Letting the shoreline go

[mockers2]

Thank you Optimist - that is so wierd - I had just read those exact passages today! Great advice!

[grislen]

M,

My suggestion is to stay calm and always have a plan. Some times that doesn't help but it has helped a little bit in my sitch. Just keep thinking and your head on straight and you will do fine.

Lee

[Dagny]

Mockers,

I love how everything is going for you.

I like getting your goals down now, before he gets there. That will give you the opportunity to stop and think, is this getting me closer to my goals? I really think that simple thought can save us grief in when we react negatively. Sometimes we do need to confront, but when the iron is cold, when we can calmly discuss things.

Think about what you want for this next stage. How are you going to go about getting it?

He likes you strong and confident, keep that up! You can do it.

Jackie

[KutieKat]

My suggestion is to stay calm and always have a plan.

great advice!

kitti

[mockers2]

Thank you Lee, Jackie and Kitti ~

Lee~ Those are great suggestions. I think it's key to be able to stop myself before I fall back into our old patterns. It would also be very good if I ever get to the point at which I am able to stop myself from responding with a knee jerk angry response, before thinking. Having a plan is important - this means I need to come up with some specific goals.

Jackie - I have found that one thing that has helped me is to have goals to read. Something tangible and specific that I can look at each day. This helps me see the small positives and stay focused on the small steps I need to take. Having a list of things I'm working on changing in myself also helps me stay focused. Reviewing my goals also makes it easier to bring them to mind in the tough moments. One of the most useful phrases in DR, I think, is the "filter" of "Will this get me closer to or further away from my goal?" Ijust need to get better about consistently using it. (It even helps with the children. )

Think about what you want at this next stage. How are you going to go about getting it?

You are so good at pulling out a concise question to help me get started. Thank you for your clarity.

You are right that my H likes me strong and confident. Now, if I only truly felt that way more often. Making progress, but still a long way to go.

Kewlkitti ~ thank you for stopping by. Hopefully I'll get to read your thread soon.

Update: My H will begin his trip home in about five days. This gives me a little time to get myself up and get some things done around the house. He has been really kind the last several days - calling me just to say goodnight or to tell me something he knew I would think was funny. I have played the messages on the answering machine several times. I can't quite believe it.

Goal brainstorming (Just beginning - not specific - need to get them down while I have them in mind):

For me:
1. Feel more confident
2. Exercise
3. Eat well
4. Get enough sleep
5. Forgive those who have hurt me during this time
6. Continue to pray, pray, pray
7. No snooping
8. No clinging
9. Act as if I am confident in my H's love for me
10. Continue to develop patience with the children
11. Continue to see my H with empathy, to recognize that he has been hurting too
12. Try to live every day in faith and not live in fear
13. Keep track of me - looking back to pre-bomb times, I seem to have lost myself somewhere along the way (Having alone time helps - nurture my interests, see friends, etc.)I have started going to a girls night out- we eat at someone's house - with some friends once a month and am planning to join a book club with some of the same girls. .
14. Learn new skills - photography class, yoga.

House goals - I have a separate list. Continue Flylady program.

R goals:
1. Date night once every two-three weeks
2. We will go to Retrovaille
3. We will pick a new church and go back to mass
4. Balance of individual, couple and family time
5. Continue and strengthen new communication skills (discuss without arguing - key here is for me not to raise my voice or be sarcastic; also includes no interrupting; continue to listen and validate)
6. Trust him
7. Show him that I trust him
8. No R talks initiated by me
9. Speak calmly and softly if/when H initiates R talks
10. Run things through the "filter" before speaking
11. At least 10 deep breaths or put myself in time out before I speak when I feel angry

Rough and off the top of my head. I'll keep working on them and post revisions. Thank you all for your comments, thoughts, support and encouragement. Thinking of you and keepping you and your families in my prayers.

[Dagny]

Just brainstorming with you!

1. Feel more confident
2. Exercise

3. Eat well
From Flylady: Plan meals one week ahead, grocery shop with a list and meal plan.
4. Get enough sleep
5. Forgive those who have hurt me during this time
6. Continue to pray, pray, pray
7. No snooping
8. No clinging
How do you define this? I think specific actions would help you realize what you are doing, I think we can become clingy at times and not realize it.
9. Act as if I am confident in my H's love for me
How do you show that?
10. Continue to develop patience with the children
11. Continue to see my H with empathy, to recognize that he has been hurting too
12. Try to live every day in faith and not live in fear
Is there something you can do every day to reaffirm that? Meditate? Read a certain passage/verse in the bible?
13. Keep track of me - looking back to pre-bomb times, I seem to have lost myself somewhere along the way (Having alone time helps - nurture my interests, see friends, etc.)I have started going to a girls night out- we eat at someone's house - with some friends once a month and am planning to join a book club with some of the same girls. .
Big one here, put the goals more definite--will join book club, etc. I think we all have lost part of ourselves. Any other things you can add or is this a good start? Sounds like it is, like the once a month dinner, sounds great!
14. Learn new skills - photography class, yoga.

