Letting the shoreline go

[optimist]

To be perfectly fair to men, I think most of us girls (if not all) feel flattered and love attention from men even if we do nothing to follow through with their interest. So, your friend is generalizing on something we all do. I think rjd is right when he says it is the following through that matters.

Also in defense of your H, he could have found it awkward or even downright rude to dismiss this girl. If you see my thread from yesterday, you'll see that I am as much preaching to myself as to you .

The thing is something happened today that made me realize how much I am torturing myself (and my H, though him less thanks to my friends in the BB) with suspicion. Bear with my rather long tale: it actually has a moral to it.

This morning, at his request, I took H to the airport for a day bussiness trip to Houston. When I picked him up at one of the places he works at, I thought he smelled different and made a 'are you wearing cologne?' comment. He thrust his arm towards my nose and said 'you be the judge'. I dropped him at the airport and he actually said ILY . I asked him to leave his cell phone open, to call him if I needed to and he got a bit upset 'but I'll be in Houston' but agreed.

So I leave the airport in good spirits and return to work to the same place he had just left. I'm doing my stuff and see a note in H's handwriting saying in case of problems until 7 pm to call him at a Dallas number. I got all worked up, copied the number and spent the 1 h mixmaster-traffic-jam trip to my own office working out how to catch him in a lie. The s**-of-a-b**** had told me he was going to H and was at a Dallas number, etc,etc,etc. Luckily traffic was at about 1 mile per hour!

When I got to my office I checked the number again, ready to look it up at anywho.com and guess what? It was awfully similar to my H's cell phone number, except that there was an 8 instead of a 4. He had made a mistake when he jotted it down (and who calls his own cell phone). So, I had made a mess of a perfectly positive morning by jumping to the very worst conclusion at lightning speed! Talk about ASSumptions!

I'll quote myself in a post to Sage (am I lazy or what?)

We should get reassurance from our spouses behaviour. But part of the problem is that after all we've gone through (and are still going through) we fear to trust even in our own eyes. We trusted once and our trust was betrayed...

We have healed up to a point and are still healing. But now that things are better, the fear is more: we know it can be OK, the goal is within our reach (with time, hard work and lots of help, but it is possible)and when you know that the thought of failure, of going back to where we were becomes unbearable.

Before, at the beginning, we were in despair and we prepared for the worst. We learned that we could and would survive the breakdown of our Rs and still be strong and able to build ourselves a better life. We suffered, we cried, we learned.

But know, things are better. The unbearable pain is gone. We can sleep at night and function. Our R has hope. And we cannot bear the idea of going back where we once were. Of having suffered so much just to be back at the starting point.

So we want to be certain that it will never happen again. And of course that is not possible. The only absolute certainty after birth is death. Everything else is up for grabs .

[mockers2]

Hello everyone - Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Frustrating not to be able to read and post.Thank you all for your posts. Hearing your opinions and thoughts helps so much. Tomorrow I should have time to read and post more.

Brief update: Talking with my H last night about paying bills, and he said remember that we have to pay the rent at the other house for one more month. Trying not to get ahead of myself, but I was so excited. This is the first indication from him that he will let that house go. I said that yes, I had planned to pay the rent there on Friday, and didn't give him an indication that I was so glad to hear that. I also know that things could change , and he may change his mind once he returns home, but hearing it gave me hope.

Today he called to touch base with me and said that he missed me. Again, trying to keep myself under control and steady, but I was so happy to hear this.

Hope to catch up with you tomorrow. Take care ~

[optimist]

WOW, I am impressed. That is progress indeed!! Congrats!

[dotto]

You are living proof that prayers are answered!

God bless.

Dotto

[Dagny]

Mockers,

That can't be a simple slip, that has to be a clear indication of his plans. yeah! I am so happy for you. You stayed strong and it is going to pay off!

Thank you for all your support on my thread.

