For the spouse who has Walked Away

[View]

This thread seems to have died out...so here is some new life for it...

I just wanted to say that DB seems to treat us like we are mentally defective...that we need to be cured...We are bombarded with psycho-babble terms ("fogged" "going dark")...We are lectured to that marriage as an institution is more important than anything (even being happy in it)...This might explain the high religious content to some of the posts...

Don't even get me started on all the silly abbreviations...a language unto itself!

Many of the posts out here are filled with the most vile, ugly comments hurled our way...which is fine if name calling helps people feel better...

Is it possible...just possible...that after much painful deliberation we came to the decision that was best for us...?

I guess that doesn't sell very many books, tapes, sessions, etc. though...

Peace!

[AJM]

Is it also possible that the WAS is the one that gave up? That professed values and then found that they lied and couldn't live up to them? i.e. false advertising? Could it be that the WAS didn't do everything they could prior to deciding that selfishness was the only way they could be happy? That there is no way to work through their issues?

Could it be that is what makes the rejection so hard?

Name calling? I suspect that goes both ways, no?

I personally try not to call names. I'm sure I have done it out of frustration. I do honestly love my WAS. I realize through this process I lover her enough to let her go. As if I could have ever kept her from leaving right?

I hear what you're saying. I'm trying to provide another perspective in hopes of understanding what you're getting at. I don't understand walking away from commitment. I never have. I hope I never do. But for WAS's it seems they have found a way to walk away from theirs.

Can you help me understand that part of the process? Perhaps it would provide the most insight to those LBS's that are trying to understand the other side.

"Without common understanding, there can be no common sense"
Humbly,
-AJ

[dday101798]

Hi View, and thanks for sharing your view (sorry couldn't resisit).

I'd just like to maybe send a positivie vibe your way. Through being here I've come to meet a handful of WAS'. And each and everyone of them have been very helpful and supportive in showing us LBS' the 'view' (did it again ) from the other side of the fence that we can't see. I regard them as good friends in this crazy world we all live in as a result of whatever happened in our marriages. But I for one certainly do not regard any of them as mentally defective or what not.

And let's face the grim fact as it may be, what would you say is the actual ratio of left behind spouses versus walk away's on the site? Probably a rather small number on the later half, of which i applaud you for being here.

It's just hard to fathom for most for half a second how disacknowledging those commitments made in front of family and friends in sake of making the best descission for one's sake as the only option. I'll tell you, I'm certanly no 'holy roller' and was married non-denominational. But no matter like mine or any specific religion, it all boils down to the term UNITY. So when that unity is broken for the sake of one's self, despite, better or worse, sickness or in health, and all, there's the problem in trying to understand how the other person who vowed those same promises can just up and leave, especially when there is children involved you know?

Now, if they changed the saying from forever "til death do you part" to "however amicably endeavorous" or "X amount of years" then I'm sure a lot of folks would be feeling a whole lot different when the bomb drops you know?

Sure there's 'mudslinging', name calling on everybody's part, you know you have a few new not so nice pet names for your spouse after all this right? I would like to say it's overall nothing personal to the walk away masses, but more an individual thing, however i can't say entirely as I don't read every single thread on here, but none the less, you get the drift.

The terminology, yeah I couldn't agree with you more there, still don't understand but a few things of it myself.

But overall, unless the acts that make you leave are of a endangerment to you is becoming another statistic for the books really the only answer?

I realized a while ago after creating my thread that the particular forum was intended for WAW's to come together and post, for that I do humbly appologize to all.

dday

[AJM]

As I re-read some of this, I think something else stands out. One of the difficulties that comes out of being a left behind spouse is that we didn't see it coming. Why is that? Did we bury our heads? Did we just live in a far off land and not realize that things weren't working? Did our spouse just leave prior to leaving, make a decision for what's best for them personally (vs the couple) and then finally get up the courage to tell how they felt?

Or did we expect that working through issues was part of being married. That being in love is a choice and not something that a leprechaun just magically bestows on us when we walk through the woods? (that was humor or humour if you're on the other side of the pond).

I don't hold any grudges. I've asked my WAS if she could have done this any other way. I believe her when she says no. Does that make this any less difficult? No. Not for me nor for her.

What if the WAS told their "partner" how they felt long before? What if the WAS was honest about their own feelings long before the "bomb" as the LBS considers it? Why do LBS never see this coming?

Religion aside, I think dday makes some good points. This was a partnership. A friendship. A trusted area of your life where you trusted yourself to your partner. You also trusted your feelings and your innermost thoughts with your best friend and partner. At least at one point you did. Then you decided that it wasn't something you could do any more. The deal was broken. You turned on your best friend (from their perspective) and seem surprised that they are hurt or that they lash out.

Partnerships are just that. You share the joys and the burdens. When you stop doing that, it hurts.

My additional $0.04 anyway (USD)

AJ

[dday101798]

What if the WAS told their "partner" how they felt long before? What if the WAS was honest about their own feelings long before the "bomb" as the LBS considers it? Why do LBS never see this coming?

I think in almost every case I can safely say they did, we just weren't listening. That's why I tell all new lost LBS to figure out what it is THEY did to cause their spouse to lveave

[View]

Dday 101798 touches on an important point. For years I thought I was sending out signals anyone could interpret that I was not happy. Still, my LBS considered it a "bomb" (wow, maybe I can sling this terminology). Beforehand, the feeling I would always get was along the lines of "well, where the heck are you going to go?" In other words, I felt very taken for granted.

