Letting the shoreline go

[Dagny]

Great reading list. I like the reminder from the Chicken Soup book, I need to get that. I don't want to miss out on their lives because I'm in a fog. I didn't realize their was a praying parent book, I just got the praying wife. I hope last night went well. Would love to see some of those emails--need all the uplifting I can get at the moment.

Jackie

[e-mail]

[rjd5974]

I hope everything works well. YOu're certainly doing your part with that great plan you've got put together with the goals. Keep focused on that and keep taking in the positives that he is giving you. I have a good feeling that things are going to work out very well for you.

[mockers2]

Good morning everyone -

Hope you all are well today. Thank you Jackie, Optimist and RJ for stopping by. I appreciate your encouragement and support very much!

Update: H arrived home Friday night just as the children and I got home. Things have been going well. One puzzling thing to me - my H is acting like nothing ever happened. I guess this is good for now, and maybe there will be a time for talking about all that has happened. Just trying to enjoy things and stay focused.

Positives (Borrowing from Holdingon):
1. Moving stuff out of the other house
2. Talking of wanting to have another baby. (We're waiting on this. I feel we need some solid ground behind us before having another child, but I haven't said this to H yet. We will re-evaluate and talk again about this in 1/04.)
3. H thinks having a regular date night is a good idea.
4. Avoided falling into our old pattern of arguments yesterday. (I felt myself getting angry at him for something small - he went into work to fill out papers for his new job. I found myself thinking why do you have to do this today, when we're all home, instead of tomorrow when the children and I are at school/work? I know some of this anger comes from what has happened, and is just still there for me to deal with. It seems to have lessened or to have gone deeper within me, but is still there for sure. Need to really work on forgiveness here, as it seems the anger and forgiveness are closely linked.) H could tell I was upset, and asked was I OK. I said yes b/c I was afraid I would blow up at him. He knew I wasn't really OK, but let it go. He went to work, then came back, and things were fine. This isn't reaching my goal on how to handle disagreements, but it's a step in the right direction. One abay step better would be to say, I am upset, but want to wait to talk about this later. One thing H has really emphasized in the few R talks we have had is for us to be honest with each other. So, I wasn't compleetly honest yesterday, but we didn't spiral down into our old pattern which is good.
I saw something in Lee's thread about thoughts creeping in about how much the WAS has hurt the LBS. Someone -?KAW or Ellie? - called these thoughts "digs," which seems perfect. Quite a few of these have popped up, and I think it does stem from a desire to hear how sorry he is for hurting me. I just need to keep reminding myself to focus on the positives - he is home! And is giving up the other house. I'm sure this will take time.
5. H told me he is very proud of me for doing such a good job (not sure I feel that this is true) taking care of the house and the children.

Personal Goals:
1. Let the little things go without showing anger.
Steps:
*Take ten deep breaths.
*Put myself in "time out," something that has helped me with the children, when I feel myself losing my patience.
*Leave the room, go outside or to the bathroom.
*Re-focus on my goals. Ask myself if the thing I'm getting angry about is really important and if it's really what I'm angry about.

2. Be honest with my H when I'm upset. There is a fear factor here - I'm afraid to let him see me be angry. Afriad he'll leave again. Know I need to deal with this, as we will have disagreements. If I hold it in all the time, it will eventually come out - and more than likely in an innappropriate way.

Something for me to chew on. Thank you again for your support and encouragement. Thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

[imalright]

mockers,

One puzzling thing to me - my H is acting like nothing ever happened. I guess this is good for now, and maybe there will be a time for talking about all that has happened. Just trying to enjoy things and stay focused.

Ask T2 about this her H is home and that's how she feels!
My 2 cents; look for the positives, settle in and enjoy H being at home, don't rush things.
Patience!

Wow, this is wonderful news, I'm so happy for you!

Deb

[Dagny]

Mockers,

I think it is great that H is acting like nothing is wrong. I think it is his coping mechanism and also his greatest desire. Like when kids lie, because that is what they truly wish was the truth. They really wish they had not broken the vase, so make that their statement. It is their wish for how things should be or could be. H isn't ready to disect or analyze things, eh jsut wishes it was normal. That is my take, at least.

Also, seems like expectations are creeping in and taking hold. You have the expectation that he will logically use his time to spend all he has with you and the kids. He thought of something that needed to be done and did it, without thinkinng of it from the angle you did. If you don't voice what you expect from him, he won't know. Not that I know if it is good to tell him all this, jsut trying to present a different perspective.

I agree with just telling him you are out of sorts at the moment, but would prefer to discuss it later, if that is okay. Something that nicely postpones the discussion. Good idea.

I'm glad things are going well. Enjoy, you earned it and you have done a GREAT job with the kids and house!!!!!

Jackie

[grislen]

M,

I will tell you once my W decided to be married again. She hasn't said word one about being sorry. She acually thinks she did a good thing. We really haven't talked to much about it. With talks on this I would be very patient like you have been. Some times it is hard.

Lee

[mockers2]

Thank you imalright and Jackie -

Imalright - Thanks for the reminder to be patient. I need to hear that every day. Trying to read through your thread. Not enough computer time! Hope you are doing well today.

Jackie - You, as usual, have such great points. I tend to see things from the negative perspective - fearful me . But I think you're right in your interpretation about my H acting as if nothing has happened. Thank you for your clarity. Viewing my H in this way makes sense, but goes against my notion that my H couldn't possibly love me like he says he does, etc. Also, you are right about me not voicing my wishes or needs to him. This thought actually came to me yesterday in the midst of my anger, but I chased it away. Thank you for bringing it back into my line of vision.

Feeling a bit guilty now for nit-picking. I am truly very grateful to God that things are as they are, although I may not have sounded like it earlier. Think I'm a little fearful about things - just don't want to screw up. A little eggshell walking, I suppose.

[mockers2]

Lee - I think we cross-posted. You have a good point. (Why can all of you guys see so clearly, and I can't?) Maybe I should look at what my H and I have been through as a good thing too. Hopefully b/c of this, our M will be stronger than it was. I know I have been blessed during this time as well. Thank you for opening up the possilbilities for me to think about.

[Dagny]

You aren't nit-picking! You are in the middle of this all, it is so easy for the rest of us to throw things out, because we aren't living it. Just like you are doing with me! That is what we are here for, to give each other different perspectives and support. And hopefully have thriving marriages that the rest of the world envies!

[mockers2]

Hi everyone ~

Some inspiration for today:

too often we underestimate
the power of a touch, a smile,
a kind word, a listening ear,
an honest compliment,
or the smallest act of caring,
all of which have the potential
to turn a life around. ~ Leo Buscaglia


life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
~ Anais Nin


the purpose of life is
to live it,
to taste experience
to the utmost,
to reach out eagerly and
without fear
for newer and richer
experience.
~Eleanor Roosevelt


These have been helping me. Hope you all have a good weekend.


Peace
It does not mean to be in a place
where there is no noise, trouble
or hard work. It means to be in
the midst of those things and still
be calm in your heart.
~ Unknown


fear less, hope more;
eat less, chew more;
whine less, breathe more;
talk less, say more;
love more, and all good things will be yours!
~ Swedish proverb


finish each day and be done with it. you have done what you could. some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. tomorrow is a new day. you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. ~Emerson