Jackie

[mockers2]

Good morning everyone ~

I hope you are all OK this morning. I finally have a little time to read and post. First of all, I want to thank all of you for reading my thread and posting. It means so much to me. I spend alot of time thinking of you and your wonderful examples of strength. Especially when I hit a rough spot and find myself fearful. I appreciate very much you all sharing your time and thoughts here. I learn so much from reading your threads. This bb is really a stabilizing factor for me. It helps so much to "talk" to those who are experiencing something similar. I have friends who are supportive for sure, but there is a different kind of support from those who have been here. I cannot say thank you enough. God's hand led me here.

Lumpy ~ such great news! Happy 7.5 anniversary! Thank you for stopping by here and checking on me. Hope you and your family are continuing to do well.


Optimist ~ I agree that you can torture yourself and your spouse/R with suspicion. Why it took me so long to realize that i]I am miserable when I awfulize and act suspicious, I don't know. Can't get it through my thick skull? I feel much more at peace when I let go of all that obsessive/fearful thinking. It is a hard habit to break.

I also see what you are saying about the fear being more when things start to improve. I'm right there with you. Have to work every day to fight that. I keep telling myself that I don't want to live my life in fear (Anyone seen Strictly Ballroom? ) This is something I continue to struggle with. One thing that is helping me break this habit is my children. I definitely don't want to teach them to be fearful. Getting better about this - just need to work on this in baby steps as well.

I listened to those CD clips - thanks for the link. Strange how so many of the songs fit!

Hope you are doing well today.


RJ ~ Thank you for your thoughts. I agree with what you said about guys (and girls too, Optimist) liking to know that they are still interesting/attractive to others, but that acting on it is what's important. Thanks for not hitting me with the 2x4, I had been hitting myself with it pretty well already.

Quoting RJ:

Now is not the time to start mistrusting him. I know it's hard if he had an A on you once already but you have to live for now.

This is so true and is what I have been feeling for a while (I tried to say this above in my response to Optimist). This seems to fit with the "act as if" principle. Thank you, again, for your insight. Hope you are hanging in there. Oh, when I was visiting H, we saw a band that consisted of two guitars (base and acoustic), bongos, other percussion (the guy sat on wooden box drum and had all sorts of other things that rattled), a middle eastern type of bagpipe and fiddle, and drums. The vocalists sang in several different languages (Spanish, Farsi (Sp?)and English0. At times it sounded like Celtic music, other times Latina and Middle Eastern. Similar in a way to Rusted Root, but not exactly like that. Really great, interesting music. Made me think of your band for some reason.


Quoting Jackie:

For some reason on the BB we get drawn into different people's threads, some is just luck, the right timing, but here is an element of that person that attracts us to them.

I agree completely. It does seem in alot of ways that you and I are alike. Overall strong, but with a streak of self doubt. Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I have found myself wishing we lived closer. Maybe someday we could go to a Flyfest!

The whole self-esteem thing is so hard - especially when things aren't going well in the R. I remember my father saying to me years ago to be very careful about my low self-image, that it could kill our R. (I remember thinking "What do you know, Dad?" Should have listened to him more closely.) But throughout this painful time, I am seeing more and more that my self esteem needs to depend on me, and not on how my H (or anyone else) feels about me. I have to continually remind myself that I am doing these things for me, and not for anyone else. I feel that things are improving now in my R, but also realize how quickly I could return to my old habits/ways of thinking and that things could change quickly as we continue to travel this confusing path. It's a struggle to keep the focus on being strong on my own, for me, no matter what happens, as opposed to thinking I'm being strong to get H's attention, or for the kids, etc.

You are a wonderful example of strength and perseverance, Jackie (also with a great sense of humor, IMHO ). Some days, when I'm having a hard time, I think of you doing karate and it helps me feel stronger! You should tell yourself the same things you told me. You are strong, and are showing your H and children this. You are also standing for your M - giving your boys an example of standing up for what you believe in, and in standing by someone you love who's having a tough time. Thank you, again, for your encouragement.


