughter was neglected by me and me being away has damaged her (I see no damage of any sort; we have a wonderful relationship). But my H has supported me in it all and had certainly never made the extent of his unhappiness clear until he left. It has now got to the stage, especially after the Protection Order, where he wants nothing to do with me. He has told me that he does not want to be in the same space as me etc.He has said over the last few months that I have treated him like a doormat for five years and he is not going to put up with it any longer.He has erased me from his conscious. When I was in hospital he was showing concern, care, kissing me on the mouth, hugging me, stroking my face but all the while going back to the OW. When I found this out I was so hurt. I have changed my life around since the beginning of January. I have given up all my travel, the PHD,I have based myself in the house and will be reurning to my old job in September. I have given my H everything taht he has always asked for. He acknowledges taht there has been radical change but it is too little, too late. I am devoting myself to our daughter and, at the moment, I have primary care. My H is going through a very rough time with his company. Just before Xmas he was told that the funding that supports his company (he has already lost it once before, when his first marriage broke up and he went into a two-year depression) had been dramatically reduced and he will now be in danger of losing it within the year. His sister is also dying (she is on oxygen 20 hours a day) and a son from a relationship that he had had when he was 20, is bi-polar schizophrenic and a drug addict. It is like I have been on a journey for the last few years and I have come full circle to find that he has left n his own journey. The signs of a MLC are there, new mobile phone when he has never used one before, boxer shorts, snoring spray. He has refused to tell me where he has been staying over the last few months but I know it is with the OW. I love him, I love our D, I want my marriage back. I have put action at the front of my intentions, not just words. I am committed to living the life with my D that we had set out to do, out of honour for my H, but he does no want to be a part of it. Thanks so much for your time. Any one else out there, your feedback is very much appreciated
M: 38 H: 54 D:7 S/D's: 15 and 25 M: 6 years R: 10 years Bomb: 2nd Jan I dont love you: 2nd Jan left House: 1st Feb OW: December 2008 Living with OW: Feb 2009
Am trying to fight for my marriage
please, i would love some feedback to my situation....Thank you
Have you read Divorce Remedy? If you have it...jump to The Last Resort Technique. That's where you fit. If you don't have it....read everything on this site about it. In a nutshell....back off of him. Make him miss you.
Do not do anything that is pursuing: calling, emailing, etc. If/when he does contact you...your attitude needs to be NON-CHALANT. And this is going to have to be a very long-term plan for you.
Don't snoop, you already know he's having an affair. The only value you will really find in that is to find out what is appealing to him about the OW and what was appealing about the exW. ALSO recall what did he really like about you when things were good.
FOCUS ON THE POSITIVES. What you focus on EXPANDS.
Also---more positive is more attractive. Have lots of fun. Love isn't always fun, but fun very often leads to love. Enjoy your daughter. Pamper yourself. I have been through lots of stress and heartache in my many years.....and I've found.....the sooner I decide to really enjoy what and who is around me, the better life is for me and everyone else. So now...I get to that much sooner. So really try that (maybe you are).......because you deserve to be happy.
Hang in there, and don't let anyone talk you out of what you want.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
btw--I saw you posted on the MLC forum, and while the folks over there are wonderful....I do not think your situation is attributable to MLC--and I think focusing on that and getting involved in those discussions will distract you from making progress as quickly as you'd like. I'd like to encourage you to stay on Newcomers, and seek the advice of those in Piecing.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I really appreciate your feedback. I will get DR and look up the last resort technique. I am not contacting him, and giving him his space. yes, you are right; i know he is with OW and I cant change that; i can only change my own actions and thoughts. i am lucky, i have wonderful friends who i love and who love me. i have this wonderful site. i also have faith in god that he will create the perfect outcome for us all. i guess i feel that at the moment he is so far away, especially because of the order that is placed on him. that was a very difficult decision to make but i had to do it. i needed to regain some of my own power in the situation. his decision has changed my life and has made me think about what i really love and want in my life. love is patient etc; i have this on my desktop. it is my mantra. yet by loving myself and taking out the order on him; am i loving him. is it tough love in the sense that i am holding up a mirror for him to see himself? i feel that i want to move forward in my life with honesty. love.integrity. i am leaving a door open for him but he has to want to see the door and knock on it. i cant show him the way. and the way things seem at the moment; in both his words and actions, is that he wants absolutely nothing to do with me, permanently, except for care for our daughter. he has said it has been because of the order; that all of his goodwill for me has gone. thankyou for your time, love is patient and love is kind. love never fails.
a quick update....... spoke with H last night about Easter access for our daughter. he is in a despising mode with me at the moment and was ringing from OW house. I am trying to be as facilitating as possible but am not agreeing to some of his proposals about our D re childcare for the next week. I was also sent a letter yesterday from his solicitor accusing me of not playing fair and reasonable in the refusal at this stage to be meeting with him and both our solicitors to move things forward quickly to a resolution, it has been only 2 1/2 months since my H walked. It feels so raw and I feel insulted that he has thought so little of our ten years together and that he finds me so indispensable. H has also asked for an adjournment of the safety Order hearing on the 17th. I am starting to get angry now; but also wanting to keep that all in check. Is this what happens when someone doesnt love you anymore or is it that he is in crisis? Please help.......
