Letting the shoreline go

[mockers2]

Thank you Deb! It is hard to do 180's I think, b/c they don't come naturally at first. I didn't even think of what I was doing as a 180 until afterwards. Thoughts of all of you keep me in line and help me keep my mouth shut. Some of the time anyway. Still a long way to go - it's frustrating to want to change so much and to find the old habits still have such a hold on me.

A few more positives from today:
1. H called and asked me to lunch.
2. Called me later and said he missed me.

Thinking of all of you ~

[mockers2]

Hi everyone ~

Just when I think I'm doing well - something happens that makes me wonder. Called H last night to let hime know I was finished here at work, so he could come and pick me up. He kiddingly said, "I'm at the spa." Kind of an inside joke we have. I said, where are you really? ( should've just laughed and said nothing. ) H said, "I can't tell you." I let it go and figured he was kidding about that as well, but the awful thoughts started and it was a little difficult getting them to stop. As it turns out, he had gone to the video store to get movies for he and the children to watch (I went over to a friend's house to eat - part of a girl's night out group, and H had the children to himself), and a couple for the two of us to watch, so I had nothing to worry about really.

Then on my way home from the dinner, his cell phone beeped, indicating that he had a message. I immediately felt sick - thinking what if it's the OW calling? (I have no reason to think they are talking or seeing each other at all, just a gut reaction I guess.) I took the phone in to him. He listened to his messages and told me who had called (two friends of his). I acted as if nothing was wrong, so I don't think he had any idea I was worried. And I just took him the phone and went about my business getting ready for bed.

This really isn't that big of a deal, but I can't stand that feeling I get - heart racing, sweaty, hands shaking. I'm sure it will just take time for this to stop happening. Maybe a long time after what's happened. I just don't want to live in fear about what he may do. Part of this will get better as time passes and I feel more and more comfortable with him again, but part of it is my choice. I can choose, to some extent (apart from the "fight or flight response" I have whenever something happens that reminds me of the post-bomb time) how I react to these things. I need to stop myself and pray when I feel it happening. I need to stay calm and think. Destract myself. Breathe. Remind myself of the positives and redirect my energy.

Also, I am noticing that thoughts of the OW are a little more frequent now - maybe b/c H's things from the other house are in our house. I find myself thinking - did she give that to him or did they pick it out together, etc. This is probably typical, and along with everything else, will get better with time. Just need more patience.

Positives:
1. H whistled at me this AM while I was getting ready for work.
2. H is holding my hand while we ride in the car.


Hope you are having a good Friday. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you and your families this weekend. Thank you again for all the support and encouragement. This bb is truly a blessing.

[holdingon]

Mockers,
This is all SO fresh, of course you are going to have those doubts... maybe its a curse. My thoughts are that the better your M is doing, the more tests you are going to have... Satan is not at all thrilled that you and H are back together. So, when this stuff comes up, know that it is because things are going along rather good! Your H did a great job of telling you about the phone calls, really validate that so he will know how important that was for you. Thank him for being so thoughtful about the movies. Remember, your H is trying. Don't let these negative thoughts bug you too much. Know that the further along this road you get, the less of them you will have. You are doing great!

[mockers2]

Thank you, Holdingon ~

You are right about the fears and bad thoughts being a test of faith. My grandmother, who is one of the most faithful people I know, has always said that fear is the work of satan. He uses fear to rob us of the joy in life. I try to keep this in mind, but that awful thought of what if he leaves again is pretty powerful. I'm sure the negative thoughts will lessen with time, as you said. I just need to be patient. Thank you for your encouraging post. H is trying too, you are right. I can't let my fear of him leaving again overshadow the good things that are happening.

I'll be thinking of you and your family tonight and this w/e. Enjoy the game and let us know about the appletini!

[Dagny]

Mockers, I agree with holdingon, this is so fresh, thoughs doubts are going to creep in, but it is what you do with the doubts that count.

I would think as time goes on and you are more confident in your H they will go away. Remember, the strong, confident person you have become? You have been through the worst and you survived, with style!

Keep up the act as if, eventually it will become second nature, until then, it sounds like the best tool to use.

You are doing great!