Brief Update:
I think it's official, although I know things could change at any point in this roller coaster ride, but I think this is a good thing - When I went to pay the rent at "the other house," the landlord said that he appreciates my husband letting him know he won't be needing the house, and that they would be careful not to disturb any of his stuff while showing the house to other renters.

I realize that things will be different when my H comes home, and that the road is still long and rocky, but this is one of my goals from the very beginning of all this mess, so it lifted me up a little to here someone else "confirm" that my H is giving that other house up. Still proceeding with caution.

I was wondering about your thoughts on this - I am clear on some things that led to my H's unhappiness with our R, but am less clear on what led to the A. Maybe they are the same, but this is something we haven't discussed. Do I ask my H? Or just let this come out on it's own when the R talks begin? I don't want to rush him and hesitate to bring up anything negative (the idea of discussing the A at all makes me sick )when things are improving, but I also don't want to repeat the same mistakes again. Any thoughts on this would be appreciated very much.

Thank you ~

[grislen]

M,

I think that you let it ride for a while. I think it will come out eventually. I would just the good times keep on rolling. You are doing so well at staying stead and relaxed and all. Im so happy that this is really starting to work out for you.

Keep that chin up you deserve it.

Lee

[optimist]

I am glad things are going so well, Mockers. And I would go with the tide for now if I were you. Well, I did, when H first came home. For the first month or so, no R talks just enjoying each other's company and trying to appreciate what we had.

What I have found more difficult is actually to still my very busy mind. I see suspicious things in the most stupid developments. You may want to have a look at my threads: hopefully you will not commit my mistakes The substance of my thread is I have to work on myself!

So, enjoy your new honeymoon now. You will have time to discuss the R later. And when weird thought start to surface (because they will) breath deeply, shut up and vent in the board, not at your H. Been there, done that, got all the T-shirts

[mockers2]

Thank you Lee and Optimist - I appreciate your thoughts so much.

I'm going with keeping my mouth shut for now. My H will be home in about 10-14 days, so I'm going to start forming some goals for when he is living with us again. I too worry about the negative/suspicious thoughts popping up. I'll have to be very careful, as I feel sure acting jealous or suspicious at all would set us way back.

Hope you all are doing well today. I have scanned some of your threads and want to read more - whenever work allows. Hang in there everyone ~

[optimist]

I am plagiarizing from T2' threads, but her goals and prior problems struck me so much that I thought you might want to look at them.

Things NOT to do:

At Tal's suggestion, this is a list of T2's sins of the past reconciliation/cohabitation attempt:

1- I was pathetically clingy
2- I didn't get through a single day without bringing up the A in one form or another
3- I snooped (checked his cell daily for in and out calls and kept a written record of them
4- I paniced every time he was five minutes late.
5- I challenged every excuse/reason he gave for just about everything
6- I brought our lack of intimacy up so often I think he couldn't have gotten "in the mood," if I was a perfect 10.
7- I stayed moody and sullen to much of the time

UGH no wonder it didn't work....reading all that, I , just had the urge to leave me

And things TO DO:

Geesh....okay, here's my ACTION list:

1- TAKE A DEEP BREATH BEFORE letting what's in my mind come flowing out my mouth.

2- But TIME between my fear and my reactions to it.

3- WATCH....don't just listen LOOK for the positives don't twist them into negatives

4- WRITE DOWN THE POSITIVES...they're to easily and convienently, forgotten by me

5- KEEP DOING WHAT WORKED

6- Be loving even when HE'S drawing away

7- HOLD his hand instead of ALWAYS waiting for him to reach
for mine.

8- Remember to acknowledge HIS "acts of service" (don't
slip back into the taking him and what he does for
granted mode)

9- STOP remind him of the A...stick to the NOW and ONLY
refer to the past with regard to where WE went wrong.
The As DIDN'T destroy our marriage, we did that
together long before the As happened. THEY were a
symptom NOT the cause.

10- Look as good as possible always be attractive

11- Let him know I love him

I mean, if someone else told it much better than I could, why not listen?

Good luck! And best wishes!