Letting the shoreline go

[mockers2]

Good morning, Everyone ~

Hope you all are doing well today. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Warning: Long, long, long, weird journaling post.

First, a technical question or two:
1. How do you quote long portions of text form one post to another? Do you just have to type it all out again? Or is there an easier way?
2. How to you save a post to your bb word file?

This is a dream I had Friday night (I am posting it b/c I couldn't believe how well it depicted my current fears, which is something I am really trying to work on right now. I feel this is one of the keys to me feeling more calm and peaceful, as well as one of the keys to improving our M.):

Some context: My stepmother knows about our S, but not about my H's A. She is the only one in my family who knows anything has been wrong, although I think my uncle may have suspected something.

In the dream, we are at my father and stepmother's house. My H has gone out on his own and is very late coming home. When he gets home he is very drunk. He's stumbling and falling down outside. (This happened a couple of times before the bomb .) I go out to talk to him and he is laughing and showing me some new shoes and a jacket he has bought for himself. (H bought alot of clothes and became more interested in "fashion" around the time of the bomb.) He tells me that he doesn't think this is working (the R) and says he thinks he is changing his mind about us. Then the OP shows up. I tell her that they are history. She kisses my H and says that no matter what happens with H and me, and even though their R is over, that they (H and OP) will always have "a history," and that there is nothing I can ever do to change that.

So, a list of my fears:
1. That H will change his mind about us and leave.
2. That the pre-bomb behavior will start again (staying out late, drinking too much, etc.).
3. That I will see that look on my H's face again. (The one he had on his face when he dropped the bomb.)
4. That we will not be able to get out of debt.
5. That I will always fear another A.
6. That H will resume contact with the former OP.

Insights from this dream:
1. Because of this rough patch, I am much closer to my father and stepmother (this is a good thing in that in the past these relationships have been strained. And from this closer R with my stepmother especially, I have learned alot about what it takes to have a long and happy/healthy M. My stepmother has been DB'ing throughout her M to my father without even knowing it!)
2. I am realizing that I will have to think about my life in a different/less black and white way. (more on this later)

On sage's thread, there are alot of good posts relating to the fears of the LBS once the WAS returns. Someone posted (maybe kharvey??????) that one thing we want is for the WAS to say/promise that everything will always be OK. This is something that is impossible to say. There are no guarantees that things won't get bad again. After reading this, I realized that this is one thing I've been hoping for - that my H will say "I'll never do this again. I'll never have another A. I'll never leave you and the children again." I know that I can't go back to the view of the rock solid marriage I had before the bomb (now I know this was an inaccurate view), but I feel that there has to be a middle ground. No, we can't promise to never hurt each other again. I know we will hurt each other, but I feel there does need to be a commitment from both of us to do everything we can to work on the marriage, with the goal of our M not only surviving, but thriving for the rest of our lives. The "for better or worse" part of the vows is there for a reason - I just want to know he's not going to bail the minute things get tough. (I'm looking ahead to the time when our parents will get sick and die, the trials, decisions, and disagreements we'll have raising our children.)

I don't want to live in fear that my H will stay until something better comes along. And feeling like I have to be "on my toes" all the time in order for him to stay in the R doesn't seem normal either. Yes, I'm willing to work my tail off for the rest of my life, but I want to feel he's willing to do the same. I know I'll be OK eventually no matter what happens, but I prefer to have him in my life as my husband. I would love to know he feels the same about me. Maybe his current actions are saying some of these things.

Positives update:
1. H, the children and I stayed at my father's house Friday night - H's suggestion. (H has only seen them briefly since the bomb. Hasn't wanted to talk to my dad on the phone, etc.)
2. H is being more physically affectionate (reaching to hold my hand, hugging, etc.)
3. H is calling me affectionate names, some of which he hasn't used in years.
4. H is helping more with the children (when they get up at night, etc.)
5. We have shifted the course of a conversation that was escalating toward an argument several times, so that the argument didn't happen.
6. H said blessing with me and the children. (This is something I am really struggling with, as H was questioning his reigious beliefs at the time of the bomb. I haven't brought this up, but my faith is a huge part of my life, and I want to share this with our children. We are currently not going to mass, and I really want to go back, but am unsure how H feels about this. I also beleive that you don't have to go to church to have a relationship with God, but I miss the feelings of peace and reassurance I had in mass. We were betrayed by the priest at our church after the bomb, so it would mean going to a different parrish. Don't want to "hide my light under a bushel," but don't want to push my H into something he's not ready for either.)