House goals - I have a separate list. Continue Flylady program.

R goals:
1. Date night once every two-three weeks
2. We will go to Retrovaille
3. We will pick a new church and go back to mass
4. Balance of individual, couple and family time
How? How do you define this? If you are achieving this what will you be doing?
5. Continue and strengthen new communication skills (discuss without arguing - key here is for me not to raise my voice or be sarcastic; also includes no interrupting; continue to listen and validate)
6. Trust him
7. Show him that I trust him
Examples?
8. No R talks initiated by me
9. Speak calmly and softly if/when H initiates R talks
10. Run things through the "filter" before speaking
11. At least 10 deep breaths or put myself in time out before I speak when I feel angry

I think your list is great. The more you continue to be strong and confident, the easier it will get!

Jackie ( I tried three times to change the color of my font, but couldn't get it to work!)

[mockers2]

Hi everyone ~ Hope you are all doing well today. I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

Feeling a little down today - will vent here to try and prevent venting to my H.

H was supposed to leave today to come home, but so far, there's no indication that this will happen. He is packing stuff, but no mention of beginning his trip home.

Last week he had been saying how he was really ready to get home, and that he'd leave on Monday and head straight home (no sightseeing on the way), and now it's Monday, and what's he doing?

My suspicious side says maybe he's changing his mind now that it's really time to come home, but this probably isn't it.

I'm just tired - our oldest child is sick again.
It's just hard to hear "I'm going over to _____'s house tonight. They invited me to dinner." When I've been caring for the children basically on my own for 8 months now. I wanted to say, "Get in the car and come home. I need a break. I'm tired of doing this by myself." Of course I didn't say this and feel sure I didn't let my H know I was thinking these things. I said something like, "How much fun to cook out. They sound like a nice couple." And stuff like that.

Despite the fatigue, taking care of the children on my own for this time has truly been a blessing. I am much more confident as a mother (we did a 5K - I walked, they rode in a jog stroller - for breast cancer a few weeks ago. This is something I would never had done by myself pre-bomb.) And I cherish this time with the children so much - they are precious and changing every day. They grow up way too fast. I don't understand how my H can be away from them for such a long time.

Our oldest child has also been saying some things like, "I don't love you, mommy. I love daddy." and "I'm not your baby, I'm daddy's baby." I know she doesn't mean this or even really understand what she's saying - she's only two and a half. I'm guessing this is one of the ways she is dealing with his absence, but it still hurts a little to hear it.

Sorry for the sadsack post. Just think better to post here than to let my H hear all this. Thanks for "listening." This bb is truly a blessing.

[mockers2]

Also wanted to say thank you, Jackie for the brainstorming you posted. Still working on these goals.

[holdingon]

Mockers,
Maybe it's in the air... again. I too am feeling a bit down today.

And I cherish this time with the children so much - they are precious and changing every day. They grow up way too fast. I don't understand how my H can be away from them for such a long time

I don't understand this, either. I would think even when you are feeling completely selfish in your MLC mode you would still feel you are missing out on something. My kids are 15 and 13 and the time with them is definitely fleeting. My H is missing out on days and days...

Yes, I AM strong... but today I am lonely for H. I so want to SAY "just come home, we can work it all out" when he calls. But I don't. To be honest, I feel like exploding I want to tell him I love him, come home. Oh well.

[holdingon]

Mockers,
Maybe it's in the air... again. I too am feeling a bit down today.

And I cherish this time with the children so much - they are precious and changing every day. They grow up way too fast. I don't understand how my H can be away from them for such a long time

I don't understand this, either. I would think even when you are feeling completely selfish in your MLC mode you would still feel you are missing out on something. My kids are 15 and 13 and the time with them is definitely fleeting. My H is missing out on days and days...

Yes, I AM strong... but today I am lonely for H. I so want to SAY "just come home, we can work it all out" when he calls. But I don't. To be honest, I feel like exploding I want to tell him I love him, come home. Oh well.