Jackie

[Dagny]

Oh.. we have a flybaby thread in just for fun, kind of a scaled back version of what the website does!

[mockers2]

Thank you, Jackie ~

You and Holdingon are right. I just need to be patient.

Thank you for letting me know about the Just for Fun forum! I have not looked there yet.

Update: Overall a good weekend. We stayed busy with the children.

Positives:
1. I forgot my lunch today and H brought it to work for me.
2. More hugs and kisses
3. We went with H's parents to see some of their relatives yesterday. H thanked me for going and said I did a great job (long car ride with two small children).


One of the most difficult things I'm dealing with at this point is our oldest child (almost three). If anyone has some experience with this, I'd appreciate input. She almost constantly wants her father to get her out of the car, put her to sleep, etc. I can understand this, as I know she has missed him terribly. I'm glad they have that kind of R, and very thankful H is back and is an involved father. She also will say things like, "Go away, mommy. Leave me alone." And seems to direct most of her anger/frustration at me. Most times, I'm able to let it go without saying anything, but it's getting old. I've cried about it only once that my H knows about. I'm still acting as if I'm fine all the time, so I try to keep this from my H too. When is it OK for me to let some more of my emotions show? So far I've really shown only frustration and sadness. And anger maybe once. Just feeling a little like I'm pretending.

[optimist]

My D did that for a while, but it wore off as she realized that Daddy was there to stay. Took a few weeks, and even now, nearly three months into Daddy-is-back-mood she will wake up and ask where is he. She calms down when I tell her where he is.

Try for patience, but it is OK to lose it once in a while. Yours might be too little to sit down and tell that Daddy is back for good, but maybe your H would like to try that 'serious talk' approach.

As for you: it is OK to be angry and frustrated and whatever. Feelings are neither good nor bad. Is what you do with them that counts.

I used to get out of the room to vent alone when they caught up with me.

[holdingon]

Mockers,
Why wouldn't it be okay to tell your D that when she says that it hurts mommy's feelings? That you know she loves her daddy, but she needs to be nice to you, too?

I think I would continue to act as if. If you are not comfortable being emotional yet, come here or cry outside or take a walk. I know how hard it is to not feel comfortable in your own home, and to feel you need to hide your true feelings. But, right now, I would play it safe.
Vent here or privately.

Take care of yourself.

[mockers2]

Thank you, Opt and Holdingon ~ I appreciate your thoughts very much. It is strange feeling like I can't truly be myself at home. The best thing would be a happy medium. To express my feelings in a calm manner - just don't feel safe expressing much of anything other than happiness right now. It will come with time just like everything else. Have to remind myself to be patient in all areas.

Holdingon - I've tried to tell my daughter exactly what you said and come to think of it, so has H. When I do, she cries and behaves as if her feelings are hurt. Just not sure what's the best way to handle it at this point. My latest strategy was to calmly leave the room. Who knows. Just don't want to screw my kids up emotionally. I feel like such a freak.

Now for another question - My H just called. One of his friends called and wants to go out. H asked if I preferred tonight or tomorrow night. I said it didn't really matter to me , but that tomorrow night might be better b/c I would be able to leave work early tomorrow and have dinner ready before picking up the children, etc. He said he'd ask his friend and see what would be better for him. In the past when H has gone out with this friend, they have on occasion had too much to drink and driven afterwards. This has been an issue somewhat. My feelings are that drinking and driving are an unnecessary risk. I have asked my H nicely before he went out not to drink and drive. I've also made the comment calmly after he has driven home when he has had too much to drink that I think it is dangerous to do this and would he please not continue to do this. I'm not trying to be his mom - just expressing my opinion. I've even told him that I would come and get him, no matter what time it was - all he had to do was call me. So, while I'm acting as if, do I say this again or go with the fact that I've said it before and keep quiet?

I'm also thinking will he stay out very late and not call? Already worried that I'll wake up at midnight and he won't be home and I'll start to worry about other things . (this happened in the pre-bomb months and it drove me nuts!)


Off to calm myself down and finish my work. Anyone who is around and can let me know what you think, I'd appreciate it. I hate feeling like I have trouble deciding what I should and shouldn't say. It stinks sometimes feeling like I have to be so careful about all my responses.