One thing I have noticed is that if we are in a situation that feels like it felt pre-bomb - even if we are having fun - I become fearful. I am now realizing that not everything about our pre-bomb R was bad. Big lightbulb for me! The trick is to tease out what was good/working and keep that part, and identify what wasn't working and rework those areas.

One other thing that has made me feel sad (saw this on sage's thread too, just unable to pin it down and put it in words)is that I'll always think of my H as having had an affair. The time of veiwing my H as always faithful is over. But, to flip this around, one of my greatest fears has come and gone, and by the grace of God and with His help every step of the way, here we are. Still standing. Still married.

Things I have noticed myself doing that I need to stop/work on/change:
1. Have done a couple of "temp checks" - a. When H started talking about wanting to start trying for another baby right away, I began wondering if this was another way to "run away" from our R, or from the "just the two of us" part of the R. Another attempt to fill the hole in him/us. A way to keep us so busy that we can't see what's missing or really feel what it's like to be us. I asked him if he thought that he would be happy during the time it was just us - when the children are grown up and on their own. Also if he thought he would be happy if we weren't able/decided not to have any more children. His answers were yes to both questions. b. He was having trouble sleeping one night - a frequent pre-bomb occurrence - and I asked if he thought he was having trouble sleeping b/c he wasn't content. He said no.
Both times I let it go with that, but I need to really watch this as it is my fear popping in.
2. I have been hypersensitive if my H makes comments about the house/or how I'm handling the children. This has been in the form of "digs" that I have not voiced to him, but I need to work on this. An example - the bathroom cabinet is not well organized. H said to me one night - indicating this cabinet, "This isn't working for me." He said it in a nice way, and was smiling. It is kind of funny - stuff falls out alot , but I heard myself saying in my head, "This isn't working for you? Give me a $%#@^ break! You try to take care of a house and two children for eight months, basically by yourself, and see how organized your bathroom cabinet is! Organize it yourself, if it's not working for you!" I just laughed at it and agreed and worked on it some that night. I want him to communicate with me about things, and to have input on the organization of the house, and I agreed with him - the cabinet bugged me too. I think the thing that bugs me so much about this is that he's been gone for nine months, so there's an angry part of me that says he shouldn't say anything about the house.

More goals:
1. Look at R with a beginner's mind:
* the good parts of pre-bomb R can be a part of our new R (good parts include laughing alot , spending time together, having some quiet times when we aren't talking every minute)
* notice progress in our communication (listed above)
2. look at this time in our R as a positive thing:
* we have the opportunity now to build a stronger and more honest marriage
* we have weathered a major storm and are still married
* I am more confident as a person, and as a parent
* I am closer to God
* We have identified problems/destructive patterns in our R, the first step to changing them.
3. Live with joy and thankfulness in the present.
* act as if I believe my H is happy to be home
* be present for my H and our children (don't want to spend the time I have with them worrying about what could happen.)
4. Identify triggers for my fear - things that feel like the pre-bomb months (H's insomnia), recognize that this is what's going on before I react to it; feel the fear; and move on

Going to stop now - worried I'll lose this post. Any thoughts are welcome and appreciated. Thanks for listening.

[Dagny]

Mockers,

I at the public library while s4 plays, so didn't have time to give your post a proper read, but one thing jumped out at me was the bathroom cabinet and your response, the one you didn't say. Something on Nikanight's thread was where her DB coach said about making the home a safe haven for H. I think that if we would say things such as, well you try dealing with it.... that would definitely put them on the defensive and make things much more difficult. I know you didn't say it, but I just wanted to point that out as I think you will have an abundence of opportunities to say it in the next few weeks, but in the interest of the M, must not say it. That isn't to say that it is not much deserved! Too bad we can't say the things that would feel so good, but the benefit would be short lived. I tell myself that as I let some digs drop and I'm biting my tongue (literally).

Thank you for the emails, I did get some and they do help.

Jackie

[mockers2]

Thank you, Jackie.

I wrote to you on your thread, but wanted to thank you here too. I appreciate your input very much. You are always able to see things so clearly.

My H is currently sick (a cold) and I've found myself feeling resentful (I sound like a real jerk )) since I've been sick over and over again and have had no help. I haven't said any of this and won't. I have prayed about all the digs, and last night the thought came to me (thank you God) "How would you want to be treated when you aren't feeling well?" And that's how I treated my H - with tenderness. Seems I've got some more work to do in the forgiveness department. Trying not to feel like I'm the b*&%$ of the century.