My situation had it all--we were saddled with mountains of debt, alienation of affection, didn't see eye to eye on much of anything...Of course, it was never like that in the beginning but our "commitments" are expected to never change when the entire world around them does.

Perhaps all this made me a prime OW candidate, but I do not feel like I was hoodwinked, stolen, fogged, beguiled or any of that other crap. The day came when I simply realized I was in love with someone else...and that could not happen if I still loved my former spouse...

I do not feel dysfunctional, mentally deficient, evil, or any of the many other things we WAS are called out here. Someone once said if marriage required 1 year and ten thousand dollars to get into, and divorce required a cheap certificate from the courthouse, we would have a helluva lot fewer divorces. We all know it works the other way around though.

"Getting out" was very traumatic and I take my fair share of the blame for that. If there was a mistake to be made, I probably made it. Still, the LBS did a lot of damage too, and all in the name of a commitmant that was no longer worth the paper it was printed on.

In the end, as crazy as it sounds, I chose the divorce option for the kid's sake. No one will ever understand that...but it was the only way I could see them without the LBS around. The kids were used as tools to get me to come back...and I resent that to this very day.

So...in the end...although maybe some of us are on opposite sides of the fence so to speak...maybe there is a way we can still help each other...

[dday101798]

So...in the end...although maybe some of us are on opposite sides of the fence so to speak...maybe there is a way we can still help each other...

Exactamundo!

And thanks for sharing your story. I can understand your position. I don't neccessarily agree with the outcome, but that's truly none of my business to debate, to each their own.

Also, thanks for clarifying what I said earlier, often times, the 'signals' are sent, but never received.

[AJM]

The day came when I simply realized I was in love with someone else...and that could not happen if I still loved my former spouse...

Just so I understand, can you replay that for me? How did you get to be in love with somebody else when you were still married? I don't get that.

I am a man of deep commitment. I don't make them lightly and I stick by them at my own cost. Why? I am not naturally wired that way but I realized as a younger man that the world changes. People change. My commitments are something that don't have to if I guard them properly. I do. So I have a hard time understanding that part of the relationship you are in or had.
Don't get me wrong. I am NOT suggesting that you stay in a loveless relationship. It takes two people to make a relationship work. But that's just it - it takes work. Not communicating? Work on it. You'll get it right if you BOTH try. Think you're communicating but your partner "doesn't get it?" - then you're not communicating. You're talking at your partner, right?

In the end, as crazy as it sounds, I chose the divorce option for the kid's sake. No one will ever understand that...but it was the only way I could see them without the LBS around. The kids were used as tools to get me to come back...and I resent that to this very day.

No, I get it. I can see how people would do that and may not even realize they are doing it. I can also see how, if you and ex are not communicating you could take it that way even if ex didn't intend or realize that it was happening that way. The losers in the situation are the kids. No matter what. And you only do such things when there is a lot of feeling involved. Your ex hasn't moved on yet right?

I do not feel dysfunctional, mentally deficient, evil, or any of the many other things we WAS are called out here. Someone once said if marriage required 1 year and ten thousand dollars to get into, and divorce required a cheap certificate from the courthouse, we would have a helluva lot fewer divorces. We all know it works the other way around though.

Humor. that's good to see. Obviously, you have some doubts about what happened and are trying to understand the events. That would be a large part of the reason you are here. You otherwise would have no reason to discuss this situation with people here. Or defend what you have chosen to do in your life. If you are totally comfortable with the events and can say it won't happen to you again, then there is really no need to revisit. There is nothing you're going to gain from this that I can see. Even the sense that you're teaching people like me the other side of the fence, won't buy you anything. You have a relationship with another man that you're totally happy with. You're comfortable that you couldn't have made your choices any differently. You're comfortable in your own skin.

I don't think you are mentally ill, deficient or evil. I think you are the product of your choices. I think you may be a person with a regret or a piece of left over doubt. I hope I'm wrong because that would suck for you if you did.

Best of luck to you in your new relationship.

[kai]

For years I thought I was sending out signals anyone could interpret that I was not happy. Still, my LBS considered it a "bomb" (wow, maybe I can sling this terminology).

You sent out signals? Did you ever actually sit down and tell your spouse that you were unhappy and that you needed to seek counselling and perhaps a divorce, or did you just send out 'signals' that you expected to be interpreted correctly?

Maybe your LBS really was caught off guard! Maybe he/she just thought you were chronically constipated.

It appears you expect the LBS' to behave in a more mature manner and accept that people, situations and marriages change while it's perfectly acceptable for you to behave in an immature and cowardly fashion.

[naej]

It appears you expect the LBS' to behave in a more mature manner and accept that people, situations and marriages change while it's perfectly acceptable for you to behave in an immature and cowardly fashion.

View I apologise for this. It probably justifies why so few spouses who have left their marriage come here to post.
I personally think you have alot to offer in terms of understanding how a marriage can just fall apart.
You have to consider that alot of posters are very new to being LBS's (sorry hard to avoid site terminology) and therefore their pain is still raw and b/c of this they may be less than charitable.
Yes the one who walks has alot of lables put on them, for some LBS's it is how they cope, they have to believe that the person they loved are sick or mentally ill in some form or other,they have to believe in severe MLC symptoms how else can they hang on to the hope that one day their marriage will be restored (and some are)
I know nothing about your story and haven't seen you post, but wanted to say thank you for your courageous attempt at giving us your pov as that of a waw and to say we do not all subscribe to the previous posters thoughts.