Thinking of all of you and hoping you're doing well.

[mockers2]

Some positives to counteract the negative tone of my thread lately:
1. H and I are working on the house together.
2. H is moving his stuff out of the other house.
3. H called me at work today just to say hi.

Trying to adjust my negative thinking.

[Dagny]

Mockers,

I think the negative thinking is going to creep in a lot over the next few weeks, it has to be natural, all the pent up emotions from the last months just finally rearing their head.

I love how you looked at it from his point of view, how very smart and a good way to stop the negative thinking.

There was a technique posted somewhere about having a visual to go to when you feel the negative thoughts. I know there is the stop sign and such, but this had you pick a place that you enjoy and visualize being there and calming yourself down. I pick the beach and watching the ocean. I try to visualize that when I'm feeling horrible and that gives me a sense of calm and enough time for the rational side of my brain to take over.

Forgiveness is hard. They have really put us through a lot and I suspect they don't even realize the extent of it. Will filling them in on it get us closer to any of our goals? Maybe on our 50th wedding anniversary we can really give it to them---provdied they have the hearing aide turned off!

The postives are great, sounds like he is fully commiting to moving back in and being a family again.

Don't forget you in all this, continue to do the things you have been doing that are just for you. So easy to forget ourselves when we are worrying about everyone else!

Jackie

[mockers2]

Good morning everyone ~

Thank you, Jackie, for posting. It truly does help to "see" my situation through another's eyes!

The idea of visualizing a place where I feel calm is great! I have tried this in the past, but not since the bomb. Forgot all my coping skills?? I would also pick the beach - it has always seemed so easy to feel God's presence there. I will begin using this right away.

So easy to forget ourselves when we are worrying about everyone else.

You are right about this. Be sure to take care of Jackie too!

Just wanted you to know that your sense of humor shines through in your posts - another part of your strength!


Three positives:
1. H and I rented a movie and watched it together.
2. Last night our oldest child was having a hard time. She was acting very angry and directing most of it at me (I know, I know, I know....she doesn't mean to direct it at me, this is just a phase, she is dealing with H coming home and her feelings about his absence, but after all this, and after listening to, "I want Daddy to get me out of the car. I want Daddy to put me night night. No, Mommy! I want Daddy to get me dressed," all day and seeing her run right past me to get to her dad when we go to pick her up from school every day, it just got the best of me. I also think that some of what I was feeling was pent up sadness.) Anyway, at one point I got teared up and went to the bathroom to get myself back together. Found it hard to stop crying, so it took a minute. When I came back into the living room, after a few minutes, H blew me a kiss across the room to let me know he realized I was hurting. I thanked him later, and he said, "It's hard sometimes."
3. H came into work with me this morning to see something funny someone had emailed me. He thought it was hilarious and we had a good laugh.


One thing I'm trying to do is to change the way I look at things/situations/people and their behavior. I'm reading all I can to try and develop a more positive outlook in general. This is tough, as I've always been a worrier, but I'm trying. One strategy is for me to think of something funny and smile when I begin feeling stressed or down. Sounds kind of corny, but it really seems to be helping. An example - our yougest child was playing with the couch cushions one night. She was shouting, "macaroni!" and flinging herself onto the cushions over and over and laughing, laughing, laughing. Trying to cultivate this joy in myself. Don't want to miss out on the joy there is in life b/c I'm worrying or being fearful. Kids are such a good example!

Thinking of all of you and keeping you and your families in my prayers.

[mockers2]

Can anyone help me with the technical questions I have in my post above from 10/27? The questions are at the top of the post in red . Thank you ~

[mockers2]

I'll be off the bb for a few days. Please know I'll be thinking of you all and keeping you in my prayers. Hope your weekends are good.

[KutieKat]

mockers, thank you for visiting my thread, and i hope you have a wonderful break from the bb

i hope i can reach you before you go on your questions

1. How do you quote long portions of text form one post to another? Do you just have to type it all out again? Or is there an easier way?
2. How to you save a post to your bb word file?

do you know how to copy and paste selected text? i am not quite sure if that is what you are asking but sometimes i take the simplest approach first

let me know and we can go from there

kitti

[holdingon]

Mockers,
I will miss you! Hurry back.